My Mother, the Spy

The diary stopped there. We went back to the original boxes looking for another volume, nothing. I was distraught,

"Fuck, how can she leave it there!"

The three of us walked the small distance to Dads, it was cold and quiet. The empty house smelt of him, the house seemed so big now. The flowery wallpapered walls held their secrets well. It felt nice to be in their home this time, our mum and dad had spent their best years here with us.

We needed to find another diary, we decided to really go through the place properly.

"Where would she have hidden it? Are we sure there even is anymore?"

We started in their bedroom, that felt wrong, but we had to do it eventually. Dads' hospital bed was still there, I had not informed the care company to take it away yet. It bought back fresh memories of him lying there. Mary and Alice pushed it to the far side, and I rolled the carpet back.

No loose floorboards, no scratches made on the wood under the carpet. We went to Alice and Mary's old room next and did that easier, their old carpet stunk, it was so dusty. It probably hadn't been cleaned properly in twenty years or so. Again, nothing.

"There is nothing here." Said Alice, "I think we have read all there is."

"I am not giving up, there has to be more." I argued.

We took every carpet up in the house looking for loose flooring, there was no more books in the loft either.

"We were running out of places to look. We need go through the boxes at yours again Sal, there must be a clue somewhere!"

We looked but nothing.

"Shit! That's it then. A dead end. And what about Heidi, how are we going to find her now?" said Alice,

I thought, I can't believe I had forgotten all about her in all this.

"Go home you two, we'll think over the next couple of days and come up with a plan of action, there must be something we can do.

*************************************************

A couple of days later Ben was looking for his bleed screw for the radiator in the shed.

"I can't find the bloody thing anywhere, it's definitely not where I left it. Have you had it, Sal?"

"Why would I have had it?"

"Well, it's bloody gone now, I'll have to pop up the shops later and get one. That rad in the bathroom is stone cold."

"Try dads, he might have one in his old shed, you have to sort that out before we sell the place anyway."

Two hours later Ben came back with tons of old tools.

"Sal, I think I found some more paperwork for you, there are six more boxes in the car, careful though, cobwebs." He said grinning.

I couldn't get to the car quick enough, sure enough six boxes full of paperwork, a few more notepads and another leatherbound book, identical to the diary. I made a beeline for that; I was hesitant to open it in case of disappointment. I sat in the car just staring at it for a minute or two, until curiosity overtook me.

At the top of the first page it was dated,

10 March 1940.

James is home, he is injured badly. An Air transport dropped him in Sussex two days ago. I have been granted compassionate leave for three days. He is being taken to his parents to recuperate tomorrow. One of the engineering boys has offered me a lift there. I need to see him.

"YES!" I screamed,

Ben came out smiling from ear to ear,

"The great romance of days gone by is back on then I take it."

I jumped from the front seat of the car and into his arms,

"I love you so much Mr., Jackson."

I smothered him in kisses and ran indoors to retrieve my cell phone,

"Alice, I have it, I have it. The book, the diary! It's here!"

Another "YESSS!" was screamed back at me, "Don't read it yet Sal, please wait for me. I'll be there directly after I drop the kids in the morning."

I wanted so not to hurt her feelings, but I just had to read a few snippets, just a few. Three hours later I was in floods of tears again. Mum had been deployed to Belgium, leaving my father alone and worried sick.

************************************************

"Sal, did you read it?" was her first words, no hello. How are you? nothing.

"Sorry sis. I had to, not all of it, just the first couple of pages."

I left Alice to read it alone while I went and put the kettle on. By the time I walked into the lounge she was on the second page. Alice looked up saying,

"Dad got hurt, really bad. Burn hands, two broken legs, ribs and a collapsed lung. He was lucky to survive the crash."

"Yes, I know, but we know he recovered though, right?"

Alice smiled and said, "Mum and nanna helped to mend him. she has just gone back to Biggin Hill."

Our mum carried on with her training getting back to my dad whenever she could. She spent the next three months getting lifts on any transport she could get. Even once travelling on the back of a tractors hay bale. Just so she could see him, until one fateful day in July.

24th July 1940

"I am to be dropped by light aircraft into occupied Belgium in two days. I won't lie, I am petrified. I have to say my goodbye to James tomorrow, I am not sure I can, it will kill me. I love him so; I do not want to leave him."

25th July 1940

"Flight Wing Commander Howard gave me the best news; he has been on the phone with James. He has permission to come to the airfield come to see me off. I came back for final briefings this afternoon; James will be here by dawn on Saturday.

26th July 1940

"I am scared, my French is good but what if I make a mistake? James will be here soon; I have not slept well. I do not want to go, but it is my duty."

We turned the page, it was blank. As was the next, I frantically flicked through the endless empty pages praying there was more.

"Shit, shit, shit, its stopped, it's fucking stopped again!"

Alice sprang to her feet and tipped the boxes onto the floor, spiders and bugs flew everywhere. We both jumped to the safety of the sofa screaming.

When it was safe to approach the piles of paperwork, we did so with kitchen tongs, lifting each notepad and paper shaking them well before laying each item back onto the table.

Once we were certain there were no more bugs, we sifted through looking for something, anything to finish her story.

"Look at us?" we both started to laugh, "We don't take after mum do we, ha, ha."

It was mostly old bills and domestic appliance receipts, but one notepad though had a crumpled note in an old envelope.

*************************************************************************************************

My Dear children, if you have found this, look for my diaries. They are in the bank vault with our private things. You will find the address in my will; it is held with my solicitor. Andersons of Deptford.

You will find things that will shock you I am sure, please forgive me for not speaking of these things to you all. The longer your father and I kept the secrets, the harder it got to tell you.

Your father is my soulmate he is my one true love, you will find I had loved another, please, please, find it in your hearts to forgive me. Your father is the most wonderful man, he knows the truth, he forgave me years ago.

You have a sister; she has a family in France. Her name is Heidi, she is getting on now, twenty years your senior.

Your sister has children, and you have nieces and nephews in France. I know this is a lot to take in and I do wish I had told you. But as I said, the secret was so big I found it hard to find a way to.

I have been in constant contact with her, her address is at the back of this notebook. She has the answer to the questions you no doubt have.

I love you, my children.

Mum xxx

************************************************************************************************

The tears flowed freely again. We hugged and cried, trying to find the address through the tears.

There was an address with a contact number,

"Do we ring her Sally?"

"Ali, we need to know, don't we? Mums letter says she has the answers, I mean we don't even know who this Harry bloke is yet do we? I do think we need to bring the others into this before we decide either way."

I spoke to Ben when he got home, I needed his opinion.

"I think you need to know Sal. Hell, I need to know!"

We all met in a local pub over the. Weekend. It was decided after some quite heated debates that we should contact Heidi.

Billy was against it, he said it would spoil our memories of our mum, but it was three to one. How do we approach her though, that was the tough question.

Myself, Mary and Alice sat around my dining table. It was decided I would do the talking; my hands were shaking so much I nearly dropped the phone. I needed a strong drink before making the call.

I put it on speakerphone and made the call, it rang seven or eight times, I nearly hung up. My courage was draining from me with every ring.

"Bonjour?" came out of the speaker.

I had all the words planned, but they flew from my brain, my mind went to mush, I was completely tongue tied.

Alice grabbed the phone from my hand,

"Bonjour Madame, do you speak any English?"

'Oui, yes. A little,'

"Hello, I am the daughter of Alice Johnstone, are you Heidi?"

The phone went silent.

"Heidi?.........."

'Non.....grand-mere, erm...she is my grand-mere, grand-mother.'

"Is she there?"

'Oui, yes, un instant s'il-vous-plait.'

The silence was deafening as we waited for her grandma.

"Bonjour....Hello?"

"Heidi, is that Heidi?"

"Oui, sorry, yes, it is. Who is this?"

"Hello Heidi, I am Alice, the daughter of Alice Johnstone."

The phone went silent, we waited. "Heidi?"

Had she hung up? "Heidi, are you there?"

"Shit, what do we do now?"

I poured three large scotches, and we knocked them back, we were trying to decide our next move when,

"Ring, Ring." My cell burst into life.

Alice beat me to it,

"Bonjour, es-tu Alice?"

"Yes, Heidi?"

"Non, Michelle, Heidi is my mother. I am sorry, she cannot speak at the moment. She is in shock. She is old and cannot take such excitement. Are you really Alice, Alice Johnstone?"

"Yes, but not my mum. Alice was my mother I am named after her."

"Oh, oui, I understand. It is a shock for her, you understand, after all these years."

"I see, I am sorry. I do understand, sorry. But I think your mother is my sister."

Again, the phone went silent, we all gathered around the coffee table looking at the cell phone for any sign of a response.

"Would you mind if I called you back in an hour Alice, we have much to discuss with ma-mere, my mother."

The phone went silent again. Three more very large scotches were poured. We didn't move an inch from that table for the next 90 minutes.

"Ring, Ring."

I motioned Alice to answer it, she spoke to Michelle for the next 45 minutes with us in the background chipping in when we could. It was agreed that we should all meet.

I booked tickets on the Eurostar for the three of us. Billy still thought it was a mistake and declined. We were going to meet our sister in France, the sister and her family we were blissfully unaware of just two weeks ago. Alice and I exchanged addresses and emails with Michelle. We spoke of both sides of our extended families and could not wait to meet them.

Ben was aware just how much I needed to do this, I had his wholehearted support to follow through to the end, good or bad.

Heidi lived in a small suburb ten kilometers from Lille, she had most of her family living within 2-3 km of her cottage. She has five children and seventeen grandchildren. It turned out much to our surprise that mum had made contact with her nearly twenty years ago.

Our mother and Heidi had talked for years without our knowledge, it was a revelation to us. She knew of us and our lives, we had no idea she even existed. Again, mum kept so many secrets from us, why?

She had misjudged us so much to think we would not have loved to be told of her life. Was it her love for Harry Taylor and her betrayal of my dad that kept her from unburdening herself of this.

I asked Michelle if we could just have her and Heidi at her cottage for our first meeting, if we had her whole family, it would be too overwhelming, and the right questions might be a bit awkward to ask.

The train journey was emotional, we took all of the documentation and photos that we were in possession of. I booked a large room in a nice hotel in Lille, because we really had no idea how this meeting would turn out. I cannot think when I had ever been this nervous before.

We struck lucky with the cab driver, he spoke perfect English and the ride was a pleasant thirty-minute drive.

He took us through a quaint little French town.

"Madame, the house you are looking for is the little white cottage at the end of this lane, I cannot drive the whole way because it looks unsafe."

He dropped us halfway, it was lovely. There were fruit trees lining the lane with sheep in the fields beyond. The road surface was very uneven, but we managed, the scenery more than made up for the road.

A small white cottage came into view through the trees, it was like a picture postcard. A picket fence with rosebushes and shrubs in the garden, a pathway that parted a beautifully manicured lawn.

"This is it, deep breath girls."

The knocker was a bell, an old-fashioned bell on a spring hanging from a small, roofed porch, I pulled on the rope. It made a light tinkling sound.

A minute later a woman about Alice's age answered, she was the spitting image of Mary.

"Michelle?"

"Oui, Sally?"

The fear of this meeting evaporated as she stepped towards us and took me, wrapping me into her arms squeezing me tightly.

"My God, my god. You are real."

My sisters came in for a group hug,

"Ma-mere, ma-mere, they are here!"

Michelle ushered us into a small scullery, then through an old-style cottage kitchen with cobbled stone floor. A fire was flickering through a doorway, the light was flickering on the walls. Michelle led us through it into a beautiful living room, a frail lady sitting in an armchair by the fire looked up at us as we entered.

We burst into tears again, she was the image of mum, our dear mothers twin.

She made as if to rise, I rushed to her side and said, "no, stay seated, please." I crouched and took her hand.

"My sister."

She slowly took her glasses from her nose and peered into my eyes,

"I have waited so long, I thought I would never meet any of you."

I took her frail fingers in my hand and kissed them, by now Mary and Alice had crowded in behind me.

Heidi looked up at them, "Mary, Alice?"

Alice was uncontrollably sobbing, Michelle closed in to console her.

"Please, all sit, sil-vous-plait." Michelle guided us to the chairs surrounding her mother.

Heidi had watery eyes as she spoke,

"I cannot believe my sisters are here, I never ever thought this day would come. Thank you, thank you all so much. Michelle, could you get the tea, I have English tea just for you."

Over the next two hours we talked and cried with each other, sitting around her open fire.

It was all we had hoped for and more. Gone were the awkward feelings we had had.

Gone was the fear, the trepidation and worry. This was our sister.

Michelle showed us the photo albums of Heidi's family, there were some of her father Harry. She had lots that we had never seen of our mum, mum had sent them over to her. We had so many questions,

"Later, later. Let us use this time for us." She said.

"Ma-mere, I mean OUR mother thought it was best to not contact any of you, I respected her wishes. I am sorry I so wanted to see you all but, your father also said not to."

"How often did you speak to mum; did you ever meet her?"

"Oui, just the once, in Paris. We had planned to more, much more but unfortunately, she died just before I was due leave.

I was to see our mother and her husband in England, it broke my heart. Your father told me would be better if I did not come and meet any of you. I understood he did not want any of you to know about your mum's infidelity in the war.

"Harry, you mean Harry?"

"Oui."

"Can you tell us about him?"

"In time, in time. Like I said, this time is for us." She whispered.

Michelle's phone beeped, "Ma-mere, la famille?"

Heidi smiled a beautiful smile at her daughter. She looked back at us,

"It is her daughters, they are curious. Would you mind if they came over to visit?"

Michelle gave us a pleading look, waiting for our response.

"Of course, of course." Mary replied, "get them over here!"

The rest of the day was spent with us trying to learn French words, us teaching the children English. Eating cake and English tea. The first meeting and merging of our families could not have gone better.

We made our tearful goodbyes and made our way to the hotel pledging to return the next day. We were buzzing all night, the three of us hit the hotel bar and drank into the early hours as we relived our day.

The following morning, I paid the price for the wine, my head felt like hell. Alice was chipper, she was already dressed as I opened my weary eyes. Mary was in the shower, God I felt like shit.

"I have left the shower running Sal, get in. It will help clear your head."

After a freshen up we all made our way down to the restaurant. Croissants, bread and cheese.

"Oh, I had hoped it would be egg and bacon, I could kill a full English." I joked.

The waiter bought a bottle of wine over to us.

"Wine? Its bloody nine o'clock?" Said Mary.

"When in Rome!" laughed Alice grabbing it from his grasp.

"Ohhh, coffee for me please, lots of it, black."

*********************************************

I rang Ben after breakfast, "Do you mind if we stayed the week love?"

"Of course," he said, "as long as it takes, did it go ok?"

"Oh Ben, she is mum. She is sooooo mum. It was like seeing my mum alive again, it was the most wonderful day, so emotional but I am drained.

She lives in an old-style cottage, open fires and everything. Michelle is making us all a tradition lunch today; we are meeting the whole family."

"Slow down, slow down. I take it, it went ok then?" he laughed.

"Ben, it could not have gone better. Are you sure you do not mind us staying?"

"Like I said, it takes as long as it takes. Make the most of your new sister, I love you."

"I love you too, I'll ring you later."

I made my way back to the girls and we spoke of the day to come.

********************************************

It was a sunny, crisp, august morning. The sun was blinding as we walked up the rocky chalk lane. The roof of the cottage came into view, grey smoke was curling upwards from the chimney. As we got closer, we saw people, so many people outside. The sound of chatter started; the younger children looked excited to meet the foreigners. Some were clinging to their mothers' legs, but a few came running to the small white picket fence to meet us.

"Bonjour, bonjour!" came the calls from the kids.

I did my best French accent, "Bonjour."

The children laughed.

Heidi was in the midst of her children's arms she had four girls and one boy, much like mum. Her grandchildren were all around, it was such a happy scene.

"Please, please come in. Welcome back to my home, this is my family. We are YOUR family."

Today, it was decided we would talk of families, ours and hers. No talk of the past, the past was for tomorrow. Tomorrow we would talk of our mother and our joint histories. Today was all about us.

The day was full of questions from Heidi's children and grandchildren. We did our very best to answer them. It was another wonderful day, the three of us marveled at how good their English was and so ashamed of our French.

We were also amazed at how well we all got on. I was dying to know how my mum had met and why she married Harry Taylor though. I prayed Heidi could answer all of my questions tomorrow.