All Comments on 'Not a Typical Friday Night'

Very confusing, changes in point of view and sudden dialogue erupting with no context. Just tell it from one characters perspective.

Unfinished and you should've burned the bitch

I know that unsolicited advice is usually worth exactly what you pay for it, but I'm going to offer some anyway.

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MS Word has a function called Read Aloud. If you write your stories in Word, use that function. Sit back and listen to your story being read. There are some glaring issues that it will hopefully help you to see.

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Download and utilize Grammarly. It's a free add-on to Word that will check your grammar and spelling. It's not as good as a competent editor, but it's better than nothing.

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Read up on first person vs. third person or omniscient point of view storytelling. You're bleeding from one to the other in your story.

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Good luck and I look forward to reading your next story.

There must be a part II; because, nothing is mentioned on what Jill is going to do about Sally, Tammie, and Jim. Grouch6977

I’m not sure what language you speak but clearly English is your second one.

At least, I hope it is.

This was a hot mess. Between the change in points of view and the bizarre narration, I was at a loss as to what was going on or why,

You want to tell John’s story, fine; but stick to his POV. No one else matters.

Second: people have a reason for doing something. It might be a bad one but it’s how we justify our behaviour. Don’t take the power away from your antagonist because the key to every story isn’t just the superhero, it’s about the villain.

Just plain crappy! Are you using English as a second language? Are you over 10 years old? 1*

First, lighten up, folks, most of you couldn't rewrite this story in Russian, so lighten up on the grammar whinging.

Second, it was pretty hard to read with all of the language issues.

Third, it reminds me of Winterfrog's early stories before he became fluent in written English: there is something there in the feelings and the characters that is true and interesting, it's just a little hard to get to. Keep writing, perhaps hook up with an editor to help with the grammar.

Nice touch on the Nights In White Satin refrain, that's a sophisticated narrative approach.

Fuck...i got a headache trying to follow this grammatical minefield! do us a bloody favour...and get an editor...or better still take night classes in written english!

You really need an editor

Finish it

Stilted please work on your editing and spelling.Otherwise good start.

If she let her "friend" talk her into this, she'll probably do it again. I'd talk to a shrink, then a lawyer. Have her get a lie detector test, and hire a PI to watch her skanky ass

You should gate an editor. There are words missing and it sounds line English isn’t your first language. The conclusion is weak. What happened with Sally? Why was Jim working late? There are holes in the story that need to be filled.

It seems to me you are not a native English speaker, that was hard to read at points.

Choose a tense, past or present and stick to it.

Choose a person, 1st, 2nd or 3rd and stick to it.

If you are going to change POV make the changes clear and do NOT switch back to the other one without notice.

Then there is basic grammar and spelling:

1st - put your work aside for at least a few hours, better a few days and then proofread it.

2nd - press F7 on your editor (spellcheck)

3rd - run it through something like Grammarly or Hemmingway.org

4th - find someone to proofread it

5th - make the changes you want from all of the above (don't accept blindly)

And my eyes started bleeding.

Need an editor. Badly.

Have to ask if you wrote this on a phone or tablet and just let it auto corrupt your text? It was all over the place.

Pretty boiler plate story, a bit unusual to have in-laws about at the discovery and instrumental in opening the wife's eyes.

I hope while he's in hospital John grows a set and sorts out the interlopers into his marriage. Jim needs warning off at the very least and Sally and Dave need to be kicked out of their lives and she needs to find out what the hell Tammie's game is.

If chapter 2 is as short as this, you have a lot to tie up.

No ending? What about the reason for Lisa and Bill to be there? No revenge or anything. Story was going great until the end. Part 2???

Good story line, but a little choppy.

You'll get there, it's just a little incoherent, a little messy in making sure the reader has a solider grasp of what's happening at the moment. I think making clearer transitions from scene to scene would help a lot.

You've got to be kidding me!

I think the story is "So far so good" now it needs a second part as it is not finished and unsatisfying at present.

Golly gee, you desperately need someone to tell you how to write a sentence. Have you ever heard of punctuation? It's obvious English isn't your first language, but please give it more effort than what you presented here. BTW, this was a dumb story in every aspect. It's been done a thousand times before, and better.

Sorry, no, just no. Editing still sucks. John is in the middle of telling the story, then you switch to Jill?

where is the rest of the story

One star because I don't like good stories with no ending

Adding song lyrics in the middle of a story is a device that needs to be used very sparingly, or it gets old really fast, like it did here. Although the idea of 'Mood Blues - Nights in WHAT Satin' got a definite laugh.

Good start. Interested in seeing where you go with this. One suggestion. If part 2 is as short as this you should post it all at one time.

To all of you bitching that it's not finished can you read English and comprehend it?? It clearly states at the beginning that this will be two parts.

very weak story and almost no character development, please think ur story a bt more and develpoe it. Find an editor or someone to help u in structure.

The story line was hard to follow, you mixed persons and chronology. Also it seems English is not your native language. So, please get an editor. 2 points is more than deserved.

I will read a part 2 if you do one as I like these kind of stories. Its the usual girl friend says husband is cheating so wife also attempts to cheat.

If it were me and my wife tells me this and admits that had she not been interrupted she would be having sex with that guy the marriage is over. NO trust.

However, at the bar after the phone call it would have been me joining them at the table to get my ring off her finger.

Really confusing and difficult to read. Was this a Google Translate from another language?

That was painful to read. Not because the plot was bad….but rather because it was decent, and was dragged down your constant changing of perspective and terrible English construction.

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Keep trying!

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3 ***

Good part 1 if part 2 is as good it will be 5 stars

I agree that this story badly needs an editor and/or proofreader. After reading OVER for oven, WHAT satin for white satin, and dozens of other spelling and punctuation errors, I had to stop reading. I'm supposed to be immersed in your story, not distracted by all the errors. It's like trying to enjoy a meal while being swarmed by mosquitos.

Not Ready for Prime Time

Incomplete

This story is about what I call: "A Scene of a Marriage". It reflects a period in a marriage. In this case, the end is too open to be even an 'end'. Seems like the author suddenly got tired of writing and repeating the Lyrics of the Moody Blue's song "Night in White Satin" and decided to finish the story right there... The wife is a vain woman with friends trying to derail her marriage. Funny thing, she listened and still listens to them after they pushed her to put her marriage in dire straits. The husband has a self worth issue and adores the self-centered wife. In a marriage, if one of the spouses dates another person than the spouse, that spouse is cheating, regardless if they had sex or not. Now, the wife has messed up her marriage and the husband and the rest of the family will be in turmoil because another man desired her and she cheated. Not much of a story. Any way, thanks for the story. We appreciate the efforts.

Before you write another story, please learn the basics.

As I sit here at the dining room table waiting for my wife of 18 years to come home, my mind is all over the place. First person present tense

I left meatloaf in the over for you," what’s an over?

She walked out of the bar and then walked into the restaurant part right past Jill. Stop and turned around looked right at Jill. Second person, past tense

Jill hoped she would get home and changed before John got home. Third person

Why did I listen to Sally? Back to first person new POV

John thought about what happened to his wife and marriage. The past four weeks have been hard on him. Third person past tense

The writing style seems to indicate English is not your first language, if it is then you’re in for a lot of negative comments down the road.

Syntax is the engine that makes reading a smooth and enjoyable experience, there was none in evidence here.

Perhaps a night school course would be advisable.

Do you dumb shots ever bother to even read the story before making stupid comments? The author stated at the beginning that it was a two part story!

Ignore the ugly, no-talent anonies being nasty. They never wrote a paragraph worth anyone's time to read.

I rather liked quite a bit of the story line, so if you've more stories to tell, please do so. The basic story is the most important part, the mechanics of grammar, syntax, style and spelling can be mechanized. But only a storyteller can make the story line.

As with some others, I suspect that English is not your native language. Don't let that discourage you if you want to continue. Even Vandemonium1 only speaks Australian ;-), and that doesn't stop him from being one of the most respected writers here. If some of the major errors are avoided, those of us who are native English speakers (whether the Queen's English, American English, Canadian, or "strine") will fill in the blanks.

In addition to some helpful comments already made below, about point-of-view and verb tenses (And English is rotten to figure out for some verb tenses), I found it confusing keeping up with who was speaking, or who was quoting another.

The good: This sentence was great, it was clear who was speaking:

"Did you forget it's girl's night tonight? I left meatloaf in the over for you," Jill replied

But not all of your dialogue is that clear. There were times when I shad to work to determine who was speakin.

Last tip: Using italics can help break up things. You might italicize the lyrics to the Moody Blues song, a visual cue to the reader that this part is in a different context. Or when a character is thinking, rather than speaking, as in -> Why did I listen to Sally? Hoping I didn't just blow up my marriage?

That's a thought, unless she's vocalizing it. Using italics can allow you to put in into the middle of a paragraph without breaking things up.

One star because I don't like good stories with no ending

Looks like it was dictated into speech to text software and never cleaned up! Almost unreadable and I still don't know what some passages were meant to say. That being said, I have never written anything and appreciate that people are willing to put themselves out there. Keep trying!

Wow! Please learn the English language!!

Muddled. Get an editor and keep trying.

Keep at it. The writing and re-writing will get better with practice. And do each of the tips that Bebop3 mentioned. I just did.

As most people have already stated, you need to proofread. Let the document sit for a day or two and re-read it prior to submitting. Additionally, the changes in timeline, and perspective were very hard to follow early in the story, mainly due to the fact that you tried to maintain a first-person viewpoint. If you are going to have multiple characters telling their story from the first person, use a very clear demarcation...

Not realistic. Grammar is obviously created by non English speaker. The blatant lies end any actual marriage. Hopefully you have the wake up call of a panic attack makes escape from a bad relationship is required for his health.

There's a good story in here, but unfortunately it's almost unreadable. Get yourself a proofreader to help you out. Think you have some grammar and narrative kinks to work out.

"This story will be a 2-part story. I hope you like it."

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Then use a fucking chapter number!

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As for the writing, it sucks.

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Pick a POV! I'm not referring to when is states "Jill's Side." That's one of the few things you did right, but even then you keep slipping into 1st person from John's POV. For the rest, when it's John's, it's all over the place. Somehow, even when he's not there, he knows what happened and what people are thinking.

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If you can't keep POV straight, write in 3rd person.

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When one paragraph ends with a quotation mark and the very next one starts with a mark, that indicates the character speaking has changed. You wrote Lisa's story at the end as if it was a conversation and not a monologue.

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This is beyond needing a editor, you need to learn basic English.

This needs an actual ending.

You changed perspectives so many times I had a VERY difficult time even following what you were saying. You need to do a serious rewrite for this part alone. Then figure out what the plot is and then you might continue.

A 3 for trying. Are we supposed to finish this in our minds?

Unfinished. No resolution: good or bad. ????

Patton 45: All the negative comments aside, you have a pretty good story here, but it surely needs a lot of work. Your story is a perfect example where writers reluctance to name their location comes back to bite them in the ass. If you had made it clear that English wasn’t your first language to even the meanest intellect I suspect many comments would have been different.

However there are still a lot of comments that contain pure gold. Some have tried to explain, so with your permission I’ll give a few examples:

# Look, I have to run to the store and get stuff for the BBQ. I take JJ to help carry the stuff. I told them about 2. I got up…Should be:

“Look, I have to run to the store and get stuff for the BBQ. I’ll take JJ to help carry the stuff.” I told them about 2… Good rule of thumb—every direct statement must be in quotes.

#Decide at the beginning which point of view you want to use and stick with it. They all have strengths and weaknesses. For example—

1st person POV--The ‘I’ tells the story. You tell it as you were talking with a friend. Strength—easy for reader to relate to the MC—‘I’. Weakness—MC can only know or tell what they personally know, saw, or were told. MUST NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT ANOTHER CHARACTER THINKS.

2ND person POV—The ‘You’ tells the story. Poison for a new writer—stay away from it till you have a lot of stories under your belt.

3rd person POV—writer tells about what happened to one of more characters. Writer can have limited knowledge or can know and tell about everything God would know. Most novelists use this POV.

CAUTION: Don’t try to use too many characters’ POV. Since you must be sure reader knows which character you’re talking about its hard for a new writer to handle over one or two characters, but it’s a very good POV to use.

Okay, end of lecture! You didn’t ask for it, so if I bored you ignore all I have said. If you want to discuss anything further, contact ‘thecarolinadreamer’ by my BIO page.

At any rate, Thanks for the story and GOOD LUCK! cd

WTF was that

What ruined it? It's "The Moody Blues -- Nights In White Satin"...and not: "the Mood Blues night in what satin"...Unforgiven!

Painful to read. You appear to have a story, you are just not telling it in a recognizable fashion. It reads like you are typing it out as you think it up. Incomplete sentences and thoughts, misspellings, unclear transitions between characters speaking. SLOW DOWN. READ, then REREAD your story, then FIX the problems BEFORE SUBMITTING the text.

Confusing as hell and absolutely horrible.

How do you stop a story without an ending?

Did the ending not post or was that it?

This is incomprehensible. My God! What makes you think you have the right to inflict this sort of gibberish upon innocent readers?

She be lost, and I be puzzled; you be a native English speaker? Unless you're a product of the American public school system you probably be not.

You know what is almost as obnoxious as an English author putting lines of a foreign language into the story without any reference or explanation? And author quoting some other author, or lines of poetry, include lyrics from a song. And then repeating them? Those words are somebody else's creation and imagination. Where's yours? Why not just refer us to the series of songs that tell us your story and save yourself the trouble of telling your own story? I have a feeling "Time To Say Goodbye" would fit in here rather well. Or maybe "Your Cheatin' Heart"?

Shouldn't you have included the information somewhere that this is just chapter 1? I presume in chapter 2 you will reveal the incredibly well hidden secret that the husband is not only a cuckold, but he's just dying to get away from the whore. Its that obvious. Hope that was your intent.

Fail. But thanks for the effort. I be sorry if I diss'd you; feel me?

Mixed feelings on this one. First the good.....the storyline works, looking forward to see where it goes. Now the bad....the grammar is atrocious, it's very hard to read and still know exactly what you're trying to say. It kinda reads like English isn't your first language.....and if so, that's fine, but get someone fluent in English to edit.

Decent story, but many spelling and grammatical errors make it very tough to read. Please get some help. Second, the story is not complete by a long shot. What is the evidence of John's cheating? What does Jill do? What will John do? What was going on for those 4 weeks? What about Lisa and Jim? What about Sally and Tamara? You have a lot more story to tell.

Just awful

Unfinished. Hopefully you will finish the story. Not bad but too much left unsaid or done. She intended to cheat…plain and simple. There needs to be some pain on her part. A separation maybe where John finds his balls.

Nights in White Satin never reaching the end.

++ Decent story, but many spelling and grammatical errors make it very tough to read.

I powered through - and I'd like to read the next part, please.

Confused is all I can say. The writing was technically bad with wrong words and awkward phrasing. Plot was not easy to follow although I assume it was a typical LW wife misunderstood husband and is lead astray by a bad influence. Need an editor.

When stories are this short DO NOT use multiple parts. I can forgive the other problems but breaking it up is unforgivable.

Didn't bother to finish reading. Proofread and edit. WTF

"Mood Blues night in what satin" and "So, he got the cougar to asked (sic) her out"

Story was good, but you need an editor to help tidy up your work.

It says this is a two part !! People 22222

Confusing, but good story. Now finish it.

Many errors. Verb tenses, wrong words, terrible sentence structure. This thing is all over the place. Not good work.

Liked it. Don't let Sh**heads discourage you.So you made some mistakes, not everyone is perfect.

The story needs closure, please continue.

This had potential. Then it stopped abruptly, without any ending. Horrible decision. If another chapter was planned, it’s better to close with “to be continued”. As a stand-alone story, it’s awful.

Shame it's not finished as I was enjoying it mistakes and all love to know the ending . 👍

I’m not sure there were two grammatically correct, or understandable sentences in a row in the entire story. Virtually unreadable.

83 comments on a shit story? Why does Literotica allow illiterate authors to post? The sentence structure was terrible. Gave up reading after half a page. MonsieurX said it all. And to think some actually wanted this to continue. I had to laugh at "beanburnerr69". Some mistakes? Not everyone is perfect? Please where did you get your education? Where is this author's pride? For heaven's sake, get yourself an editor. Aren't you ashamed to let the world know you didn't finish grade school?

MonsieurX It is quite possible you might even be correct. However even a supercilious arse-hole like yourself has to admit he has done more than you would ever dare to do by actually spending his time writing the tale! A feat that obviously is far beyond you own feeble mental capacity.

Sorry folks but these a-holes are driving too many potentially good writers away from the hobby. DC

It had potential but seriously needs a good editor to get things in order.

Evah_Rheddy

Go learn how to write before posting anything else

Get an editor for God's sake

Good try at writing. Get an editor soon. John is kind of wimpy...

Your a new writer so here is some advise.. DO NOT start a story if you are not prepared to finish it. Try to be as realistic as possible. Best fiction is believable. I do not know if your writing/views shows a big generation gap/difference. In mine a man/husband would not have walked out of that restaurant to go home and go thru the 'why me,why me' scenario, then cry through her explanations. Any man?/husband like that does not deserve any respect nor a decent wife. In real life he would have addressed the issue right there and there in the restaurant,with both of them.. Having given my opinion, I applaud effort. JZK

Please get an editor.

I love that song "nights in what satin" : )---

I gave up shortly after 'Mood Blues night in what satin' when the text slipped suddenly from first person to third person and back again.

If you are intending to continue writing, I strongly suggest you take some lessons in how to write basic English. Your sentence structure is poor (at best), you seem to have little idea about punctuation and your characters are apparently incapable of speaking like normal people. I see that you have written two stories. If I were you I would stop now.

Pathetic grammar! ⭐️⭐️

What the fuck jumble of words did I just try ro read? Never again

It made no sense

You need to proofread your work and outline your story before writing it. There was no coherent arc and

no ending. Keep practicing.

finish the story!!

Oh isn't this just dandy. Another writer who can't finish a story. JPB is the worst, but there are so many others. You seem to be headed in that direction. 1 star is generous for this.

…who doesn’t re-read or edit. One who spews word salad all over the page and expects the reader to try to make sense of it.

Please get an editor, or better yet, desist.