Not in That Way Ch. 05

"I want to be with you, but I can't help but feel like you deserve so much better than I could ever offer."

"Where does that leave us, Gabe? We can't just go back to normal- not with everything that's been shared.""

"I'm trying." He says, gripping onto my hands, "I'm trying to move past that fucked up shit all those years ago and be the guy who deserves you."

He sinks his head down, "But I'm scared. I've always been scared."

He's pleading in front of me, begging for me to not give up on him. Part of me thinks we'd both be better off if we tried to forget about each other.

But it's Gabe. It's the boy I've been in love with for nine years telling me that he has feelings for me too. It's messy and this whole thing is fucked up, but deep down I understand why things had to be the way they were.

I reach up and pull his face back up, pressing my forehead against his. "I'm scared too."

Eventually the cold sets in and we go back down to his apartment. We're silent, but I catch him looking back every so often, making sure I'm still following him.

We make it back to his place and I grab the empty totes from his counter, thinking that we've said all that could have been said tonight.

I turn, ready to reach for the door when I hear his voice. "Dust." He says softly, "Don't leave." He reaches for my hand and I can feel him rubbing his thumb against my palm.

"Please stay with me."

I want to tell him no. I want to tell him that all of this is too confusing- that there was so much said tonight and that I need to be alone to process it.

But I also want to stay.

I nod as he reaches over and turns off the overhead light. He leads us into his room and I watch as he strips out of his clothes, leaving only his pair of boxers. I know that's how he sleeps and I know that I can't possibly fall asleep wearing as much clothes as I am. So I strip too, seeing him take in my body like he's seeing me in a new light. We stand there across each other from the bed as he slips in, and I follow him. I face the wall after drawing an invisible line that I tell myself not to cross.

In all our years of friendship, we've never slept in the same bed together. Even when we were in high school and before I knew he was gay, I always found a way to avoid it. It always just felt too intimate, and I couldn't allow myself to get confused at one-sided moments like that.

Gabe throws all that out the window. He comes up behind me and I can feel his arms surround my body. I can feel the warmth of his flesh and the soft hitches in his breath after having cried earlier.

"Is this okay?" He asks with his breath on my neck.

"Yeah" I reply, not caring about anything else except the lack of space between us.

"Good night Dust." He says to me, before falling asleep. I listen to his breathing for a bit and press my back further into his as his fingers interlock at my chest. It feels good- too fucking good- like this. And after a few seconds, I'm knocked out too.

For the first time in nine years, I can't hear that clock ticking anymore.