No Questions Asked Pt. 02

Bea sobbed as she fell to her knees, hiding her face and her hands she moaned, "I love you. I swear I love you; I swear. All I want is you!"

"I thought you wanted this trip too?"

She fought for air and calmed herself down. "This trip has become much more of a need. I DON'T want it; that's the whole point! That's why I asked. That's the terrible or dirty secret."

Having delivered the mood he wanted, making sure they both knew this was a potentially marriage breaking situation, Dave spoke with much more sympathy now. "Alright Bea, you need to connect the dots for me now. I can't be the terrible or dirty part of it because I still don't know what we're actually talking about. What is it that I'm not doing for you? What do I fail at so miserably that you don't even want me to try? What have I done that is so bad you won't even tell me about? And how have I fallen so far in your estimation that you might be considering outsourcing without bothering to give me my performance review and a chance to make it good?"

Tears flowed from Beas' eyes in a stream. She shook her head mouth agape having no idea what to say.

Dave put his hand up gesturing for a small time out. He collected himself and started over with less venom, "I've flat asked you if sex was involved. All you ever offer is that a man is not involved. That leaves a lot of grey area. You could be filming a porno with marital aids. Except, I think you would've excitedly told me about that. In fact, I think you'd want me to be the cameraman and director. I know you best, I know what buttons to push. I know what to tell you to do and how to prompt you for the best performance. So that doesn't make sense of your not telling me either. The Shetland pony gag has been amusing, but I don't think you're into bestiality for a moment. Once again, if you had that kind of a kink, I think you would've at least discussed it with me, I think you would've admitted it."

Dave saw his last sentence made Bea lurch. There was something there, though he was sure it was tied to not admitting something instead of a particular kink. She was struggling mightily to answer him. He put his hand over hers. She looked up incredibly thankful.

"Dave please, what... what if there's something I don't know if I need to admit yet?"

Bea's well of confusion seemed bottomless to Dave. He asked softly, "What does that mean? Admit -- yet? Does that mean you've been doing something and haven't been caught?"

Bea looked close to coming undone again. Dave backed off. He further lowered his volume and asked his wife, "You've intimated that this is something you want to try. Maybe you aren't looking forward to it but you're going because you want to try it. Strangely, it seems you're hoping you don't like it. From all the secrecy over the test, I can hardly put stock in your saying one way or the other nothing will change between us. That's hard to believe when it seems we're melting down already. Just as it's hard to give you full value for not wanting to lie to me when you've become a contortionist to not tell me the truth. Dancing around the facts doesn't deflect me, it just emphasizes how much you don't want to tell me the truth."

Dave slowed depressed his anxiety, "Which, in fairness, IS what you told me at the beginning of this mess. I just find it an extremely sad commentary on what you think of me." He rubbed his temples.

Bea closed her eyes at Dave's description. She'd prayed her time away could seem a simple weekend trip, like she went to her sisters. Although Bea didn't want a cover story. She didn't want to tell even that much of a white lie. Besides, what if Dave called her sister to find Bea wasn't there, what would he think? How could she prove herself afterwards?

Dave raised his hands then let them drop, he was going to admit something important even if his wife wouldn't do the same in return, "Bea, by avoiding direct questions about things like what's wrong with you, and whether you want to cheat on me, you've torn me in half. Although you've gone out of your way to say there will be no men, every time I've asked about sex you've changed the question or answered with a joke."

Dave wanted to say something more but instead he closed his mouth and looked at the floor.

Bea had to concentrate to not let her head fall. She thought she'd gotten away with avoiding admittance of guilt. "Dave, I don't want to be confrontational. I never want confrontation with you."

"Then why won't you be honest with me?"

"Because that will bring up a number of questions that I'm extremely uncomfortable with. But..." Bea held up a hand, "that I want to answer. That's the key to this, Dave: I don't have answers - yet. When those questions are asked, I must be able to answer them. If I can't they're going to grow other questions like the hydra's head." She looked at him with complete earnestness. She put her other hand atop his, "Each of those questions branch depending on the answer. Without answers yet, we'll bog down into hopeless frustration. Which is where I've been for a while now. I-It's driven me to distraction and now it's driving me a little bit mad." She shook her head in rattled dismay, "I'm stuck. I simply must have the answers so I can follow through with our inevitable discussion to its conclusion. Steps will need to be taken if the answer isn't the one I want. But there's no doubt we'll take those steps to safeguard what we have." Bea paused looking deeply into her husband's eyes. "Dave, ironically, I'm doing all of this to stay true to you. Although the unanswered questions are killer, we already have the most important answers because I haven't acted on any of the more negative possibilities."

Dave added glumly, "Until now."

Bea sighed. She had to pull herself together now, she had to help her husband, "I don't think that's quite right, Dave. And I think you have enough information to know that. I'm not sneaking away. I haven't engaged in bad behavior and hidden it. I'm being as up front as I can, telling you I'm going away in order to answer a question about my basic nature.

"The endgame of this trip is to vouchsafe our love. I'm not acting on a selfish desire. I'm not trying to get something for me that would only be to my benefit and very much to your detriment. I'm trying to be the best wife and best friend I can. I can't discuss things at this point because the first questions are the same ones I've been asking myself and haven't been able to answer -- yet."

Dave's face went blank, "Wait, are you saying that you WILL be honest with me after you come home?"

Her eyes grew wide. "Yes darling, absolutely! I just can't give you the answers until I have them. I've always planned to come clean about all this. This trip is just so I know what to come clean about and what to DO about it. It's weird, if I get the answer I want, in effect I'm instantly exorcized from all my crippling self-doubts. I know I should've shared that I was having doubts about myself earlier but admitting that leads to the same questions I still can't answer -- yet. Dave, I'll be the happiest girl in the world when I can report everything to you!"

He said under his breath, "So you don't plan to keep this secret from me forever."

Bea was angry at herself for this lack of clarity, "Oh no baby! I-I should have explained THAT. I'm such a mess. That's a glaring omission on my part." She grabbed his hands again, "Dave, I honestly expect the answers will all be determined this weekend, one way or the other. If I didn't, I wouldn't be going. As stupid as this sounds, I haven't asked you about going away before now because my doctors and I weren't to a point of figuring it all out until now. I resolved some time ago that when we got to the point where it could be resolved, I'd go as soon as possible."

Dave was still trying to process the subtle change that completely redefined the problem. He asked a question that was hardly top tier, though still important, "What if the answer is not the one you want?"

Bea broke into a beaming smile through her tear-streaked face. She'd just thrown him another haymaker and still reeling he came up trying to help her. "I've prepared for that eventuality more because it requires it. Then it's even more important that you know. I'll need your help protecting us from my uncovered weakness. The two of us would NEED to talk about it."

Bea sighed, for the moment her tears had stopped, "Dave, this isn't about keeping secrets. This is truly about uncovering the truth and taking all needed steps to ensure I stay the wife you want and expect. Even though you're correctly calling it my secret trip, it's really a trip of discovery. Whoa, that sounds really bad, and it isn't bad, I promise. What I'm trying to say is that I want to go away for a single weekend to get the answers I need to share with you. That will include a fully formed action plan for dealing with any results we don't like."

Dave sat back hard. "Geez Bea, that really changes things. I wish you'd said that a lot earlier. Um, I'm going to risk another question, just be honest with me."

Dave seemed exhausted and still very much haunted, the weight of the gallows, however, was gone. Bea couldn't help a fractured smile. "Ask me Dave, if there's any way I can answer, I will."

"It's pretty obvious you aren't going rock climbing to beat a fear of heights. Besides you would have enlisted me on that one too." Bea watched her husband turn green from what he was imagining, "I'm not asking you what you plan to do, but there are only a few things it could be. For all this trouble it must be something that could so anger me or break my heart that we can't make it. Am I correct?"

Bea fought to swallow the huge lump that had formed in her throat, "Baby, I'm not trying to duck around your questions. I'm still very much concerned about bringing about either of those two possibilities and a host of lesser ones. Dave, to be honest I never saw this weekend as something that could break us up. It's just that... you just got a prime example of how screwed up I've become: I launched into this entire weekend away thing and never told you I planned to be honest about what happened when I got back. Here you think I'm trying to hide a sexual tryst and the whole time a major part of the secrecy was trying to spare you the pain of imagining just that. I can scarcely imagine the turmoil I've put you through. You wouldn't have been happy if I'd explained it better, but I've tortured you more than needed.

"You've said no men."

She ground her teeth, "No Dave, they'll be no men, I have the ultimate man. You are the only partner I want of any type, gender, or species. Though I understand if you want to take a latex Shetland pony replica to my hind quarters when all this is over." She tried to give him a reassuring smile. She hoped he knew she was kidding about the last item.

Dave didn't smile. He was watching a picture assembling itself in his head. "So, if you tried ... something else... I still wouldn't lose you. Are you sure?" He couldn't keep the trepidation out of his eyes at the end.

Bea felt herself tearing up, Dave was close to distraught. "Dave, ah, you need to understand that I don't want to "try anything else."

He pursed his lips as his eyebrows creased down with anger, "You didn't say you weren't going to though. And you've referenced having questions about your "nature." He sighed more loudly than he expected, "What you plan to do, ah, is it going to be in your hotel room?"

Bea expected to be petrified if Dave got this close to the truth. She couldn't be now, she needed to help him. She was quiet while forming her response.

Dave glanced up, she was thinking it through, he saw her smile at her conclusion to answer him. "No Dave, not at all. But I might not be in my room much." She ventured more, "I expect to be in a suite of rooms -- office style rooms -- in a professional setting. A correct, upright, professional setting. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, I'll be at her offices." She grimaced, "I don't want to mislead you, it's more complicated than that. Which means I'm forced to walk an informational tight rope. It's all on the up and up. it's not shady baby. I expect to spend a lot of time there. A lot." Bea had trouble saying the next. "The, er, tests might go deep into the evening... if they can't sort matters out without that." She cringed, "It's almost like a cpap test, in that I might have to stay over. I pray not, but if I do, it will be in a clinical setting, because that's what this is."

Dave chewed on the side of his cheek. He asked a question she didn't expect, "So, what about meals and that sort of thing?"

Since she'd told the basics of her trip, Bea didn't see any harm in this. In fact, she was sure from the pallor on his face that Dave had figured out a lot more. He wasn't going crazy in response, that was good, but that meant he was keeping his feelings inside and she was sure that was bad.

"I'm staying at a downtown Hilton, honey. I'll give you the address. It's a block over from my doctor's office, that's why I chose it. There's a small restaurant in the hotel. I'm not going to sightsee. I believe I'll be in the nearby doctor's offices or my room the vast amount of the time I'm there. I thought I'd stay in the hotel for meals. There may be meals in the doctor's offices. What are you looking for Dave? I want to tell you everything I can without making this worse for you."

"Ah, well, if all the ... activity ... is not in the hotel room I thought maybe... I could go along for emotional support. You know, help you calm down if it doesn't go the way you want."

Bea could feel how conflicted he was. She broke the news as gently as she could, hoping he could tell she wasn't giving him the run around. "But I don't know how long or when I'll be in the hotel room, and I might be an emotional mess when there." She paused shaking her head in appreciation, "Which is why you want to be there: to prop me up. Even though I may be ripping your heart out. Oh Dave, I swear this trip is all so I can come back to you and be even more yours.

"Dave, I'm not sure your being there is a good idea. I think you'd be stuck in strange surrounds alone. Especially if my treatment runs late into the night, I'd rather you be here where you control your life, where you can stay in or go out, see friends, whatever you need. You'd be a prisoner in that hotel room. And you'd be all too keenly aware of exactly how long I'd be gone at night ... if I have to stay over." Bea looked away.

Dave nodded slowly, "Bea, here's a biggie. However, I'll respect your wishes you don't want to answer it. I told myself not too long ago I wouldn't ask anything of this magnitude trying to respect your desire to keep things unknown. I just feel I must ask. Forgive me."

"Forgive you? Oh Dave, I'm the one that needs forgiveness. If we go through all the other regular tests and still don't have the definitive answer, necessitating I need a certain sort of treatment, I already planned to throw myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness as I explained every detail to you."

Dave deflated slightly, "Well, that might answer things, but I'm better off making sure I'm in the right ballpark." He blew out a long breath, "Bea, is your psychiatrist a lesbian?"

Bea felt she should have been scared as hell. Instead, she felt tremendous pride in her husband trying to reason out the unreasonable, trying to see her position when she'd blindfolded him from the start. She reminded herself that he wasn't giving his permission or blessing, he was merely trying to figure out what he was dealing with. She didn't possess the vocabulary to describe how much she loved him.

"No Dave, she isn't. She's happily married with three kids and a husband she adores. We got along precisely because she wasn't a lesbian when she helped me in college. That made for a very honest exchange between us then, which has continued wonderfully now. She knows I'm crazy about you."

Dave looked so heartbroken Bea's heart skipped a beat. He asked unable to hide his sadness, "What is it that you're convinced I can't give you?"

Bea saw something new, despondency and humiliation.

"No, no, heavens no! What I need is an answer. I must know. I don't need the physical part. I really don't want it, but I have to know. I have everything I want and more in you. I do! I know it. Yet I've begun to change us already. I've endangered us. The secrecy was my attempt to insure THAT never happened; it had the opposite effect.

"I thought if I could truly discuss matters, even the worst-case scenario, that it would be like discussing a heart ailment: here's the problem and here's what we do to fight it and correct it. On the other hand, to blurt out that I have a fear and it's driving me crazy, but I don't know exactly what it is, how bad, or how to fix it would simply add to the anxiety. What kind of discussion could we have? I was scared that could cause exactly what I just saw: you taking my fears onto yourself. I have a problem and you blame yourself. I've brought about what I fought so hard to avoid."

She studied him. "I've made a massive miscalculation. With your imagination I thought you would have a thousand awful thoughts about why I was away. In my condition I thought the truth would be the worst and your imagined ones would be better. All those others could distract you from the worst case. Then I would be back with the cure, so I could admit the problem and add that it wasn't going to hurt us at the same time."

Bea couldn't face him. "Dave, If I tell you the truth it will let you know that you don't have to worry about all the other horrors you've imagined, but it will unveil a possibility that may be a deal breaker for you. Ah, it may also change your perception of me so much that it kills your love for me. It was a brief chapter in my life, but I've hidden something from you believing it was a quick but massive mistake. But now it's come back to bite me, now us, in the ass. If I tell you, I will take away many of your fears, but I will instill the same ones in you that have driven me to the edge."

Bea locked eyes with her husband, biting her lip. Her brow furrowed with resolve, her eyes became slits feeling her own pain and that which she was about to inflict, "Dave, I fear I may be bi! If it turns out to be true, I want to counter it. I want to be yours alone. If I have ... true yearnings, I need to know how to deal with them. It's the not knowing that's killing me, doing nothing is eating me alive!"

Bea blushed at her choice of words. She spoke in much more measured tones, "Women check out women. Even today a hot blonde usually well outsells anything else on the cover of a woman's magazine. But I'm unusually confused. We go to a movie that features an attractive couple. I feel almost as turned on by the female lead as the male. I know I like men, and I know I love you, and I know your touch is magic to me. But my fear is consuming more and more of my time and energy. I can't take it any longer. And there's a way to know..."

Bea had to avert her eyes once more, "I'm sorry. I've set it all up. It's professional. I'm not picking someone up. It isn't an old acquaintance. It isn't an old crush. It isn't going to be very romantic. I'm not seeing a prostitute; I've already been meeting with counselors and therapists."

Still bewildered Dave said, "But you could have told me that. It has to be more than that. You're going away to have sex. Aren't you?"

Dropping her face into her hands Bea sobbed out, "God help me, most likely." She took the chance to peak through her fingers at Dave. He wasn't angry, and that seemed terrible. Most likely that meant he was hurt.

They looked at each other in pain, Bea thanked the heavens they seemed to be sharing it, "When I came to you about this weekend, it seemed I only had a choice between two different ways of hurting you. I chose the one I hoped would end the soonest. My choice came down to a single mystery weekend that hopefully would grow distant in the rearview mirror versus admitting desires that I wasn't sure you could ever forget."