New Millennium Sex Tales 02

It's me Sarah. The music is pounding in the background; my heart is ready to be alive again! That mini-dress still looks smart-alecky in the closet; it still makes me feel hot. But it also seems rather ...passive? demure? The moonlight has returned, and there's a new suite on the bed. It will give me more room to move, and I might want to.

But I'm taking my time, like I've done for the last weeks. Parts of me wanted to run back to visit main man (really!). But it's like I needed to adjust. I'm sorry, but I needed to think, and I'm going to talk about that here. If you want hear about what I'm about to do, jump into the next chapter now.

Maybe it starts with something I'd said earlier, that I felt "pretty much a virgin." Well there was some fun I'll tell that later. The important point, I decided, was that maybe there was something to this feeling I had after main man — my feeling of not having fully arrived. It was fun and pleasurable and so validating, in ways I still don't fully understand. Yet, I didn't feel like I was fully there, ...fully aware? Was something missing? It went so fast. Maybe it's difficult to absorb the first time or two? Maybe sex isn't an all-or-nothing deal?

I realized I was full of questions, and I wanted some education. What could I do? Society keeps sex hidden — or at least implicit — in the day. And the nights are obviously dark and dangerous, nowhere for a sensitive person to explore. Not sex shops! And it was so awkward to bring up with friends. The internet was a hope.

Strangely, the easiest thing to find was exploitation. I did start to find some fun pictures. Some were made by people, for people. My fav was homemade and humble, and sometimes it was hot. A hot that I could share.

And slowly, after persistence, I made progress toward education. There were nice articles in the Wackypedia, and Koogle turned out an interesting tool of you chose your words carefully. There was even free fiction, at all levels of quality!

So I read a lot. I had feelings. And found technical information, immediately applicable in my safe bedroom lab. Mmmm. I felt good for days.

But the outside world was tough. After loosing my decent job to that f-n virus I found a really crappy job and assholes tried to drain the life out of me. Power sucks when welded by assholes. Even mean vampires would be better, or at least more honest. I got angry, and then depressed. Surfing went morbid. And wow, I found some negative takes on sexuality.

It seems that for much of human history, the doctrine was that sex was evil, even sinful! As I comprehended their arguments, I stepped into sinkholes of guilt. Sex, the original sin. Treatises on the mortal sin of masturbation, perhaps the best and most evil example of self absorption. I was often self absorbed, sometimes it was my only pleasure. I had really spent a lot of time alone, enjoying my bedroom. Was that my busy parents fault? Am I just another narcissistic failure in a generation raised without proper fear of hellfire?

The thought of going to church entered my mind, briefly. We had gone to a Catholic church once or twice, but I just couldn't believe their doctrine. I twisted the phrase to make the irony clear:

"Just say 'no,' ...to a billion neurons?!"

We've seen where that leads. Thank god I was never an alter boy!

Yet, it seemed that saying 'yes' was tough too. I probably could have learned to fit into the sex-teen stereotype that most of our culture implicitly encourages, while hypocritically mouthing 'no'. I would have been more popular in high school. Many kids did try to fit, sometimes me. But my friends seemed to lose their brains as they exposed their skin and it made me sad. And at least for me, public exposure made it difficult to hear my own thoughts. I'm sorry, but the history of the world has produced a few good ideas that hide between the textbook lines. I wanted to grapple with the ideas in clothes I could space out in.

So here I was, a few years later, and I did fit into something sleazy, sexy. The time felt right and the place felt... so fucking good! Ohhh!

I saw a movie that gave me some perspective. It was about old times, the 60's, and the beginning had this fascinating tone. There was this mother, a good woman, in a small town. She had a family, including a dedicated workaholic husband, but it wasn't enough for her. She had a home, and a kid, and men were first walking on the moon. But it wasn't enough for her. And then this hippie guy came to town. And beautifully, like a wonderful dream, he helped her discover her self. She became alive. I cried and cried. So human. Apparently, she never had a passionate outlet for her existence. How could one get locked into such a deal? But then, of course, in the movie things turned complicated. I turned it off. Why do stories about human discovery so often end in darkness...?

I guess this movie was about this thing called the 'sexual revolution.' I don't fully understand it because from my viewpoint it was a major, total, extreme, flop. Apparently, people gained permission to say the word 'sex,' and the technology to have sex whenever they wanted. Ok, the pill is great; thank you!!! And the new ability for every person to define their own sexual identity and marry who they want — that's wonderful! But that just seems to be moving toward genuine humanity.

And it must admit, sex with strangers scares me some. For me at least, true human freedom was never realized. Nobody has gained real insight about sexuality nor, perhaps more revealingly, humanity. There's now this hierarchy of sexiness and you can buy the next level up. Hair color, expensive make-up, surgery. Shit that bugs me. Movie stars can claim "sexy" but they are too harassed and busy to actually feel it. Sexuality in our society, it seems to me, has been lost in exploitation!

So I've come to a resolution, or at least a perspective. Maybe we are all on a long and difficult road to becoming fully human, still far from our destination, perhaps still trying to find our direction. Perhaps sexuality has been difficult for people to talk about, much less deal with. And perhaps the sexual revolution was just an early baby step into the light. Maybe I'm hung up too, but a little less so than my parents. They're not free sexually but they've always been decent to me. And because of that, I've been able to learn to approach the subject just a little more openly. And maybe I can learn to be freer, and maybe someday I can help raise children more open than me.

So here I am, and maybe I can realize my own revolution. There seems to be something out there, a frontier of learning to be human. That's my goal tonight.