(No) Strings Attached Ch. 04

Sorry, I didn't mean to make my little note go to the next page last time. Also apologize for the delay; lost my stamina a bit. You know how life is.

Between you and me, I am so glad these fools have finally made it to AZ.

I based part of this chapter on my trip to the Grand Canyon, even if the details are fuzzy now.

Chapter Four: No Sleep till Arizona

We decided to stop at Kitchen No. 324 for breakfast before heading out of Oklahoma. Tyler heard about the restaurant from a friend who told him they had "Green Eggs and Ham" on the menu. He insisted we stop there when we came up with the itinerary, not that he was enjoying it that morning. He was incredibly hungover, as was Liam, though Liam hid it better. The bar closed at 2am, but Liam hadn't come back to the hotel room until 4. I tried not to think too much about where he had been, even as I wanted to demand to be told while I teared through my eggs. I didn't have the right to know, I told myself, and had even less of a right after the whole Sam debacle.

Alexis watched us closely, and though she didn't say anything, I knew she picked up on the weird vibe and had likely deduced the cause. She must've also picked up on my desire not to talk about it because she didn't stop me to bring it up.

"Arizona tomorrow, can you guys believe it? The Grand Canyon awaits. I've never wanted to see a big hole more in my life."

"That's what he said." Tyler groaned. "God, I hate myself so much for making that joke."

Alexis clapped her hands and grinned. "Sweetie, I'm so proud of you. That was great."

"It wasn't hard to do," he said with a grimace. "You've only been making the joke for the last few days."

"Yes, but Claire and Liam didn't know that, did you guys?"

We stayed silent. Alexis deflated a bit.

Tyler managed to get me alone while everyone took an opportunity to go to the bathroom before getting back on the road. He apologized for being an idiot and said he hadn't given much thought to how it would make me feel.

"Alexis says I can be a thoughtless butthole sometimes," he said.

"I get it. Like I said to her, he's your friend."

He shook his head. "You're my friend, too, and creating this drama wasn't cool. I'm a buffoon. Do you ever just... find yourself going with flow too much? You don't think, you just do what people tell you to? It works so well with Alexis. I don't have to think too much about whether I'm doing the right or wrong thing because she'll tell me, and because I just naturally put in the effort to be good for her. But sometimes I go along with shit and make it all worse. I avoid temporary discomfort and create a way more uncomfortable situation."

I blinked. "This is all very deep of you. It also sounds a lot like what Alexis said to me about myself."

"Oh, yeah, she told me. She says we are a lot alike and this why she loves and hates us." He gave me a quick hug. "I really am sorry."

"I know," I said.

By the time we climbed into Liam's car, we were all quiet for different reasons. The silence was a bit uncomfortable, but I was grateful for it. I had a lot to think about.

"Goodbye to Oklahoma City and sexy cowboys," Alexis said as we drove onwards.

*****

Things hadn't improved by the time we pulled into a gas station in Amarillo. Alexis stopped trying to chat with everyone, Tyler napped and Liam remained stoic. I tried to speak with him a little. He grunted in response a few times, then reached forward to turn the music up. It was like we had gone back in time. This was the Liam I used to know, not the one I knew now.

"Can we talk about it?" I asked once we pulled into into Los Poblanos Inn and Organic Farm in Albuquerque. It was an amazingly beautiful place, but I felt too sick and discombobulated to enjoy it. "I feel like I didn't explain it well and now things are weird between us."

Liam yanked off his shoes and flopped back on the bed with a long sigh. "You want to see your ex, fine, but you can't expect it not to be a little weird between us now. It'll blow over soon, probably when we're finally in Arizona."

"I don't want to see him, I want closure."

He got off the bed and came to stand in front of me. Close. "I don't think you know what you want."

"That's not fair."

"And closure," he went on, "is ridiculous. There is no such thing. What do you think you'll achieve by meeting him? You think he's going to apologize and mean it? Do you think he's going to have an explanation good enough for breaking your heart?" He stepped even closer. "Or are you hoping he'll beg to take you back?"

"Don't be ridiculous, I don't want to get back together with him. I just want some kind of punctuation mark on our relationship."

"But not a period, right?" he asked, his expression darkening.

"It was an important relationship to me, in spite of how it ended, and I guess I am looking for some kind of explanation." I crossed my arms. "And you know what? I don't think I owe you any explanation. All you've said since we started this thing is that you didn't want strings. We've been having an amazing time, but you're not my boyfriend and you don't know me. This thing is a few days old and already you're judging me!"

He took a step back like I pushed him. "Don't turn this around on me," he hissed. "We were having a good time until you decided you wanted to meet up with your ex-boyfriend and try to keep it from me until shit got too awkward. How do you think that made me feel?"

He got his phone, wallet and key card like the night before. "Alexis is right, by the way. You are passive. Don't kid yourself that you didn't feel like maybe this could become more, but you won't do anything about it, except maybe sabotage it."

Liam slammed the door on his way out.

*****

Dinner at the Inn was an unusually quiet affair that night. Liam didn't show up and Tyler and Alexis were awkward about it.

"I'm sorry, guys," I said after we asked for the check. "I feel like I ruined this trip. I never should have slept with Liam. I made everything weird."

Alexis forced a smile. "Stop. You didn't ruin anything. And I wouldn't say you made everything weird, right, Tyler? We're not weird."

Tyler dutifully nodded. "Right."

"You guys are so weird right now," I said. "Don't even bother denying it."

Alexis slumped in her seat. "I know, right? So weird. I can't help it! Who knew one day I'd actually feel a bit of sympathy for Liam?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No!"

"Tyler, are you mad at me?"

"Hell, no. We're all just trying our best here. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not in a relationship, and if Liam had a problem with it, he should have told you calmly. No slamming of hotel doors allowed. Plus it annoys other guests."

Alexis blinked at him. "Wow, Tyler. Sometimes I forget how emotionally mature you are."

"I know," he sighed, "and that's because you're only with me because of my body."

"I still think I fucked up somewhere here," I said.

Alexis finished her drink and shrugged. "I mean, yeah. You should have been honest from the start. And I think you should have let me tell Tyler to stop Sam but-- You know what? This is actually all Tyler's fault. Tyler, you fucking dunce." She poked him in the arm. Hard. Then turned her frightening attention back on me. "But yeah, I just don't get why you didn't immediately say no way. Is there a part of you that maybe... does want to sabotage what you might be developing with Liam?"

"I hate when you get all psychoanalytical," I sighed.

"That's because usually I'm right."

Tyler snorted and Alexis poked him again. "Stop fucking poking me."

"Stop being a doofus."

"What is with the name calling lately? And, yeah, I was born a doofus," Tyler said. "It's too late for me. And for you, because now you love me and you're stuck with me."

Alexis shook her head and leaned into him. "I know," she said with faux misery.

Seeing my friends like that, so undeniably happy together, made me feel even more like I fucked up. I was afraid of how Liam made me feel, there was no question of that, but were my fears strong enough to make me screw everything up just so I didn't get hurt again?

The squirming in my stomach made me wonder.

*****

Liam was in the room when I got back.

"I'm sorry," we both said at the same time.

"I'm sorrier," I followed up immediately.

He smiled but he still looked remorseful. "Not possible. I acted like such a dick and I yelled at you."

"It's not like I was an angel."

He stopped smiling. "You didn't do anything wrong. You're still getting over your relationship and that's understandable. I had all kinds of strange and conflicting emotions when my ex and I broke up."

My heart was beating so fast and strong that I thought I might pass out, but I had to say what I'd been practicing. "I really like you, Liam.

He grinned and looked down at his feet. "I really like you, too."

"I don't want to get back together with Sam."

"Hm." He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "Tell you what. Let's enjoy our time together and see where it leads, okay? Let's forget about Sam right now."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay."

He kissed me and I hadn't realized how much I missed it. He nudged me toward the bed, smoothing his hands down my body. I followed along, ignoring the part of my brain warning me that this wasn't a good idea, that we still had a lot to discuss. Liam touching me just felt too good.

The bed was softer than the others, and I felt myself dreamily sink into it like I could float right through it. He was on top of me immediately, pushing his cock between my legs and rubbing my nipples through my clothes.

"How could I have missed this already?" he asked, more to himself than me.

"I know," I agreed. "It's just so good."

We shed our clothes and clutched one another desperately. It was like we had gone years without each other. It was as deliciously heady as it was terrifying. And then there was no time left for fears or thoughts. He gently pushed my legs open and plunged inside me in one deep stroke. He moved slowly but thoroughly, kissing my lips, my eyelids, my hair. It was the most sensuous, tender experience of sex I ever had. I'd never known about love-making before, but Liam was teaching me there in that hotel room.

My body tightened around him--my arms, legs, pussy--and I lost myself in the sensation. I felt no qualms beneath him. I just felt right.

I'd never felt that way before.

*****

It was a bright and sunny morning, much to Alexis's delight.

"You guys made up. The sun is shining. The birds are singing. We'll be in Arizona soon. It's going to be a good day."

"I'm glad you're happy," I said with a grin, meaning it. Alexis was a good friend. Somewhere along the line, I'd lost myself in my relationship with Sam. I had forgotten just how amazing she was, and I'd taken her for granted for a long time. It felt good to be this close again.

She looked at me for a moment. Warmth softened her features like she could hear my thoughts, or maybe she was thinking the same thing. She gave me a half hug. "You seem perky this morning, too. Was the makeup sex everything you hoped for and more?"

"Yep." I finished pouring myself coffee from the ancient carafe at the gas station, humming along with the Britney Spears song playing. Alexis was right: it was going to be a good day. I couldn't think of the last time I thought that. I turned to walk out where the guys were waiting, but Alexis frozen and staring at me stopped me. "What?"

"You... didn't even blush or tell me to fuck off. You're humming. Holy shit, this is groundbreaking."

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. "I feel good. Lighter. And I have thank you to thank for that. Thanks for being such a good friend and pushing me to come on this trip."

"Ugh." She wrinkled her nose. "If fucking Liam made you this sappy, then I regret ever encouraging you."

"Yeah, yeah," I laughed, following her outside into the sun.

*****

I wasn't sure what to make of the Petrified Forest National Park. I had never heard of it before, but Alexis assured me that was part of its charm. Rich with archaeological sites, fossilized trees and stunning views, it was a hidden gem. And once we pulled off Route 66 and walked inside it, I was in full agreement.

"It's beautiful," I breathed. The sun shone warm upon my face, the breeze tickled my hair and the great expanse of rock ahead of me was essentially ineffable.

Liam smiled at me and held his phone up, taking a quick picture of me. I gave him a fake scowl and pretended to reach for his phone.

"No impromptu pics!"

"You looked too beautiful for me to pass up the chance."

"What happened to you?" I asked, not hiding the wonder I felt at it all. "You used to barely talk to me. Now you're being all romantic."

His smile faded. "Too much?"

I stepped forward and brought him close to me, hugging him hard. I held onto his shirt as if he were going to move away from me, and at that moment, I couldn't bear any space between us. I breathed his scent in as he slowly relaxed into the hug.

"No," I said eventually. "I love it."

"My big secret is I'm really a romantic kind of guy."

"I am getting that."

We followed Alexis and Tyler around, hand in hand, and it was... it was everything.

The awesome history of the whole place nearly took my breath away. It made me feel small, insignificant, but not in a bad way, as strange as that sounds. It made me realize that my problems weren't so serious after all. It made me take stock of my life in a way I hadn't in a while, to reevaluate my priorities and also to recognize how far I had come. I had changed a lot since my breakup, and all for the better. I never could have imagined that it would be the best thing that happened to me, but as I breathed in the air that seemed so much cleaner, I couldn't deny it was. I had a lot more to work on, to improve on, but there was denying that I had made a lot of positive changes. My life was fuller now, filled with people who loved me and wanted the best for me. I could finally see that, and the contentment that came with that realization could not be expressed.

Eventually the four of us grew tired. We would be staying in a nearby hotel for the night, and then the next day was the big deal: the Grand Canyon. Sam. The end of our journey. As much as I wasn't ready for it all, I couldn't wait. It felt like the rest of my life was just around the corner.

*****

We made love again that night. The expression used to give me the ick. I used to shy away from the concept as if the words themselves were on fire, burning my skin if I dared to even think of it. There was no other way to describe what transpired between Liam and I, though. We didn't know each other well yet, but I knew I wanted to know him inside out. That I needed to. It felt like with every stroke of him inside me, that there was this intimate piece of him just slowly revealing itself.

The morning was a quiet but happy affair. We ate in yet another fucking diner, but it was fine and the pancakes were spectacular. Alexis was happy and Liam had his arm around me. I looked around the table with what I suspected were shining eyes, and I thought to myself that these were some of my most favorite people. How lucky I was.

Alexis must have become a mind reader because she pointed her fork at me and rolled her eyes. "Cut it out. This touchy-feelyness is out of control."

I just laughed.

Once we were climbing up and up to the park, the nerves started getting to me a bit. It wasn't just the elevation number getting higher and higher, obviously, as scary as that was. How I wished I could go back in time and demand Sam cut the shit. But it was too late, and though Liam and Alexis didn't get it, I really was looking for closure. I didn't think Sam could give me that, but I thought seeing him might. Having someone who meant the world to me brutally cut out of my life fucked me up. I wanted to say that to his face, even if he didn't care.

And then suddenly we were at the Grand Canyon. According to Tyler, Sam was already there and waiting for us by the park entrance. We drove along the long path and the Grand Canyon opened itself up to us through the trees.

"That can't be it," Alexis said.

Liam shook his head. "It is."

"No way," I whispered.

"Way," he shot back, one corner of his mouth up.

"I never thought it would be so cool to see a great big hole in the earth," Tyler said. "This is so cool."

It was. That same feeling I felt at the Petrified Forest welled up in my chest, that feeling of everything not being as important as I thought it was. That the world was filled with beauty I might not ever know or understand. It was amazing to think of all the time and the people that came before me, that gazed at the same sight, and would gaze at it when I was gone.

We parked and grabbed our stuff. The moment of truth was coming, in so many ways.

I spotted him first. He was near a water fountain, staring at the water like it was a mystery. I knew he was deep in thought. He always looked intense when he was thinking about something, even if it was what type of cereal to buy.

Liam tensed when he saw him, as did Alexis and Tyler.

"Shit," I heard her mutter.

He looked smaller than I saw him last. Colder. Less approachable. He was different in my memories. I wondered if I hadn't constructed most of them.

He finally looked up and saw us. His mouth slowly lifted in a smile, and for a moment it was like the old days. He used to wait for me after work at a corner bar, and he would give that small smile whenever I showed up. It made my heart hurt to see it on him now, as much as I wished I could feel nothing.

"Hi," he said once we were in hearing distance. "Good to see you guys."

Tyler shook hands with him, but Liam remained at my side.

"No girlfriend today?" Alexis asked. What a bitch, I thought, fighting a smile.

Sam's expression tightened. "We broke up."

There was a loaded silence after that. Alexis moved toward the entrance and the rest of us followed. I tried to ignore Sam's eyes on me. It felt like he was willing me to look at him, to talk with him, but I couldn't yet.

As I walked, I couldn't stop thinking about how life was so odd. All I dreamed about since Sam totally destroyed me was how much I wished his girlfriend would dump him and that he'd come crawling back to me, a contrite mess. Now that just felt petty and immature. More than that, unwanted. I didn't want him to be in pain, and I didn't want him anymore. It was a liberating thought.

I decided to focus on the Grand Canyon instead of my relationship drama. The air felt different there, cleaner even than the Petrified Forest. I felt it cleansing, renewing and fortifying me for what was ahead. It was intimidating to stand there before the great expanse of it, staring at out the pinks and purples, blues and tans of its rock, but it was also healing.

Liam touched my shoulder. A question. I took his arm. An answer.

*****

We went to eat at the nearest local restaurant we could find. It was filled with loud tourists, but the food was decent, at least. We were all in a subdued mood after the long day walking around and taking in the majestic sight. Sam asked some questions about our trip, but even he was quieter than usual. Then again, it was like he was a stranger now. He even dressed differently. He used to wear big clothes--bulky sweaters, graphic tees, hideous jeans. Now he dressed a little like Liam. Everything fit.

I was expecting it, but my heart still went crazy when he tapped my arm on our way toward our hotel rooms and asked to speak to me. Liam went on walking, not looking back, and I couldn't decide if he was just giving us respectful space or if he was pissed off.