All Comments on 'Not This Time'

Good but finished too abruptly.

Please unjumble ur thoughts before u put them to words…thinking and writing are two different ball games! The premise was good…but the writing screwed!!!

Very nice take on that theme. Hopefully all three of them end up poorer and spend several years as guests of the state.

Interesting story line pretty much ruined by the stiff delivery and poor writing. "See Dick run". Not good,

Written by someone who got cuckolded and didn't stop anything, write some more fantasies of what you couldve done buddy, what a loser

Better than most.

But honestly, waaasy to contrived.

Was it proof read at all?

It was a good effort, but writing multiple characters in the first person made it confusing when you switched scenes. Stick with one person if you're using first person and tell the story from their perspective.

would have been nice if this was taken a bit further

A not unusual, but still interesting, scenario about a woman being forced to do something naughty at work. But you kind of lost me with the 95K salary, with no comment about the CEO level paycheck. Later I simply lost track of what was going on as too many lines were unattributed as to the speaker and it is just a jumble. I do like to encourage new writers to the fold, but suggest you take advantage of one of the free Volunteer Editors. They are not overworked by any means.

Fire your editor.

Disjointed. You need an editor, or to at least read it yourself before posting. If this sounded good to you, you need to sue your English teachers for failure to educate.

A little hard to follow the timeline. Why would Richard think she was pregnant? You never said anything about them having sex. If she had sex just to keep up the appearance that Richard was in control, I would have likely divorced her if I was Paul. Just what did she do with Richard? This part was confusing. Also, how does the FBI get an investigation done and arrest warrants in a matter of a few days?

Was ok but felt flat. He never really confronted her and slut clothes for work and gifts? They didnt say hell no?

You should consider asking your "editor" for a refund.

poorly written.

Nice try but left a lot to be desired.

Ordinary, scores 3/5

This was simply unbelievable from the start because there are simply way too many plot holes. I am not going to drag you hard but I will write two things. Paul's parents is what made it unbelievable. Where is the mother? Paul's dad was so grief-stricken that he died but Paul never found out why? Uh huh. Also the fake pictures and the mayonnaise. If the livingstons will go as far as blackmail, surveillance etc then raping Maddie while unconscious isn't a stretch. That she didn't smell like sex nor does Mayo have the same odor as semen... it would be pretty obvious. She was only out 3 hours.

I should have wrote this. Your writing isn't terrible and you can construct a plot. You have promise just remember that if you want your audience to suspend disbelief for outrageous stories, your plot must be able to be defended. Keep writing.

Very sloppily written. It's hard to believe that this story was edited. 1*

EDITOR

Damn!! You were doing so good in the buildup. Your finish seemed rushed, almost garbled. Richard's surprise at being sandbagged at the end was not explored nor that of the other two at the table. What about the board of directors? Did "Bubba" enjoy his new cellmate? Was Amy enslaved? More dialog between Paul and Richard that night would have put more meat on the bones. For a first time submission it was really good in the technical and outline. You just need to make the story flow a bit smoother and fill in the gaps a little more. Still, rating it a 4 and hoping you will write again.

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Great Start! Keep it up! 5

Please send your editor back to editing school. Quotation marks scattered randomly, unneeded capitalization of nothing, erc.

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No way would pay the delivery guy $100 to go away. He gives me the package or take it with him and leave.

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"Doug, something's not right, but I can't put my finger on it" - LOL, even without reading LW, wife comes home out of it, blouse mis-buttoned, button missing and "white" stains, and he doesn't suspect the obvious?

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Of course he doesn't tell her that he's seen the pictures and that they're fake, and she doesn't have to submit to the blackmail.

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Pregnant by Richard? Nothing's been said about them having sex beyond the fake blowjob pictures.

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Not even worth a "Meh."

Another wasted first effort. 1*

But the ending was rushed. You need to get an Editor.

Not bad at least the husband took action.

Better than average.

Great story.... pathetic ending.

Suxh a great build up of the story, including the back story about his father, and then bam... 3 sentences later and the story is over. There should have been the embarasment of the father and son at the event.

You could‘ve made more out of this story. The overall idea was interesting but the outcome was too harsh and short. Also, there should‘ve been an epiloge about what happend to the offenders.

It needs some work, but you'll get there. A good first effort.

Horribly written

If this really is your first entry, I don't want to discourage you. BUT... get rid of your editor, SoNoCo95404. The editing is a disgrace. There are so many wording and sentence errors that it is a mess. Plus, the story is so convoluted it simply doesn't make sense in many areas.

The basic premise was interesting: Boss wants an employee and manipulates the situation to the new wife's detriment. Also, he wants to cuck the husband and we learn that his father had done it with the employee's husbands mother. Why, exactly. Credibility gets stretched very quickly. Then the husband's friends just happen to be FBI and surveillance experts. Better luck with the next one but keep at it.

Dad blackmails his mom into sex and now his son does it to him and his wife? Mayonnaise? Oh come on. Take us readers a <little> seriously at least. 3 stars for this first effort and keep at it please. And find yourself an editor who will point out silly plot devices as well as typos snd grammatical mistakes. Thanks for posting!

A good first try. The end was rushed. So much more to be said. The board had to be destroyed. The previous divorced couple should be included in a class action suit against the company. A lot left unsaid. But not bad

You need an editor, one that can keep the characters straight. And a proofreader that knows proper grammar, story timing, and can coach you about content. Although it was confusingly painful to read, I still gave you 2 stars for effort.

I enjoyed reading most of it but It's hard to believe that this story was edited. A more contiguous storyline is needed 3* but it could do MUCH better with some additions.

Thank You.

Your timeline suddenly went haywire. What happened to the Monday before her wedding, the wedding, honeymoon? Take more time and think the story through. You could have had a good story but got lost along the way.

Not a bad first story but your ending or lack there of killed it for me. The fall out after the fact is one of the main attractions in a story for me. Why not confront her when she dressed like a slut to go to work or when she came home too drunk to walk. More details and dialog would have made your story much better.

el final creo que hay algun error en el envio, pues, despues de una buena narrativa, el final no entendi nadacreo que de la mitad hasta el final, no hay un desarrollo coherente, pero animo que seguro que puede mejorar.

There have been multiple calls for an editor. That's because the story doesn't flow. It's a garbled mess and confusing.

Think of writing like a calm stream flowing along. Yours has boulders, logs and abrupt changes in direction. If you have an editor, fire them. If you don't, get one!

Very careless writing. The bouncing POV was jarring. I could not finish.

I got a bit confused, they were talking and then Paul gave some back story then suddenly after the pregnant bit they're back talking without a hint.

Sorry if my comment is confusing. That is how confused I was.

It was a bit choppy to start but the end was awful. Did you accidentally cut out a page? What happened to the plan for the 'big event'? The big event was sitting at a diiner table before the 'big event'? I'm confused and unsatisfied with your story.

While the premise of the story is similar to other stories (Saddletramp), it had some new wrinkles. A very well presented first offering. I agree with a few other comments, the ending was a bit rushed. I will definitely keep an eye out for any new postings from Patton45!

Ah. Give him a break. Good story for your inaugural story on Literotica. Yeah it could use some editing and spent a little more time on Richards demise. And the wife could have gotten a little closer to the deed with Richard to add to the drama and heartache but all in all, it was ok. The theme of wife fucks arrogant boss for a promotion has been used many times but so has most all themes in LW.

When did she sleep with the boss? She told him he got her pregnant and he believed it but I don't remember them having sex.

Keep working on the writing style and get a better editor. Good general flow albeit a bit rushed. Watch the character change overs as it can make the narrative quite confusing. All in all, a very good effort. 4 Stars

Pregnant?

And he takes her home after she plans to run off with the other guy? Gee, this is just... awful.

It was OK. A little too convoluted. Ended too fast and too clean. But good first effort.

3***

I thought this was pretty good. The writing style could use some improvement as noted by others. But the story itself wasn't bad. I would have liked to have more detail on what happened after the two Richard's and Amy were arrested though. As well as if his mother ever got away from them and redeemed herself. All in all, I enjoy a story where the good guys win AND the main couple is able to stay together. I don't see that much here. Thanks for submitting!

Dreadful writing. It's all over the place. I feel sorry for whoever edited this - how bad was it before? And you still made a glaring mistake in the subtitle (and elsewhere).

rush at the end,but good story.good for first time.

I liked it because it held our interest no matter how badly it was executed.

And it was badly executed. The timeline was all chopped up, the characters were misnamed at times, their relationships were deliberately unspecified, Paul was called a husband before he actually was one, quotations were not marked consistently. All in all, you conceived of a more complicated plot than you could pull off (yet.) It's almost as though you were envisioning a movie in your head that you couldn't describe adequately.

I would encourage something a little more simple next time. After you've built your skills, you might consider rewriting and reposting this one.

I gave you 3*. It's a 5-star plot, but needs a lot of improvement.

Too short, too convoluted

Also she was willing to have sex with someone other than her husband to cover up the fact she thought he had given someone a blowjob

You marry a lying whore only if you are a moron

You had a decent plot line, but the writing was completely disjointed. You switched from first to third person several times and your dialog made it difficult to follow. You skipped around far too much. Start over and do a rewrite using the same plot. It will probably come out a lot longer as you explain each step but it will be a better story. Then let it sit a day or tow and the read it again, slowly.

People assume editing is merely looking for misspelled or missing words. Good editing sometimes changes the story. Keep writing.

Thought I would like this. I didn't . 2 stars.

This story is all over the place, makes no sense, never got back to his Dad and Mom.

I commented on your story, publicly but i felt i wanted to contact you directly. You have a good plot.

But the way you told it was poor. You switched from first to third person and back.Pick one and go for it.

You did not keep your dialog straight. Dialog is different if your story is first person. The narrator was not there so how did he know what was said? He had to be told. In other words, he can't know something before he is told.

Third person is omnipresent. The narrator knows all.

I tried to send the above to you private but for some reason it would not accept. Contact me via my profile and i will respond.

The ending was rushed and really unbelievable

To much of a stretch for me. First his mom now his wife. Really not much of a plot.

I was a good start and a difficult to read story. You are in need of a serious edit and some help with expanding the characters and plot line. High hopes for you! Keep on writing!

Yes, I agree with the other comments. Such a shame the end was a complete mess especially as the lead up was OK.

Very nice story, lots of details but not boring. Nice job and please keep writing. Thank you for a nice creative read.

I was getting confused with everything going on and time switching.

Good story, but needs better editing.

If English is this author's first language, he or she needs a ghost writer. This is terrible.

___Anon8675309

Great story but the ending was rushed. You could have included details about the party and what happened there. The sudden jump to the beginning was also a bit confusing. I think you should add another chapter and re-submit.

Nice tale about turning the table on dispicable people. Many will find something to fault; I don't. Good first story and I hope to see more from this author.

Don't listen to the nay-sayers. If you are writing for your own gratification, just get an editor. Love revenge stories. 5stars; The Bear approves. The only thing missing was a knee to the balls from the hero.

The BEAR

The last few paragraphs pulled this one up. These stories about executives cuckolding women's husbands are only credible in the political arena - sexual harassment is a serious offense unless you are in Congress. I personally know an exec VP who could have been CEO but got his ass fired for stalking a former lover who worked for him.

People say things, but often the talker is not clear. Roles are also often not clear. The events are disjointed! Obviously, date-rape drugs were used more than once, but where and to what purpose is also not clear. How did the Bad Guys find a woman who is a compelling double for Sweetie - except for the mole. Was this before the wedding or after? Why bring in a marriage in the first place? Plus, the same thing happening to the marriage of Hubby’s parents is bizarre … too unlikely of a coincidence! And Late Dad leaving a letter for Hubby is way too prescient!* And, people do not die of coronaries by heartache … maybe suicide.

This story uses the Deus Ex Machina ‘get outta a wet-paint corner’ device numerous times. It was weak and lazy writing device when magic was much more acceptable. And rarely more than once per story, even several millennia ago!

* Richard 2 did this to Daddy/Mommy 4 years ago. Hubby was an adult. Why not just explain it to him in person then, as it was progressing? And the letter makes it sound like Daddy knew he would not be around if Rich the Third did the same thing to his son (who had not yet even met Tinker Bell -capitalized.) Finally … why not ask Mommy to talk to Sweetie?

2*

Well, your heart is in the right place, but your head, not so much. The first plot fault is when his wife starts receiving inappropriate gifts from the head of the company and her soon to be boss. The husband does nothing. Asking questions without getting answers is doing nothing. Then his wife comes home so drunk that she needs the help of two people, and she can remember having only 3 drinks. How often does your wife come home so drunk she has to go straight to bed at 8pm. without explaining what happened? All the husband does is clean what appears to be cum off her face and clothes and puts her to bed.

At this point your story becomes just another version of Stupid clueless people live fucked up lives. It is so bad that you have the husband asking all these questions and having all these suspicions yet there is no confrontation, no demands to explain, no demand to see what's on her phone. The dumb shit deserves his wife becoming a company whore. Its Darwin's way of eliminating the biological unfit.

Oh, but the husband knows some smart people, and they pretty much solve all their problems for them. Well, except the husband has already proven that the pictures are not of his wife, so where's the blackmail? "It was all a prank that went too far; were so sorry if Maddie took it seriously. It was sort of a test to see how she could handle herself in compromising situations since she will be facing some ruthless business people in her job. Perhaps we overdid it, but nothing criminal actually happened, did it? Where is the rape kit, the drug test, the actual exchange of sex under duress? Maddie is a shameless flirt, and she went along with the dress up and the teasing trying to persuade me to increase her salary. Of course she'll deny it, but there is sufficient evidence to create more than a shadow of a doubt. You can withdraw your warrants or we can spend the next few years in court. What will it be?

You overplayed his hand. But thanks for the effort.

Patton 45, this is a good story outline but to get the biggest bang it needs to be polished and expanded to really get the biggest score on your story. It takes a lot of work to develop a style of writing. You've got a good outline so fill in the gaps, polish it and resubmit it as "Not this time 2.0". Good luck, good writing and thank you for taking the plunge into being a writer. Better than a 3 but not a 4 star yet.

Good story but an editor would help 4\5.

Thanks you for your story and time. Great start ruff in some places,but I'll bet you improve with each story. Hope to see more of your stuff!

This was edited? My god, how bad was it before the edit?

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This keeps switching between first and third person. There are times when Paul is the first person narrator but somehow knows what happened when he wasn't there. There are switches from past to present tense. There are missed quotation marks throughout the story.

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At the start of the story you wrote, "he did this to my mother and father" but then it's that Livingston's father was the one who did that. In the middle of reading what happened to his parents, it suddenly -- without any transition -- cuts to what Maddie is doing and then suddenly -- again without transition -- back to him reading the divorce papers.

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This was edited, and it's still a godawful mess.

Sorry it was crap,

In addition to needing a thorough editing, this story in several places is confusing and hard to follow.

Vacuous. Contrived. Not believable.

It needs more detail. The end was rushed and does not close the storyline. Please consider a sequell to explain . . .

The whole situation was fine, the characters were written well, but please, use an editor to correct some minor problems. The story at the end seemed rushed. There were a couple of flaws that were confusing. But did like that justice was served...4/5 stars.

Please get a better editor.

Excellent

Revenge and retribution at his best. And the wife didn't do anything wrong. Way to go!

Five Stars

Could of been really good but it just seemed lacking on areas. Needs to be longer or at least do an epilogue to round it off.

Didnt realize a woman can get pregnant from giving a blow job. Then again, Ive learned on LW no man can make their wives cum....ever.

I either have a lot to learn or you need to work harder on your stories. This one did fall flat for many reasons. Though this is a HUGE one...............

"Richard thought, 'This is even better. It's going to be easier to take her away and make her husband think the baby is mine when it's his all along." But he was told she hadnt fucked her husband since she and Richard fucked...yet at no point did they fuck, so how could she be pregnant at all if he knew it wasn't his?

Dont let your mind wander while writing, and always read what you wrote very carefully because you're either forgetting to include stuff or you think we can read your mind.

Sorry this can only get a 2, and thats being generous.

Not a fan.

Aside from the issues throughput the story where it isn't clear what is being said ..or thought...by whom...

The 12th paragraph from the bottom REALLY threw me: Richard thinks...

"Make him think the baby is mine when it's his all along".

What?

Shouldn't that be "his" and "mine"?

Also, with the mayonnaise trick you make it clear Maddie hadn't really cheated...so how could she claim Richard was the father of her non-existent baby?

Finally, the big issue of the senior Dick "taking" Paul's mother away. Years later, his wife JUST HAPPENS to go to work for the same firm?

Come in, this is a large city, the chances of that happening are pretty slim.

Also, it sounds like Paul's mom was a slut...if she willingly left her husband.

I'll give you a lot of credit for trying an ambitious story, but low marks on the execution.

Five star.

Horrible style, poor grammar and a story to appeal only to the emotionally retarded, should get a high score here.

I liked the plot and most of the story was good. I would have given it better than a 3 if it was not poorly written in some spots. The ending was far too rushed. And the jump cut to patch it directly back to the beginning of the story was far too abrupt. I have also read this very story practically verbatim in plot but far better written just recently on this site. If I could remember the name of the story I would list it here but the plot right down to the same family dynamic of the existing players.

I actually understood the pregnancy ploy. The fact that so many didn't shows how bad the writing was.

In a nutshell, she told Richard she was pregnant. He knew it couldn't have been his because he hadn't fucked her yet. He had to assume it was her husband's and thought it was even better that she would think that she was raising his child (it was written but in single quote marks for some reason).

That being said, he drugged her, why wouldn't he have raped her and taken pictures rather than going to all the trouble to find her doppelganger (minus a birthmark) and stage it?

His mother worked for the same company years earlier....dontcha think he might have ever heard her mention her company's name to him from time to time while he was growing up? Ya think it might have come up in conversation with family members when Maddie got a job at that same company? He had a brother and a sister.....someone would have clued them in.. ,"Hey Maddie congrats on your new job. Our mom worked there. Funny thing, she and pops got a nasty divorce while she was working there..."

What is the motive for a mother and wife conspiring with their son/husband to fuck and blackmail married women just to humiliate their husband's and cause divorces?? That's just wierd...

This story could have worked on some level but you were far too lazy to flush out the obvious holes.....and then there was the horrendous grammer. I, like others had no idea who's POV it was at any given time.

I like your imagination and your idea but you need to flush the story through your noggin a lot more times before you hit 'send' ....and get a better editor.

Bit bouncy, but I was all in! The ending, though, was just too sudden. Still, good job!

Very poorly written. Needs editing and it jumped all over the place.

Ended too quickly, but other than that it was a very good story. I would have liked a little more confrontation with Dick 2 and Dick 3. That would have topped off the story.

this makes no sense. no skill displayed here-take up another hobby.

Hooray! Somebody writing a story finally figured out that there are LAWS AGAINST THIS SHIT! Moreover, due to compliance laws, fear of damage to a company's reputation, and personal liability insurance carrier requirements, companies have training and awareness programs concerning sexual harassment in the workplace!

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The plot was great for a first story, but there was a lot of misplaced/missing dialogue quotes; some very awkward or confusing sentences and some misplaced tenses. POV jumped around a couple of times.

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Check out the Literotica 'How To' category for a great tutorial one punctuating dialogue."

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Good first effort! Keep writing!

great story really enjoyed it nice twist at the end as said in other comments more could have been made about the party but good story