Not Your Typical Mother Ch. 01

"You clearly needed that, huh?"

"Yeah, I've been thinking about this cigarette for the last hour. My mouth was practically watering," Emily described, before sensing she was being a bit too flippant.

"I mean, it just really calms my nerves. It's been a rough night," she edited.

Interestingly, Danielle wasn't even upset about Emily smoking or even the affinity with which she described it. Oddly enough, watching her daughter so obviously filled with satisfaction and happiness--regardless of the fact it that was the cigarette providing it--brought her a little bit of joy. There was no question Danielle was out of her depth when it came to the problems Emily was facing, so being able to see her baby happy for a few minutes was reason enough to cherish these moments.

Danielle decided she liked joining her daughter for her smoke break, because she liked seeing her daughter happy, and right now smoking made her happy. If something makes you happy it can't possibly be all bad, right? Isn't everyone guilty of doing things that they probably shouldn't do just because it makes them happy for a little while? Food, fast cars, alcohol, even carefree sex. Everyone has something. Her daughter wouldn't smoke forever, but for now it was acceptable while they went after bigger fish.

"So how long have you been smoking?" Danielle asked, making sure to eliminate any trace of judgment from her tone.

Emily was in the middle of another monstrous drag, her cheeks collapsing as she applied an intense amount of suction to the already half-smoked cork cigarette. Emily finally concluded her seconds long pull on the Marlboro and popped a large ball of smoke down her throat audibly, allowing her lungs to inflate visibly as she filled them with smoke.

She appeared to think to herself for a moment while trapping the smoke inside her, obviously thinking back over the course of events that led to this moment.

"About 4 or 5 months I guess," she replied, little puffs of smoke punctuating each syllable of her answer.

Danielle resisted the urge to say what was on her mind, which was that she had started smoking almost immediately upon getting to college, and just kept silent.

They sat in silence while Emily finished her cigarette in only a few minutes, proving that she did indeed desperately need her nicotine fix. She took a final strong pull on the cigarette, now burned right down to the filter, and expertly flicked the butt out into the darkness. Danielle watched as a few tiny sparks trailed off and quickly extinguished into the night.

Danielle sat up and prepared to stand but noticed that her daughter was still in her seat, looking sheepishly at her and clearly not ready to go back inside.

"I'm gonna have one more, actually," she said, an obvious bit of embarrassment on her face.

Danielle opened her mouth to say 'really?' but immediately caught herself and thought better of it.

"I know I'll lay in bed craving it if I don't, are you mad?" Emily asked, clearly anticipating Danielle to scold her.

Danielle composed herself and held back her scolding, instead opting to surprise her daughter with understanding and kindness.

"Not at all sweetie. If you need it, go ahead, I don't mind," Danielle said, surprising even herself with her ability to contain her maternal dismay.

Emily didn't even wait for Danielle to finish her sentence before she was lighting up again, smiling at her in appreciation. She smoked her second with the same ravenous ferocity that she'd smoked her first. Danielle wondered if she was going to go for a third as she powered through it just as quickly, but instead Emily kept to her word and went to bed after finishing her second cigarette in less than 10 minutes.

Now lying in bed, Danielle had a new set of reasons why she was having trouble sleeping. How was she going to help her daughter with something she had no experience of or knowledge in? What was she going to do about work when she needed to be with Emily to take care of her? What were they going to say to David?

All these questions and more pestered Danielle's mind throughout a restless and frustrating night of tossing and turning.

Finally, the morning arrived, and David began to rouse from his sleep. Danielle knew that she had to go on the offensive right away, framing the narrative and shaping the conversation and situation in the best possible light. As David came to, he turned to see his wife laying on her side, staring at him with obvious anticipation.

"Honey...," David said through a yawn and a stretch "did you sleep ok?" David asked unaware of the night Danielle had endured.

"I need to tell you something and I'm gonna need you to listen and not say anything until I'm done, ok?" Danielle spoke the sentence that she'd been practicing in her head for the last 4 hours.

David looked at her confused, suddenly much more awake than he had been a few seconds ago. After a few moments of thought he settled on a resigned nod in agreement.

"Emily came home last night, she's been having some trouble at school," Danielle watched as David's face lit up in excitement and then contorted to worry in a split second.

"She missed some classes, fell behind, and felt like she needed to take a break to come home and regroup. She didn't acclimate to college life the way that she thought, missed her friends, and missed her home. Now that she knows what to expect she's going to prepare to re-enroll next year, but for now she wants to stay here and get comfortable again. She's very worried that you're going to be mad at her, so I need you to promise me that you're not going to attack her or scold her and you're not going to ask her a bunch of questions. We both need to be there for her and just help her right now," Danielle recited her carefully thought out and manicured statement.

She made sure to keep David in the dark about the real reasons she'd come home, knowing he would insist on rehab and combing through every little detail. Danielle knew that wasn't what Emily needed right now, so she had to lie to David about a couple of things for the sake of their daughter. She watched as David's mind processed the information but was happy to see he didn't immediately object to her requests.

"Ok... ok... whatever she needs," David answered in the affirmative, despite shaking his head incongruously.

Danielle thanked her lucky stars that David hadn't woken up during the night and that she'd been afforded the opportunity to craft a story that would appease him without alerting him of the seriousness of the situation. Even more, Danielle was thankful that David, at least to this point, was going along with her requests.

"One more thing," she started, watching David almost wince in response, "the stress has been hard on her skin. She's broken out and she doesn't look her best, so please don't bring it up and make her feel bad about it, ok?" Danielle explained, again cutting off any line of questioning that would result in David uncovering the truth.

David seemed to meet this most recent piece of information with a measure of relief, possibly anticipating something worse to come out of Danielle's mouth. His compliance was signaled by a nod and a smile.

"Ok, I'm going to go and see if she wants to say 'hi' before you head off to work. She had a late night, so let me go talk to her a moment and let her know we've talked so she can be at-ease. You go ahead and shower and we'll meet you downstairs, ok?"

Danielle needed a chance to inform Emily of the version of the events she'd just told David so they could be on the same page. Luckily, David was in the accepting mood because he agreed and headed off to the bathroom without argument.

Danielle quickly darted to her daughter's room and knocked softly on her closed door. She waited a few moments and after hearing no response carefully turned the doorknob. She inched the door open and peered into the room. Emily was still asleep in her bed, so she stepped inside and closed the door behind her making sure to press the lock in. Making her way to the edge of the bed, Danielle sat next to where her daughter was laying on her side and began running her hands through her hair softly, something she'd done all her life. It only took a few moments before Emily noticed and while taking a deep breath and stretching, smiled lovingly at her through squinting eyes.

"Hi baby, did you sleep ok?" Comforted Danielle, filling with love in seeing her little girl in her own bed after so long.

Emily nodded and began rubbing her eyes, offering yet another languid yawn as response.

"So, I talked to your dad," a sentence that seemed to wake Emily almost immediately.

"Don't worry, I didn't tell him much. I just said that you fell behind in school and got homesick. I told him you're going to spend the rest of the year here, getting back on your feet, and then head back to school next fall. He doesn't know and doesn't need to know about the 'other' stuff, ok?" Danielle said with a wink and a knowing look.

Emily's relieved smile said it all--Danielle had done the right thing.

"Thanks mom, I love you," Emily said as she sat up and hugged her, sniffling her way through a few tears.

"I love you too sweetie, everything's going to be ok. You're home," Danielle replied, fighting back her own tears.

"He wants to say hi before he heads off to work, do you think you can get up?" Danielle asked.

"What about you? Do you work?" Emily countered.

"No, I have the day off," Danielle answered. This prompted another squeeze from Emily, continuing to hug Danielle and clearly pleased at the prospect of spending the day with her.

"Yeah, let me just run a brush through my hair and I'll be down," Emily breathed softly, still hugging Danielle tightly.

"Sure, honey."

A few minutes later Danielle was watching as the coffee maker lazily dripped cheap, black liquid into the old pitcher they'd had since they got it as a wedding gift. Neither Danielle nor David were coffee snobs and didn't even particularly care for the taste of coffee, instead drinking it solely for waking up when they hadn't gotten enough sleep.

Danielle needed it quite badly this morning.

The first person down the stairs was David, surprisingly. Showered, shaved, dressed and ready for the day. This time Danielle cursed him a bit for being such a heavy sleeper. As amazing as it had been to be reunited with Emily, regardless of the circumstances, her entire body and mind were aching for more rest.

"She still upstairs?" he called as he stepped joyously into the kitchen and over to the cupboard with the coffee mugs.

He was clearly infused with a spring in his step as a result of Emily being home and it showed in every aspect of his demeanor.

"She is, but please remember what we talked about. This is a big moment," Danielle reiterated, edging toward a scolding tone, and revealing a bit of her own anxiety.

"Don't worry hon, I'm not going to do anything to make her feel bad. I love her just as much you do, remember?" he replied.

While Danielle couldn't accept that anyone could love her daughter as much as she did, she felt a bit more at-ease that David wasn't planning to invalidate any of their previous agreements.

A series of slow, plodding footfalls drew their attention to the stairs as Emily made her way down to the kitchen. After a few moments Emily appeared, clad only in her pastel blue panties, white tank-top and no bra, and a pair of mismatched socks. Her tousled blonde hair fell along her face in frazzled defiance of gravity and her eyes wore a deep redness that made her look several years older than her 18-years.

Danielle's attention shot from Emily's unkempt appearance to her husband, immediately concerned that he wouldn't be able to resist commenting on the near-complete stranger that was before them. His eyes had bulged a little and Danielle thanked an unnamed deity that he had not been in the middle of taking a sip, lest he spit it out in shock.

If Emily had noticed his reaction, she hadn't shown it, as her only response was a lazy yawn and a stutter-stepping stretch.

"Hey mom, hey dad, good morning," she droned somewhat lifelessly.

"Good morning sunshine, your mom told me everything. I just want you to know that I'm here for whatever you need. No questions," David recited, clearly having been memorizing his own response as well.

"Thanks dad, that means a lot," Emily replied, again her voice lacking any real emotion or authenticity.

David's composure broke ever-so-slightly, clearly having anticipated a more gracious and emotional display of gratitude for his 'no questions asked' offer of support. He also wore a look of concern and disappointment that indicated he was both worried about what he was seeing and saddened by his daughter's apparent indifference to seeing him for the first time in 7 months.

Luckily, he remained committed to his earlier pledge and didn't let it compel him to pepper her with questions or press the issue in any way. Instead, he just accepted the quick hug that Emily offered on her way to the fridge with a smile.

"Alright, I'm off to work then. You ladies have fun and I'll see you tonight," David said, offering Danielle a quick cheek kiss before walking briskly to the front door with a steaming mug of coffee in-hand.

"Okay, have a good day, love you," Danielle offered robotically, a word-for-word recital of the same thing she'd been saying for years on-end.

The sound of the door closing allowed Danielle to breathe a sigh of relief that she hadn't even been aware of holding.

"Well, that went better than expected," Emily remarked.

Danielle hesitated to agree enthusiastically, wanting to give her husband a bit more benefit of the doubt than her daughter.

"He really wants to give you what you need, he loves you so much, we both do," she replied, already feeling the familiar sting of her tear ducts fighting against her willpower to open the flood gates.

"I appreciate it, mom," Emily replied, mid-pour with some Tropicana orange juice.

"I almost stopped buying that, after you left it just sat in there. I guess I kept getting it in case you visited," Danielle described, nodding toward the carton of orange juice.

"Good thing," she replied, taking a long sip, and replacing the carton to the fridge.

Danielle noted the many changes in her daughter--the lack of emotion in her tone, the terse replies and avoidance of eye-contact, the uncharacteristically unkempt appearance and borderline inappropriate lack of clothing--but what she noticed most was the pervasive sense of awkwardness and unease.

She thought back again to the previous night and her conduct in response to what was discussed. Had she failed to show adequate support? Had she let an air of judgment or disappointment infuse her demeanor? She wasn't sure what it was, but she knew that something was definitely different between them. How had only 7 months done so much to their relationship? To her daughter?

"So, what did you want to do today? Shopping? Mall? I feel like you need a 'me' day, whaddaya think?" Danielle forged ahead, beating back the feeling of disconnect with relentless optimism.

"Eh, I dunno. I think I'm gonna hang out with some friends actually. Just chill a bit and catch up. You don't mind, do you?" Emily replied, sending Danielle's heart sinking to the bottom of the emotional sea.

"Um, yeah, sure honey. If that's what you need, no problem, we can do it another day. We have tons of time now, right?" she replied, giving her best attempt at covering her growing disappointment.

"Great, thanks mom, I'm gonna head upstairs and get ready," she called, already bounding up the steps two-by-two.

Danielle sighed dejectedly, deciding that maybe it would be good for her to take a nap and have another try at starting the day. It wasn't the sunniest 'bright side' she'd ever relied upon, but she could definitely use the rest.

As she trudged up the stairs toward the bedroom her nose detected the unmistakable aroma of cigarettes and knew that Emily was smoking in her room. As she walked over to the closed door to Emily's room Danielle hesitated a moment and considered knocking, wondering how she might approach the subject. In the end she decided to let it go. David wasn't home and by the time he was it would be virtually undetectable anyways. Why stir things up on Emily's first day home?

Danielle turned from Emily's room and back to her own bedroom and made her way to the bed. She climbed beneath the covers, pulling them up to just below her eyes like she did when she was little--and she did feel little in that moment, and insignificant. Danielle was learning just how much being a mother had meant to her and how much of her identity and self-worth was wrapped up in her perception of herself as a 'good mom.' As feelings of helplessness and fear swirled in her mind, her consciousness was eventually swept away in a whirlpool of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion.

She awoke four and a half hours later to an unfamiliar noise--an unfamiliar voice. A murmuring of conversation reverberated softly through the wall behind her, the one that her headboard was pressed against and the one that Emily's was pressed against on the other side.

Danielle slowed her breathing and trained her focus on the sound, the beating of her heart seeming to grow louder as it pounded in her ears. Definitely a voice--a male voice. Emily had a boy over, something that had always been strictly forbidden unless it was part of a kitchen table study session. It had been one of the only rules without any compromise, a way to ensure her daughter wouldn't end up pregnant in high school like she had been.

It had also been a rule that was never challenged, and never disobeyed. Emily had been one of the easiest child-rearing experiences any parent could ask for. Smart, kind, and more than anything empathetic and understanding. When Danielle had explained the reasoning for the 'no boys' rule, Emily had understood. Not just understood but appreciated. She recognized that it was a rule intended to give her the chance at a better life, to protect from making the same mistakes as her mother. As improbable as it may have seemed, her teenage daughter genuinely agreed with her rule and its intended effect.

But the Emily that had returned from college was different in many ways. It seemed like there was a growing list of ways that she was different and a willingness to break this rule was now a part of it. There was a pang of anxiety that sparked her heart rate to increase and her breath to run shallow and ragged. A jolt of adrenaline followed and now cortisol. Danielle's body was now awash in all manner of stress hormones as she considered her reaction.

She remained trained on the voices in the other room, a mix of giggles and hushed discussion. Did she hear the click of a lighter? Danielle was beside herself with doubt and worry, and no matter how much she might've wished for a different response--it seemed that between fight, flight, or fright it was fright and a paralyzing inaction that had won out.

Danielle tried to quell the sick unease that knotted in her stomach while remaining perked to pick out any discernible words or phrases. The shifting weight of bodies on Emily's bed elicited a few squeaks as giggling and springs stretching combined to create a cacophony of treble.

Next came the one thing that Danielle feared most--rhythmic movement. At first, she rejected it, fought the very idea of it. But it soon became clear that no amount of deluding herself would be effective. Kissing sounds, moans, the occasional 'bang' of the bed frame hitting the wall; her daughter was having sex.

While she always knew that she'd grow out of being her little girl, the idea of her as an adult was always accompanied by her with a husband, children, a family. It was, perhaps naivety, that prevented her from imagining this scenario.