My Life with Dani

"Mister Ramage, you are aware that it is against the law for a person to assist in any way another person to carry out the procedure known as voluntary euthanasia, are you not?" The police interrogator asked.

"Yes, I am."

"Are you also aware that it is an offence to, knowing that a person was planning to undertake such an act, to not take steps to either prevent the person carrying out this act or to not refer the matter of intent to the relevant authorities?"

"Yes, I am aware of that. Now, why don't we cut to the chase? If Danielle, my wife, had not gone behind my back and gone ahead with our plans, I would have assisted her to end her pain and suffering. Do with that what you will."

"Very well, David Ramage, you are charged with, knowing it to be a criminal offence, assisting Danielle Ramage to commit the crime of voluntary euthanasia."

My Lawyer applied, as soon as the formalities of the reading of the charges was over, for an adjournment so that a mental health assessment could be carried out to determine my state of mind at the time of the offence. The Prosecutor opposed this but was over-ruled.

So, here I am, seated across from the chosen Psychiatrist . . . . .

"I admit that we had discussed what would happen if her pain got too much for her, and yes, it did involve assisted euthanasia. I told her that I would much rather help the process along than see her suffer."

"Did you make plans for this eventuality?"

"Yes we searched for a source of the kit and we had arranged to have one delivered when the time came. What I didn't know was that she had sourced a kit months previously."

"When did you find this out?"

"After I had found her dead."

"The police think otherwise."

"I can't help what they think. I was prepared to go through with our plans and as far as I'm concerned I am just as guilty as if I had been the one to administer the lethal dose. I don't care anymore, I have lost the most important part of my life, I might just as well use the kit on myself."

"Surely you can't mean that? Wait a second, what kit?"

"The one that was delivered a week after she died, the one that I had hoped to use."

"Are you telling me that there was another kit?"

"Yes, Phoebe told me after she had left us that Dani had gone ahead and ordered a kit and didn't tell me about it. She was sworn to secrecy."

"Why would she have done that?"

"Apparently she believed that, if it was left to me to administer the dose, I would use it on myself as well. She didn't want that to happen, she told Phoebe that it was about time I stood on my own two feet because I wouldn't have her to rely on."

"So, now you want to use this one on yourself?"

"If you had experienced the life that we had together for as long as we had it, you would probably feel the same way. As I see it, I have nothing left to live for. I failed her, I couldn't save her life, I couldn't ease her pain. She was always so strong, I couldn't live up to her strength."

"But you're not old, you're what, fifty? You're only just beginning to do the things you've always wanted to but didn't have the time."

"But I don't have her to share it with. We had all of these plans for the things that we could do together before she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We thought that if she had a radical mastectomy we could still do most of the things. Without her, I've lost the motivation."

"Have you thought of the possibilities of meeting someone who would be interested in you and your life ahead?"

"I don't believe in miracles."

"Do you deny the possibility?"

"It can't happen if I don't look."

"Were you looking when Dani presented herself to you?"

"No. I have to admit that I didn't, at the time, have the self-confidence to approach any girl."

"Now you find yourself in the same situation. You are down on yourself and don't feel that you even want to try for a second life with another person."

"Yes, that's pretty much it."

"Sergeant Thomas, you responded to the call and attended the residence of the defendant, what did you find?"

"We found the body of the deceased. She was declared deceased by the attending ambulance officers."

"What else did you find?"

"There was, what we determined to be, a voluntary euthanasia kit that had been used to procure her demise."

"Did you question the defendant regarding this kit?"

"Yes, he informed me that he had discussed this situation with his wife and it was her wish that she should end her life in this manner."

"And you took that to be an admission of guilt?"

"Yes, he was adamant that he was merely carrying out her wishes."

"Was he aware of the repercussions of this act?"

"Yes."

"That will be all."

"Mister Sorrenson."

"Sergeant, did the defendant admit liability?"

"No."

"But you believed him to be guilty."

"Yes."

"Did he not tell you that if she had not gone behind his back and taken her own life he would have administered the lethal dose?"

"Yes."

"He told you that she had taken her own life?"

"Yes."

"Did you follow up on that statement?"

"No. we had the evidence that he had procured the necessary kit."

"That will be all."

"Doctor Burgess, you are the court-appointed Psychiatrist that carried out the assessment of the defendant, would you summarise, for the court's benefit, your findings."

"I found the defendant to be a rational person with a strong sense of loyalty to his wife based on a strong love and affection for her."

"Was he in command of his senses at the time of the death of his wife Danielle Ramage?"

"Yes, very much so."

"Was he aware of the ramifications of his actions in regard to the voluntary euthanasia of his wife?"

"Yes, he stated that he and his children had discussed this with her in detail. It was her wish and they all agreed to act on her wishes. The defendant agreed to accept full responsibility for administering the lethal dose, thus absolving the children from responsibility."

"And he went ahead with it regardless of the consequences?"

"No, he did not."

"You say that he didn't, how did you reach that conclusion?"

"If you had read the full report you would have realised that, while he had every intention of carrying out his wife's wishes, he was denied that opportunity."

"But he ordered a kit."

"He does not deny that he ordered a kit, and he does not deny his intention to use that kit to end the pain and suffering of the woman he loved. While I wouldn't classify his state of mind as being suicidal, he did state that he would have not hesitated to join his wife in death. When I conducted my assessment he was a man in a state that suggested that he no longer had the desire to live."

"That will be all."

"Your witness Mister Sorrenson."

"Doctor Burgess, you studied the defendant during several sessions, how can you be certain that the defendant did not administer the lethal dose to his wife?"

"Because he told me that he had been denied that opportunity."

"Would he have, if not denied the opportunity, administered the lethal dose?"

"Yes, he would have."

"Had he not been denied, would he have accepted responsibility for this crime for which he has been charged?"

"Yes, he is fully prepared to accept the punishment for this crime, in fact, he was hoping for that outcome."

"But you do not agree with this?"

"No, I do not. He is not guilty of this crime. If he had been charged with intent to commit, he would have pleaded guilty, but this is not the charge before this court. He cannot be charged with being an accessory to this crime based purely on intent."

"But the evidence clearly shows that he took steps to procure the necessary means to commit this offence."

"No, that is not the case. What the evidence presented to this court by the police indicated that someone placed an order for a kit. The kit the defendant ordered did not arrive until after the death of Danielle Ramage. Three days after she died he signed for a registered parcel containing the kit that he ordered."

"Is this the receipt?" He produced a paper from the file on his desk.

"Yes, that is it."

"The defence tenders this receipt in evidence that the kit the defendant ordered was not the one used by Danielle Ramage to end her life."

"You have assessed the defendant's mental state in the aftermath of the death of his wife as not having the will to live. Is that still the situation?"

"No, in subsequent sessions he has stated that he has had several discussions with his children in which they have managed to convince him that their mother had expressed that she did not want him to give up on life and that it would be up to them to see that he did not."

"During your sessions, did you notice a change in his attitude?"

"Yes, I encouraged him to look back on his life with Danielle and establish what her wishes would be in this situation. It was obvious from this process that he was very much in love with her in the entirety of their life together, and that she would not have wanted him to be dragged down in this situation. I reached the conclusion that his attitude at the time of our first session was more about his fear of life without the woman that he loved, that he had come to depend upon. Once he had overcome that fear he seemed to regain the will to live."

"In your opinion, does the defendant still maintain his willingness to accept his guilt of the crime for which he has been charged?"

"No. He is not guilty and he has decided to continue his role with his children, the children so loved by himself and his wife Danielle."

The Prosecutor rose for his final remarks. "Ladies and gentleman of the jury, the case before you is not a complex matter. The defendant, in carrying out the wishes of his wife admitted to ordering a voluntary euthanasia kit with intent to administer it to his wife. He was fully aware of the legal ramifications of such an act and went ahead with it anyway. As to the ethics of such an action, that is not the matter for this court. On the evidence available to this court, you have no other option but to find the defendant guilty as charged."

Sorrenson rose and stood in front of the jury deep in thought. "The Prosecutor has worded his final remarks very carefully and, on what he has said I agree that the defendant is guilty. But we have to take notice of not what he said, but what he didn't say. He left out the fact that the kit ordered by the defendant was not the one used to carry out this crime. He omitted to mention that the defendant was not present when the lethal dose was administered. The police assumed that the defendant was guilty because admitted under oath that he intended to administer the lethal dose. But that is not what he was charged for. He was charged with administering the lethal dose, not with intending to administering the lethal dose. In the eyes of the law, one is exclusive of the other. If he did not administer the lethal dose he should be found innocent of the charges laid by the police."

I was back in the presence of this woman who has so changed my outlook on life, who is so much like my Dani that it's scary.

"What if someone, a woman, a vibrant woman who can see the possibilities of a future with you, what if she were to throw herself at you, what would you do?"

"Run a mile in the other direction."

"Look, I'll spell it out for you, I know that you didn't assist your wife, assist Dani, to bring peace to her life of extreme pain with her voluntary euthanasia. I also know that, given half the chance, you would have. That is the sign of a man who shows true love and compassion. For years I have looked for just such a man . . .'

"What . . .?"

"David, hear me out. I want to help you. You have a lot of life in you, a lot of living in you. You just need someone to kick start your journey. I'm going out on a limb here, the court will take a dim view of me for getting involved with a person that I have been asked to evaluate. If you agree, it will be our secret. My first step was to submit my report to the court that will state that, while you were willing to assist your wife's voluntary euthanasia, you were not an active participant, that you are not guilty of the charges laid against you by the police. I will then schedule further sessions at which the healing process will begin. My first course of action will involve a conference with Phoebe and Adam. I want to get to know my future step-kids, not that they're kids anymore. I want to be certain of what I'm letting myself in for."

"Don't you think that you're jumping the gun here?"

"It could be a case of history repeating itself, after all, it was Dani that had to make the first move."

Two days later I was in the presence of those people who would be with me for the rest of my life.

"Dad, will you stop this negativity for a minute." It was Adam who interrupted me telling them that I just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and not be bothered by them and Doctor Burgess, Cynthia. "What would Mum have told you to do?"

"I know, to not be so stupid."

"Well?" It was Phoebe this time.

"All right, I'll listen to the three of you telling me what to do, but let me tell you, I won't be pushed into doing something that I don't want to do."

"Fair enough. Firstly, we, Phoebe and me, have had a long chat with Cynthia and we like her, she's so much like Mum that we know that Mum would approve of her. The only thing that we have a problem with is, why she wants to get involved with a miserable old bastard like you've become. If she can snap you out of this she has our support."

"I don't stand a chance with the three of you ganging up on me like this. I'll tell you what, I'll give it three months, if at the end of that time I'm still this miserable bastard that you think I am, you'll leave me in peace to my grief."

"Fair enough, what do you think Cynthia?"

"If I haven't changed his mind in three months I'll take my shingle down from the wall and join him in his misery."

"I'm screwed whichever way it goes."

Adam and Phoebe both took time from work and we went on an 'I spy' trip up the coast where we did the sort of things that we did when they were kids, a lot of laughing and joking, all of which was designed to get my mind off my recent loss. It was working when they sprung a surprise on me. Cynthia arrived on our doorstep, bag in hand, intent on joining the festivities. It was her idea that I should be headed in the right direction before she joined us. Dropping her bag she hugged me. "Did you miss me?"

What a question, talk about putting me on the spot, and that was the whole point, forcing me to make a snap decision based on my feelings and not on logical thinking.

"I have to say yes, not because you'll kill me if I don't, but I can't deny that I have missed you. I keep asking Dani what she thinks and she keeps telling me that the decision is mine to make and to not bother her with such trivial matters." I kissed her.

"Come on Dad, that was a pathetic effort, if you want her you'll have to do better than that," Phoebe said. What could I do? I gave it my best shot and, from Cynthia's reaction, I did well.

"Do you want us to disappear for a while so that you get better acquainted?" Adam said.

"Don't rush us," Cynthia said. "I need to be convinced before agreeing to this potentially life-changing decision. He has some work to do."

Okay, I needed the occasional nudge from the kids before we began to feel like a complete family. The kids left after a week, having decided that I was far enough down the track for me to be capable of completing the task at hand, the task being a purely operational word because it was anything but that.

It was two and a half months later, we were having a coffee with Adam and Phoebe to announce that while we were yet to do the 'wild thing' we were heading in that direction.

"Thar's great Dad." Phoebe said, kissing first me and then Cynthia, "What do we call you, Cynthia or Mum?"

"Cynthia will do. I have no intention of competing with Dani."

"What if we tell you that you won't be competing with her but you can still be our Mum?"

"I'll think about it, we have one more hurdle to cross first."

"Come on. Don't tell us that you haven't, you know?"

'Not yet, but we're close."

I was in Cynthia's house, we had called in so that she could move some of her things to mine. We were in Cynthia's bedroom and we were both naked and about to climb into her bed, when I noticed it, she had trimmed her pubes into a downward pointing arrow. I heard a voice, "Go ahead, she's yours now, not me."