No Questions Asked Pt. 02

Dave nodded in thanks of her admission, "Is there more? Or did we just blow away everything you were trying to hide this week before you went?"

A sardonic smile creased her lips, "Dave, I've taken all the tests, done all the psychological profiles I could over the phone, by zoom, or computer. I'm going out there to talk to some of the counselors face-to-face. If need be... I'll meet a woman. A professional trained at this sort of thing: helping people with sexual issues. It will just be to see if I respond to a woman and, if so, to measure the response. They have trained licensed professionals. We aren't talking hookers or escorts. It's not going to be anything romantic. I'm not going on a date. If I do anything it'll be at the doctor's offices, they have special facilities, it's not going to be in a hotel room, neither shoddy nor expensive. There's no romance!"

Dave wasn't angry, he was worried as hell and still having trouble processing everything his wife just dumped on him.

Bea pled, "Please baby it's mortifying. It's horrible. I don't want it to be true, but there are ways of dealing with it if it is. And that's my plan. Dave, I wouldn't have gone this far unless I feared it was true. That fear and uncertainty is ripping me apart. I feel like I'm already cheating on you, like I'm not giving you everything because there's some part of me that won't go. If it's true they can tell me how to deal with it. I haven't touched anyone, I haven't approached anyone, but I still feel guilty just for having these possible feelings. I know I'm generally too emotive, so far in our relationship I think you've enjoyed that. Please Dave, I want to be yours completely! I can see how torn up you are, that's why I never wanted you to know. I never wanted it to be true. I want to be all yours! When I told you I had a problem, I had to be able to tell you what the problem was and how I was fighting it too, so you knew it wasn't going to threaten us. But I don't have those answers yet."

Dave looked up more bewildered than before, "But this much is true: you're planning to cheat on me. That they're professionals and have a license doesn't mean she isn't touching you and you aren't having sex. A doctor's blessing doesn't mean it isn't cheating. It just means it's not tawdry." Dave was saying it as much to himself as he was to Bea. Though his words sounded certain, they were anything but. He wondered if the clinical nature didn't negate the betrayal aspect though. It would have if she'd told him upfront AND he'd given his blessing. Damn this subject can tie you up in knots. He felt sorry for what Bea had been going through.

Bea was desperate as what she truly feared came bubbling to the surface, "Suppose all this time I have only been ninety percent yours? I have no doubt that I am mostly yours, vastly yours, but I want to be ALL yours! I can go this weekend and know. After this, I pray I can come back and tell you, "Oh my gosh honey, it's all been in my head. I am one hundred percent completely yours!" Dear Lord, Dave, I long for that certainty and to be able banish my conflicting thoughts as ridiculous if they ever recur.

"But what's really driving this, what I really must know is; suppose the weekend shows I'm only ninety percent yours now. Suppose after finding that they could show me what to do to fight the instincts that threaten us, and I could come home ninety-five percent yours? For me that would be worth this suffering. Suppose there are other things I can learn and do that would make me ALL yours? I must know Dave! I have to try!"

Bea seemed worn out, the reveal had cost her, though Dave had seen exactly what she was dealing with and just how strung out she was.

"Dave, perhaps I've been the wicked witch, or a stupid bitch, to cut you out of that decision making. It's paramount to my thinking that you're such a good man and I'm certain you are 100% mine. It's incumbent on me to fulfill my vows. I made a promise to you that I would be completely yours, and I must deliver. Dave, I'm desperate to be all yours.

"I never wanted you to know that you've been giving all of yourself to me while I hadn't done the same for you. Except I knew I'd have to tell you. So, I had to be all yours when I did. The problem had to be past tense when I confessed."

Bea looked like she wanted to throw up, "I didn't want you to take the trip with me, to be there to see me with someone else, if it came to that. I didn't want you to see my dismay and failure if I turned out to not be completely yours, even if I never had to touch another woman."

She paused still looking bilious, "I thought about a threesome with a woman so you could have some benefit from my uncovering my true tendencies, but even that would make you question me. And forgive me Dave, it would kill me seeing you with another woman! Even with the threesome I was going to get a professional escort - unlike the professional I may need to be with. I certainly didn't want to go to some bar and pick someone up. That just felt too weird, and I worried about the sort of person that would come right home for a threesome after just meeting us.

"This part is terrifyingly real, and goes to the absolute core of my fears: suppose you were there, and I unlocked the terrible truth that I prefers females? I love you so much that you would win any competition hands down, but you love me so much you'd pick right up on a vibe like that. I understand sex, passion, and intimacy, follow my heart. I've no doubt on that. I don't believe, even if I'm bi, that there's any woman in the world that could take me away from you now: I am yours, irrevocably yours. But suppose I really responded to a woman? Suppose I really got into it? I didn't want you to have to see that, I never wanted you to doubt me, or question yourself, or your attractiveness to me.

"I'm hoping I'm simply fixated on the feminine choice, like concentrating on the finger with a splinter instead of your other fingers that are fine. If not for the terrible thought that I could damage your perception of me, I would want you right there with me.

"Believe me, if this was just some sort of sexual exploit, I'd want to explore it with you. This isn't some thrill I'm looking for, I want to be a complete woman, and I want to be completely yours. I'm way past driving myself to distraction. I'm driving myself mad. I'm not saying this to you to try and get you to change your mind and let me go. At least now, you know what I'm facing. Now that you know my motivations for going away, I pray you don't think less of me. I feel like a lot less though; I'm intimidated to let you look at me now." Bea's lips pressed together in anxiety; her eyes were pained.

Dave nodded and spoke frankly, "Bea, I still have one overarching difficulty giving you permission to go. Being honest it's probably exactly what you feared: I'm scared of losing you."

"You won't," Bea said dripping with sincerity and sympathy.

"What if I'm contrary to your nature?" Dave's face looking like that of a man enduring multiple hornet stings.

She took his face in her hands, "I told you I love you, that overrules everything else, Dave. Everything seems so right with you."

He grimaced, "I will feel less the man letting you go knowing what you may do. It's my job to protect you and our family, in almost every case that means keeping others from touching you. Forgetting my masculinity for a moment, I personally can't stand to think of you in the arms of another. I can't stand their touching you or you responding to their touch. I can't stand the thought of your lips on them, searching them to please them. Dammit, wanting to please them. I-I'm sorry Bea." His head dropped. She'd never seen him so low.

She nodded, "No, of course, I get it. I'll unpack."

He turned his face up to hers, shaking it slightly, "But I can't bear the thought of making you live a lie any more than my living a lie." For a quick second his lips gathered towards one side of his face then dropped back in place as he sighed, "I guess I have to know the answer as much as you do now."

Bea looked up at him, her eyes huge and mouth agape.

It took several moments before Dave concluded, "Besides, you've been crushing yourself with mental cruelty, that can't be allowed to continue. You need to be protected from that too. So... I agree Bea... you need to go to Texas."