My Nephew Got into My Knickers

"Hi Ben, hi Katie," I said as I answered the phone, to see that my kids were standing on another well-known Australian bridge, Brisbane's Story Bridge with the Brisbane River and the Brisbane City skyline behind them. "Are you having a good time with your Dad?"

"Yeah it's great," said Ben. "I love Queensland."

"Me too, we're having a great time," affirmed Katie.

"I've got a bit of a surprise for you," I said, moving my phone so Cody was in shot. "Say hello to your cousin Cody."

"Hi Ben, hi Katie," said Cody, giving my kids a friendly wave.

Ben and Katie seemed a little surprised by the turn of events and that in less than 24 hours their cousin was staying with me, but I don't think they were too shocked that this had transpired. It was well known in the family that Cody did not have a great relationship with his parents and sister.

We talked a bit before wishing each other all the best and ending the call, me happy that my kids were having fun up in Queensland. Then Cody and I took the selfie we had been intending to, people passing by again maybe thinking we were a romantically involved couple with an age difference, before making our way into the main part of the CBD.

Crowds milled through Swanston Street as we went past the iconic Flinders Street Station, and as usual it was pretty busy at the intersection where the station, a historic cathedral, Federation Square and one of Melbourne's oldest pubs were located at each corner. After crossing the also very busy intersection with Collins Street, a bit further along we came to the Bourke Street Mall which was also busy and where something interesting happened.

While mainly a fine still day, a bit of a breeze had come up in the city. A sudden sharp gust, funneled by Bourke Street's tall buildings got under my short loose skirt and blew it up, Cody and everyone else passing by able to see that I was wearing white bikini-style knickers with pink leg and waist elastic, before I pulled my skirt back down to cover my panties.

Cody being such a young gentleman of course pretended he hadn't seen my knickers, but I knew he had and my pussy was certainly responding as we continued our walk up busy Swanston Street, trams going past in each direction.

"So, how about vegan for lunch?" I suggested jokingly to Cody, my nephew for moment thinking I was serious, before realizing it was a joke and laughing along with me.

"I think I'd rather eat out of the bin with those birds," said Cody, indicating an overflowing bin where squabbling magpies and crows were attempting to extricate the food scraps.

"Don't worry, I was only joking, I don't like vegan food either, we'll go somewhere nice at Melbourne Central," I said, thinking about how at his house Cody had to prepare his own food - usually a microwave dinner for one - as he refused to convert to veganism like the rest of his immediate family.

We carried on to Melbourne Central, where we had some sandwiches for lunch. One of the main attractions at the multi-level shopping and entertainment complex was a large clock shaped like a pocket watch. On the hour it would chime, the bottom of the clock would come away and robotic birds - pink and grey galahs and sulphur-crested cockatoos - would dance around to the song 'Waltzing Matilda.'

The clock did strike the hour when we were in the complex, and Cody and I stopped to watch the display. "I've seen the clock thousands of times and I can never resist stopping to watch," I said.

"Me either, it's beautiful, who wouldn't like it?" Cody agreed. He then stopped, laughed and said, "My sister of course, she thinks it might encourage people to keep birds as pets."

I couldn't prevent rolling my eyes, and given it was such a nice day outside it was too good to head back for home right now, so Cody and I went to the quiet, plane-tree lined streets of historic East Melbourne with all its fine and expensive homes from the late 1800s and early 1900s. We then headed into the nearby Fitzroy Gardens to visit another place that was much disliked by my SJW sister, brother-in-law and niece and that was Captain Cook's Cottage.

During one school excursion Tamara had refused to go inside as the historic building was apparently 'too problematic' and like she had done at the farm in South Australia, stood outside with her arms folded in sulky, silent protest. And just like every other time, her mother and father heaped sycophantic praise upon their daughter for her 'superior moral standards' both online and in person.

"Want to send the photos to your parents and sister?" I joked as Cody and I exited Cook's Cottage having taken several selfies together of us outside and in the building.

"It might cause Tamara to have one of her meltdowns," laughed Cody. "Although she probably wouldn't see it for a while, probably too busy fawning to those weirdos from Sydney Mum and Dad have staying."

Cody and I made our way through the warm afternoon autumn sunshine through the parkland around the Melbourne Cricket Ground and walked along the Yarra banks towards the city, the tall spire of the Melbourne Arts Centre and the Eureka Tower and other skyscrapers at Southbank in the distance showing our destination.

As some rowers went by, Cody looked around at the Botanic Gardens and the Domain and said mischievously, "Remember the last time we were here for that comedy festival?"

I shook my head. "I wish I could forget it."

The only reason I had taken Ben and Katie to the so-called comedy festival was because Rhonda had invited us, and I couldn't think up a suitable lie to get out of it at short notice, not that Rhonda ever listened to me anyway.

The result was that we were stuck at the festival for over three hours watching as feminists, lesbians, gays and people whose gender could not be accurately determined got up on stage and delivered stand-up routines that were all 100 percent politically correct and full of woke social justice narratives - and 100 percent devoid of laughs.

Katie, Ben, Cody and I just stood there through this torture, me thinking back to my time on TV years earlier. The sketch comedy component of the show was all very G-rated, family friendly as was to be expected for a children's variety show, but compared to this SJW shit it was edgy, risqué and politically incorrect.

One skit I was in made fun of difficult customers in restaurants. I played a waitress, other kids played other restaurant staff and some of the others played difficult customers. One of the boys dressed in a fat suit to play an obese glutton with terrible manners, a girl dressing up as an arrogant French stereo-type, another boy and girl depicting an elderly couple who couldn't hear properly and kept changing their minds and one of the older girls playing a Karen long before Karen's were a thing and constantly complaining while her kids ran riot and uncontrolled were funny. Corny yes, dated yes, poorly acted due to inexperience of child and teen actors yes, but overall funny. Now the woke brigade would probably campaign for the show to be taken off the air due to making fun of fat people, ethnic stereo-types, the elderly and women.

Growing up, I saw Rhonda laugh about as often as I saw a Tasmanian Tiger. I had never seen Sven laugh in all the time I had known him, and it seemed Tamara was born without any sense of humor at all. Yet watching this woke crap, they laughed like they had been given a dose of nitrous dioxide at the dentist. And they were not the only ones laughing, the sycophantic SJW's all laughed at this crap while sipping their soy lattes and snacking on vegan food.

There was a rotunda on the lawn adjacent to the entrance to the Botanic Gardens and Cody indicated it. "Remember the parents taking their kids to meet drag queens to learn more about LBGTQI or however many letters there are in it now?"

I had very strong opinions on this as a mother, having watched in horror as lefty parents took their kids into an area adorned with rainbow gay pride flags to meet drag queens, listen to stories read by the aforementioned drag queens and get indoctrinated. "If any of those freaks had got anywhere near Ben or Katie when they were younger they would have been washing capsicum spray out of their eyes."

Cody nodded in agreement. "It disturbs me that these 'people' want to be around children. Talk about creepy."

"I know gay people who don't like it either," I said. "My friend at work Josh, he's gay but you would never know it. I'd seen him meeting a lady for lunch called Sophie, I thought that they were in a relationship but as it turns out they're just friends. It was only when Josh's mother turned up at the office one day asking 'for my big gay son' that I found out the truth."

Cody laughed. "What? She said that? In front of everyone in your office?"

I nodded. "Yes, she said it as a joke. Josh was horrified, but it wasn't the first time apparently. He's always complaining about his Mum - Chelsea I think her name is - saying how much she embarrasses him. I think she had him when she was still a teenager, she didn't look anywhere near old enough to have a 40-year-old son. But although Josh is gay, he and his partner don't agree with exposing kids to drag queens and transgender people."

"I've got nothing against gay people like your friend Josh," said Cody. "It's just the way people like my Mum, Dad and sister insist that kids should be made familiar with gay or transgender issues at young ages that annoys me. Just let them be kids. Maybe I'm just old fashioned?"

"Don't worry, I think the same."

"Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era."

Cody's last comment was something I had thought for ages, but having heard him say it himself I felt he was wise beyond his 18 years.

"Unfortunately we can't go back in time," I said. "But if you're sick of woke, progressive, social justice things then I have the perfect thing at home."

Cody looked interested. "What's that?"

"The most politically incorrect movie you could ever see. It came out in 1999 so 20-years-old. I hadn't seen it for years until I happened to find it on DVD for two dollars in a discount bin at the shops last week. If they tried to make a movie like that today, it wouldn't get past the approval stage. I haven't watched it yet so how about we make some popcorn and put it on tonight?"

"Sounds like the sort of thing I want to see," Cody said. "Beats the hell out of the stupid woke SJW movies my family watch at home."

*

Reaching St. Kilda Road, Cody and I caught a tram back to the beach and returned to the car. I put the fruit and vegetables I had purchased in South Melbourne in the back, then I drove home with Cody in the passenger seat, only remembering just in time to remove the P plates.

Returning inside the house, the cat wanted food and was clearly not impressed that we had been out all day and not tending to her needs. I would have fed her, but needed the loo.

"Cody, could you please feed the cat while I go to the toilet?" I asked.

"Sure Aunty Emily," said Cody, reaching down to pet the cat, stroking her ears.

I looked at my fine looking nephew, and thought earlier about how my nephew would have seen my knickers walking up the stairs near the bridge, and when the breeze caught my skirt and blew it up showing everyone in the Bourke Street Mall my undies. I also thought about how people had looked at us as though we were a cougar and her lover, and before I knew what I was doing I blurted out, "Oh and Cody, if you could please bring in my washing from the line it would be a great help."

Without waiting to see his reaction, I made haste for the toilet. Closing and locking the door, I hiked up my short skirt, pulled my knickers down to my ankles and sat down on the toilet. I looked down my panties seeing my female stains on the saddle as I sat on the toilet doing my business. I heard Cody go past out the back laundry door to collect my laundry in, and knowing that Cody was at that moment touching my bras and knickers as he collected them from the line drove me crazy between my legs.

I squirmed on the toilet seat, wriggling my bare bottom around as my clitoris tingled. My pussy got wet and sticky as I got more and more turned on, and with such an aroused vagina it presented me with quite a problem. Every time I wiped myself, my toilet paper would stick to my vulva, before I dragged it backwards to my anus.

Finishing after about seven minutes or so, I stood up, flushed the toilet and pulled up my panties. Exiting the toilet I washed my hands, then looked into my bedroom. All my clothes were in the hamper, and I could see a bra and two pairs of my knickers on the top. Knowing that Cody had handled my panties made me weak at the knees, and I felt the same tingling between my legs as I went into the lounge room and saw my handsome nephew sitting there.

"Thanks for feeding the cat and bringing in my laundry Cody," I said, trying to sound neutral.

"It's no problem at all, I'm happy to help out Aunty Emily," said Cody. If he was turned on by handling my knickers, he wasn't giving it away.

As promised, I put on the DVD and as Cody and I sat next to each other with a large bowl of popcorn I said, "Prepare to be blown away."

The movie came on and it was just as gross, offensive and politically incorrect as I had remembered it. A frat-boy comedy that was pretty common in the late 1990s and early 2000s, this film centered about the antics of a bumbling group of slackers at a college campus.

Causing all the girls in the soriety house to get food poisoning, all of them having projectile vomiting and uncontrollable diarrhea was one of the more memorable scenes early in the film, setting the tone for what was to come.

In another scene, one of the college guys had taken LSD and he attempted to suckle milk from the breast of a butch dyke lesbian feminist through her anti-male tee-shirt, earning him a punch in the head. Another of the group was having an erotic dream which resulted in him sleepwalking, and accidentally ejaculating all over the fat guy of the group, Cody's eyes going wide watching these scenes.

Two nerdy pledges sold a vase to an Asian student who said that his grandma would like it to complete a collection. Only afterwards did the boy found out how much the family heirloom was worth, and his bullying jock older brother promised to kick their asses if they didn't get it back. When attempts to buy the vase back failed, the two nerds dressed up as Asian women, getting into a party at the Asian people's house reasoning that 'people steal shit at parties'. Looking like something from a very low budget production of the Mikado, the two boys were caught in their attempts to steal the vase and had their asses kicked by the Asians, then got their butts kicked again by the older brother and his friends for their failure to recover the vase.

"I can't believe that got through the censors," said Cody through fits of laughter.

"Nor what's coming up next," I said, as Cody and I concentrated on the screen.

One of the group of slackers was African American, and he decided to take a trip to a zoo on a nice day. Unfortunately, he also brought along a marijuana joint to smoke and he passed out in some bushes and fell asleep, getting locked in the zoo when it closed for the night. When he finally awoke it was getting dark and he was wandering around the empty zoo eating a banana to curb the munchies and pondering how he was going to get out of this situation. Close to the exterior fence, a dotty and myopic old lady was walking by with her dogs and saw him in the shadows eating the banana, the terrified woman rushing to the public phone booth, calling the police in a blind panic to report a monkey was loose in the zoo, the end result being that the young black guy got shot in the ass with a tranquilizer gun when authorities showed up.

Animals were also the downfall of a frat boy who was drunk out of his head at a party and wandered away into the woods, where he fell down an embankment, passed out and awoke to the terrifying sight of a bear standing over him. However rather than kill and eat him, the bear had other ideas in mind. What happened next was not shown on screen, but the slacker could be heard screaming and sobbing and the bear growling and roaring, and when the bear had done what it wanted to do and gone on its way, the slacker's bloodied and ripped shirt showed what had happened in great detail.

Cody was laughing so much that he nearly choked on his popcorn and I paused the DVD, getting him a drink to recover his breath.

"Again, I can't believe that was in a cinema only 20 years ago," said Cody.

"I remember that scene most because of what happened in the movies the night Mark and I saw it," I said.

"Why, what happened?"

"There were two couples sitting near us, they looked like university students. One of the girls - her name was also Emily - she was only tiny but God was she bossy. Anyway, you could tell she was pissed off with the movie and not enjoying it, but when the bear scene came up she jumped out of her seat, yelling about how sick and disgusting it was, screeching at her boyfriend for laughing at it and telling him that they were leaving right now, before getting into an argument with these teenage boys in the row behind, who were yelling at her to shut up and sit down or get out."

Cody spoke through fits of laughter. "Shit, what happened next? Did the boyfriend leave with her?"

"Did as he was told," I confirmed. "I think that happened most of the time, I think he was too scared not to. I hope it was her time of the month that night, imagine if she was like that all the time and there was a scene like that every time she saw something she didn't like. I felt sorry for the other couple with them, I don't think they knew what to do."

We resumed watching the movie, one politically incorrect and gross-out situation after another such as the frat boys' conducting a panty raid on the soriety house not realizing that all the girls were having their periods at the same time; one guy getting so stoned and drunk that he lost track of what he was doing until he woke up in a strange bed the next morning between two fat middle aged homosexuals; the humorless Dean getting mistaken for being a pedophile after a misunderstanding at the children's playground in a park; and the final scene which culminated in a septic tank being accidentally blown up, resulting in the slackers, a group of angry jocks and stuck-up girls and the Dean, University Chairman and a group of wealthy and humorless benefactors all getting covered in shit.

During this time, and without realizing it, Cody and I had moved closer and closer on the couch. We had started off with an appropriate aunt-nephew space between us, but now we were right up against each other more like lovers, our hands touching as we got popcorn out of the bowl.

"Don't tell your mother I let you watch that," I said as the credits rolled.

"I don't think I'll be eating anything for a few days at least after that scene with the exploding septic tank, but I wonder what would happen if somebody showed Tamara that movie?" Cody mused.

"I think your sister might literally vanish, just melt away into thin air," I suggested, imagining my woke SJW niece doing just that.

Cody's face took on a mischievous smile. "Do you think that maybe I could borrow the movie to test that theory?"

I laughed and elbowed him in the ribs. "Cody, that's mean."

"Today I don't think that movie would even get past the screenplay being approved," observed Cody. "Even if it did, there would be so many official complaints."

"It got plenty of those even back in 1999," I said. "And terrible reviews, so many terrible reviews. It often appears on lists of the worst movies of all time. Yes, it's bad, very, very bad but entertaining and you can laugh at how bad it is."