Needing Leah Ch. 10

"Oh. Erm..." how could I answer that? I tried to think of an excuse. I couldn't. "I'd rather not say, Miss."

"Then, for what it's worth, I would say you have a cute face and fine figure. I think your scholarship to Bryner saved a lot of boys a lot of terrible neckaches from all the times they would've turned their heads in your direction. It's just as well you're at a girl's school."

It was meant to give me confidence in myself. I don't think she could've expected just how unsettling I found the thought. I decided I wouldn't tell Ellie. She'd probably find it hilarious.

We studied for a while with Kiara in the library that evening, until Kiara saw her friend Thalia and disappeared. We studied more in the dorm room, though I struggled to focus on much. I still wanted to talk with Ellie. I felt as anxious as I did eager to start that conversation, and I had the impression she felt the same. There was a faint nervousness in the air, for which I decided to ease into the topic of gradually.

"Mrs. McIntyre said you were interested in joining a lot of clubs?"

Ellie sat up stiffly on her desk chair. "She talked to you about me? What did she say?"

"Just that." Was there something more she should've said?

"Oh. Well, yeah." Ellie began. "I was thinking about it, but that was before you came along, honey." She reached over to pat my hand.

"I don't want to stop you joining clubs for my sake. You shouldn't hold back because of me."

"Nonsense."

"I'm not a toddler or anything. I don't want to be a burden."

"You're not a burden, Leah. If you ever displease me, you'll know. I make punishment very clear."

Leah. I wasn't sure I wanted to be Leah for this conversation. Then again, I was still in my girl's uniform, wearing my breasts. It was a conversation that would be about Leah, as well.

"What clubs were you thinking of joining?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Boxing, mostly. I asked if I could start a club for it but apparently it's not an appropriate activity for girls. I told her that was stupid, and I think she kind of agreed with me. I guess she just doesn't want the earache of what parents would say."

"What other clubs?"

"Running. Swimming...I think I'll give swimming a miss..." Her face dropped as she said that. She stared down at her desk. Her red hair falling forwards enough to cover my view of her face. "I could barely look at Jojo in my class today. I felt like smacking her."

"You won't, though?"

"No, of course I won't, Leah. I'm not thick!" Her fist was clenched.

"I didn't like Danielle in my class, either."

"It's just so fucking unfair. As if you don't have enough to cope with already! I wish I could set it right for you, but I can't. I wish I could..." she couldn't find a way to finish her sentence. She settled for slamming her fist against the desk.

"I don't want you to set it right. I can look after myself."

"So, we just lay down and let them do whatever they want?"

"Forget it." I said, rising to my feet. Suddenly I didn't want the conversation at all. She looked confused.

"Leah?"

"I'm the one it happened to! Not you! Stop talking like you're the one who needs revenge!" I stormed passed her.

"Leah, I didn't mean that!"

I reached for the door, pulling it open. She was on her feet now, behind me. I stepped through.

"Leah, you come back right now!"

I froze. That tone of voice. That warning.

"You come back, or I swear you'll regret it."

I was supposed to be angry with her. Suddenly, I felt myself hardening. Was that all it took? Was I that simple? I glanced back. She was glaring, arms folded.

"If you've got something to say, you say it. You don't walk off. Do you have something to say?"

I did. I clenched my jaw, however. I didn't want to speak.

"I asked you a question, Leah."

"Fine!" I re-entered the room, slamming the door shut. "Do you want me?" I asked.

"What?"

"Do you actually fucking want me? You get off on the power trip, I'm sure of that now, but me? You never fucking say!"

"I have said." She shot back. She was both shocked and angered. "What do you want, me to write you a poem?"

"Only once have you ever cum, and that was behind the bathroom door where I couldn't see."

"What are you getting at?" She asked. I wasn't sure. This wasn't quite the conversation I had aimed for. My anger was taking over. I tried again.

"I'm fed up of being so fucking useless. I've never been like that. I won't be! You're not my carer, ok? I want you to want me, I want to...I dunno...I wanted to make you cum, at the very least!"

She undid the tie around her neck, taking the moment to try and process what I was saying. "THAT'S what's bothering you, that you didn't make me cum?"

"Do you actually want me or just any old object to tease and punish?"

"Well now, I'm confused." She snapped. "Are you accusing me of being your carer or your tormentor? Why can't I be both?"

"Just answer the question. Do you want me?"

"Yes, you!" She threw her tie down.

"Really?"

"For fuck sake, yes! Yes, I..." she stopped, just short of the words want you. There was something more she wanted to say. She stopped, glaring at me a moment. I was standing there, still fuming. Something about it seemed to make her change her mind, as she let out an impatient groan.

"I...I'm having a shower. We'll talk properly when you're calmer, ok?" The bathroom door closed behind her. I stood a moment, stunned.

What the fuck? She tells me off for walking away, then does it herself?

I didn't know whether I wanted to storm out or what. Why was she always so confusing? Why couldn't she just talk openly? I'd spent the last several days more vulnerable and humiliated than I'd ever been, and she couldn't handle even expressing feelings? I could hear the shower water running. My rage got the better of me and I found myself pulling open the bathroom door. She was naked. She was stunned. Immediately, she turned away, hiding her body. I could see her bare arse, large and firm. Her smooth skin. The way her red, wet hair stuck to her back.

"What the fuck are you doing?" She called over her shoulder. It made me freeze up. What was I doing?

"I..." I realised then I was fully erect now. I was done with being useless, pathetic, weak. I wanted to be worth something. "I'm going to make you cum."

"Did I say you could?"

Steam was filling the room. The showerhead hung from the ceiling in the far corner. With the floor fully tiled, with no curtain or door, there was more than enough space for me to advance. Warm water fell against my blouse, ran down my skirt. She was still keeping her back to me. "I'm going to make you cum." I said again.

"You beg for that privilege." She wasn't saying no, I supposed. Was she against it, or did she just want me to beg first? I moved a little nearer, trying to gauge her reaction. Why couldn't I be the one in control for once? I grabbed at her cheeks with both hands. She made a small shudder but didn't resist. I squeezed them.

"Beg!" she repeated. I ignored her. I kissed the back of her neck, her shoulder. She pressed both her hands against the two corner walls.

"You are not allowed to see the rest of me, understood?" She demanded. "One tiny peek and I will never let you cum again!"

That was now an invitation to continue. I grabbed her round the waist and drew her close. My penis pressed against her cheeks through my panties, my skirt. She stifled a soft moan.

"That cock of yours stays exactly where it is." Again I ignored her. I went to remove my skirt. This time, her hand grabbed at my wrist, stopping me. "Leah..." she warned.

"Do you want me?"

"I want you to hurry the fuck up!" she snapped. "What happened before wasn't your fault but it changes nothing between us. You're my girl and you'll pleasure me any way I bloody well choose."

I let out a small laugh. Even now, even here she couldn't just say it outright: I want you. It was close enough. I slid a hand down her cheeks, round towards the front. She moaned as my fingers rubbed against her pussy. This was all new to me. I began gently rubbing up and down. She reacted more when I went slow, then even more when I started teasing. I let my fingers run either side of the lips. She had leaned herself outwards slightly to make it easier. I was trying to remember what I had seen from porn. Take your time before entering. I began rubbing at what I hoped was the clit in a circular movement. It made her moan her loudest yet, so I continued. Her hand grabbed my wrist and moved my fingers upwards slightly, then she was moaning more.

"That's good. That's...my good girl."

"I'm Liam." I corrected her. "Are you gonna cum?"

"Not yet, keep...keep..." she moaned again. I tried picking up the speed, then slowing once more. She liked it. She liked it.

"Close your eyes." She said, taking me by surprise. "Close them!"

I did as she said. I felt her turning around, then loosening my tie and unbuttoning the blouse. I wanted to peek. I could only imagine how perfect she would look. I knew she would be angry, though. Warm water fell against my breastplate, making a loud patter. I might've asked her to remove it, were I not so keen to touch her more. The blouse was taken off then wrapped around my head. She was blindfolding me, I realised. She tied it twice, folded well enough that I couldn't see through it when I opened my eyes. She pulled on the front of my tie, like a leash to draw me in. "Keep going" she said. I began again, rubbing the clit. She was moaning into my ear. She had locked my head against her breasts, holding me there in something almost like a hug. I tried entering her. Two fingers. She was warm. Wet. Not the water, it felt different to that. It spurred me on and I began trying to do the best I could, in and out. I found I could go less gently than I thought. She liked that better. My palm clapped against her as I moved. She was contracting, panting. Suddenly, she felt so tight it was hard to move my fingers at all, and then...

"Fuck! Yeah, agh fuck!" she was cumming. I went to withdraw my hand but she wanted me to continue.

"You'll stop when I tell you to!"

I went again. Once more she came. This time, I withdrew my hand before she could stop me. "Let me fuck you."

"No!"

"Do you like to pretend that I'm not..."

"No." She said quickly. "It's not that. This isn't the time."

"Let me use my mouth, then."

"You...are, are you sure?"

"Please! I want to." It would be ok, I knew it would. This felt different. I wasn't bound. I wasn't lying on the floor. I was choosing it. I had control. She pulled on the tie until I was kneeling on the tiles. Falling water was starting to loosen my blind fold. She tightened it, then pressed herself into my mouth. It tasted strange but not unpleasant. I hadn't paid attention to the taste last time. I took things slower. I felt less eager, less desperate to make her cum than before. I wanted to enjoy it more. I teased. I tried a variety of different movements. I tongued and sucked and kissed. Not all of them working effectively but soon, she was on the edge again. She had grabbed my head with both hands and was pushing me deep. For a moment, I couldn't breathe properly but I didn't mind. It felt good. I wanted to please her.

"Fuck I...fuck! Good girl - I mean Liam, I mean - FUuCK!" She was cumming. She shook against me. I continued a moment more. Slower, now. A satisfied laugh followed, as she drew away. She was finished.

"Make me cum, too." I asked. I begged. "Please, I want to cum."

For a moment, I thought she was going to let me. Her hand slipped down my wet skirt and was rubbing at my panties. I was still kneeling, the leash pulling at my neck. She dipped her hand behind the fabric and wrapped it around my penis. Blindfolded, sprayed with shower water. I remained still, enjoying the feel, moaning a little. She brought me to the edge before stopping. "Sweet baby. You stay there."

I felt the showerhead being angled until it was blasting directly onto me. I remained still. I could hear her behind me now, the other side of the bathroom. Drying then dressing.

"You did well." She said. "You're a virgin, aren't you?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"No, you did well. You made me cum four times."

"Four?" I had only counted three. "Will you let me cum?"

"Stay there while I call my parents. They want to know how I'm finding Bryner, it won't take long. No moving, no taking off the blind fold, understand?"

"Yes, Ellie."

"Good." I heard the bathroom door open then close. I could vaguely hear her voice on the phone but not well enough to make out any words. The sound of the water blocked it. My knees were hurting against the tiles but I remained obedient. I didn't mind. I was just pleased I had finally made her happy.

Eventually she returned, telling me I could come out. I removed the blouse and breasts, then turned off the shower. I dried and changed into my new pyjamas. A white top with incredibly soft, white briefs that were patterned with small cupcakes. She was wearing her grey set of pyjamas. Sitting on her bed, looking satisfied. Even just that made me feel proud.

"Have you got all of that out of your system now?" She said as I sat upon my own bed.

"What do you mean?"

"All this nonsense talk about if I want you or not. You weren't supposed to feel bad about not making me cum that first time. That wasn't your fault. Safety words matter far more than..."

"I know. I just...I don't want you put off from playing with me anymore. I didn't want you to worry it'd happen again. It won't happen again." I tried to promise.

"It might. There's nothing wrong with that, it's ok to feel afraid."

"I'm not afraid." I said, hearing my own defensiveness.

"Overwhelmed, then. If it happens, use a safety word earlier on. Don't try and persevere for my sake. Stop it before it gets to the point where you can't cope, ok? I will never mind. If something is too much, let me know straight away."

If it does, use a safety word earlier. Don't try and force yourself for my sake. Stop it before it gets to the point where you're crying...well, sometimes you seem to like crying during punishment, but that's different. If it feels too much, let me know straight away."

I nodded. She saw my expression and smiled. She came over and sat beside me.

"We're going to get through this, Liam. Together, though. It may have happened to you but you're not on your own. You're going to get angry sometimes, that's fine. I'm gonna get angry too, because I...care about you. But you do not walk away from me. You talk to me when you're angry or upset or need support, understand? Our relationship needs to be doubly strong after what happened."

"Yes. I'm sorry." I said. "You walked away too, though. You went to shower."

"Yeah, well..." she had the grace to look embarrassed. "It's something for us both to work on...I wasn't storming off, though. We were going to resume our conversation, I just..." She didn't seem to have an answer. "You have to let me look after you, ok? Not because I'm your carer or I think you're weak, but because that's what people do."

I nodded. I found myself remembering what Mrs. McIntyre had said: you don't want to become dependent on that protection. It would be a lot easier to let her support me, if I was also allowed to support her sometimes.

"You're not gonna punish me for walking off, right? I didn't actually do it, I only stepped out the door."

"Are you ready to be Leah for a bit?" She asked. That almost certainly meant I would be punished. "You can be Liam whenever you like." She then added. "I think that's a good thing. At the same time, I think Leah is more than just a bit of fun, and more than just a coping mechanism for you."

"What do you mean?" That seemed an odd thing to say.

"I might be wrong, only you will know. Little by little, you've enjoyed Leah more and more, though I think feeling ashamed still holds you back at times. I want you to reach a point where you can really embrace being Leah. I think it could become more meaningful and empowering than you realise. You might even end up needing her."

That was a strange thought. I didn't quite believe it. Needing Leah? Before I could even process what to say, Ellie changed the subject.

"How many times do you think you deserved to be spanked?"

"Zero."

She laughed. "Sweet girl. Try again."

"Will I get to spank you, too?"

She shook her head, amused. "You've never had the right to punish my bad behaviour. You're my girl, not vice versa."

"That's not fair, though."

"That's why it's fun." She grinned. "I'll be kind. I'll make it 20. Be a good girl and get in position."

I was still yet to even survive a single week at Bryner. I couldn't escape the worry that it might get even worse. The thought of meeting with my dad in two days. Equally, I didn't know what would happen with Anna; if I would run into her again, if I would have to attend clubs or counselling or anything at all. Maybe things would get better? Maybe Anna wouldn't win? All I knew for certain was that I had Ellie. She teased me, she cared for me, she wanted me. She had her flaws but, in the moments where it was just us, where I could forget about the rest of the school; things could feel ok. I hadn't fully embraced Leah, she was right. Perhaps I one day would? Perhaps never? With less than a week passing, it was hard to yet figure out what I felt about any of it. It would be a long time before I ever did. In that moment, though just knowing that I had Ellie was enough. That thought gave me some excitement, some very faint hope. I didn't know what the future held, nor what I even thought of the present. Bryner was hell but I was glad to not be alone within it.

End of Volume 1.

10 chapters down. I would roughly estimate another 12-25 to go before we reach the ending I have always envisioned. I personally like a lot of the moments in this chapter, though I also feel it's a little messy in the way it jumps from one thing to another. Perhaps that was me trying very hard to finish volume 1 in a neat ten chapters, rather than eleven? Really, this is a chapter about all of those feelings of weakness, shame, humiliation etc. Feelings that have cropped up a little in the story so far, mostly as feelings Liam doesn't want to think about. Suddenly now having to now discuss what happened with Anna; it all brings those feelings back to the forefront of Liam's mind. It muddles his view of what being Leah means, the relationship with Ellie, panic attacks, Anna, everything. Hopefully it all feels a bit confusing still, it wouldn't work as a story, were Liam to perfectly wrap his head around all of this so early on. Somehow a lot of these emotions get caught up in whether he's a burden, if Ellie likes him, failing to make her cum...in a way that arguably could seem a little minor and ridiculous but I think that's how the human brain tends to be. I don't know, does this work for you in the story?

It was good to finally get a first talk about Anna. There have been a few comments in that past that suggested Leah was "pathetic" for getting assaulted. I passionately disagree with that idea, but I think it's something Liam would feel about himself, especially when there tends to be a stigma against men, there. And also, looking back, I think there are moments where Leah can seem a bit too passive and subdued in the story. I think only a couple of minor tweaks and revealing a little more thought process would resolve that, though. I'm saying that essentially because I've been working on a revised edition of volume 1 that will hopefully just tidy up a little things and make the story flow better. In light of that, any feedback remains very much appreciated.