My Life with Dani

I wasn't laying on a couch and there wasn't a bearded man seated in a hard-backed chair next to me with a pad in his hand. I was, however talking to a Psychiatrist. She was fiftyish and seated in a comfortable chair opposite me. I was seated in a similarly comfortable chair and between us, on a coffee table was a voice recorder. I was aware of the reason for my being here and accepted the process that was about to begin.

"What are your earliest memories?" She asked.

"I can remember that we had a dog and it bit me, not hard, just enough to break the skin. Mum was about to punish the dog when my brother told her that I got what I deserved because I was pulling her tail."

"How did you feel about that?"

"I wasn't happy that he dobbed me in, but, on thinking about it, it was fair enough."

"How did you get on with him?"

"Okay, I guess. He was five years older than me so we had differing interests. He was into planes and wanted to become a pilot when he grew up, while I was into cars and wanted to become a race or rally driver. We both achieved our ambitions."

"What about girls?"

"What about them?"

"When did you start noticing girls?"

"I noticed them around the same age as my brother did, but I didn't get involved with them for some time. I was a shy boy, I found that I couldn't speak to them without stuttering."

"How old were you when you had your first girlfriend?"

"I was nineteen and a student at Uni, I was studying Automotive Engineering. She, Danielle, was a fellow student and we were thrown together working on a project."

"Did you have sex with her?"

"Not straight away. We'd been together, sort of, for two years before we moved our relationship up a notch."

"Who initiated this encounter, was it you?"

"No. We were working closely together on a project that involved her car and I could smell her perfume. I didn't realise at first that my penis was getting hard until she touched it. She said that we should do something about it and I thought she meant something on her car, but then she squeezed my penis and I banged my head on the bonnet. (hood). She chuckled just before she kissed me. I was confused, never having contemplated that this would happen."

"Why do you think that?"

"Well, like I said I was a shy kid who didn't think that girls were interested in me, not like my brother, he just seemed to attract them. It might have had something to do with the uniform. Girls just seemed to gravitate to him when he was in his RAAF uniform. I remember one night coming home from a late lecture and hearing noises coming from his room. He was on the bed with a girl, they were both naked and he was having sex with her. They didn't notice me standing there until after he'd come in her. She looked over and saw me standing there holding my erection. 'Hi, do you want to join us?' She asked. I ran down to my room. I was so embarrassed."

"What happened next?"

He came to my room and told me that if I didn't say anything to Mum or Dad he'd let me fuck Susie."

"Did you?"

"No!"

"Why not? It would appear that it was on offer."

"I didn't think, I knew, that it wasn't right." She wrote something on the pad she had on her thigh.

"Getting back to your first time, was it different to what you watched between your brother and his sexual partner?"

"Yes. Susie had no pubic hair while Danielle had her pubic hair trimmed in the shape of a downward pointing arrow. She told me that, as it would be my first time I might need to be pointed in the right direction. She was funny in that way."

"So, she was experienced then?"

"No, it was her first time too. She told me that she had been reading up on sexual intercourse in preparation for this moment. The arrow was her idea."

"Did she often indulge in flights of fancy?"

"All of the time, that's what made our relationship so special, she was always surprising me."

"Was it just in your sexual relationship?"

"No, it was always there, I never knew when it would happen."

"Did you just accept this as part of her behaviour, or did you join in?"

"It cut both ways, I could hand it out as well."

"Who proposed, you or her?"

"I did, but there was a certain amount of duress involved."

"How so?"

"She threatened that if I didn't propose, properly in the time-honoured manner, you know, down on one knee with a ring box in my hand, she'd stuff a cushion down her front and wear a sandwich board around campus that told the world that I had knocked her up and was refusing to marry her. She then told me that the proposal had to be in public, she knew that it would be a leap for me to do it. I said that I would as long as she promised not to say 'no'. She promised, but then she said 'no' anyway."

"How did you feel about that?"

"I didn't have a chance to feel anything other than I'd embarrassed myself in front of the huge audience that she'd assembled for the occasion. Then she snatched the ring from me and shoved it on her finger and kissed me. Then she started to rip my clothes off with the intent of having sex with me. I very nearly grabbed the ring off her finger."

"What stopped you?"

"I loved the crazy bitch too much to do that."

"I hate to ask this, the wedding, was it as you'd hoped, a proper occasion?"

"Anything but. You should have seen the looks on the faces of those relatives who were invited as a courtesy and had to travel from wherever to be there when she walked down the aisle looking as if she was about to give birth. The Minister was in on it and deliberately went slowly through the ritual despite Dani urging him to hurry up.

"David, do you take Danielle to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live?"

"I guess that I'd better." I said, patting her extended belly.

"Danielle, do you take David . . . "

"Yeah, sure, get on with it."

"As your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer. in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"

"I don't have a choice, do I?" The minister glared at her. "Okay, yes I do."

"With the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Our lips collided in a passionate kiss and we literally ran to the church office.

When we got to the office to sign the register Dani stripped out of her pregnant dress and put on an identical but slim-fitting dress that she had stashed for the occasion. The sounds that the congregation heard coming from behind the closed door were of a woman giving birth followed by a slap and a baby crying. When we emerged, Dani was carrying one of those 'cry baby' dolls that she tossed, much to their horror, into the congregation."

"How did you feel about that?"

"By the time of the wedding, I was pretty much used to her. It became obvious that it was either learn to live with it or lose her and that was never an option."

"You both had a love of cars and you had an ambition to become a rally or race driver, what became of that?"

"We both got into the rally scene, me as a driver and she as my navigator. We were successful for about five years until Adam was on his way. I'll never forget how she broke that bit of news to me. We were in a rally and doing pretty well until, on a transport leg she announced, right out of the blue that she was pregnant. That changed everything, in the back, my thoughts loomed to the responsibility of the situation. Several of the other competitors remarked that we weren't going as hard as usual. They understood when I announced our retirement and the reason for it. Dani gave me the option to continue competing with another navigator, but that was a no-brainer, there was no one else for me."

"You had a career in the automotive industry, what line did that take?"

"I became interested in car safety. Back in the seventies, the trend was for reinforced passenger cells and progressive crumple zones, especially among the British and European manufacturers like Volvo, SAAB, Triumph and Rover but, while they saved lives, they became too expensive to repair. Now the trend is for the cars to have a lot of plastic and light metal that allows them to control disintegrate and be written off following even a minor accident. The introduction of dozens of airbags has reduced the severity of the injury. Having been in the rally and, to a lesser extent, race scene I became aware that reinforced passenger cells and proper restraints are the way to go. Unfortunately, some countries see this need to take positive precautions as an infringement of civil liberties. Other areas of concern for me was the introduction of cruise control. I have wondered how many accidents take place because of driver fatigue and cruise control, which means the car doesn't go around corners or it veers into oncoming traffic when the driver nods off. A result of this is manufacturers having to install devices such as passive brake assist and lane change warnings into cars, all of which increases the cost of the vehicle."

"You seem passionate about this, do you have a solution to this problem?"

"Yes, I see the need for improvements to driver education. Teach drivers to learn the limitations and capabilities of, not only the cars that they drive and the road conditions but themselves as well as the ability to recognise the onset of fatigue. You have a better chance of not having an accident if you drive within those parameters. Another factor that should enter into this equation is common sense and courtesy towards other road users."

"Why aren't these implemented?"

"Political expediency. No politician is going to risk his or her career by bringing in something that questions the ability of a driver who looks on this as a God-given right with no responsibility."

"Getting back to your life with Dani, I assume that you settled down into family life."

"To Dani that meant a life, not an existence. To her life was for living to the fullest. In the beginning, I went along for the ride, but when the kids were of an age when they could enjoy her ideas of life I embraced it totally. I had to get off the ride and join in or be left out of this whole way of living as a family. I have to admit that, once caught up in it, I enjoyed being a part of their life."

"Be specific, how did this work?"

"It began at an early age and was unconventional. It focused on making learning a fun thing, something she inherited from her father who was a Science teacher. One of the things he did was to convert teaching the curriculum into a fun project. If he had a double Chemistry lesson he would get the planned lesson out of the way and then allow the students free rein to do whatever they wanted with the one proviso, they were not allowed to blow the school up."

"And he was allowed to do this?"

"He got results. His students were always ahead of others in the final analysis. Dani had the ability to apply this process to the kids in such a way that they were always ahead of the class when it came to learning. The only problem that they had was boredom. Teachers were obliged to structure lessons around the lowest common denominator which left Adam and Phoebe with time on their hands. They were encouraged to think outside the square for other solutions to the problems being taught, something that I noticed Dani doing during lectures at Uni. She passed her methods on to me and I have used it throughout my work life."

"How did these teachings impact on the kids as they grew into adulthood?"

"Everything that we did, individually and collectively was open to discussion and criticism. When they were still quite young they were given a certain autonomy when it came to gardening, for instance, when they were making a selection as to what to plant, they had to research the plant's needs against what could be provided as well as what benefits the family would gain from it."

"So nothing was planted that the family would not benefit from?"

"That's why we did it, so as not to waste any effort on non-beneficial plantings. When they were older and reaching an age where they would soon be learning to drive, we began their driver education."

"How did you do this?"

"Whenever we went anywhere, first Adam and later Phoebe would sit in the front seat and we'd play 'I spy'."

"How does that work?"

"We encouraged them to look ahead by finding something in the distance, or even behind, us by spying something that they should be aware of. For instance, something beginning with 'K' was a kangaroo on or near the road ahead. While they didn't have access to either the rear-view mirror inside the car or the wing mirrors, there was a vanity mirror on the sun visor on the passenger side, so something beginning with 'E' became an emergency vehicle approaching from the rear. A part of being a good driver is to be aware of your surroundings at all times, not just what's immediately in front of you."

"Did this form of education impinge on other aspects of your lives, religion for instance?"

"Both of us attended Sunday School as kids and later church from our early teens. We went to different churches but had formed the same opinions when it came to church teaching. Thinking outside the square was a problem."

"In what way?"

"We had been led to believe that what was being taught was for agreement, not discussion. We had both raised questions to be told that it was the Word of God and therefore the truth and, as such, should not be questioned and that the Bible was more accurate than science. We had both, even before our first meeting, reached the conclusion that the opposite was the case and that a greater understanding of the Bible could only be gained by questioning it in the context of it being a fallible document. I remember reading a quote from George Santayana that stated that 'the Bible is literature, not dogma.'

"What do you think he meant by that?"

"There are two meanings of the word and he could have meant it in either or both context. On the one hand, it is defined as a principle or system as laid down by the authority of the church, or on the other hand, it is an arrogant declaration of an opinion. Both seemed to fit our experience with the church."

"Did you stop going to church then?"

"For a time. By chance I came across a church that accepted us, it was an integral part of their ethos, they did not discourage discussion of the teachings and accepted that we would not always agree with them. It was while going to this church that I met a man of the Baha'i faith and came to realise that there were fundamental similarities in their teaching, but that they were closer to the context of the teachings of Jesus than were the teachings of Christianity."

"I'm intrigued, in what way?"

"For millennia the Christian church has held itself as the only faith that guaranteed its followers a place in Heaven, this is despite the Bible telling us that those that thought that they were guaranteed a place would have to give way to others. I also learnt two important factors. One is that there is no physical heaven or hell. When we die it is not the death of our spirit, just that we have no further use of our physical bodies, our spirit moves on to who knows where. We also learnt that the Kingdom of God is not a reward for us leading a good (Christian) life but it is here and now, in us all. We have to recognise this and use that knowledge as a guide to this life."

"This would have caused a few problems in the church."

"Not if it were to abandon the concept of the exclusivity of the Christian church in the eyes of God and accept that Jesus taught inclusion, not exclusion and altruism not egoism."

"What about the kids' relationships with yourselves and others?"

"We made sure that they were included in what we did. We not only spoke of love but we demonstrated our love for each other and them. Then we told them of the physical demonstration of a loving relationship and when they were old enough the mechanics of sexual intercourse as well as the precautions that were to be taken. In this way sex for the first time was not the earth-shattering experience, or uneducated fumbling in the back seat of a car, that their friends said it was. With both of them, their first time was with a person that they had already formed a physical attachment with, just as Dani and I were very good friends before we took the plunge into the sexual pond."

"I've never heard it called that."

"The way that we looked at it we had to learn to swim before we jumped in."

"But I thought you told me that she it was that made the first move and that you had no experience in that area."

"In a way that was true, Dani took the initiative, but we didn't proceed until I had received some education on the subject, this culminated in the revelation of her pubes pointing in the general direction of what to do."

"What was your sex life like?"

"Is this relevant?"

"Yes, I have found that couples who have an active sex life as part of their loving relationship are much more in tune with each other in other areas of their lives."

"In that case, yes, we had a very active sex life and a very close personal life. It could not have been more perfect until . . .'

"Until the diagnosis from hell."

I was on the verge of tears. "Yes, that came as a shock, neither of us picked up the lump until it was too late. The Oncologist told us that it was a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer and even if we had found it a week earlier it would probably have still been too late. We decided on a radical mastectomy to try to contain the cancer but, even though the surgery took place within a month of the diagnosis, it was too little too late."

"So you began to explore alternatives, is that it?"

"We held a family conference and discussed our options with Adam and Phoebe. The decision was for palliative care for as long as Dani could stand it. It was around then that she put forward the proposition of euthanasia as a last resort. Phoebe was the first to agree, she didn't want her mother to suffer any more than necessary. Adam raised the legal issues but Phoebe stated that, as far as she was concerned, the ethical issues far outweighed the legal ramifications. I had to agree with her. While it is not legal in this state to assist a person in taking his or her life, we felt that we could not live with ourselves if we allowed her a prolonged period of suffering. I told them that, if it came to a legal issue I would absolve them from any responsibility. It would be my decision to act on her desire for an end to her suffering."

"So you decided to go ahead and source a euthanasia kit from interstate?"

"Yes."

"Could you explain what happened on the day that she went through with it?"

"She was really suffering, the worst that I had seen, and we were almost out of her pain medication so she asked me to go and get the prescription filled. We couldn't send either of the kids, even if they were there, because I was the only person who could act on her behalf at the pharmacy."

"And when you arrived home you found her deceased and the opened kit beside her."

"Yes, I tried to revive her even though I knew that this was against her wishes, and then I rang for the ambulance and police. The ambulance officers were very sympathetic to my situation, the police less so. They arrested me and took me to the station for questioning. I explained that I was not home when the lethal dose was administered, but they decided to hold me while the autopsy was carried out. I didn't know where she had got the kit from, I figured that she had ordered it without telling me, or got one of the kids to arrange it for her. If that was the case I would not deny that the plan was always to proceed with the euthanasia and accept responsibility for obtaining the kit. Even if they could not prove that I had administered it for her, the intent was enough for them to charge me."