Not Likely

"I hope the bitch is rich because you're going to get socked with a large amount of child support. I'm having twins."

I got a flash picture in my mind of my bank statement. Child support for two kids. I will have to start delivering pizza at night. "I don't know what to say."

"I've thought about this a lot the last couple of day. I have a proposal for you. You will hate it I'm sure, but you may like the alternative even less. I don't want to have this baby alone. Allison and mother can help, but I want my husband, the babies' father to be here for me. I propose you move in with me and mother to save your apartment expenses. As you remember, my mother has a large house. You can stay in the guest room. You would have to share a bathroom with me. We share household chores just like we did before you left. That will put us in better financial shape regardless of what happens after."

"What about the divorce?"

"I checked with my lawyer. If we both agree, we can get a six months' delay in the final decree. By then, you'll know the kids are yours and you can make a decision to run away again or not."

"I didn't run away. I escaped." I paused. "Let me think about it and get back to you."

"In the interests of full disclosure, I need to stay on your health insurance. I can't get new health coverage if I am pregnant at time of application."

"That actually makes me feel better. I was afraid you might be trying to convince me you wanted my back because you loved me."

"Bastard!"

"Bitch!"

Guess how my date with Marci went that night. "Oh, my goodness, Rick. What happened? You look like your dog died."

"Close. It was Clarice's rabbit."

"Huh? Oh, no. She's pregnant?"

"Yep."

"Is it yours?"

"Thank you for not automatically thinking it was. The truth is, I don't know. It depends on how unfaithful she was right before I left. Technically, it's possible."

"What are you going to do?"

"Right now, it's between suicide and running away. Of course, I could run away and commit suicide."

"Rick, I know you better than that. You're not the man I think you are if you did either of those things. When will you know for sure?"

"About five more months. Knowing Clarice, she will not agree to a DNA testing before they are born. Too dangerous to the fetuses."

"They?"

"Yeah, she's having twins."

"My goodness, can things get more complicated?"

"Please don't tempt Murphy to make my life any worse. Can we enjoy dinner and talk about something other than my misery?"

"We can try."

We tried. We failed. There was a herd of elephants in the room. I took her home after dinner. I kissed her gently on the lips. I had given up long ago about being able to go any further with her.

"Rick, I will pray for you. I hope you understand that I can't become involved with you until your situation is resolved. If the twins aren't yours and you do get divorced, please call me first. I sincerely think we make a good couple."

My decision was made for me by my car's transmission. $2000 to get it fixed. $2000 I didn't have to spare. I called Clarice and agreed to move in and consolidate living quarters. I caught a break (Yeah for the home team) and did not have to pay for breaking my lease. My landlady was a softie and almost cried when I told her the situation I was in. Hey, my tears were real, mostly.

I was awkward at first reestablishing a household routine with a woman who I had lived with before she was pregnant. She was a hormonal mess now. Cravings, grumpy, weepy, horny and so on. I couldn't deny her in bed. It was difficult to say, "Please stop sucking my dick, dear although it feels really good." I started doing more oral and anal sex with her when we couldn't have regular sex. I decided that if by some miracle/disaster we wound up staying married, oral and anal would be on the main menu. Although we did have sex, we did not exchange words of love. There were plenty of: "Oh my gods," "Wow, that felt greats," and "That was the best evers."

Finally, the day arrived. There was double tension in the air: safe delivery and parentage. As typical, the twins arrived early and a little underweight. I saw the little girl come out first. She looked a lot like Clarice. When the little boy came out, Clarice saw the look on my face. I ran out of the delivery room. The boy was obviously part African-American. I went to the house and packed. While thinking of where I could go, I got a phone call. The doctor was ready to take my DNA to compare with the twins. I got a twinge of 'just to be sure' and agreed to be right there. I went back to the hospital. Clarice was in bed with one baby on one side and one on the other. She was crying. "It was the male stripper at the bachelorette party. I was drunk and several of the girls had been giving them blowjobs. I was so turned on by his huge penis that I dropped my panties and turned around so he could take me from behind."

"You mean the reason you were so wet that night was because I was getting sloppy seconds?"

"Yes. I'm so ashamed."

"But I thought that Geneva was watching after you?"

"Well, I think I said that I didn't do anything she didn't do. She and her husband are still in marital counseling. Please don't tell anyone."

"Well, I guess I should stay long enough to see you can make it home okay. It'll take that long to get the DNA testing done."

"You're not going to stay? Look at these beautiful babies. They need a good father. Why can't you be that father?"

"Because they were probably not made with my sperm.

"Then get out. I'll make it without you, asshole."

I left. I took a few more days in deciding where to move to. My landlady had an apartment open, smaller but cheaper. One trip to the apartment and one to the storage unit. This is one of those instances where karma was supposed to benefit me and have my boss offer me a position in another state. No such luck. He said I was lucky to keep the job I had.

I got a call from the hospital. I assumed it was to tell me that Clarice was ready to go home. They said she had already gone home. The call was about the DNA test. The doctor said he normally gave the results in person, but he was about to leave for two weeks and figured I wanted the results before then. DUH!

I jumped the gun and asked, "Are they mine or someone else's?"

He answered, "Well, yes and no."

"What the fuck? Sorry, please explain."

"As you know they are fraternal twins. It is very rare, but some fraternal twins have different fathers. It means that the sperm of two men were inserted into the womb of the mother at approximately the same time. The only ones I have seen before was in the case of a gangrape. You are the father of the girl. I don't have a matching DNA from the father of the boy."

"Thanks." This was worth getting drunk over.

I called Clarice, but she didn't answer. I called her mother. She said that Clarice was staying there again. My first reaction was, "How convenient for Darren." She told Clarice to come to the phone.

"Rick?"

"Clarice, I just got a call from the DNA doctor."

She was crying, "Me too. What are we going to do?"

"It seems to me you have two choices. Put the boy up for adoption and we keep the girl, or you keep both and I will send as much money as I can."

"I can't give my son away. Why can't you accept him too?"

"He's not my son. I won't raise another man's son."

"Rick, if when we first met, I had been previously married and was the single parent of a young boy, would you have not married me? Wouldn't you have accepted both of us? Technically, you would have been raising another man's child then. I will not give up my child."

"But you wouldn't have been married to me when you had your son by another man. I'm not going to play hypothetical games. I guess you've chosen then. I will add child support for the girl to . . . "

"Her name is Elaine. His name is Jacob."

"I will add child support and visitation for Elaine to the settlement, but not for Jacob."

She hung up.

I had made sure that the birth certificate for Elaine had my name as father and Unknown father for Jacob.

Clarice and the babies moved in with her mother indefinitely. Darren took off to parts unknown. Her mother said her favorite dildo contributed more than Darren had. I visited every time I was scheduled. Elaine and I bonded, and she usually cried when I left. Jacob cried too because his sister was crying.

As Elaine got older the variety of activities we could do together increased. Several times I went to take her out and had to tell Jacob we could not take him. He cried, "Daddy, take me." It broke his heart and mine also, but I would not give in. I told him I was not his daddy, so I couldn't take him. When they were almost four, Elaine asked me why her brother couldn't go with us. I told her why. She didn't buy it.

"If Jacob can't go, I won't go." No amount of negotiation or bribing worked. She was as stubborn as her father. I left in tears by myself.

Visitations resumed with me going to Clarice and her mother's house only. I conceded to playing with both Elaine and Jacob at the same time. A new routine was established, and I began to get comfortable with the arrangement. Cue Murphy.

Clarice got deathly ill and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. She was not on my health insurance and she had not been able to afford her own. Her mother had no emergency funds and was beginning to show signs of early onset dementia. While in the hospital, Clarice made the decision to place Jacob for adoption and asked me to take primary custody for Elaine. I agreed only on the condition that Elaine be returned to her whenever she felt able.

The physical recovery, her mother's mental deterioration, and her overall depression for having to give Jacob up for adoption took a toll on Clarice. I brought Elaine by often, but I wondered if the sad partings were worse for them both than staying away. I came to the conclusion that Clarice was going to die too soon if something didn't happen. I prayed more than I ever had before. I got an answer.

Three months later, I was scheduled to bring Elaine over for a visit. Clarice looked like death warmed over. She was a good 30 pounds lighter than when we were married. I asked her to take care of Elaine for a minute. I had a quick errand to run. When I came back, Clarice was taking some food to her mother and Elaine was playing in the living room. Elaine started screaming and screaming when I came in. Clarice came running into the living room, looked at me and fainted.

When she came to, she was looking up at two faces: Elaine and Jacob. She cried and hugged both with all the strength she had. Clarice looked me and said, "How?"

"Jacob has been adopted. I got permission to bring him over. I thought you would like to see him."

"Oh, Rick. That is the nicest thing you could have done for me. Thank you. Thank you. Come here Jacob and let me see how much you've grown."

I stayed back and let the three of them catch up. After a while, Clarice asked, "How long will his new parents allow him to visit me today?"

"I'm not sure. Let me call." I dialed a number. Clarice's phone went off. She answered.

I said, "I understand you want to know how long Jacob can stay. That's up to you."

By now Clarice had caught on. "You? How could you have pulled it off? Oh, Rick does this mean that we . . ." She ran into my arms and flooded my shoulder. "I love you even if you are the meanest bastard in the world."

"Language, mommy. Language." We laughed at Elaine.

"I kept thinking about the time you asked me if I would have accepted a child of yours if we had married after you had divorced the father. I kept realizing that I would have. I would have raised that kid as my own and not thought twice about it. Once I realized what a hypocrite I was, I checked with social services. He was a special needs adoption child because of being bi-racial so I got fast tracked into being approved for adoption. Today is his first day as my son. Actually, we still have to go to court to make it official. When I picked him up at the state adoption agency, the worker there asked Jacob who I was. He said, "That's my daddy. He's Elaine's daddy too."

We all cried and started making plans. I think Clarice ate more that night than she had in a week. Everything about her improved and quickly. Her doctor was pleasantly surprised at her next checkup and removed her from several medications. Before long we had established a new routine for the five of us. My boss got fired and I was promoted to his position. That allowed Clarice to stay at home to take care of her mother while the twins were in school. In a few years, Clarice's mother died.

After the funeral, Clarice and I took a moment alone. "Well, sweetheart, there are only the four of us now. It's time you chose a reward for yourself. What would you like to do, Clarice, if you could do anything?"

"Other than correct some bonehead mistakes earlier in my life, there is only one thing I want I don't have now -- another child."

"But you had a hysterectomy. You can't have another child."

"You didn't have a uterus even and you got to have a child. We can adopt another child."

"I have a big question about doing that."

"Which is?"

"Only one?"

Murphy -- go suck an egg.