My Wife wants to Date Other Men

I did talk with each of my daughters that evening, but told them I didn't want to talk about their mother. I wanted them to know how glad I was to see them and that I loved them very much. I had tears in my eyes and became quite emotional when I finally realized how close I had come to never seeing them again. Sydney did manage to sneak in that Debbie had told all three of them that she blamed herself for what happened to me, but with no specifics. I didn't argue the point with Sydney and I know she found that interesting. She also mentioned that Debbie promised to sit down with them tomorrow and explain further. Teri and Darci did tell me that they would be taking extended time off to help with my recovery. I was overwhelmed with emotion and Beth had to put an end to the visit.

After the visits with my daughters I knew that no matter what happened with Debbie, life would go on. My life was going to be more complicated but it wasn't going to end. I just needed to decide what to do about my relationship with my wife. Was there even a point in talking to her about it? Even if she scrapped her dating plans, could I still live with her? I needed to answer that question before talking with her. Maybe the girls could help me with the decision. If Sydney was right Debbie would have filled them in on what precipitated my heart attack, so their perspective might help me. Cheating doesn't just affect the couple's relationship, it affects the whole family.

A very interesting development was that my wife and daughters decided that when released from the hospital I would stay at our house while my wife would move in with Sydney's family into their guest room. Teri and Darci would alternate providing what care I would need for a few weeks. The doctors were confident that I would be back to normal activities within 5-6 weeks.

I was content with the arrangements but thought it very odd that the first two weeks I was home my wife never made a single attempt to contact me. Not even a text message. Perhaps the girls read her the riot act and told her to back off. Or, could she be using the opportunity to go out on dates! I just didn't know, but really I wasn't up to a direct confrontation.

I decided to speak with Darci first as she had always been closet to her mother and would possibly give me a peek into my wife's state of mind. Darci and I met alone at the house and she knew ahead of time that I wanted to talk about the "incident" with her.

I, like my wife, am a pretty direct person so as soon as Darci walked into the room I blurted out, "Darci, how long have you known about your mother's desire to date other men?"

"I, ah, we talked about it some." She mumbled without making eye contact.

"How long Darci?" I growled!

"I'm sorry Dad. About 3-4 months.

My blood pressure was rising and I was losing control already. This wasn't good. I needed to calm down. "I'm sorry Darci, I didn't mean to yell at you. I really want your input here. This has hit me really hard. I had no idea your mother wasn't happy with our relationship. It's literally breaking my heart!" I tried a little levity to calm myself.

"Oh Dad, she loves you very much and this doesn't mean anything. She just wants to experience some things before she gets too old." It shouldn't reflect on your relationship at all."

"Do you really believe that bullshit? I mean really Darci, how can her having sex with other men not mean anything to me? I'm flabbergasted that you can say that. So, your opinion is that I should allow her to have sex with other men so she can experience more in her life, then return to me as if nothing has happened?"

"Well, maybe not as if anything has happened, but your love for her should be strong enough to get past this. She has devoted her entire life to you, to all of us and she just wants this for herself. Really Dad, your 59 years old and you have probably slowed down some, it's normal that Mom wants to experience younger men. It's a natural thing for a woman to want to experience."

Now there was a shocker. I figured Debbie didn't want to date old men, but hearing that from my daughter really hit home. It was all about sex. While I may have slowed down I thought I still did pretty good, but I guess I was wrong.

"Shouldn't her love for me be strong enough that she shouldn't have to date other men to be fulfilled? And, what if I have slowed down? That's a reason for her to cheat on me?

"Don't be silly Dad. It wouldn't be cheating if you knew about it! That's why she tried to talk to you about it."

We went around and around for another 5-10 minutes but really didn't get anywhere. Darci's opinion was very clear on the subject. I had to end this conversation before I exploded!

In an almost childlike voice Darci asked, "What are you going to do Dad?

"I don't know Darci, I just don't know, but there isn't anyway I can live with your mom sleeping with other men, I am just not made that way!" I knew full well that Debbie would know the particulars of our conversation in short order. We hugged and said our goodbyes. I thought to myself that I hoped Darci never married or at least disclosed her beliefs up front to her fiancé.

My conversation with Teri was about the exact opposite. She came into the room all charged up and spit out, "I can't believe that bitch is doing this to us!"

"Whoa there" I said with my hand up near her face. "That's your mother you're talking about, and she isn't doing it to us. She is doing it to me!"

"Get real Dad, when someone in the family cheats, it affects us all. So yes, she's cheating on her family!"

"Uh Teri, you said 'she is,' not that she is going to cheat?"

"You really are clueless aren't you Dad? She has been going out with men since you were in the hospital! I think she was doing it before you had your heart attack. I don't think she has slept with any of them yet, but she is definitely auditioning them!"

I suspected that my relationship with Darci was pretty much over after that revelation. I wouldn't be surprised if she was setting up dates for Debbie!

It was odd. I kept waiting for another heart attack or at least a stroke, but it didn't happen. I felt only sadness because at that point I knew my marriage was over. The truth was I wasn't really surprised Debbie did it. She was always head strong. But why did she call the paramedics when I had the heart attack? It didn't make any sense unless in her own bizarre fashion I guess she did at least like me? All I could do was shake my head. I again wondered if there was really any reason to sit down and talk with her?

Teri and I talked for awhile longer. Mostly about divorce laws in our state. It really wasn't that complicated in a "No Fault" state. It was pretty much a 50-50 split of all assets. Teri did say I might want to look into a "legal separation" if I wasn't sure about divorcing Debbie. I told her I would look into it, but didn't think it mattered really. Teri also told me that while my wife couldn't stop a divorce, she could really drag it out. That caught my attention and decided to seek legal advice as soon as possible. Teri said she would send me some recommendations for lawyers the next day.

My conversation with Sydney was pretty much me trying to console her as she couldn't stop crying! Her focus was for me to let Debbie come home. I reminded her that I didn't send her away! She could come home anytime she wanted. The house was as much hers as mine! I did ask her a couple of pointed questions.

"Sydney has your mother been going out on dates since my hospital stay?" While I already knew the answer I wanted confirmation. Sydney just nodded her head and kept on crying. "How often Syd?"

Thru her tears she choked out, "just about every night Dad! I tried talking to her about it. I told her she was cheating on you and she said she wasn't because she wasn't sleeping with any of them and besides she had told you what she was going to do."

All I could do was shake my head in disbelief.

Before Sydney left I called her mother and told her that I was feeling better and that she could certainly return to her home anytime she wanted. I emphasized though that I thought she should do it soon because Sydney was going to have a nervous breakdown if she didn't leave her house. I hung up the phone while she was saying something, but I didn't really care what she had to say.

I was prepared for our meeting. Sydney had told me my wife would be home at 1:00 PM the next day so I had spent the rest of the day preparing my notes. When you go into battle it is essential to have a good plan, thoroughly vetted, and practiced. And, I was ready for combat! Of course the other part of that is that when the first shot is fired, the plan goes out the window, and that is just what happened to me!

When Debbie came home for our meeting she didn't just walk in the front door, she stormed through it and screamed, "Where are you!" My eyes were already wide as she saw me sitting at the table with my notes spread neatly before me. Without waiting for any comment from me, breathing fire she continued her tirade, "There is not going to be any damn divorce!"

As I previously mentioned my wife was a school teacher and history was her favorite subject. She was particularly knowledgeable of the American Civil War period. It was obvious to me that she had employed Colonel Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain of the US 20th Maine's strategy at Little Round Top on the second day of battle at Gettysburg. Circumstances had placed Chamberlain's 20^th Maine on the extreme left flank of the Union Army and was the only regiment standing between Lee's Confederate Army and Washington D.C. The fighting was fierce and Chamberlain's men were exhausted and nearly out of ammunition. Their casualties were extremely high and all seemed lost. Then Chamberlain, a rather nondescript college professor of rhetoric in civilian life did the one thing no one anticipated. He ordered what troops he had remaining to charge! They did, and essentially the Union was saved.

Well, that is exactly what my wife did to me. She charged when she should have been on the defensive and I was completely overwhelmed.

The next thing I knew I was on our bed and lying on my back naked and Debbie was thrusting up and down on my cock with her hands on my chest still screaming something barely intelligible about there being no divorce and we loved each other and would be together forever. Her breasts were bouncing to and fro shaking wildly making me unable to focus. My thought was that she was trying to finish the job she started weeks ago when she gave me my heart attack!

Much later after having completely wrung me out, she began to get dressed and said she would be back tomorrow with her stuff from Sydney's house and that we would get on with our lives.

As she was walking out the door of our bedroom I quietly said, "Debbie thank you for calling the paramedics."

She nodded and in an exasperated tone, "It's because I love you dummy and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, now get some rest because we have to make up for lost time!" and she headed out the door.

"Debbie, there's one more thing." I managed to say with as much authority as I could muster. "The first time you have sex with someone else, our marriage will be over!"

In a huff she spat out, "That'll be the day!" Apparently she was a John Wayne aficionado too?

For a month or two our lives did return to normal, although it was a "new normal" because she was still going out. We never said one more word to each other about my threat of divorce. She never really told me that she was going on a date, but once or twice a week she just said she was going out and would be home late. On these nights she would usually get home sometime around midnight. She never smelled of sex although she sometimes looked a bit disheveled. She would shower, get into bed and then proceed to resume her efforts to kill me with sex. I just went with it and figured if I had to die, this was a great way to go. I knew she hadn't had sex with anyone yet because, well just because I knew.

Then one night she got home even later than usual, it was after 1:00 AM. I was sitting up in bed reading. I could never sleep when she was out. It wasn't that I was worried about her, I was just waiting for the inevitable. I heard the garage door go up as she pulled her car in. Her CFM heels clicked across the tile floor in the kitchen and the stairs creaked as she walked up. When she came into the bedroom we made eye contact, and I just knew.

It was obvious that she knew that I knew. She broke eye contact with me and headed into the master bathroom as she spoke, "This doesn't mean anything at all. It is outside of us and will be over in a few months. There is no need for further discussion!" And she closed the door behind her.

When I heard the shower go on, I got up and went into the guest room. Not only did I lock the door I pushed the dresser in front of it! I wasn't going to make the mistake I made at Little Round Top again! Somehow I knew though she wouldn't come after me. It wasn't like her. In her mind, when I got over my little snit, things would go on. And, I was right, I never heard a peep out of her the rest of the night. For my part, I didn't sleep at all. There were tears in my eyes mourning the death of my marriage as my thoughts turned to planning.

For the next few weeks we were more like roommates than a married couple. We were polite with each other but simply did our day to day chores and duties. I know she went out a few more times, but I didn't know what she did. I had completely moved into the guest room and in fact was usually asleep when she got home. Yes, I really was asleep. I found that as my plans advanced, I became more relaxed and confident that I had chosen the right path.

I never went through a hand wringing woe is me period. Wondering what I could have done better. I didn't chastise myself for not being a more attentive husband. I refuse to apologize or accept responsibility for not being aware of every emotion my wife might be experiencing. In my mind a marriage is a covenant. She broke the contract, not me. She never discussed any issues or disappointments with me. She just told me what she was going to do.

The funny thing is though, that part of me understood why she wanted to experience more. It's a natural human emotion. She just never gave us a chance to figure out alternatives. She had made a unilateral decision that effectively finished us. End of story.

I also understood why she made her decision unilaterally. In the western world almost 100% of marriages are in some respects female dominated. Ours was no exception. I suppose if I could find any fault in this mess is that I was too accommodating? But, there was nothing in our 50 plus years of being together that should have sent the message to her that I would accept her behavior. I let her make most decisions about our domestic life because it made her happy and it was more important to her.

In fact, before we got married we had long talks about our expectations of fidelity. There was no gray area and certainly no "Hall passes." I was never close to being unfaithful. I never even did anything that would not pass the "Spouse Test" and I expected the same from Debbie. She did this to us, not me.

A couple of weeks after Debbie was unfaithful for the first time I was ready for her. One night when she went out, I sat at our kitchen table where we had most of our family meetings and waited for her to return.

When she came home I said quietly, "Debbie, we have to talk."

"Not now" she said dismissively, "I need to take a shower and get some sleep. We can talk in the morning."

"No! I responded with an authority that she hadn't heard from me before. "We are going to talk right now! Sit down, please!"

She was obviously exasperated with me and sat with a huff into her chair across from mine. Her nervousness was obvious and probably due to the fact her lover's smell was all over her, but I didn't care.

I pushed a manila envelop across the table to her and stated clearly, "These are divorce papers. I have filed under irreconcilable differences." At this point she started to say something and I put my hand up in front of her face.

"No! Just sit there. Several months ago you told me to sit and listen to you without interrupting and I expect you to do the same until I am finished!" She leaned back, rolled her eyes, crossed her arms over her chest and stared at me.

I continued, these papers explain everything. My lawyer's card is in the envelope. You can sign and return them to his office. If you don't do this within 3 days I will have no choice but to have you served at your workplace. I don't want to embarrass you publicly, but frankly it wouldn't bother me to do that in the place where most of your lovers are! Don't worry. I haven't had you followed. I don't have photos, audio, or video of your infidelities. None of that matters to me."

I continued, "It's really simple. In a no fault state everything is split down the middle. Our children are grown and out on their own, the house is paid for. We pay off our joint credit card debt and we move on."

"Are you finished?" She asked in her most condescending tone. I simply nodded my head. As she stood up she stated, "Good, we are not getting a divorce! I am tired and I'm going to bed. Good night!"

The next morning she wanted to talk. Interestingly, she made a nice breakfast for us, the first time in quite a while. She actually appeared to be quite cheerful as she puttered around the kitchen. When breakfast was ready, and I had picked my jaw up off the floor, she calmly sat down and indicated that I do the same with her hand. This was getting surreal. I didn't sit, I told her I would eat out and walked out the door. What she didn't know was that I was headed to the apartment I had rented near work and that I had no intention of ever setting foot in this house again except to remove my things when the divorce was finalized. I thought I heard her softly crying as I got into my car but couldn't be sure. I had no intention of talking any further at this point, my direction was clear. She never initiated contact with me unless it was through her lawyer and I did the same.

She didn't sign the papers of course, so I had her formally served at work as I had said. She got her own attorney and proceeded to do everything she could to derail the divorce process. No amount of pleading from me or our daughters made any impact on her actions.

But in the end there was nothing she could do to stop the divorce, so six months later we were finally sitting in family court with our respective lawyers.

Honestly I wasn't really paying attention to much of what was being said. I just wanted it to be over. My lawyer had told me that this was the only formal proceeding I had to be present for, and I was grateful. But, when the judge addressed my wife directly I sat up and focused my attention.

"Mrs. Johnson, why do you not want me to grant this divorce petition as it is written. It all seems a fair disposition of assets."

My wife replied as she stood to address the judge dressed like she was going to church, "Your honor, several months ago I made a terrible decision that ruined our 41 year marriage. At the time I was going through menopause and not thinking clearly. I was feeling old and unattractive. Some younger men at work had been flirting with me and showering me with praise and attention. I sadly and ridiculously thought that my husband would understand and let me have a few months of harmless flings."

I was dumbfounded as she continued, "He knew I was seeing other men for many months so I assumed he was ok with it. I know now that I was wrong. I stopped seeing anyone when he hit me with divorce papers. In fact I have been seeing a therapist several times a week and she has helped me see how wrong what I was doing was. I know I can't stop him if he insists on getting divorced, but I was hoping that you could order couples counseling for us to try to put our marriage back together. We have been together for over 50 years and it seems to me that the least my husband could do is agree to go through therapy together before giving up on our marriage. As Debbie was sitting down she looked over at me with a sly smirk on her face.