All Comments on 'No Cake'

Well done.

I don't understand the motivation for Mary to crash this party. She bailed on that life completely so why run the risk of being outed like this? Makes no sense. Well written, sure. But totally implausible.

I notice my three stars comment, pointing out issues with this vignette has apparently been deleted. Whatever floats your boat.

All the effusive five stars comments apparently made the cut.

JPB

Great story/start. I would like to see a part 2 to this story.

Some of you commenters aren’t very bright

Very impressive story out of the gate. I found myself squirming from the tension you created. Kudos. Five stars!

Great writing and for such a short story really packs it in.

Wow! That was something else! Fantastic story.

An interesting and dramatic story.

Ya done very very good. Nice compact story with a whole lot of interest packed in. Can't wait to read more from this first time author, I think Lit readers are in for a great future with this new scribe. KUDOS

Interesting and creative and well-written, although the rags to riches part seems a bit old and contrived.

I would love to see part 2.

Nice first story. I look forward to your future works.

A very well told story with some very emotional parts. Would have liked to see the Mary vs Mary confrontation. Would love a chapter 2.

Congrats on a great first story.

Thought the story was good. A good job of providing the information. Thanks for your writing.

Maybe a prequel of what led up to the meeting at the wedding and a sequel of what happened after the wedding.

We NEED Mary and Kurt's story. Huge loose ends.

All I can say is WOW !

Whatta first story... VERY well done, and I have to say I'd also like to see the next chapter in this story which goes back in time or forward in time... either way should be a great follow-on.

5 stars from here, by the way !

Judging by the primo loving wives author's who have given your story high marks, I will e looking forward to your future stories. It was an excellent read UT considering it was your first submission exceeded anyone's expectations.

5***** I'm speechless by your first story. Write On!

I'm confused, she ran off to have Michael's 3rd child with Kurt? And then shows up with her new husband, uninvited, to her daughters wedding. And she didn't expect consequences after 11 years? And she left Kurt in the dark about the whole thing? Hopefully you expand on this and fill in why. Why she did it? Why she came back? And why she never thought of any consequences? And why she raised Micheal's daughter with Kurt and passed her off as his?

Excellent. A New Writer to Follow and Enjoy. Thank you for your supurb storytelling.

Great story other than the timing. She was 2 months pregnant when she left. Since she left suddenly without getting divorced it would be a year before she could claim abandonment and be free to legally marry Kurt. She would have had to have been screwing Kurt for more than 2 months before she left Michael for him to believe his daughter was his. Also what freak names another daughter Mary when she already has one that she abandoned. Mary the wife is a true piece of shit.

Very impressed for your first.... Some serious open ends here.

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Will Mike get to see his youngest daughter and will she get to meet her two sisters? Will Mike press bigamy to gain custody of his youngest?

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What did Mary expect attending her daughters wedding? I can only assume Mary's parents/family are gone or they would have spotted her as they would attend their granddaughters wedding? I very much doubt Kurt and Mary will remain a couple, especially when he discovers he is not the Mary Jr's father...

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5***** Hooyah,m Salutes....

This plot appears unbelievable, for many elements already pointed out, in the previous comments, unless ... the Mother-Wife had and still was having, some kind of serious mental-break. Why a wife and mother, pregnant, would leave her family for another man, with all the very high risks in doing so ? And why, after many years, she was showing with a white (wedding like ?) dress at the wedding of her daughter, and her abandoned family, with her new husband, risking the almost certain disaster told in this tale ? Either she was mentally unstable or she was really dying inside, and sunconsciously needed to confess her sins and asks forgiveness: both ways, what she did was her suicide. And, so, yes this plot need some good clarifications to make it more plausible. A lot of readers are waiting for the followup.

Damn, now THAT'S how to make a grand entrance with a first story.

Top imagination. Top author.

Wow, what a great story! the writing was in line with the top 1% of the writers on this website.

A part 2 of this story with Micheal getting his 3rd daughter back would be great addition.

Thank you for this great work!!!!

I think it's as long as it needs to be.

A lot of pain, a lot of pain to happen. I will bet Mary (the ex.) has been beating and torturing herself for years over her actions.

Your time line is wrong, but still a clever story. Kurt had to know the girl he regarded as his daughter was from another man. That being said he probably married Mary as a single mom. Mary was just probably silent about the family she walked away from. Usually it’s the husband who walks because he can’t take the responsibility. This is a twist on that theme. Women just don’t get pregnant and hop to another spouse and pretend that it was the second guy who got her pregnant. Well written though highly improbable.

My only question is ‘Why/How would Mommy be keeping track of her first family … especially find out about Kim’s wedding?’ The aspect of she and Kurt getting onto the island of the reception is also questionable. It sounds like a high-luxury and very secure location.

It also seems that Kurt should be aware, as several comments suggest, that he was not the sperm-donor of the younger Mary-child! Two months before Mary-Mom left … had to be showing (or even single-mom) by time Kurt marries her!

Wow, talk about a great first impression. Where have you been hiding? Great story and dialogue. Can't wait for more.

Amazing presentation of an explosive situation in a way that is believable and also conveys the honest emotions readers would imaging the characters would feel. Very good first story, can't wait to read more.

A little complicated but good story. Hope you write the second part.... *****

For those of you wondering why the estranged mother would go to the wedding, the answer is fairly obvious. To see her first born married. It is a fair question to ask how she thought she could get away with it, but there were 500 people there? On the other hand, maybe someone else invited her? And, the useless dialogue at the beginning several Mensa members were bemoaning was in fact to set up the fact that Kurt and Mike’s paths had crossed setting up the probability that Mary was having an affair with Kurt. Mary was pregnant with a baby she thought possibly was her lover’s? So, she bailed on her first family. Conjecture of course. But good short stories don’t always answer all the questions raised. The reader is free to argue these points. But, both families are in for a lot of additional heartache for sure

You know, you can type whatever words come into your mind, but reality and human nature don't really give a shit what anyone writes, or thinks.

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So this great, ambitious, talented loving intelligent man, has two great talented loving intelligent daughters, and they are ALL wonderful virtuous ethical people. But somehow he discovers he's married to a shallow selfish cruel monster of a whore, who abandons her husband and her children, 'cause she just ain't having fun anymore? And this lying cheating betraying slut then marries another sucker, and He Too is apparently a decent normal intelligent man, who somehow has made the same mistake of marrying this soulless heartless cruel monster of a woman. Wow, this woman is just Some Kind Of Actress, or beguiler, or enchanting evil witch. Well, except she thought she could just waltz into her abandoned daughter's wedding and not be noticed? And if she was noticed she would just be greeted as some long lost friend, kind of like Aunt Mommy?

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Your plot premise is Outrageous; look it up. You might as well have Orcs and wizards and Klingons as supporting characters. Its an outrageous fantasy. There's a category for Science Fiction and Fantasy; this ain't it. Granted, very dramatic and suspenseful. Just as if a lightning bolt struck the cheating wife following the husband's monologue. Bet you wish you'd thought of that yourself. Why not, almost everything else in the story was as unbelievable.

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So try again. But try making the characters and their actions a bit more plausible. Really really smart decent people don't end up married to cheating worthless whores. Yes, they'll claim it happens every day. Decent people, I suppose, but just not very smart. You get what you marry, you stay married to what you tolerate and enable, so you get what you deserve from your spouse. His worthless whore went looking for more and better, and abandoned both her husband and her daughters. He might as well have married an orangutan, and then claimed he had no idea. Deaf dumb blind people often end up with bad marriages. And wonder why.

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Type what you want. Marry who you want; maybe you'll get lucky. Reality doesn't give a shit.

Very good story, I believe you could dig deeper into this story. Excellent first story, please continue.

THAT is how a talented author makes an entrance into Loving Wives. Ladies and gentlemen, Wandering_Mongol has arrived.

Great original story. No follow up is needed for those with little or no literary imagination, keep up the good authorship.

Ed

Please, please keep writing. Great story

One possible outcome: after the illogical partecipation at the wedding of the demented wife, and the consequent BTB, her second marriage badly broke, and ... is it going to an unbelievable RAAC ??? And they lived happily forever after ... is it a fairytale ???

@Rustynail95, unless of course Mary had an ongoing affair with Kurt and thought the baby was his?

Holy cow..that was short but incredibly well constructed. I’m just amazed at how much you implied as well as told. Absolutely genius

4 stars. Very good story. But the evil bitch basically won, living a good and easy life and not having any punishment, despite having destroyed two good men and two families and three kids. If this had a positive ending (for victims, and repayment for the shitstain), would have been a very easy 5 stars

Cracking first story! Deserves a sequel and prequel. Please keep em coming!!!

It’s hard to rate this story as “I love it” because it hurts. I just couldn’t rate any lower than a 5. Thanks for sharing this with us.

A few holes in the plot but nothing that can't be remedied with a good follow up. You have introduced the main characters well and with intriguing possibilities for dramatic backstories. Don't let this one get away from you.

Wow this was surprisingly riveting , a short intriguing tale that built in intensity-up until the final word . I’m no author but it seems to me that if one were to get lessons on how to write a perfect short melodrama this particular story would be required reading . Five stars and a standing ovation !

Good story. Deserves a second chapter to see what happens.

Yup, a woman alright 😄

What an excellent first story. I think it needs a lengthy followup.

i feel like this needs more

yes i agree terrific story for your first and not last i hope but also agree this deserves a second chapter 5 for me as well

What a crass (ex-) couple. The guy can't stop talking about how much money he spends. The woman wears white to a wedding (!).

I liked the story, dialog, setting, characters but the story is too short and left open ended. Not like a Cliff hanger because we just don't know enough. Had this come across my desk, I'm not sure if I'd had my Secretary send it back or tossed it into the trash basket. So many stories are like this here and I hardly ever give a one page story or in this case, the first chapter 'Outline'. I did like the story so far.

At his daughters wedding?! Could have handled that way more player

I enjoyed the story, but I'd like some reasonable explanation why the woman would attend the wedding reception where she had to know she would be recognized.

Wow! What a great story and great writting. Can’t wait for future tales.

2nd reading and 2nd comment.

I hope author continues story and here are some thoughts:

1. Wife left when 2 months pregnant. Why would she think it would be easier to have child without husband/father and then likely be a single mom. Did she already have Kurt lined up? But Kurt's situation did not seem better than Michael's.

2. Seems difficult to believe that Michael did not chase more after his wife. She was carrying his child, and just to get child back would be reason to find wife.

3. Seemingly ignored in story and all comments is that the youngest Mary is a sister to middle Mary and Kim. The sisters should know each other.

4. Naming daughters after mother is a bit unknown, and makes no sense in a story as it does not add anything to the plot or drama, but confuses the story for no purpose.

Impressive ‼️

Gave you 4⭐️s.

Looking forward for your next post.

I'm

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AMerryman

Selfish woman being selfish. A tale as old as time.

Thanks for the share, author.

A fine story.

Unusual and interesting angle.

Not top shelf story but good fun.

4 out of 5 from me.

This is a very,very good real life situation presented in a well thought out tale..well written as well..you earned 5 stars.. I truly enjoyed it as I thrive on realism in fiction and riveting story line....JZK

Great story. Was a little confusing at first, but reread a couple of times to figure it out. I can’t imagine being in that situation from either man’s perspective. The woman was so into herself and seems to care only about herself, as is evident by naming the girls after her. I wished there was more to the story putting her in her place. What a low life. 5 stars

Doubt the ex would be stupid enough to attend the wedding. That’s would just be asking for a disaster.

Little Mary should meet and get to know her big sisters. Kurt is still little Mary's father, he has been for all her life.

I enjoyed it a bit more than others I guess, 5 stars from me, but I must admit it felt incomplete. It left me wanting to know more, and maybe that's what creative writing classes teach you to do, but it's not fun for the reader. Still, very well written. Thanks for posting.

I read this after reading your 2nd story. WOW! Congratulations to you on your writing. Please keep it up!

How does a woman meet, woo and marry before she shows when she is already three months along? Was she cheating the entire time on Kurt?

Puzzled

Just read both of your stories and loved them. Hope to see more soon

I hope there is more to come with this story!

Clueless idiot.

Great angst but I’m not sure why she brought her husband to the wedding

Ok just read your 2nd story and now read this one. All I can say is WOW, great story. I figured it was his wife in the beginning, but the twist at the end was absolutely genius. So is Mary a bigamist? Sounds like she married Kurt while married to Michael….

Thanks for writing, looking forward to future stories. 5⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I realize that I am a nameless Anon but if I ever get a named label I promise you will be one of the first authors on my favorites list. Like "statestreet", this was the second of your stories I read today and I will be waiting for anything new that you submit. I like the strength you give your MCs and the lack of foolishness in their reactions to unkind situations. At the conclusion of an opera the audience would be respond with calls of Encore and Bravo; this is my voice of appreciation.

Fantastic!

A great story! While not necessary, it feels like there could be a sequal.

This should be in the non-erotic category.

Good story premise and okay writing. Some editing could clean it up and smooth out the prose. Great first effort. Gave you a five for effort.

Excellent story, Thank you for sharing 5 stars from Xluckylee

Fuck yea! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Mary was 2months pregnant when she left . Did she marry Kurt the next day in order to pass off her pregnancy as his? 😂

Well done.

Nice set up, good pacing.

You did telegraph your sting a little but you built the tension nicely.

Dragging any real feeling for you characters from a reader is hard in a short format but you are getting the idea.

I agree with a couple of other commenters, you would benefit from a good editor.

Really looking forward to reading more from you.

something tells me the old hag was seeing kurt before she bailed and he didn't know about her past or current life. She had to leave to sell the story the poor man has been living under for years. It is not going to end well for the whore. Just hate the pain that Kurt and little Mary are going to have to go through. Hopefully the cunt will pull another runner and stay gone forever so that they can heal and move on. Michael and "his" daughters should be able to help Little Mary move on and feel relief that she doesn't have to worry about the breeding bitch anymore.

Chit

Illogical. Why was she even there?

Many Lit stories suffer from too much back story. Yours could have used a little more. Are we to infer she was cheating with Kurt when she abandoned her girls? Why would Kurt think the eleven year old was his unless he'd been screwing Mary before she conceived?

Oh, and I liked it too. First comment was intended as constructive criticism. Keep writing; I'll be following you.

What luck for Kurt! He is now rid of Mary and, since a bigamous marriage is no marriage at all, will owe no spousal support. Additionally he won't need to pay child support since the youngest Mary can easily be proved to be not his. Kurt's lesson will be expensive in years but less so in dollars. He just needs to be careful in choosing a law firm to represent him because Mary is sure to want some palimony and child support regardless of the child's actual parentage, at least till she can get her hooks into Michael, who, if he never divorced her, is still her legal husband and the youngest Mary's father. What a cool drama! 5 stars

I'm not qualified to write even a single derogatory remark on this story.

I read the story with understanding, I think.

A grade of 5 for sure. Nice work!

I wish I could do as well as the victim husband.

like it. for others whether Michael is married or not is unknown. if he filed for divorce based on abandonment is also unknown. When Kurt married Mary is unknown could have been after the child was born and he adopted her ( name on birth certificate is unknown). MAYBE there will be another part or the author will make a comment on these questions. the way i read the story Mary was not unfaithful just overwhelmed and unhappy and obviously her parents and family and Michaels parents and family could or did not help them out.I guess the reader gets to make his choices on the unknown,

Obviously Mary at some point wondered about her past life or maybe after she got her head on straight was ashamed and was afraid to get in touch but cared enough or wanted to see what she gave up and from what was written i think is very sorry for what she did no matter how her marriage is wishes should could get a redo

Excellent. A follow up would be great too. Thanks.

@someoneother #2 - "I looked for her. I called and emailed." Where did it say that he knew she was pregnant?

Did Mike Nesmith get up and play with the band at any point?

Take the last train to marriage.

Great. The second story was great as well. Thank you

This folks, is what GREAT dialogue looks like. You could SEE what was happening, and you could FEEL the emotions. Compare that to these stories that sound like scripts from industrial videos or transcripts from a dark, featureless void. Aspiring writers, bookmark this and study it.

Time line does not work. Mary was two months pregnant when she walked out on her family. She must have been fucking her new husband before she left. Other wise her new husband would never have thought he was the father. Why not say she was a cheater rather than leave it unsaid?

@sbrooks103x

"Then we found out she was almost two months pregnant, with our third." Michael said, looking off into the distance.

Incomplete

When you write a story don’t post it if you can’t/won’t finish it!!!