My Name is Dave, Not David

The lady sat down and was writing something on her notepad while I stared at the road. A few minutes later, I turned my head and said, "He's back, and Sue's in the passenger seat."

She jumped up, and we both watched Sue get out of the car and follow Charlie into the house.

"Dave, are you sure that's not your wife because that sure looks like her."

"That's what I told you; Sue looks like my wife, Susan."

I stared at Charlie's bedroom window, and when I saw him in his bedroom, I said, "Okay, we can go over now. The shows about to begin; that's what Arnold said. He thought it was funny because he laughed, but he wouldn't tell me what show it is."

I walked out my front door as Arnold parked his car across the street. I waved to him and cut across the grass to Charlie's front door with the lady right behind me asking one question after another.

"Who's that guy you waved at? Are we going into Charlie's house? Are you going to take a picture with your smartphone?"

"That's Arnold, but I heard he's divorced now. Yes, we're going into Charlie's house. No, I'm not taking pictures; I'm making a video. Ida, you have to be very quiet, so Charlie doesn't catch us."

"Right behind you, Dave."

I opened the door and walked softly toward the hallway leading to the side of the house and his bedroom.

I waved my hand at Ida and then shushed her with my finger over my lips. Then I turned the video camera app on in my phone and walked around the corner toward the bedroom.

"Suck it, Susan, oh yeah, feels great...."

I pointed the camera at the big mirror on Pam's dresser, which was facing the bed, and listened to Charlie's big mouth. He laid down on his back, and Sue climbed on top facing the mirror while rubbing her nipples. I let the recorder run for another couple of minutes before retreating down the hallway and stopping the recording. Ida and I tiptoed out, shutting the door behind us. Arnold was standing behind his car, pointing his arm toward town.

"That's the signal, Ida; he wants me to send it in a text." While I brought up the number Arnold added to my contact list, Ida had more questions.

"Was that your wife with him? What were they doing in there? Who are you sending the text to?"

"Ida, you ask too many questions. I told you, the woman is Sue Helms, and she's sitting on top of Charlie, and they don't have any clothes on, and I'm sending the text and video to the gym. There, all done. Arnold said to pull out a chair and watch the show, and now since you're here, I got two chairs out."

We walked back to two lawn chairs next to my garage and sat down, and Ida pulled her smartphone out as we waited.

A new Mustang came flying down the street, skidded to a stop, and ended up in Charlie's front yard. David, Sue's husband, jumped out of the car and knocked the front door down before disappearing inside the house.

"He didn't have to knock the door down; I left it unlocked. The next time we play this game, I'll leave the door open."

Then we heard yelling and screaming, and Sue came running out with a sheet wrapped around her and crouched down behind the Mustang. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned my head to see my wife standing there.

"See Ida; I told you it wasn't Susan in Charlie's house."

"We saw David burning rubber, and Pam started crying and blubbering about Charlie and Sue, and we didn't have enough cars to all ride in, and Helen Smith drove her school bus to the alleys, so we all piled into the bus and came to see the show."

I saw both bowling teams standing in my front yard with their cell phones out. David came out, dragging Charlie by his hair, and after kicking him in the side a couple of times, screamed, "SUE! Where the hell are you, darling?"

She stood up, and he walked around the car yelling at her. She circled the car in the same direction David was going.

"I know this one, ring around the Rosie."

I heard sirens getting louder and saw a police car screeching to a halt behind David's Mustang. Another one came from the opposite direction, sliding sideways and almost hitting Arnold's car.

I got up, and Pam dropped into my chair, drying up tears on her cheeks with Kleenex, and since the sirens were loud, I went into the garage, put my headphones on, and changed the oil and filter on my 1971 Plymouth Hemi Barracuda. When I finished and took off my noise-reducing headphones, things were quiet outside my garage, so I walked out to see if the show was over.

Charlie was sitting on his front porch, and Pam was standing next to him, slapping his face and screaming at him. Sue stepped over the front door with her clothes on, and Pam slapped her so hard she fell off the porch onto one of Charlie's prize rose bushes. Sue rolled off, crying, and got in David's Mustang and left.

"Did you see Sue flatten Charlie's rosebush? That was funny, haha."

David was in the backseat of the police car facing my house, and Arnold was just driving away, giving me a thumbs up. All the ladies from the bowling teams except Susan and Pam were milling around in my yard, hugging and giving cheek smooches. I knew where Pam was, and Susan was sitting in my chair talking to Ida.

I overheard some of their conversation, "You mean Charley has been trying to get a rise out of Dave for a year by making him think you were sleeping with him?"

"Uh-huh. He's such an idiot; Dave knows there's only one man for me, and that's...."

I jumped, landed with a thud, and yelled out, "Super Dave."

When all the women in my yard stared at me, I said, "Um, that was a joke. Haha, joke."

They all turned away and went back doing what they were doing. I will never understand what makes people laugh, and I will never understand women.

"I'm gonna go play WarCraft, Susan. Ida, would you like to hear how I helped the police catch a dangerous criminal?"

She pulled her pocket recorder out, so I told her.

"I'm no hero; I was walking down the sidewalk with my head down playing with my Gameboy, and I walked into him, knocked the gun out of his hand, and he released the woman he was holding. Police jumped out, handcuffed him, then slapped me on the back, and called me a hero. I was upset because I had to restart my game. They gave me a medal, but my oldest daughter put it on her dog's collar for saving her favorite doll from an angry cat."

"Well, another April Fools' Day is almost done, and I still don't see what's so funny about it. Maybe I need to read a book."

*****

Dave does understand humor, but what is funny to most people, he doesn't understand, and no one understands what he thinks is funny.

He understands love but has difficulty showing his feelings to a girl who expects a show of affection, like flowers, candy, dinner, and dancing. Susan, his wife, was damaged goods, is not very pretty, and was used for sex by college boys. Dave knows her past and has placed her on a pedestal because he thinks she is perfect. She loves Dave, and Dave lets her run the household because he trusts her.

Dave is also a computer genius whose tremendous focus eliminates mistakes in his programming and his division's final coding when a product is turned over to an Alphabet Company.

If you have a friend who consistently is half a second late laughing at a joke, and their laughter seems forced, odds are they have Asperger's, and the laugh is created to fit in.

In 2013, it became part of one umbrella diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 (DSM-5).

*****