Never Again

"Mary, tonight when you come back to visit me. Will you do something for me please," John said to me brushing both his teary eyes.

"Yes John, I will do anything for you. What is it my love."

"Mary, in the study desk in the bottom right-hand drawer is an envelope, with my name on it. Will you bring it with you tonight when you come back for visiting time tonight."

"John, I was going to stop all day and talk about the baby we are going to have. You cannot believe it but I am so happy for the both of us. I thought you would be overjoyed with the good news."

"Mary, please do as I have asked you. Bring the envelope with you tonight. Then we will talk?"

He had been pressing his bedside call button and in walked a nurse.

"Nurse I need something my pain is back," John told the nurse.

I never thought he might be in pain. He was hiding it from me as the nurse gave him something that was on his medication list then he settled back down. So I left the hospital.

On my way home. I was troubled the way John had reacted with the news of our baby. Could he be thinking that he was not going to get well. Could he not provide for me and our child? Could he not be a father? Like when I have seen him looking at boys and girls. Could he not read bedtime stories?

Or teach our child how to ride a bike, play football, go fishing and teach him or her how to swim. I will have to stop thinking this way. I could go on forever? Whatever it is I will try and find out tonight where the darn envelope is. What up with me take it in?

On the way back to the hospital. I was re-thinking John must recover. And he would be a great father. As soon as I walked in his room he was sitting up. I had the envelope in my handbag. I was going to sit down and John looked at me. I was not sure what the look meant.

"Mary, have you brought the envelope with you," John said before my backside hit the seat.

I opened my bag and pulled out the envelope. Handed it to him. What was so important inside the thing was running through my mind. I should have read it at home now thinking to myself. John took the envelope from me.

"Mary, have you read it," John said.

"No it's addressed to you, not me," I said to him.

John opened it and pulled out a single sheet of paper from it. It looked like some type of official looking paperwork. He read what was written down on the paper, making sure of whatever it said.

When he had finished reading the piece of paper. His head went back and closed his eyes for a second or too. Then handed it to me.

"Mary, this was going to be my present to you on the day we met. Remember when I had to go away for two weeks with work about six months ago," John said.

"Yes, why what's in the letter you have in your hand," I said to John.

"Mary yes I did go away with work but I also went into hospital for half a day. Do you want to read it or will I tell you what it says," John said to me.

I grabbed hold of the sheet of paper. I wanted to read it for myself. It was from a hospital it read as follows.

Patient John Evans followed by his date of birth. Followed by our home address and telephone number.

I saw the name of the surgeon, followed by the name of the Urologist department. I read what was written and scanned over all the meaningless data numbers.

Operation successful, Sperm motility reading Zero. No living spermatozoa present.

Signed and dated by the Doctor.

"Mary, what you have just read is about me. I had a vasectomy operation done. It was to be my present to you. So you could stop taking those birth control pills every day. I did it for you. Because you were always kept on checking and rechecking if you had taken one. Repeatedly because you did not want any children. And I accepted that and was willing to live with it until I would die one day. I had it done because I LOVED YOU SO MUCH. You see Mary I cannot be the father of the child you are carrying."

I dropped the letter and held my head bursting into tears. I pleaded with him to listen to me but he looked away from me, staring out of the window. John had pressed his bedside button. A nurse came in and saw me crying then looked at John. Somehow she knew John wanted me to leave so the nurse told me to leave.

I refused to leave and the nurse called for the hospital security. They took hold of both my arms and walked me out of the room. I was screaming for John to answer me but he never did answer me.

Day after day I tried to see John. But he had told the hospital staff not to let me in. so I started to telephone him. I got through once as soon as he knew it was me the phone went dead. On the fifth day I decided to walk into the Doctor's office. His personal assistant would not let me in. So I walked straight into his office.

"Yes Mrs. Evans Evens. What can I do for you?" Doctor Snowden said.

"I want to see my husband; I must explain one or two things to him and ask him for his forgiveness. I love him so you see. Please Doctor, can I see him right away," I said to the Doctor. As I fell into one of his chairs crying my head off.

You see, I had to see John. To explain and beg him to forgive me. I would do whatever he wanted me to do. But I had to see him.

Doctor Snowden was looking at me. Shaking his head from side to side. He stood up and walked round his desk standing in front of me. I was trying to stop crying. He put both his hands on my shoulders.

"Mrs. Evans, I have some bad news for you. Your husband passed away in the middle of the night. Somebody should have telephoned you to inform you. Please accept my condolences for your loss," the Doctor said to me.

"Why did he die? He was doing so well you said so," I said to the Doctor.

"Unfortunately five days ago his condition began to fail. He was not taking all his medication pills is all we can think of," The Doctor said to me.

I left the hospital with the death certificate. I had never had thought about death before or what to do with our bodies. Will I have John buried or cremated? If I have him buried, who will look after his grave when I am gone. Cremation was the only answer.

What about the baby I was carrying that was not John's. John's funeral was the most important thing to me right then. So I arranged it in less than a week. John was gone. I had him cremated with a long loving passage entered in the remembrance book.

So now I had to solve my infidelity but how.

Was I to kill myself and the baby. Have the baby then have it adopted. Or have the baby and leave it inside a church. Have the baby and look after it myself. If I do that. I cannot give the second name of the child of 'Evens'. I would have to use my maiden's name or the biological father's name. What happens if. I fell in love with the child. What will I do? What must I do?

I sat and stared at the walls. Thinking that I killed my husband. When I told him that I was pregnant with his child. I remember the way he looked. When he said nothing. I wanted him to hold me tight and kiss me long and hard. It never happened. Now I know the reason. It was for his vasectomy. He had done it for me. His loving wife who had gone behind his back and cheated on him. How can I forgive myself?

I started to think about George. The one who thought he was god's gift to women. I guess the condom he used one of those days had burst or was faulty in some way. I am going round to tell George I was going to have his baby. As soon as he gets home from work.

I knocked at George's front door and he asked me to come in. We sat opposite each other. I bet he was expecting me to head for the bedroom tough shit he was having.

I told George all about John and that the baby I was carrying was his. I think he was expecting me to ask him to marry me. But he was not the marrying kind? When I finished telling him I was having his baby. He passed no opinion for a minute or so. Then he laughed at me.

"Mary, the baby is your problem not mine. You knew what you were doing. I have a new woman every other night, why should I marry a slut like you," he said to me.

He had shown his true colours. So I left his house. Muttering under my breath.

My problem was the baby. I started to think about the man I truly loved, John. That day I told him I was pregnant. That must have been the day I started to kill the one I loved. He supported me, He loved me, he trusted me. I cheated on him?

But George was going to pay. Since he can have any woman he wants. I found an attractive looking woman. She was a woman of the night. I paid for her to have sex with George. Over a month he was with her every other night. It cost me some money. I wanted God's gift to women to catch something horrible since the woman had it had been given to her. He was going to regret it one day soon.

I had the baby and had it adopted. Found a job and moved away. I would keep my secret for the rest of my life. The next man I would make loved too would have me all to himself. I would have his children. Being a loving mother give him my trust and makes him a happy man as well as myself.

Before you ask, I have found a new man and I love him. But I do think every day about my first love John. All I can say to you. Is do not cheat it is not worth it.