All Comments on 'My Paradise'

You should learn to write! and soon! Because you can't!!!!!!!!

Examples!!!!!!!!!

My eyes were rolled back in there sockets (Where sockets? There sockets!); "quite times" should be QUIET in stead of loud; "a conscientious thought" -- well, my my thoughts always did the wrong thing, even the CONSCIOUS ones; "when I have too" (too many what? OH!!!!! Did you mean, "to?")

Learn to write, or stick to flipping burgers. This was shit.

galilly, I don't see any stories that you have written, so what gives you the right or qualification to thrash someone elses attempts. The way I see it, until you do, you need to just keep your two cents out of it. I see this short story a nice first attempt, and I'm sure that you'll get better as time goes, don't give up because of one "Ass Hole". Looking forward for the next chapter.