Not IN Love Ch. 13

Disclaimer:

This is a fictitious story. All characters are fictitious and any resemblance to real people is coincidence. Do not take any information in this story as health advice.

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Joe was excited but also apprehensive. He had just received a text message from Lucy. She had just handed in her very last assignment. No more uni until graduation. Her last assignment was just a technicality. Her grades were so good that she would still pass even if she handed in a blank piece of paper with just her name and identification number on it for this last assignment. However, Lucy was competitive. She had always done her best which usually resulted in her being top of her class. This last assignment was no different but, it was her LAST assignment so she was celebrating by catching an earlier train home. That is what her text told Joe so he was just finishing off some work and then going to clean up his home in preparation for her arrival.

He was apprehensive because Lucy had made it quite clear that Joe would be her boyfriend until someone better came along or until it was time for her to move on with her career. He didn't really mind. They were not IN love with each other. He loved her as a person, they were really good friends and the sex was fantastic. Anyway, he had some of the best cannabis that he'd ever tried and so he intended to party with Lucy until they parted.

Joe had just finished lunch and was still in his overalls when he heard the door bell ring. He answered the door and Tom was standing there. Joe said, "Tom, how's it going? Come in but I'm a bit busy so can we talk while I finish a few things?"

Tom still stood in the doorway and said, "Mum wants to see you now."

"Ah," said Joe, "Can it wait? I'm just trying to finish off a few things."

"She needs to see you now," insisted Tom.

"Is everything okay?" asked Joe with concern.

"I'll let mum tell you," answered Tom, "Come on. I'll drive you."

When they arrived at Jenny's home she was sitting on the old leather lounge in the sun room. She had obviously been crying. Joe knelt next to her and said, "Don't worry, Everything will be okay," and gave her a hug.

Jenny collapsed into Joe's arms and instantly felt relieved. She now felt like she could cope and everything was going to be okay. She looked at Joe and said, "The police were here."

"Okay," responded Joe, "I've got a very good lawyer. You know him, Tony Rudd. He's the best in town and he knows other out of town lawyers if he needs them. What's the problem?"

Jenny looked into Joe's eyes and wondered how she was going to tell him. She decided that she would just say it all in one go. She blurted out, "Lucy's dead. She was hit by a truck as she was going to the railway station."

Joe moved a bit away from Jenny and asked, "Our Lucy?" Jenny nodded her head as she closely watching his reactions.

"Are they sure?" asked Joe.

"Pretty sure," answered Jenny, "They found her identification on the body.

"They are investigating that the truck driver may have been speeding but, it doesn't look like that's the case."

"Maybe it's someone else?" suggested Joe. Jenny raised her eyebrows at Joe so he said, "I'm in denial aren't I?" Jenny nodded.

Joe then did a mental analysis of the different stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. He needed to overcome his denial.

Jenny said, "They've asked me to identify the body."

Joe looked at Jenny and said, "I'll come with you. I'll drive you there or we can take turns driving?" The last phrase he said to Tom.

Tom replied, "Shelly's in hospital. I... I have to be near her."

"If course you do," answered Jenny, "The love between husband and wife is what keeps them together. You need to be there for her in her time of need. There is no other choice. Family will always be there for you whether you are or not. You can always come back to family but you have to always be available for your wife.

"You stay with Shelly. Joe and I will go to the morgue. There's no need for all of us to go and especially when Shelly is sick. She needs you."

Joe asked, "What's happened to Shelly?"

"She's had a miscarriage," answered Tom, "She's stable but traumatised."

Joe sighed and said, "Please tell her that my thoughts are with her. She's a strong woman. She'll get through this. What about you?"

"I'm fine," answered Tom. He didn't say that he wasn't ready to be a father and that the pregnancy was an accident so the miscarriage was a relief to him.

Joe stood up and paced a bit and then he said, "We'll leave tomorrow morning. Is that early enough to go to the morgue?"

"Yes," answered Jenny, "I was going to suggest the same timing.

"Joe, are you sure you want to go? I can go by myself."

"No," answered Joe, "I'll go with you. It'll help me process denial if I help identify Lucy. If that's okay with you?"

"Yes of course," answered Jenny, "I was hoping that you would offer to accompany me."

Tom asked, "You're not taking the Volvo are you? It's a bit old for a long trip."

"No," answered Joe, "We'll take the E-Trip if that's alright with you Jenny? We can easily fit a couple of overnight bags in the back."

"Yes, I agree. The E-Trip would be better than the Volvo," agreed Jenny.

"Do you want me to stay here tonight?" asked Joe.

"Yes please," answered Jenny, "I think it'll help both of us cope," Joe nodded.

"Thanks Joe," said Tom, "you're a good man. I..."

Joe interrupted, "It's fine Tom. You need to stay with Shelly. She had become really good friends with Lucy so she'll also be upset. You stay here and support your wife. I'll help Jenny. We'll all get through this together."

Tom said, "Yes. The doctors think that hearing about Lucy's demise may have contributed to the miscarriage. She'll probably need to spend some time in hospital recovering from the shock of Lucy's... and the miscarriage."

Jenny gave Tom a hug and said, "Give her my love and get the best help you can. I'll pay for anything that she needs. Counselling, treatment, the lot, okay?"

"Thanks mum. I'll do that," replied Tom. He gave Jenny a hug and left.

Jenny wanted to cuddle Joe but he still had on his dirty overalls. She went to her bedroom and returned with the diaphanous dressing gown that he often wore in the mornings when he stayed with her. She said, "Don't dirty my furniture with those overalls. You can put this on."

Joe took off his shoes and his overalls. He folded the overalls intricately so that they were inside out and a tidy, tight package. He placed them and his shoes at the back door. He then put on the negligee. Jenny gave him some slippers to wear and he put those on. He then sat next to Jenny on the old, leather lounge.

Jenny cuddled Joe and it helped her cope. Joe said, "Let's order some home delivery for dinner and then get an early night."

"Okay," agreed Jenny.

Jenny leant into Joe on the couch and Joe wrapped his arms around her. Jenny felt her tension drift away and asked, "Do you know what your cuddles feel like? Can you feel what the person feels when you cuddle them?"

"No," answered Joe, "I let my energy release into them but I don't feel what they feel."

Jenny looked at Joe, caressed his cheek and said, "You poor thing. It's the most wonderful feeling and yet you don't feel it yourself. What are you feeling right now?"

"Oh, um, I suppose this is a good time for mindfulness," answered Joe. He closed his eyes and prepared for self analysis as he said, "Let's see:

"I feel that... I'm in denial. I'm not willing to accept that Lucy is dead. I'm hoping that we get to the morgue and you say, 'That's not Lucy,' but, if that's the case, where is Lucy now? The train would have been here ages ago. Why hasn't she rung me and said, 'Why haven't you picked me up,' but that hasn't happened so it's very likely that Lucy is dead and we'll find that out for sure tomorrow.

"Now I feel sad because I'm almost accepting that Lucy is dead.

"Anger: Do I feel angry? That truck driver should have stopped, but we don't know what happened. Maybe he did try to stop. Maybe it wasn't his or her fault? Now I'm angry because why didn't Lucy look before crossing the road? We won't know any of that until the coroner's report is released.

"I knew Lucy would soon leave me. I just didn't expect it to be this way. She's just finishing her course and once that's done, she would go somewhere and develop her career. I don't expect that there is much demand for anthropologists in this town. She'd probably go to some archaeological site or museum and fall for the most beautiful person there. I thought that she'd come back here, now and then, to tell you of her adventures and catch up with old friends like me. I expect that we would stay good friends and we'd spend time together when she visited.

"So how does that differ to her leaving me by dying?" Joe sighed, "I wouldn't be in denial because we've known it's going to happen. I wouldn't be angry because I know Lucy would've left me anyway. I guess it's a big shock for this to happen without warning. Yes, that's a jolt to the mind...

"Step three, bargaining: I don't believe in God so I have nothing to bargain with. I guess if in the case of Lucy leaving me, I may have tried bargaining with her to stay, but that's unlikely because we've know for years that we were going to separate, so it's futile for me to expect her to stay with me.

"Depression: why am I sad? I'm sad because Lucy will no longer be with me to make my life happier, but she doesn't make me happy. I make myself happy or sad. It's my response to the situation and her personality, actions, beauty, etcetera, that makes me happy. If Lucy left me, then I may have chances to see her from time to time and I imagine that those would be happier times, but if she's dead, then that is no longer going to happen... That is sad. I'm sad for what I'VE lost, not because of what Lucy has lost. I suppose that's selfish.

"Finally acceptance: I can't accept my grief because I haven't yet overcome my denial. That's not going to happen until we confirm it's Lucy's body at the morgue. If it is Lucy, then I've already gone through the other steps so I'm likely to get over her death very quickly.

"That's what I'm feeling," concluded Joe. He then sighed and looked at Jenny.

Jenny had tears in her eyes and when Joe saw those he asked, "Are you okay? Did I upset you?"

"Yes... yes I'm okay," answered Jenny, "Your self analysis hasn't upset me. On the contrary it has helped me. I... reflected on those things as you said them and... I see that I'm grieving for MY loss, not Lucy's. Funny that, is that selfish?"

"We have no way of understanding what other people think. I also grieve for my loss. I imagine everybody does, but they won't admit it. It is selfish but I think that everyone is like that," answered Joe.

Jenny was thoughtful for a while. She realised that she had accepted Lucy's death thanks to Joe's self analysis. She felt herself pass through each of those stages as Joe mentioned them. Joe appeared to reject that Lucy was in the morgue. Jenny was fairly certain of it. She had the same feeling when she was told that Dan had died. She would be shocked if it wasn't Lucy's body in the morgue so she appeared to accept Lucy's death more so than Joe. Especially after thinking about her own feelings whilst hearing Joe's self analysis.

"Excuse me," said Jenny as she stood up and went to her bedroom. She returned a little while later with two medicine bottles. She handed them to Joe and said, "Dan wanted you to have these."

Joe looked at the bottles and asked, "Why now?"

"I didn't want to give them to you but now I do, because... I want to try them," answered Jenny.

Joe read the label and said, "Cannabis oil?"

"Yes," answered Jenny, "I'm assuming that you use cannabis and that Dan also knew. That's why he wanted you to have these."

Joe was in no mood to lie so he said, "Yes, Dan and I used to partake. Didn't you know?"

"No," answered Jenny, "I guess I'm too naive to notice the signs. Both you and he never seemed drugged when I saw you. You both seemed happy most of the time."

"I take many different drugs: Panadol and ibuprofen for pain, cannabis for recreational use, alcohol for social activities and even steroids for hormone imbalance," said Joe.

"I've read up on cannabis," said Jenny, "Apparently it's not as bad as we've been led to believe. It's been used for thousands of years and has only been illegal since the 1950's because the USA made it illegal and for no real, logical reason. That was really surprising to me. My mind has been tainted by all the government's rhetoric, well, propaganda really, but I fell for it being as naive as I am.

"Anyway, it's now legal here and I see that it is beneficial for pain relief and appetite. That's why it was prescribed for Dan.

"What's it like?"

"Oh, um..." stumbled Joe, "Well, from my experience, it does help with pain relief and sometimes I certainly get the munchies. I find that I often laugh a lot at silly things. Um, I like listening to music, watching TV shows and movies, playing games and socialising when stoned... It's a very mellow feeling. I'm usually very relaxed when stoned."

"Does it make you forget?" asked Jenny, "You know, short term memory loss?"

"It does for me if I take a lot," answered Joe.

"I want to try it now. I want to temporarily forget," said Jenny. She shook three capsules out of one of the medicine bottles and put them in her mouth before Joe could stop her.

Joe said, "Wait a moment Jen. That might be too much."

Jenny said, "That's how much Dan took and he was alright."

"But he was in a lot of pain and was used to it Jen," said Joe. Jenny swallowed.

Joe sighed, "Well, that's settled."

"Aren't you going to join me?" asked Jenny.

"I suppose so," answered Joe as he shook out three capsules.

"You don't have to," said Jenny, "Will I go crazy?"

"Probably," answered Joe, "You'll run around stabbing people and chopping them up into little pieces."

"Oh!" exclaimed Jenny and then, "You arsehole," and pinched Joe when she realised he was joking.

"Down the hatch," said Joe as he swallowed the three capsules.

Jenny asked, "Cuddle please," Jenny relished the feeling that she experienced when Joe cuddled her. The energy that rushed through her made her feel that she could face anything.

Jenny said, "I don't think that it's working."

"What's not working?" asked Joe.

"The cannabis," answered Jenny.

Joe laughed and said, "We only just took it. Give it half an hour to an hour."

"Oh," replied Jenny.

Joe said, "We'd better order pizza before we forget," so they ordered home delivery for 6pm. Joe retrieved enough money from his wallet in his overalls to pay for the two pizzas with a small tip. He put the money into the pocket of the negligee that he was wearing.

Some time later Jenny started to giggle at nothing and Joe just let her ease into being stoned. He suggested that they watch some trivial show on TV and Jenny agreed to do so.

Jenny was sitting on the lounge in Joe's arms. She was staring at the TV. She realised that she had no idea what she was watching. She asked Joe, "Is this what we were watching before?"

"Before what?"asked Joe.

"Before... when we... after... you know," answered Jenny.

Joe said, "blat, blurt, oo, bah..." and started shaking his head and flapping his jowls as he continued making incomprehensible noises.

Jenny laughed and said, "You're so funny."

"Am I?" asked Joe, "or... are you just laughing AT me? Or are you just laughing for no reason at all?"

Jenny just stared at Joe and said, "I don't know," It was Joe's turn to laugh.

Jenny looked at Joe and said, "Look at your eyes!"

Joe crossed his eyes and then asked, "How?"

Jenny laughed and said, "I don't know, but they don't look well."

"That's good because it looks the same on this side. I was getting worried," said Joe.

Jenny frowned for a moment trying to comprehend what Joe said. She then burst out laughing when she had worked it out. She said, "You're so funny," and caressed his arm.

"Ah... didn't you just say that?" asked Joe.

Jenny looked at Joe and said, "I think I might have," she looked worried.

Joe said, "It doesn't matter because you've probably said it on at least one previous occasion. It's something people often say. Except really cranky people," he stared at Jenny as if she was a cranky person.

Jenny said, "I'm not cranky."

"You sound cranky," said Joe.

"No, I'm not cranky. I'm just upset because you said I was cranky," said Jenny defensively.

"I didn't say you were cranky," said Joe.

"You implied it," suggested Jenny.

"I didn't," replied Joe.

"You did so," said Jenny.

"I never," answered Joe, trying to hide a smile.

"Oh now you're just doing some stupid Monty Python thing," pouted Jenny, "You're just trying to confuse me."

"I don't think that you need help with that," replied Joe.

"Are you saying I'm stupid?" asked Jenny.

"Never! Not one tiny bit. You are definitely NOT stupid," answered Joe. Jenny smiled and cuddled up to Joe again, "Cranky maybe but not stupid," said Joe under his breath as he tried to stifle a laugh.

"Bastard!" exclaimed Jenny and punched Joe on the arm as she laughed.

"Ow!" complained Joe, "Now we see the violence inherited in the system."

"Shut up!" said Jenny as she mimicked shaking Joe.

Joe wobbled around in her hands and said, "Help! help! I'm being repressed!"

Jenny started laughing and couldn't stop. She managed to say in-between breaths, "Please... stop," as tears ran down her face.

Joe decided that she'd had enough so he cuddled her and tried to calm her down. Eventually Jenny stopped laughing.

Joe said, "Why don't we turn off the TV and listen to some music?"

"Okay," answered Jenny.

Joe turned off the TV and started playing some Pink Floyd. He turned up the volume to appreciate the intricacies of the music. After some time, Jenny asked, "Is this Pink Floyd?"

"Yes." answered Joe.

"But it's so good," replied Jenny.

"Yes," answered Joe.

"The little bits like tinkling and that note that goes on for so long," said Jenny

"Yes," said Joe.

"I've never really appreciated this music before. It's perfect," said Jenny.

"Yes," said Joe.

"Does all music sound this good when you're stoned?" asked Jenny.

"Only good music," answered Joe.

"Oh, I see," said Jenny. She laid down on the lounge with her head on its arm. She put her legs onto Joe's lap and once comfortable, listened to the music.

After what seemed like hours of listening to music, Jenny opened her eyes and looked at Joe. He was sitting under her knees with one hand on her belly and one on her right shin. His eyes were closed and his head was tilted back and resting on the back of the lounge. She said, "Joe?"

Joe tried to lift his head but it went past the vertical and stopped when his chin rested on his chest. He tried again and this time managed to stop his head in the vertical position. He turned his head to face Jenny. He tried to open his eyes but only managed to open one eye and it was a tiny slit between eyelids. He slurred, "Yes?"

Jenny tried to laugh but it was too much effort. She said, "Are we going to die?"

"Yes," answered Joe.

After a while, Jenny said, "There's no-one in the world that I'd rather die with than you."

Joe tried to open both eyes but only managed to open his other eye with the forfeit of having to close the first. He said, "Are you thinking of taking me with you?"

"You just said that we were going to die," answered Jenny.

"Yes, everybody dies, but there's only a very slight chance that we will die today," answered Joe.

"Aren't we overdosing?" asked Jenny.

"No-one has ever died of an overdoes of cannabis," answered Joe.