Nine Months Too Long a Wait

"And you suspect me of doing what?" I asked in a somewhat defensive posture that seemed to make both officers sit up a little more confidently.

"Do you know a Randy Phelps?" the older of the pair asked next.

"By this point, you both know the answer to that question," I replied. "He's the piece of shit who cuckolded me with my ex-wife while I was deployed with the Marines out of the country. I believe they are now married and I know the child was born several months ago. So what's his problem with me? Does he want to find out if I've got a girlfriend so he can knock her up, too?"

Both deputies kind of smiled at that. I was glad I could be entertaining.

Mr. Phelps has had an accident, and he won't be knocking anybody up ever again," said the younger one. "Seems that he was coming out of a bar and getting into his car when he was carjacked by three guys working as a team, and in the ensuing scuffle Mr. Phelps' gun went off and he shot himself in the ... the groin, as it were. He lost his ... uh ... unit ... and almost bled to death before paramedics got there to save him."

"We know that you are part of some sort of special forces-type team in the Marines, so we need to know if you or anybody from your team was involved," said the older deputy. "It really does look more than just a little coincidental, don't you think? Now where did you say you were?"

"I was at the Red Rock for a good two hours, and before that I was at The Avon. I've got a bunch of witnesses, including my ex-mother-in-law, Mona Bingham. The bitch hates my guts, but I'm sure in this case she'll back me up."

"Well, we'll double-check to make sure, part of the job, you know, but when your own ex-mother-in-law backs you up, it looks like you're in the clear," said the older trooper.

I waited until they were long gone before I pulled a different burner phone out of my pocket and called Dean from my team. He picked up on the second ring and listened.

"Shot his dick off with his own .22, huh? Very nice touch. Thank you, Brother."

Two different sets of troopers came back to the house twice to see if they could catch me in a mistake, but that wasn't happening. They checked in with my boss and co-workers as well, but found nothing there either.

I ran into Chas a couple of weeks later at the bar. He was grinning from ear to ear.

"You ex-Mom-in-law was quite the woman, Phil. Did Derek and Scottie after me before she left, too."

I bought all the beer that night, obviously.

Life settled down into a nice routine for me after that. I waited about another three months, then I asked Lee Anne Lazarro out on a date, providing, of course, that she didn't call me Ace. She accepted, and on our sixth date we made passionate love for half the night. That was the first time I had actually made love to a woman -- not just had sex -- in more than a year, and Lee Anne showed me on that night that she was much more than a pretty face with a mean streak. Six months after that, we were engaged, and another six months down the road we were man and wife.

I left the Marines before the wedding. Part of it was because I didn't want to have to leave Lee Anne for any more deployments; part of it was paranoia of what would happen if I left Lee Anne for a deployment. While we were dating, she assured me that I could trust her completely during a deployment, because she had come from a broken home caused by cheating, and she felt every bit as strongly about fidelity as I did. I guess I wasn't willing to take any more chances on that happening. Burned once, twice shy.

And speaking of fidelity, apparently that wasn't a strong suit for Traci. About 18 months after her first child was born, she had another, and about another 18 months after that she had a third. Since it was no secret that Randy was a dickless wonder since soon after the first child was born -- thanks to all the news coverage of his carjacking -- he had to endure the whispering and laughter that comes when everyone knows your wife is slutting on you. Karma's a bitch, I suppose.

I was told she named the third child -- a boy -- Phil.