My Journey into Spiritual Sex Ch. 03

So, having been told I should actually be mindfully embracing the pain I duly knuckled down to receive my punishment without complaint. I did wince and cry out once or twice more but quickly followed that by a smile. Soraya was right; experiencing controlled pain voluntarily whilst sexually aroused did enhance and intensify the feelings of being alive.

Soraya then said, "Aren't you forgetting something Rachel?"

I had no idea what she was talking about. I just said, "I dunno. Am I?"

"Well it is customary in S & M play to thank the person who is administering the punishment at each step. It is part of being dominated and showing respect to your master. Most people find it adds to the fun to thank them after each stroke." She then said in a stern voice, "So where are your manners Rachel?" Of course, Soraya was playing along herself.

Soraya added, "I think five more lashes would be an appropriate punishment but this time with some pleases and thankyous?"

So, I took my last five strokes, which I have to say were getting pretty intense, without complaint, and my bum was now very sore. After each lash I winced and shouted out ,"Thank you Sir."

Ralph joined in and said, "Louder. I can't hear you Rachel."

Ralph finished with a final particularly vicious whack across my bum cheeks and I acknowledged it with an especially loud shout of, "Thank you sir!"

That was the end of my session. When Ralph had untied me and helped me down from the massage table, he asked me if I was OK. He was keen to make sure he had not overstepped the mark by being overzealous with the beating. I told him I would get my own back!

After that Daniella and Andrew were chosen to demonstrate some more bondage techniques but it was more of the same really and you get the idea. This was only intended to be an introduction to S & M- a taster.

Consumed and Devoured by Shakti.

The next day, Thursday, was a day that I will never forget that is for sure. It began fairly normally, for this place at least, but ended in a game changing conclusion. Anyway, more about that in a moment. We awoke to some very wild and windy weather. There was a gale raging and the rain was coming down horizontal. I had to walk to the temple which is not far across the garden but far enough in that weather. I did not want to break my rule of wearing nothing other than my robe but went with a three-quarter length kagool on top that was hanging up in the wardrobe provided for just such a day. It was quite funny actually as I met some of the others all fighting the wind and rain with the same determination and bull dog spirit. I still got absolutely soaked but I was soon naked for the meditation like everybody else with our robes hanging up to dry!

Thursday was a day of naked yoga, and more practical sessions on tantric skills and techniques.

On the Thursday evening after the evening meditation I decided to jump in one of the hot tubs on the way back. Thankfully the deluge had stopped. I was organised and took a towel with me to save going back up to my bedroom. I was nearing the end of my second week at this centre. I felt like I knew my way around. There were two guys in it already; Matt and Victor. They must have missed the evening meditation. It looked really inviting with the steam rising into the night air. I asked them if they had room for a little one and carefully climbed the steps and stepped over into it. These wooden barrel designs are not as easy to get into as a modern one with proper steps for entering. By the end of the day at these retreats you were always knackered and settling down in the hot water was bliss. I had a bit of a chat with the guys, but they said they had already been in for an hour so before long they were climbing out.

After the guys left almost immediately Shakti appeared. I was pleased to see her. She stood by the tub, removed her robe and sandals and climbed in. Shakti was the kind of person whose energy introduces her. You could always feel something very spiritual in her presence. Just like Soraya actually. It felt cosy being with Shakti at that moment. I so hoped no one else would come and join us. She had a fantastic figure I thought. The ring in her belly button glistened in the garden lights as she climbed in. Her pussy was completely and perfectly shaved. And she was always so confident with her sexuality and spirituality. I wished I could be more like her. Shakti was a similar age to me, maybe a couple of years older. I had noticed her looking at me quizzically on a couple of occasions this week, like she was checking me out in some way. I would have been flattered to have Shakti as a spiritual friend so welcomed the opportunity for a chat with just the two of us. I felt I could learn a lot from her. She settled down on the seat and began some meditative routine stretching her arms out forward and then above her head humming. Then she was twisting her head from side to side and reciting something to herself. She is one on her own I thought. I wondered how long this was going to last. Thankfully not long as I felt embarrassed being in there with her whilst she was doing this. When this routine had come to an end, she looked intensely at me right into my eyes smiling and approvingly like she has spotted something she wanted to eat. It turned out that was not far from the truth! Shakti was the very embodiment of that merger of spiritual and sexual energy that I was seeking and knew existed if I could find it.

Shakti said, "Sorry about that. I was just thanking the universe for my beautiful day."

"Oh! OK." I replied like an idiot. Of course you were I thought. I've just finished doing that myself!

Shakti asked, "How are you finding it this week? Are you glad you came?"

You will recall maybe that Shakti was at the first retreat as well, so I was starting to know her quite well and she had cuddled me at the early session on cuddling at the first retreat. But I always felt in awe of her. She just seemed so worldly wise and confident and made me feel like a complete rookie. Her American accent was part of it I think and the general confidence that Americans seem to have compared with the diffidence and timidity that is so typical of us Brits. But sitting in the hot tub next to her; just her and me, I felt I so wanted to be able to sound interesting to her and be able to relate to her. I felt she was just such a grand master and I was an immature fresher.

I heard myself saying ,"I have loved this week. Loved everything about it. Learnt so much."

I squirmed because I just knew that sounded so predictable and banal. You could always rely on Shakti for the unpredictable. She could read me like a book. Like she could see right through me into my soul.

Shakti smiled knowingly and just placed her palm on my forehead and said," Relax Rachel. Let us both feel the rhythm of the moment. Let us feel our spiritual energy flow between us."

Like I told you she was in a different league to me. I cannot believe she would ever have any hang ups or insecurities.

I leaned back and placed my hand in hers and said, "OK then. That sounds very ..." And then I could not think of any word to fit this moment at all.

But I did not need to. It was a perfect moment anyway without conversation. I swear I did feel her powerful presence and energy and time did stop. I was truly able to just be in the moment and feel perfect bliss and peace with Shakti in the comfy bubbling hot water and with the stars above, and Shakti's ever increasing subtle attention and massaging of my body under the water.

In the hot tub, with Shakti. I was a sitting duck. I was an easy conquest. The atmosphere of the moment, her American accent, everything about her, overwhelmed me. I was a lamb to the slaughter. I began sobbing and crying. I did not really know why; I was just completely overcome. I felt so inexperienced and unworldly wise in the company of Shakti. Shakti held me close and cuddled me without speaking. There was no need for words.

Later we climbed out of the hot tub and Shakti took my hand and kissed it and escorted me back to my room. It seemed so natural for her to come into my room and close the door behind us. She opened my robe and ran her hands up both sides of my eager body. She gently slipped the robe off my shoulders and it fell to the floor around my feet. I stood for a moment naked before her. She told me I was beautiful. I did not believe her-Shakti was the beautiful one.

Shakti then slid her own robe off and it fell on the floor by our feet and we stood facing each other naked. She smiled at me and stretched out her hands towards me. I did the same and we held each other's hands.

Shakti looked into my eyes and asked, "Is this your first time?"

I was in such a daze that stupidly at first, I wondered what she was talking about. Then I realised and meekly and nervously replied that it was. God I can be dim.

I was so nervous. I knew then what was about to happen. I felt like a school girl who had been summoned to the head master's study. I was too nervous to speak. All I managed to do was emit a sort of high pitched squeaky 'Ummmm' followed by rapid breathing. Shakti chuckled at my nervousness.

She said, "Just relax Rachel and do what your body tells you to do. Don't worry. Nothing bad is going to happen. We can stop at any time. We are not going to do anything you do not want to do."

Shakti seemed so much more self-assured than me. So her own person. I thought she should be a teacher on this retreat rather than a student.

Until then throughout my entire life I cannot remember having any lesbian desires. I had never even thought about having sex with a woman before this week. I had considered myself 100% heterosexual. But this week the innocent exploratory cuddles and kisses with Carol and Amy and Daniella had broken the ice and made me more open minded towards the idea. I had been influenced by that gender fluidity session with Soraya who I revered. And now here I was desperate for Shakti to do her worst. To pleasure me. I had never wanted any man any more than how much I wanted this to happen now. I was desperate for Shakti to take control and lead me into this new world.

After that it all happened very quickly. My memory of it all is a blur.

I was swallowed whole by Shakti. I was like a child completely spellbound and mesmerised by her. In awe of her. I could hardly string two words together. I had no will power. I could not resist her in any way. I was entranced and delirious with pleasure. She took possession of my body. This was one of the biggest shocks and surprises in my life. I learned that the assumption that we are straight and could never be bisexual is laughable in its naivety. And that lesbian sex can be off the scale magnificent and fun. I don't know whether this is different for women than guys. Most guys seem so categoric and dogmatic that they could never engage in a homosexual encounter and it is a matter of honour that they proclaim themselves 100% straight and macho. But is that really the case? I must ask some guys from the retreats. Maybe they just need to be tested and tempted in the right circumstances. But all I can say is that in that magical time with Shakti all of my life long held prejudices and inhibitions about girl on girl fun were swept away in a tsunami of pleasure and lust.

I have one memory of opening my eyes and glimpsing us both naked on my bed. I remember how beautiful and perfect Shakti looked in the soft light. I remember feeling such an intense love for Shakti during this experience. My initiation. I remember her long frizzy blonde hair dangling over me. She had two long bronze looking chains dangling around her neck.

I would like to tell you more about exactly what happened with Shakti but I cannot. I was too out of it. Too much in a dream like state of ecstasy to relate in much detail what happened. It was like I was drugged. I was completely obedient and compliant to her loving magical touch. I remember only glimpses as I drifted in and out of my dream like state of euphoria. In the early stages I remember her placing her palms on my forehead and later my abdomen and looking into my eyes and whispering loving and calming assurances that this was all OK. I remember her whispering again that nothing would happen that I did not want, and we could stop at any time.

Shakti was gently massaging me and stroking me with her fingers as she began to venture around my upper inner thighs and groin and over my tummy. I was just so desperate for her to touch me in that special sacred place.

Soon I could bear it no more and I grabbed her hand and held it firmly over my desperate hungry pussy. I remember her doing some soft chanting of various spiritual affirmations. I remember feeling so much connection with her, it was like we merged into the same person. I was taken over by the spirit and soul of Shakti. She alternated between kissing me on the lips and licking my clitty. I felt intense love for Shakti. For that moment I was hers totally. She knew that she had such power over women. I wondered afterwards if she had the same degree of power over men. Probably I thought. Eventually she entered me with her fingers, and I melted away. She was just majestic in her skill. I don't know how many orgasms I had but I know it was several. God knows what Carol and Jennifer must have thought in the next rooms if they were in.

I remember laughing a little in amazement at how out of control I was at first but later doing a lot of crying and desperate hugging. At some point I passed out deeply asleep and when I awoke in the night Shakti had gone. It was brutal to find myself on my own in a state of shock wondering what had happened to me.

Reflections and Enlightenment 2

Having woken up early on the Friday morning and found Shakti gone I could not get back to sleep. So, after tossing and turning for a while, thinking about everything that had happened over the week I grabbed my pen and pad to scribble down my thoughts. I had done the same at the end of the first retreat. This is what I wrote:

1. I have absolutely fucking loved this week and do not want it to end tomorrow. It is going to be such a let-down. And it has successfully convinced me that this so-called spiritual sex enables us to reach our own higher consciousness.

2. Here there is no stigma attached to female sexuality. Here there are no such cruel labels as slut or whore or slag. There is not one rule for men and one rule for women at this retreat. I am done with feeling guilty about being sexually active and adventurous. Here sexually adventurous and open-minded women are celebrated, and women are encouraged to exhibit and act out their sexuality without judgement. I have been on a quest for sexual liberation and sexual identity and I believe I have found it. I was resolved to take this enlightenment home with me and really try to never feel guilty again about being who I am.

3. I have not really missed or thought about 'my two husbands' Andy or Tony. What does that tell me? Worrying. Hmmm! Although now that I have thought about them, I am looking forward to seeing them.

4. Obviously the experience with Shakti had been both amazing but disturbing. This retreat had shown me new ways of seeing these things and had had a big influence on me. But am I a secret bisexual? After all these years? This cannot be true. But I had sure loved it. I made a note to explore such feelings and experiences further before I leapt to a conclusion. I wrote down 'In a state of shock!'

5. I feel that I have out grown my previous self. I have moved on from my former life. But is this new way of life what I really want? But what is this 'new way of life'?

While I have been at this retreat, I have always known that the life here is not real and does not really exist on the outside but nevertheless it has made me feel that there may be something different for me. I know that my spiritual journey of discovery and search for spiritual intelligence and enlightenment would be at the centre of it. I realise that the community here, and at the previous retreat were going to be crucial in developing this way of life outside. I am now my own person and feel confident to be who I am and follow my own path.

6. I increasingly realise that what we are all searching for is not orgasm and sexual satisfaction but intimacy and connection. After the sexual act it is the connection and feelings of union with the other person that endure and contribute to our happiness and contentment. We are all basically lonely and islands trying to reach out to others through sex and trying to really feel something to combat feelings of isolation and to feel alive.

7. I have come to realise this week that it is somewhat naive to think in life you can find the ideal sexual partner. We are all so unique and such a mix of tastes, fetishes, appetite, and potentially diverse sexual interests that it would be impossible to find a perfectly compatible sexual partner who completely satisfies you. In fact, the truth is that no one person could ever satisfy all your sexual tastes and desires.

8. On the other hand, I still feel the urge to keep searching for that special monogamous devoted relationship. I had it once with Andy; maybe I could have it in the future with Tony or Mark? But would I really want that? I am at the same time searching for a group of different like-minded kindred spirits who I can explore and play with sexually and express my new-found confidence with people who will understand. I have probably lost the right to have a devoted relationship with Andy or any other man for that matter. They all know what I am like and accept me for what I am but that comes with a cost. I am now seen as a popular but occasional friend with benefits by most men including Andy and Tony probably. But maybe that fits with the life I am carving out for myself. In any case I do not have any choice about it. It is inevitable that guys (and now girls) will now see me this way-including Andy.

9. At this retreat I have embraced my exhibitionism and allowed it to flourish without guilt. I have admitted to myself that I love being sexually active with an audience. I love to have sex in public. At this retreat they have not seen it as appropriate for us to actually have full sex in front of the group, but I have nevertheless seriously enjoyed the exercises that we have been encouraged to perform that have been pretty hard core anyway. And I have enjoyed performing with an audience on occasions at the spa in Bristol and elsewhere. I know I am kinky but no longer have to feel guilty about it and look forward to doing it again. I have heard some interesting rumours about what happens at the last night party at this tantric retreat, so you never know. It could happen again sooner that I think. The last night party at the first naturist retreat had been pretty wild.

10. How many partners have I had now? I was losing count! I need to make a list:

Andy and then Steve at uni. (2)

Barry, Mike, Tony on the Greek island (3)

Tony and shortly followed by Chris (2) at the spa

ANother1 and ANother2 at the spa. These were two absolute dicks at the spa that I let have me and which I regretted and have never written about. Two complete arses. It was a mistake. (2)

Joshua at the first naturist meditation retreat (1)

Mark my latest scalp this week (1)

That adds up to 11. Not that many for a lifetime.

Wonder if I should count Shakti? Yes, I think I should. That was an intimate as any encounter with a man.

Shakti (1). That makes 12.

11. New friends: I now know that kindred spirits from this spiritual community were going to be very important and how much I would love to have a special really close friend from this retreat who really understands the journey I am on and the yearnings I will experience when it is over. God knows I certainly could never talk about this secret life with any of my normal friends.