Needing Leah Ch. 10

The Story so far.

18-year-old Liam Weber has been sent by his parents to Bryner academy, the only private school that accepted him on a scholarship. Only, when he arrived, he discovered it was a school for girls and that his name had been listed as Leah. With the help of his domineering roommate Ellie, he is forced to become Leah and hide his identity for as long as it takes until he can get himself transferred. Last chapter, a punishment went too far. Reminded of her experience with Anna, Leah is was pushed to the point of using their safe word. Now she remains on the cusp of revealing the truth to Ellie...

10: Hope

I'd never cried so hard in my life as I did then. I kept trying to speak, but nothing would come. No words. Nothing but tears and sobs to the point I didn't know if I'd ever stop. My head was aching and I felt dizzy. My nose running. Eyes red. She held me tight. I just wanted to speak, but I could not stop crying.

"Baby, you're ok. You're ok, I'm here. I've got you."

My legs and arms were still bound. I wanted to tell her to untie me. My head sat over her shoulder as I shook and wept and felt like being sick.

"I'm here. I'm here, you're ok."

"W-w-why can't I-I...wh-why can't..."

"I'm here, I've got you."

"Wh-why..." I couldn't manage it. I felt like screaming at myself to stop crying, to get a grip, but I couldn't even do that. I wanted to hit myself. With my body restrained, I could do no more than butt my head against her shoulder. That seemed to remind her I was still bound.

"Oh my God, Leah." She untied me at once, then held me as I flung myself into her arms.

"I'll look after you, Leah. I'm sorry, was it me? You're ok now."

"Wh-why...why can't I-I s-s-sp...can't I...s-speak?"

"It doesn't matter. Cry as much as you need."

"I d-don't want t-to, t-to c-cry."

"I know. I know but it's ok. You're safe."

She enveloped me in her arms. I could sense she was crying too, though not half as much.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"N-no-not you...A-An...Anna."

"Anna? What do you mean, Anna?"

My crying picked up again. She moved an arm from round my back to reach across for the tissue box. She pulled one out and began dabbing my eyes for me.

"A-Anna." She cupped a second tissue over my nose. I blew, and felt as though half the weight in my head left me.

"What do you mean Anna?" She asked again, trying not to sound worried. Even were I able to speak properly, I didn't know what I could say. I didn't know how to tell her.

"The ch-changing room. Y-y-you were g-getting your, your, s-sports-s clothes-s-s."

"Oh God." She sounded terrified. "God, I knew something had happened. I knew something was wrong when I came back."

"Y-you, you we-weren't there for m-me."

"Oh God, Leah. Oh God, oh God." Suddenly, her voice wasn't her own. It was strained and inhuman. The terror in it shook me. Suddenly, I was angry again.

"You said you'd look after me! You fucking said!"

"Oh God." She said it again and again. I tried hitting her, but she pulled the hug even closer. I swung my arms around against her back. She was crying more than I was now.

"What did she do? Leah, what did Anna do?"

I felt sick even having to say it. "She tied me down. She punched m-me...in the stomach."

"Oh God. Oh God."

"She took off her clothes and made me, m-ade me...l-lick..."

"Her vagina...Oh God, Leah." She pulled out of the hug to look at me, her red eyes wide with terror. "Oh god. And now I just put you through the same..."

"N-no, not there...it was her...her..."

I didn't need to say it. She understood. She understood and suddenly, it was real. Neither of us said anything for the long stretch of time that passed. She just hugged and cried. Then she was sick, which seemed to make her cry even more.

Time passed. Too much time. She composed herself quicker than me and, when we could talk, we talked. I was scrunched up tight on my bed with my back against the corner. She had wrapped me up in my duvet. She was sat beside me, an arm hugged round my head with her fingers running through my hair. We were both too dizzy and ill to cry anymore. We both spoke in barren voices that had been stripped of all energy.

"We have to report it." She said.

"No."

"We have to."

"But it'll just make things worse. She'll do it again."

"Leah, you've been raped."

That word made my stomach tighten. "No." Had I been? There hadn't been any penetration. It was all oral. It wasn't...that word. It was something bad, but...surely not that?

"She did it because you threatened to shove her head up her arse. She said making me do...that it was closest thing. If you hadn't threatened them, it wouldn't have happened."

"Don't say that." Ellie's voice was as feeble as I'd ever heard it. "I should've been there but, please...don't say fighting made it worse. It wasn't us, Leah. We didn't make this happen, it was all Anna. It's not my fault and it's not yours."

I closed my eyes. "I keep wondering what would've happened if I'd just apologised to her, or maybe if I'd tried to be nice. Maybe she would've left me alone, then?"

"No. Leah, no. You're the victim."

"I don't want to be a victim. It makes me weak." I said with a shudder. "I've never been the strongest man, I know that but...but this is different." Suddenly I felt worried what Ellie would feel. "They just took me by surprise. I didn't want to fight them at all, at first. I gave them the advantage and then...well I slipped. The floor was wet. If I hadn't slipped and hit my head, I would've..."

"No." Ellie said again, trying to comfort me. "No, you can't start thinking it's your fault."

"Liam wouldn't have let this happen."

"Liam didn't let it happen." She stressed. She took my face in her hands and tried to speak firmly. "You didn't allow it at all. We all like to think we could fight off attackers, be heroic. If someone was really determined enough, they'd find a way regardless."

I wasn't sure if that made me feel better or worse. I shuddered again. "I'm supposed to be a man. Sometimes being Leah helps me forget how humiliating it all is, if I can just pretend I'm actually a girl you know? I can almost kid myself at times...then I remember. I never felt weak until I became Leah. I never felt shy, never had panic attacks. I would never have let Anna do that."

"Baby, come here." She unwrapped the duvet enough to climb in herself beside me. Her warm body was pressed against mine. I needed to feel warm and safe. "I'm going to say this again. I'm going to say it as many times as you need to hear it, ok? You did not let this happen. This was not you. It's got nothing to do with weakness or submission or anything. Anna is a monster. That's all. She's a monster and monsters can hurt even the strongest of people."

"Then why do I feel so pathetic?"

"What someone feels and what is actually true, are two different things. Liam, of course you have panic attacks. You're stuck in a situation where you have to completely hide your entire identity from everybody except me, for fear of police arrest and a publicly humiliating situation. That's not weakness, who's anxiety wouldn't spike through the roof? We said this before, remember? I'm glad if being Leah can make it feel easier in moments. I always hoped the fun of our games would distract you from the...difficulty."

"It does distract me, most of the time." I put in. "I do enjoy it."

"Yeah, but I can't keep you aroused 24/7, can I? Arousal would be a terrible coping mechanism. I said before, whenever you need to be Liam, you can be. Don't hold back just because I find you cute like this, ok? I find the boy cute, too."

I didn't quite know what to say. Emotion seemed to return to my voice, then. Faint tears followed. "D-don't let go of me."

"No, I've got you." She held me tight.

It took me a while to compose myself again. When I did, I took her up on her offer. I removed my silicone breasts, dressed in ordinary pyjamas, and tried to feel a little less pathetic. It didn't stop me feeling so hopeless about the situation, though.

"If I report it...if I'm not believed. And, and I'm already getting a name for myself, here. I'm sure people look on me as that shy, panic attack girl who got to skip a swimming lesson. People will hate me even more. Jojo will hate me even more. And if I'm not believed and Anna isn't expelled, she might do it again. She might it do it in revenge for me reporting her."

"She'll be more than expelled." Ellie said with gritted teeth. "I want her arrested! I don't think I can bear to even look at Jojo in class tomorrow. People will believe you because it's the truth."

"But there's no evidence!"

"There is. Your statement matters. Plus, it's not just you, there's Danielle. You said she was there."

I shook my head. "Only at first. She ran off when she realised what Anna was going to do. I think Danielle just thought she'd tease me a bit."

"That's evidence, then."

"Danielle didn't see it though! She didn't want to get involved."

"It's proof enough. Look, you still haven't met the headmistress yet. You're supposed to have your meeting. We'll go there first thing tomorrow morning. I'm coming with you and we'll skip class if we have to, we're getting this sorted. I promise you'll be ok."

I wanted to believe her. I wanted to trust her promises, but how could I?

"No." I said. "No."

"What do you mean?"

"We can't report it."

"Leah, we have to!"

I rounded on her, then. "If we report it and it gets investigated, or the police come, they'll pretty quickly discover I'm a boy."

"Why would they?"

"They'll check records or something! They'll talk to my parents, I don't know. They'll find out I'm a boy and they'll tell the school and either I or my parents will get in trouble for fraud or whatever this fucking mess is. We can't report it."

"I know it makes you feel humiliated, but...but we..."

"We can't report it." I repeated, my voice steely, my face hardened. "We have no choice. Anna and Jojo fucking win. We have to put up with it."

"They can't win!"

I stormed away, then stopped at the bathroom door. "If you want to protect me, the best thing you can do is keep that a secret. You can't let anyone know what happened to me. When you see Jojo in class, you can't do anything. You can't even get angry. You promise me that?"

She didn't want to promise it. She wanted to argue with me. She saw my eyes, however, she saw the anger.

"I...I promise."

That was it then. We wouldn't report it. We would keep it secret. As far as I felt, Anna and Jojo had won. I believed it. It would be a long journey before I even began to believe otherwise.

That night I slept in Ellie's bed. In Ellie's arms. I had cuddled her at first, hoping it would make me feel less weak. Somehow, it had reversed in my sleep. I was awoken by her tightly squeezing me round my waist and kissing the back of my head.

"You're going to be brave today, baby." She said.

I didn't want to be brave. I wanted to stay in bed. Opening up to Ellie had given me relief, at first. Gradually the relief had been replaced with shame. It all felt twice as real now and, worse than that: I wondered again if I was a burden to Ellie? Whilst she showered, I tried to collect my thoughts. You have been pathetic, Liam. You have. With all of the sheer vulnerability that being Leah had forced me to show, I felt as though I'd lose touch with anything else. I should be able to look after myself, yet there I was, burdening Ellie with my anxiety, then my...horror. I couldn't even fucking make her cum, when she wanted me to. Somehow that felt the worst bit. The one chance I'd been given to pleasure her, and somehow, even just the mere reminder of Anna had broken me.

When she emerged from the shower, she looked relieved to see I was out of bed. Not pleased, just relieved. She pitied me, I realised. Pity. That was the opposite of attraction. I had to be better than this. She was right, I needed to be brave. I needed to be stronger, less vulnerable and useless. I thought on it all as I showered, becoming more and more angered with myself until I resolved to talk with Ellie when I emerged.

"This doesn't change things between us, does it?"

"What do you mean, Leah?"

"I mean...you're still gonna play with me? I'm alright. I'm not gonna keep bursting into tears. That was just...just..."

I couldn't see her expression from where I was sitting. We had rotated her desk chair towards the mirror that hung beside the wardrobe. The way it was angled hid her reflection.

"Yes, I'm going to keep playing with you. You shouldn't beat yourself up, ok? You deserve support right now. That might mean being Liam. It might mean attention. Sometimes attention might mean teasing. We'll go with what feels right for you in the moment, ok?"

I squirmed a little in my seat. Sex wasn't support. It was supposed to be because she wanted to do it, not to make me feel better. In fact, sometimes our play had been about the very opposite of supporting me. That had been good, though. I was her girl, not her patient in a care-home. She whisked us out of the door towards the canteen, before I could take the conversation any further. Another day of classes loomed.

I had another panic attack. I don't know what set it off. Perhaps it was because I had both chemistry and physics with Miss Daphne. She demanded silence in her classes and, true to the rumours, she kept a cane behind her desk that she would tap against the whiteboard. Danielle didn't help either. The seating plan had her placed on the desk to my right. I kept feeling her eyes staring at me, only to glance away again whenever I looked back. I spent the time looking forward to lunch, hoping I'd find a chance to speak to Ellie. Unfortunately, she had other ideas. I let her drag me up three flights of stairs in the main building to find the Head Mistress's office.

"Leah Weber, is that correct?" She asked in her patient, Scottish voice. Mrs. McIntyre was a buxom lady in her forties, smelling strongly of perfume with dark brown hair tied into a bun. She wore thick glasses and a black dress with a pencil skirt, underneath a vibrant yellow jacket. I was hoping she'd be too busy for a meeting. She beckoned me to her office, and I came with my head low, feeling like I was in trouble. Ellie went to move with me.

"I'd like to come too, Miss." She said.

"Miss Brooks? Does Miss Weber need a translator?"

"No but..."

"Then I think your presence would discredit the term one-to-one meeting. Off you go."

I was glad Ellie didn't join me. Without her, I hoped to get the meeting over with as quickly and uneventfully as possible. There was no way I would say anything at all about Anna. Mrs. McIntyre led me inside and seated herself at a large leather chair. She gestured for me to sit opposite.

"I can forgive you for taking so long to visit me, Weber. I am aware you only arrived on Sunday. However, I do prefer students to refrain from bringing a friend along."

"I didn't ask her to, Miss. She just worries about me."

"Worries?" That made her sit forwards and made me regret my choice of words. "Why should she worry about you?"

"N-no reason."

She made no response. She held a firm but not unkind stare, expecting me to elaborate.

"She erm...I had a panic attack...and she worries."

"I see. Do you struggle with anxiety?"

I shook my head. I was fiddling with my hands as we talked. They were going sweaty. I was a boy disguised as a girl, talking to the very person who'd put me in the most trouble if she found out. "I...I don't think I do." I lied.

"I'm going to suggest you visit the school counselling service. I won't force you because I like my girls to show initiative. Do you think that could help?"

Counselling. What could I even talk about? All of the things that were troubling me were things I couldn't risk revealing.

"It is Weber, is it? I am pronouncing that correctly?"

"The W is a V, miss. I don't mind the English pronunciation, though."

"Or you don't like to complain because I'm headmistress, Veber. Have you joined any clubs?"

I shook my head.

"Will you?" When I hesitated to answer, she added. "They would be the best way to settle you in at Bryner. There's a wide variety to choose from. I seem to remember Miss Brooks expressed an interest in several."

"She did?" I asked. Ellie had never mentioned it.

"I'd have to check my notes to say which ones precisely. I do remember she asked if we had a boxing club, however. Curious girl. I imagine she's very protective of you?"

"She is, Miss."

"Someone of your sort should be careful around protective types. You don't want to become dependent on that protection. Sometimes our defences become a cage, Veber."

I nodded. I found myself nodding a lot in her presence. I didn't like the way she had said someone of your sort. It reminded me of what Ellie had told me before: shyness and anxiety are not personality traits.

"If you haven't already, I suggest you look at the club list. We are not averse to sanctioning new clubs. Just yesterday I had a group see me with plans for a cheerleading team. Far too American for my liking but who am I to deny them?"

I didn't know what to say to that. Despite my nerves, I found myself wanting to press the point. "Excuse me, Miss. Erm. Can I ask...what do you mean someone of my sort?"

Her smile now was an approving one. "Very good question, Veber. It's not a phrase I should've used. No one should be categorising you when the purpose of school is for you to figure out who you are."

"Yes, Miss." She looked pleased that I had asked a question. I took as a sign to ask another. "What's the Bryner club, Miss?"

"Now that is bold, Veber." She scrutinised me with a stare. "You've arrived on scholarship, correct? Your family isn't the sort to afford large donations."

"No, Miss."

"Then I shouldn't suspect the Bryner club is something you'll be invited to join. Supposedly it's a club for the elites. What they do remains secret even to me, for which I assume it to be horrible, Lord-Of-The-Flies business in there. I'd suggest you quell your interest."

"Yes, Miss."

"I mean that, Veber. I would shut the club down, had I the power to overrule the governing board. I urge you to steer well clear."

The meeting ran past the end of lunch. She asked about my aspirations, to which I honestly admitted I hadn't figured them out yet. She suggested that was either very wayward or very wise. She asked who my friends were, to which I could only offer Ellie and Kiara. She asked about my interests. Again, she pressed the point about counselling. She said she wouldn't force me...but I wondered if that would change, when I failed to seek it out? Likewise, with the emphasis she put on clubs, unnerved me. I'd have to find a club Ellie wanted to do. I had a sudden vision of Ellie taking me to Jess' photography club, just to watch me squirm against Jess' advances. I didn't know what would be worse, that or cheerleading. Perhaps I wouldn't have to do any of it? With everything that had happened, it was easy to forget I was set to meet with my dad on Saturday. Two days away, now. As scary as it was to imagine that conversation, it might end with the chance to be transferred. I would have to plan that conversation carefully. I supposed I would spend as much free time as I could tomorrow to think it through in advance. As I tried to contemplate it even now, Mrs McIntyre caught me off-guard.

"I hope I didn't mislead you earlier, Veber. I did know of your panic attack. Miss Anderton informed me. Miss Roach also mentioned that you're very body conscious. What is it about your body that displeases you?"