New Years and New Doors

"Walter, why are you here?" Danial asked as they sat around the fire pit on a cold November night. The orb of light containing them like the walls of a their own private tavern, just as Daniel had envisioned it when he designed the garden that contained them. Though his visions in designing the space had been of his wife, Lindi's, face not the broad smiling bearded face of Walter, handsome though he was. These days Lindi was not as often at the fire's edge with him as Walter was. More often she was in her studio, which was within earshot of their fireside tavern. But she was less interested in their long winded deep conversation than in her pottery and stained glass, which she did in the outside studio that Danial had built for her. She could hear the hum of their ongoing conversation, not listening to the words but adoring the warmth of company, present but not intruding on her solitary efforts.

"I'm sorry, would you like me to leave?" came Walter's uncertain response.

"No, not why are you here this moment. Why are you here in this town? You had been in San Francisco where your talent was more understood and appreciated, where there was more of a life for you. So why are you here."

"Oh!" Walter laughed showing the wide toothy grin that made everyone admire him. "This is where my car broke down." He said as if that were explanation enough.

"Walter, your car broke down three years ago and was repaired three days later. Why are you still here?"

"Well, I suppose it has a lot to do with you and Lindi."

Danial cocked his head in curiosity encouraging further explanation.

"I left San Francisco like a spark from this fire. No destination in mind just escaping the intensity. After my last show, things just got overly intense. I sold several pieces for more money than I had ever dreamed of and more than was rational. There was a lot of demand for my time and people wanted to direct me and my art. It was just very uncomfortable so I took off thinking I would take a couple of weeks off."

Walter was a sculptor working primarily with large welded pieces. His work was in demand. He did large pieces that sold for as much as six figures and he also did smaller pieces that sold for many hundreds each. He had gone from living in his small studio that he had converted from the auto mechanics shop he had run to put food on the table before becoming obsessed with his art. He spent three years in a near homeless state before his art became an almost overnight success with the Silicon Valley crowd.

" So, what happened?" Danial asked.

"Well, I just sort of breathed into this place. Know what I mean?"

"No, probably not. Please elaborate."

"In California, I felt like I could not get a breath of air. It was like everyone was sucking the oxygen away from me. When I took off, after the last show, I began to get my bearings. I spent a couple of weeks in the mountains in almost total solitude, just unwinding and breathing. I would find the most isolated campsite I could and hike hard every day. If someone took up a campsite near mine, I would pack up and find another campground. In this time, I felt like I was expanding into myself. I had spent several years totally focused on my art, not thinking about anything else and then everyone sucked my oxygen. Finally, in the mountains, I could think and breath. With each breath, I felt like I grew a little more. Finally, I drove out of the mountains. In fact, I did not mean to. I was just driving and when I dropped out of the front range, I was so enamored of the sky and the flatness that I just kept driving. I assumed that I would turn around to go back to my beloved mountains, but I drove all day and the next morning I just kept driving east. That is until I broke down here."

"Okay, why have you not gone back to your 'beloved mountains'?"

"I have. Several times. I need to spend at least two weeks in the mountains every year. When I drove into the mountains from California, I was gasping for air. Both from the escape and the awe of the beauty and the absurdity of my art. Why did people pay so much for my pieces when this was here and far more spectacular. I was totally humbled and a bit humiliated. I had been so wound up in the search for beauty, so self-absorbed in my interpretation of beauty. In the mountains I felt shame, and surrender. One day, I was hiking and totally absorbed in the surroundings from the tiniest flower to the grandeur of the immenseness of the mountains, I felt like I was in the most magnificent womb. I took my clothes off and laid in the meadow. The sun beating down on me was amazing and I stayed there for probably an hour before the sun dipped below the mountains. It was the next day that I drove out of the mountains."

"That seems pretty spiritual. But it still does not explain why you are here in this particular corner of Shangri-La."

"When my car broke down, I had no idea where I was. I sat there for a few minutes not getting out, wondering if I should let this be a sign or if I should be bummed that I was delayed on a trip to I did not know where. I finally got out and lifted the hood. I had a pretty good idea that the water pump had gone out and I was trying to decide if I wanted to start taking it out on the side of the road or if I wanted to call for a tow truck and have it just taken care of. That's when you pulled up."

" Yeah, I was worried about a long haired, bearded hippy with California plates in these parts on a beat-up old Toyota truck. I figured you needed saving." Said Danial

"I did." said Walter "Just not in the way you thought."

"Yeah, you let me make a fool of myself. Acting like you did not know what the problem was. And I assumed you were some poor kid with no money. You sure looked the part. I was reluctant to bring you back here."

"I figured. I told you that would be grateful for just a lift into town but you insisted."

"Again, California hippy might not be so warmly welcomed. I figured I needed to save you," Quipped Danial.

"Even though, you thought I might become a mooch."

"Well, that and I knew Lindi's penchant for long haired hippies. Don't forget that is how I attracted her back in my youth when I had hair." Now closely cropped, Danial's hair was mainly a fond memory.

"Oh, I did not know that." Said Walter as his eyes widened and he turned to look at Lindi busy in her shop. "Lindi has a thing for long haired men?"

Lindi was ten years older than Walter but she was quite beautiful in her very unique way. Walter thought of her as collaborator and an older sister but He also had to admit that there were times, if she was a sister, that he had incestuous thoughts. He rejected those thoughts with little trouble because he had so much respect and love for Danial and Lindi that he never would have done anything to endanger their friendship. Besides she had never indicated any interest. Walter had taken to including Lindi's stained glass and pottery in his pieces to good effect. He had even included her name on his last piece, which she did not know until he showed her the article about it in the San Francisco Chronicle. She had been shocked and humbled and told him that he should not have done that. After all her pieces were no different than found objects that he had artfully incorporated. Not only had he claimed otherwise, he also gave her a $15,000 commission check, which she refused only to have him direct deposit it into her account. Walter knew the money would help them out as winter was always a tough time in the seasonality of Danial's landscaping business.

As he looked at her busy in her studio, Walter could not help but admire Lindi's shapely petit figure. A figure whose lines he had often incorporated into his abstract sculptures, always hoping that they would not be noticed as such. But the flare of her hips and the lines of her back were more than he could resist. He also imagined the shape of her naked breasts. But even though Lindi played the part of a hip woman, usually in flowing skirts and Birkenstocks, he had never managed a view of her bare breast. Though he had seen her in a bikini top a couple of times, which always took him further into a place of lust than he was comfortable with but also motivated some of the strongest most obviously erotic lines of his art.

Turning back, blushing having stared perhaps just a bit too long, Walter said, "Good thing that I did not know her penchants back then."

" I don't know, might have been fun." Said Danial with raised eyebrows.

"Oh come on, man. You never would have let me near her if I had un-pure intentions."

"Un-pure?" asked Danial. "You are the one from California. What is un-pure about lust. It is a very pure emotion." The bourbon was having it's effect.

"I don't think so," said Walter. "It is usually adulterated with other emotions like self-serving greed, jealousy, and love. It is seldom pure once it is pursued."

"Well, I suppose in that sense of the word, you are right. But when we were younger, in college, and she was a little freer, I was always very excited when she attracted the attention of other men. I suppose I would not have been if she had made me insecure about her love. But she never did. One time, we did the drug XTC with a friend. She was braless and wearing a fairly loose fitting shirt. That drug makes you very open to everything. The world becomes a benevolent loving garden. Our friend Paul became very attentive and openly talked about how beautiful her breasts were. I was not at all jealous. In fact, I lifted her shirt so that he could see them even better. She teasingly chastised me, but made no effort to cover up. She told Paul that she was happy that he found her breast beautiful and that she did not mind him looking at them but that her body was only for me. We talked about if for probably fifteen minutes while her breast we exposed until Paul asked if we would mind if he masturbated. We told him that we did not. As he took off his pants and started to masturbate, Lindi and I stared into each other's eyes -- I'm telling you that is one great drug, have you ever done it?. But before he could answer Danial continued on. Eventually Lindi and I made love having completely forgotten about Paul. Neither of us knew when Paul left. The image of lifting Lindi's shirt for Paul and seeing Paul reveal his erection excited about seeing Lindi as always been one of my most erotic memories. This was like the opposite of jealousy."

"Wow, that is very hot." Said Walter "That is called compersion. It is a real gift."

"Com what...? There is a term for that weird feeling?" Asked Daniel.

"Compersion. Yeah, it can be very strong in some people. It is a feeling that, for most people, accompanies a strong sense of love for the person that they want to share."

"That is very weird! How do you know this?"

"California, Silicon Valley, it is very new agie."

"And I always just thought I was the only sick bastard in the world."

"Not at all. You are not the only one and it is far from being sick, it is open hearted and loving."

"Well, if Lindi had that sense life world be very different."

"Does she think that you are sick?"

"She has little idea that I have those thoughts. Sometimes I try to get her to dress a little more revealing but most husbands probably do that."

"What? You don't share your fantasies with her?"

"Not one's that I think would upset her." Daniel said a little defensively.

"I'm surprised. You always seem so open. Lindi loves you powerfully, she would not judge you."

"What you angling for, buddy." Daniel teased.

"I'm not angling for anything, other than your happiness. But I would not have to think about it for too long before that angle came into view. Your wife is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known in every way. She has a beautiful mind, a beautiful smile and a beautiful body. One of the reasons that I do not get serious with the women that I date is because she is the benchmark. Lindi and you really are a big part of why I am here. After coming out of the mountains, I no longer felt like I was gasping for air. I could take big even healthy breaths of air. It was relaxing and meditative. That first night, when we all made dinner together, I felt such an intellectual bond with both of you in such different ways. You and I connected on a philosophical level but Lindi is not interested in that stuff so much, she and I connect in our art."

"Yeah, it is interesting, while I appreciate and love her artistic side, it is different than my own expression. But when you all connect over art, it is like that comparison thing for me. Accept, where as I shared Lindi's breast with Paul, it is more like you share Lindi's art with me. It makes me feel a lot of love for both of you."

"Really!" Said Walter "That is beautiful. It warms me inside a little like this bourbon."

"Me too. I wonder if I could get her out here and lift her shirt." Said Daniel.

"Lovely as that would be for the two of us, I don't think she is there."

"I wonder if we could get her there?" Daniel said a surprising even himself.

"As much as I would love that, I would fear it more. I love you two too much to risk what that could do."

"Dude, you have sort of let the genie out of the bottle. I'm not going to be able to stop thinking about it now."

"It's not worth it. Not only would I not be willing to risk our friendship, I also would not want to risk damaging her impression of me."

"Didn't you just tell me that she would not judge me for my fantasies, what makes you think that she would judge you for yours?"

"A husband sharing his fantasies with his wife is well within the normal script. A friend and colleague making a move on a married woman is well within a very different script that is not that of a good guy."

"Since when are you tied to the scripts of normalcy? Besides this would not be something that you did. It would be something we would do."

"Remember her telling you that her body was just for you? This is our fantasy, not hers. And to be honest with you, it is your fantasy. I have worked very hard at keeping it from being my fantasy and I would like to get back to that place," Said Walter showing signs of annoyance.

"One, the genie is out of the bottle. You can't go back. And two, if her body is for me and this is what I want, doesn't that make it okay?"

"Are you kidding me? No! it does not make it okay. And I don't need to tell you that. It is her body to give to whom she wants. It is yours to the extent that she gifts it to you. You do not have agency over it beyond that."

"Yeah, yeah, but if she knows that it is what I want, then maybe she will be allowed to want it too." Daniel said almost pleadingly as he drained the last of his bourbon.

"If that is what she wanted, you gave her permission with Paul and she made it clear that she did not."

"Paul was a good looking guy, but he was not you. She loves you in a special way. When you two talk about art and she looks at you with such admiration, that is what stirs my compression or whatever you call it. I'm pretty sure that if given permission in a way that allowed her to form a different script, she would want this."

"I don't know man. There is an awful lot at stake here." Said Walter

"Have I ever told you how beautiful she is when naked and she looks into your eyes like you are the only thing of interest on the planet? How she invites you into her feminine fold in the most unassuming yet seductive way over the course of a day until you long for her with such urgency that if she did not give permission, you doubt you could stop yourself? If you think there is a lot to lose, then you have no idea. I assure you there is everything to gain."

"And what of you? Don't you have a lot to lose?"

"I am confident that the combination of love and time has fortified the metal of our relationship well enough to endure changes."

With that both, men went silent for several minutes staring into the fire until Daniel jumped up and grab their glasses to refill.

"Probably better not refill those, Danny boy. We've probably already gone too far for one night."

"I think we need just a finger or two more before we call it a night."

Going to the kitchen through Lindi's studio, Daniel stopped and put his arms around his wife giving her a loving embrace and more than a loving kiss. As he reached around to squeeze her bottom she pushed his hand away and stepped back looking a little shocked and said, "what got into you?"

"Nothing much, we have been just been talking about you and I can't help but wanting some of that."

"Bourbon and boys," she said "a dangerous mix for sure. You better not add fuel to that fire."

"Honey, that fire is already out of control." He said as he headed into the house.

Coming back through he reached again for her bottom. She did not step away but instead looked out to the fire to see that Walter's back was turned. She leaned in and said in a whisper, "If you are not too drunk, I might take advantage of you later."

"Uuuum," he purred. "Why don't you join us at the fire?"

"Maybe later. I don't want to interrupt the male bonding."

"It was not been male bonding we were talking about," He said with a passionate kiss and swat on her bottom.

"So what have you been talking about?" she asked.

"Like I said, we were talking about you," he said over his shoulder as he headed back to the fire.

That made her smile and feel warm as she turned back to the stained glass piece she was working on.

Handing Walter his glass with a definite three fingers of amber liquid in it Danial said, "I think that we have both expressed repressed desires tonight. Separate desires with the same focal point."

"Umhum" said Walter pensively not ready to relinquish the questions he was turning over in his head. "Listen Daniel, let's not take this bourbon talk too far. I'm already feeling like I'm going to need to walk some of this back in the stark light of sobriety."

"Oh, no you are not." Said Danial with a certitude that made even him doubt himself. "Listen," he went on "I am on much firmer ground than you are. I get it, but regardless of where this revelation takes us, let's not approach it with fear."

"Well, you are right that you are on much firmer ground than I am. My time here in this town for the last three years has been the first time that I have felt connected to a placeand perhaps to people. Much of that is due to you and Lindi. I really don't want to mess that up."

"I get it. I don't know about you, but I cannot turn back. Knowing that there is a name for the feelings that I have worked so hard to repress and that it is not necessarily a bad thing is an awakening that I cannot ignore. There is no one else that I could talk to about this other than you. I have never had a friend like you. I have now told you things that I have not told my wife. I am going to need to keep talking about this. I don't know what, if anything, is going to come of this but, at the very least, I need to process it and talk to you about it. You cannot deny me that."

Again silence fell over the friends who starred transfixed into the fire.

Sometime later Lindi came out and took a seat, "What's wrong? Why are the philosopher's silent?"

"We are deep in thought, honey," said Danial rather absently.

"My goodness, since when do deep thoughts silence you two?"

"Lindi," said Danial, "Do you remember the night we took XTC with Paul back in college?"

Lindi's eyes widened and she said, "why do you ask?"

"That was a wild night, do you remember?"

"Yes, I do, but I am not particularly interested in discussing the indiscretions of our youth."

"That night was really important to me," said Danial "I don't think that I ever told you that. I don't think that I have ever been ask excited or in love with you than when I lifted your shirt to share you with Paul."