All Comments on 'My Sister Kelly'

Pretty good story overall with more than adequate writing, but there are two issues I see that keep it from being all it could be. The first is the abrupt change from past tense to present that happens--without warning--with this paragraph:

That night, as I lay in bed alone, my brain wanders to my birth parents, thinking they should have been here celebrating my high school graduation with me. As their memory comes to the forefront of my mind, I start to weep. Walking by my room, Kelly hears me.

The second is a wandering narrator; usually Dave in the first person, but sometimes a third-person narrator, and other times an omniscient narrator that knows what all main characters are thinking, feeling, and even doing, such as the parents in their bedroom behind a closed door).

I liked this because it is about a caring relationship - not a slut or a cartoon stud in sight. Only one shift from first person, so not bad.

I must warn that "cold turkey" withdrawl without medical supervision can kill. My brother-in-law nearly killed himself that way (prescribed Oxycotin ), and he immediately was sent to court ordered rehab. In rehab, the guy two beds down died.

I thought this would be another sob story. However, it was one that could turn into a good short movie, it has all the concepts of life, love and happiness. With some tragic events being over come. If, there is a continuation to this AND THERE SHOULD BE, I would be the first to look for it. GREAT JOB.

My 2 cents

Great story. 5/5 stars. I liked the story line and the characters. Thanks for your time and your imagination.

The concept of the story was great but the execution was just terrible 3/5

Well done, a little sappy in some points but not too bad. One minor issue...after the police carted away the bad guys, it was late afternoon and they all went to eat at a Mexican restaurant. Mom and son ate too much...Dad and daughter didn't. Then they go home and talk for a while and mom and dad go fix another big meal...Just a little unbelievable.

Good story, but there were many times that the dialogue became repetitive and silted.

A very nice sweet story. I liked it a lot!

Not a bad story, but you have them going out to eat, come home and have the big talk and then mom and dad start supper. That hurt the read.

It was a good story with characters and concept. But few spots could have used a little more time developed in them. But overall enjoyed and could see this having a follow up chapter with a quick explanation how she got into the drug scene and what led to the sex with various people. Cause from all explanations she had good stable family and support. Have them finishing school, proposal, wedding , kids and doting grandparents.

I thought this was an awesome story. Great job

I made it almost to the end of page two, but the constant switching of 1st person to 3rd person, using Mom and Dad one minute and their names the next finally got to me. Get an editor to polish up your story for you and you will have a winner!

Yes, a good editor would have caught the double dinner, but I didn't. Sorry about that folks. I will mull it over and create a correction soon.

Pretty touching story but I noticed the same mistake about going out for dinner and then later mom and dad making dinner.

Some of the sexual activity was hot, but there should have been more of it and less of their verbal devotion. The attempted rape didn't seem to be at all needed.

I really wanted to give this story 5* but there were just too many misses for me to do it. The overall plot was sound and the basis for a solid tale of loss, love, and rebirth. However, the narrative was awkward at times, awful at other times. Your setup of the emotions each character was feeling was really well done, sometimes making me teary eyed. It was the dialogue when Davis and Kelly were communicating their feelings that was just awkward at times. It was like you couldn't make up your mind whether to make a particular scene sexually focused or relationship building scene. I surely didn't "deduct points" for it, but it would have been a better play if Kelly fell apart in school because she was missing David, her protector, and loving for other places to fill that void. 4*

Damn that was good. Thanks.

Little heavy on pg 5

Where was the actual incest? I was literally waiting for the mom and dad to tell the son and daughter they were brother and sister and that Dave blocked her out.

Keeping the verb tense the same is crucial for a reader to enjoy the story and not have confused interpretations of the flow. Also, who is telling the story. Sometimes it's being told in first person, at others third person. The timeline was confused at times...ex. the two dinners. Again, agreeing with another comment, the conversations were too rigid and didn't seem to flow well at times. An editor would have really helped.

Other than those few negatives, the story was unique. You approached a sensitive situation in an original manner, with an imaginatve approach that made me, the reader, feel uncomfortable, yet sympathetic to both of your main characters. The thoughts came out well, somewhat disorganized, but reasonable. You made me feel that there was a true emotional bond between the siblings. Good fortune on future stories. 4*.

I agree with many of the "cautions" (criticisms) in the Comments section--e.g., the double dinner, the descriptions of fighting, the changes of voice, a certain repetitiveness in the dialogue. But the concept (adopted orphan brother, etc.) is sound --really good, in fact. I found both of the main characters appealing and believable.

It was emotional. Even romantic. But not hot.

Love, devotion. Passion Affection, Sex ….

All in one story.

A little “soupy “ in the end, but lovely.

Will there be more chapters?

I liked the story very much as is. I was able to follow all the way through without any problem.

It is a great story, and the sex serves to enhance the whole thing. You did a great job in

conveying all the emotion. I felt like I was there. Keep up the good work!!!

Hey Folks, the double dinner has gone so enjoy the story. MDSW

Fan-FUCKIN-Tastic! Superb plot,writing and story!

"You need and editor!" Too many grammatical errors!" Blah, blah, blah...FUCK THAT!!! Great story! Good length, good character development, plausible storyline, an ace of a tale! Please keep up the good work!

Grear story. Enjoyed the read. 5 stars

Great read,Can fault it, can we maybe have more of the same.

5 stars.

Okay, on the plus side I really enjoyed the close loving relationship between Dave and Kelly. They don't fuck each other out of physical attraction or just plain lust. But at the same time I viewed your efforts to describe their emotional feelings for each other as lackluster. I don't understand why you couldn't properly articulate their love for each other. But it certainly would have helped had you alluded to a nonsibling love for each other prior to Kelly's drug abuse and addiction. Perhaps you could have blamed Kelly's fall from grace on her inability to deal with pining for Dave after falling in love with him.

Bottom line is that you have what is basically a good outline for what could be a great story. But it falls way short of being a quality product. The changes from first person narrative to third person and back again are the kind of mistakes that are typically made in English class during intermediate school. There are plenty of other sophomoric mistakes like that throughout.

I loved the idea, but was extremely disappointed with the presentation. Score 3/5.

thanks I loved the emotional build up,

I probably would have expected, it all to become a big orgy, we are here on literotica aren't we... But this way, it was more of a realistic sounding story...

Great story with just the right amount of 'drama'.

11/10!!!!!

Great story with high five. Shown a pure protection n abundant love n gratitude for uplifting Dave's life. Nice story well constructed.

I love your stories

So far so good all these as much as alike s5o different please continue writing

Enjoyed this much better than the last few. No parent drama trying to shag the kids.

Great story and plot. Do believe the story could have been cut in half from 6 pages to maybe 3. Story went a little over board on all the details of the fucking, but still a good story..