All Comments on 'Mysterious Ways'

DELETE "NIGGER-LIPPED !!!!!! I don't care if it *is* in Urban Dictionary. You lost me right there -- I got the hell out of your story. I didn't log in to give it a bad rating, though, since I didn't read it. God, I wanted to....

Your prose, up until Robin fell asleep and dreamed of centaurs, was sumptuous and truly literary. Once you started describing them having sex it unfortunately became predictable, as if you were just writing erotica for the sake of it. Given the promise of your beginning, you could do much better in developing Robin and Bruce's characters and give us a truly memorable story.

I thought about it and there's no substitute for 'nigger-lip' to describe the rapid consumption of a cigarette. Its a powerful image, and that's the idea when it comes to word pictures.

Tough one to avoid getting some negative press about, that term 'niggerlip'. It was a bit unexpected, in relation to the rest of your prose. I mean, okay to find it in something like, say, a Bukowski poem.... It wouldn't stick out so much there. A poem needs one word or a tight, short phrase to express something. And so maybe this particular word, in a story, requires a bit of context so it doesn't shout out so much and distract a bit unnecessarily from the rest of your prose. Live and learn? I'm thinking a bit deeply now, but here's a thought.... I read the rest of your story and really like it. So perhaps there's a parallel in the use of that possibly offensive word, to the turn of events in your story as a whole which have the potential to be ... anything but the outcome of a fairy-tale. Wow how I wish that could happen to me. Perhaps the sex in this story, despite it being nice and kind of rough; and perhaps the turn of events themselves, are too 'nice' to merit the word used early on. Doesn't match up. So there may be a more artful description that could bring up an even more poignant visual for those smokers; and maybe the whole point is that the visual you make at the point you describe smokers in the rain, should in fact be emphasized even more. Take out the phrase and insert even more effluvial, odiferous, noxious, saliva-covered, spittle leakage on the smokers' lips and cigarettes. Then, maybe use some even more odiferous, noxious, saliva-covered description in your sex scenes. You might then put a fascinating parallel focii on the two aspects in your story. The saliva from nigger-lipping a cigarette, and the saliva and fluids (icy, viscous, et al.) in your great sex scene.

Little girl lost in forest meets prince in disguise, in present day, and it works beautifully! Descriptions throughout are vivid – and make it a more developed story. I especially liked the dream scene.