Never Yours Again

To One Frederick "Hal" Haliburton,

If you've gotten this far, you've already unfolded the yellowed body of my letter. Maybe you've cut yourself on the envelope as you impatiently broke the seal with your thumb. The inked words you are looking at are the marrow and I'm sure you're waiting for me to 'get to the fucking point Phyllis' but you don't get that luxury anymore Hal. You now have to wait until I'm done because rather you put this letter down or not you will still find yourself stuck in the last part of the conversation you didn't want to have and there's no real way of stopping it. I won't lie that thrills me some, but that's not why I am writing to you.

I'm sure you've noticed that you found your last homemade supper, saran-wrapped in the fridge, just over a month ago. And ever since you've not heard hide nor hair of me until this letter. I'm also quite certain that you've lied to our Bridge partners Gerald and Linda about my absence by saying I'm off visiting my mother, who died last year. It's quite alright Hal, I never cared for them anyway. Though I always did notice the eyes you and Linda made at one another. I just never said anything because I was hoping an affair would blossom and I would be granted a swift and fair divorce. There was no such luck for me because you're too much of a boy scout and she's too much of a 'fat cow' (your words not mine).

I honestly don't think there is one moment I miss being married to you. I hated eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes twice a week and I hate having to make it even more. You know I wonder, is your laundry folding itself, or have you started throwing it away and buying new clothes in lieu of the chore? The thought of either makes me laugh. It's been about six weeks since I last ironed a pair of your godforsaken socks and I've never been happier! Boo for you I know, but as I'm sure you've gathered my life no longer revolves around you. I'm sure you've also figured out how to do it yourself or 'fat cow' Linda is volunteering to do it for you. Either way, I still don't care.

I just wanted to write and let you know that I am fine, as a matter of fact, I've never been better. Maybe Margret and I will come to visit sometime. Who is Margret? Well, funny you should ask but I am very glad you did. See, Margret use to do the bookkeeping over at Eddie and Sam's Hardware. So, while you'd take all day looking at finishing nails and ballpein hammers, I got to chatting her up in the back office. We hit it off and became such great friends!

Needless to say, anytime you decided you needed something from the hardware store, it always made me laugh when you brought up Margret as a bargaining chip to get me to ride along. We'd get there and you'd go off and talk to Eddie or Sam endlessly; while I sat behind a locked office door with my knickers on the floor and Margaret's face between my legs. And let me tell you, Hal, she's one hell of a lover.

Margret and I would greet one another like old friends before she'd turn and lock the door behind me. I'd drop my britches and lie back on her desk with my legs spread and she'd tell me with a wide smile on her face, "Oh Phyllis, you brought me lunch, you shouldn't have." (It was a joke you see.) After that, she'd hike up her skirt and let her knickers fall to the floor before taking a seat at her desk. So, while you were out waggin your tongue in the storefront, Margret would lap me up like a thirsty dog on a hot porch. Oh, the way her tongue moved AND she'd touch herself at the SAME TIME, isn't that crazy Hal? Unlike you, she made sure we BOTH got there!

I'm not being entirely fair; I know it wasn't all bad between us. At one point we were like two cooing love birds and somewhere along the way we just started sitting on different branches. It honestly makes me sad some days, I really wish this would've panned out differently. Though I can't say I'm too upset that it didn't, freedom is refreshing as is being adored. Initially, I thought I was sending this letter to you for closure. To tie up all loose ends and inform you as to why I'd up and left. Yet as these letters escape my pen, I have found this letter is more for myself than anything else. So, for the third time in the whole of my life outside of leaving you and insatiable sex with Margret, I'm doing something else that benefits me.

Well, Hal, I suppose this is it. I don't imagine I care much who you find as a new Bridge partner (or bed partner for that matter) and I don't care what you tell Linda and Gerald either. I know how much your pride means to you; I've been doing things for you most of your adult life, so I don't mind shouldering the blame. Though it will be the last thing I ever do for you, Hal.

I'm sure you noticed there was no return address on the envelope, and I've done that on purpose. You needn't worry about me I'm fine and plenty happy. Saul is already working on the divorce papers and will have them to you soon, all he'll need is your signature. Thank you for the wonderful 8yrs of marriage, even though we were really married 17yrs total. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Never Yours Again,

Phyllis