Not Your Typical Mother Ch. 01

The day had finally come. Danielle's baby had grown up and graduated High School. Danielle hadn't known adult life without her daughter, Emily, who she'd had when she was only 16. While Danielle hadn't been a wild child in her youth, she had still managed to get herself pregnant with the first boyfriend she'd ever had--David--her current husband and devoted father to Emily. Danielle glanced over at him as he sat next to her on the bleachers, clapping furiously while watching Emily receive her diploma down on the graduation stage. She waved up at them from the stage, her smile and twinkling walnut brown eyes an indication of the jubilation that filled her.

It was a happy time and yet there was a tinge of sadness in the air as the sons and daughters of a crowd full of proud parents would leave the comfort of home and begin their journey of adulthood; Likely going away to college or traveling and eventually starting families of their own to repeat the cycle. It was that last part that scared Danielle the most; Emily leaving.

Since the early age of 16, Danielle's life had revolved around caring for and raising Emily to have the chances she herself didn't. Her one night of absentmindedness had stolen away her dreams of attending a top college and eventually becoming a marine biologist. Her grades weren't the issue, as her cumulative GPA had settled at an impressive 3.89 despite going through pregnancy and birth while still in high school. It was the sacrifice Danielle had to make to keep and take care of her newborn baby that had changed her life's trajectory.

While she had regrets, Danielle wouldn't change the way it had turned out. Emily was a smart, kind, compassionate and beautiful young woman who had filled Danielle's life with joy from the moment she was born. She had even bested her in GPA, finishing with an astounding 3.97, although thankfully she didn't have teen pregnancy getting in the way. With that GPA and the numerous extracurricular and volunteer activities Emily had participated in during her High School tenure it wasn't hard for her to get into a top college. She had chosen Dartmouth and would leave in the fall.

That meant Danielle had three more months with her daughter before she would go out and begin her own journey of adulthood. Danielle intended to use those remaining three months to spend as much time with Emily as she possibly could, as likely when she came home, she would no longer be her 'little girl' anymore but a full-fledged woman who no longer needed to be taken care of. And that is exactly what Danielle enjoyed the most, taking care of her daughter. She delighted in being the most important person in her daughter's life and making sure she had all the support that she needed. Knowing that it was all coming to an end sent a shudder through Danielle and represented a looming darkness in her mind.

"Let's go hon, it's picture time," David chimed, beaming with pride.

Danielle smiled at David and started down the stairs of the bleachers toward the crowd of hugging parents and newly graduated offspring. Emily was standing toward the back with two of her best friends Hannah and Madison, whom Danielle knew well from their many times spending nights over at their home during sleepovers. All three of them were smiling and chatting enthusiastically about one thing or another, probably upcoming college life.

When she noticed her parents approaching Emily immediately broke off conversation and smiled warmly. It was like looking at a young version of herself, an uncanny likeness Danielle noticed more and more often as she'd aged. Both Danielle and Emily stood 5'4" and slim but not in an unhealthy way, with golden straw blonde hair stretching just past their shoulder blades. Her skin was impossibly pale, almost like snow but perfectly flawless aside from a few very cute beauty marks that dotted her arms and thighs and one tiny one on her left cheek--Danielle had a similar one on her right cheek an inch lower. Neither of them had been blessed with large breasts or voluptuous hips but they were well proportioned to their bodies and despite neither of them being athletes had very nice muscle tone. She'd always felt the term 'svelte' to be an apt description of her body type and it applied to her daughter as well.

For a moment Danielle had been lost in her thoughts--feeling like she was looking into a vision of the past--but her daughter's warm embrace brought her back to reality.

"I love you, mom. I appreciate everything you've done for me, and I will never forget it," Emily whispered in her ear as they continued hugging.

Danielle fought back tears and could only muster a feeble 'Thanks sweety,' without breaking down. After a few more moments, Danielle loosened her hug and let David have his turn--mirroring other parents who were also doing the graduation celebration carousel. She watched her doting husband hug Emily and fight back tears just as she had while Emily whispered into his ear. She imagined that his message was very similar to her own, as David had always been a wonderful and supportive father. Despite that fact, Danielle had always felt she and Emily had a very special mother-daughter bond that couldn't be matched--even by her father. Finally, they broke their embrace and the picture-taking began.

It was a bit of a lonely drive home. Emily had left the graduation ceremony with Hannah and Madison who were all attending a graduation party. Unlike many of the other parents, Danielle knew that she had nothing to worry about when it came to Emily making poor decisions. There were the few times she'd snuck out to meet a boy or come home late a little tipsy but on the whole, Emily was as level-headed as you could be at 18. Danielle liked to think that it was her strong morals and good parenting that resulted in Emily's good decisions, but maybe she just took after her mother naturally.

"I'm gonna miss that girl," sighed David.

Danielle looked over at her husband, who's eyes were puffy and agitated as a result of wiping tears away. He looked back and smiled, blue eyes twinkling but mirroring the same sadness she reflected back at him at the prospect of losing their little girl.

"We'll be fine honey. She's gonna visit every holiday and every break and she'll be calling and texting and emailing. It will be like she's not even gone," she replied, doing her best to reassure him but hardly believing any of it herself.

The final 3 months ended up being wonderful, if not bittersweet due to the always looming finite nature of it all. They'd gone camping, hiking, shopping, had dinners and movie nights; It was a microcosm of all the joy and happiness of having a child, and yet now it all felt so long ago.

It had been 6 months since Emily left for Dartmouth and it had been the hardest 6 months of Danielle's life. She didn't even remember her teenage pregnancy being this hard. It was during this time that Danielle had realized how devoted a mother she had been to Emily and how much of her life revolved around her in one way or another. Danielle realized that she didn't really have any friends and didn't really have any hobbies. Occasionally she would write poetry or read a book but more than anything she felt empty.

This feeling of emptiness had permeated into Danielle's relationship with David. Without Emily as a bonding agent and a reminder of what they'd created together their marriage had suffered. It was a harsh reminder that if it weren't for Emily, they'd likely have parted ways before they ever reached adulthood. It was only the combined love for their child that had united them and now that she had grown up and moved out there was so little between them that they often felt like strangers or platonic roommates.

But that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was how infrequently they heard from Emily. It started with a phone call every night. That turned into a couple texts a day and a phone call or two per week before settling to a stray text or email every other week. Additionally, Emily hadn't been visiting during her break nor was she especially excited at the prospect of having them visit her. Danielle trusted Emily implicitly, but even she had begun to question exactly what was going on with her normally very dependable daughter.

It was another restless night of sleep--Danielle's mind would not shut down. She had the day off tomorrow and she almost wished she was working instead. If she were she wouldn't have to invent things to do all day while she pretended not to worry about Emily. Suddenly, her lackluster attempts at sleep were interrupted. Was that? Knocking? Did she hear the doorbell?

Danielle peered into the darkness over at David who didn't seem to be awake or have noticed, and then at her phone that sat on the bedside table.

"3:23am," she whispered softly to herself.

No way. It must have been in her head. But before she could place her head back on the pillow, she heard it again. This time, she was sure. Three knocks and one press of the doorbell. Danielle shot up, suddenly very afraid. There was literally not a single person she could imagine coming to her door at 3 in the morning on a Wednesday night. No one. Danielle turned to wake David when a thought popped into her head.

Emily.

Could it be? Did she even have a car?

Again, the knocks, this time louder and sounding more frantic along with two presses of the doorbell. Danielle looked once more at her sleeping husband and decided that if it were Emily, and she was in trouble, that she needed to be the one to be there for her. Perhaps it was borne more from selfishness than virtuous parenting, but Danielle felt it was right.

Carefully Danielle eased her weight off the mattress and stepped onto the carpeted floor of her bedroom. One more glance at David who remained sleeping and she was off down the hall--not running but definitely a few paces above a jog. She paused when she reached the door, waiting for sound, breathing, anything indicating she wasn't losing her mind. There. She could hear it. A sniffle. A cough. It was Emily. Danielle nearly squealed aloud at the thought of hugging her little girl after nearly 7 months. She peered anxiously out of the peephole and there she was. Her baby girl.

Danielle carefully turned the deadlock and unlatched the chain and eased the door open, trying to keep the old door from making too much noise. As soon as she stood face to face with her daughter Danielle felt her face well up and tears begin to flow. Without any words the two of them embraced, and Danielle noticed that while she sobbed softly so did Emily. Something had definitely brought her daughter home in the middle of the night, and it didn't appear to be good news.

When they finally broke their hug Danielle looked into the face of her little girl. Aside from her red bloodshot eyes, her skin had broken out on her cheeks and chin. Her lips were chapped and peeling and there was a thumb sized scab near her hairline. What had happened to her?

Danielle pulled Emily inside silently and they headed to the den. The den was sunken by two feet and didn't share the same foundation as the rest of the house. It was also well insulated and had a door separating it from the rest of the house. Normally that was good for watching loud movies but tonight it was for having a heart-to-heart with her daughter that no one would be privy to.

At first, they just sat down on the couch and looked at one another. Danielle had decided that she would resist the urge to bombard Emily with the millions of questions that racked her brain and instead allow her to feel comfortable and explain everything at her own pace. It was a way of handling things that had always garnered her goodwill and trust, but tonight it was harder than ever to stick to. Finally, after what seemed like hours Emily broke her silence.

"I'm sorry mom...," which immediately prompted another breakdown.

As Emily fell into another quiet sob Danielle scooted next to her and wrapped her arms around her like she did when she was a little girl, and she had a nightmare. She doubted that this would be solved with a hug and a cookie though.

Again, Emily gained her composure and slowed her breathing to a level that she could try to speak. This time she pulled her feet up onto the couch and brought her knees up to her chin. Emily rested her chin on her knees and looked off into space as she spoke.

"It started with a couple of pills," she began, and Danielle's heart sank immediately.

"They helped me stay awake to study; they kept me focused during class. Seriously, it was nothing."

Danielle again resisted the urge to lose her cool, instead letting Emily continue.

"Then I needed more and more for it to work and pretty soon I was taking different pills for sleeping and different pills for staying awake. Then this guy had some coke. But it was actually meth. And I couldn't sleep so I took another pill and another."

At this point Danielle could sense Emily was on the verge of another breakdown and knew she needed to say something, so she knew she wasn't in trouble or alone.

"I don't care what you did or what happened. I only care that you're here and you're safe. Everything else we can figure out. You're my daughter and nothing will ever change how much I love you."

Emily looked up and smiled weakly before breaking down and repeating 'I'm sorry mom' for another few minutes. Danielle held her daughter tight and told her not to worry, but inside it was her who was on the verge of a panic attack.

By the looks of it Emily had developed a very serious drug habit, which was something that Danielle had absolutely no experience of or knowledge about. She had been as straight-edged as you could get, and she had gotten pregnant long before she reached any stage of partying or barhopping. She was going to have to rely on her love and understanding to pull her through this time, and she had to succeed for her daughter's sake.

Over the course of the next hour, they continued talking. Danielle learned that Emily had sold all her books, her phone and most of her clothes to pay for drugs. She didn't mention how she made it home, but it was likely at the expense of something she once cared about. She learned that she had been kicked out of school due to missing too many classes but was eligible for re-enrollment next year if she could find the funding now that many of her scholarships had been revoked. Danielle tried her best to avoid asking about specific drugs that she was using as she didn't want to cause herself to panic or reveal her utter lack of knowledge to her daughter.

Finally, after an hour of talking Emily had calmed herself and with the plan of coming home and getting on her feet before re-enrolling next year, Danielle felt slightly at-ease herself. It wasn't the best of circumstances, but it was her daughter home again--and that's ultimately what she wanted.

"Well sweetie, I think you need a good night's sleep in your own bed. You're home now," Danielle smiled at her daughter warmly, feeling almost happy to be tucking her baby girl into bed again, regardless of the reasons.

Emily smiled back but also struggled to meet Danielle's gaze. Her daughter fidgeted with her hands a few seconds before taking a deep sigh, obviously struggling with something.

"What is it honey? You can tell me anything. I won't be mad, I promise," urged Danielle, trying her best to hide the anxiety building inside her.

Emily fidgeted a few more moments before finally reaching into her purse and digging out a small red and white box. Cigarettes. Marlboro Red 100's. The same ones that Danielle's father and Emily's grandfather smoked before getting lung cancer. For some reason this was more infuriating than the drugs. Maybe because they were right there in front of her. Or maybe because she should know better after what had happened to her grandfather. But either way it made her angry and hurt that her little girl was smoking. It was such a dirty and stupid thing to do, and she thought she had raised her better than that.

Even still, if she was going to try to help her daughter through addiction to drugs, she couldn't let the fact that her daughter smoked topple the tower of trust and understanding she was building.

"I'm sorry... I know grandpa died from these things. I just... they help. And I'm not really addicted. I just smoke them sometimes to help calm down. Please don't be mad. I'm gonna quit. I promise."

Danielle swallowed her anger and disappointment and smiled at her daughter, trying to remain as neutral as possible.

"I understand Emily. It's ok. Just not in the house and not in front of your dad. He would die," Danielle reasoned, sending a silent prayer that she could keep this from David who is perhaps the most militant anti-smoker she had ever met.

And with that the biggest smile of the evening spread across her daughter's face. A real, genuine expression of happiness that had been absent all night. She finally looked like Emily.

A pang of guilt shot through Danielle as she realized how terrified Emily must have been to come home and come clean like this. She mentally scolded herself for failing to hide her disappointment at times and having been tempted to get angry with her. If she was going to be there for her daughter, she was going to have to do it without judgment and without resentment. If Emily even sensed that Danielle was ashamed or disappointed in her it could shatter her, and she could lose her trust forever.

"You wanna come?"

Emily's question shook her out of her thoughts and Danielle realized she had her cigarettes in hand and was motioning towards the back patio. She was asking if Danielle wanted to join her outside while she smoked. She knew that she needed to be without judgment, but Danielle was unsure if she was ready to see her little girl smoke in front of her. It would be a test of her resolve to be sure.

However, her tentativeness had already been noted by Emily whose bright smile had shrunk to a look of embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I asked that," Emily scolded, shaking her head in disgust.

"No, honey, it's fine. Sure, I'll come. It's a nice night and I've missed our late-night talks," Danielle tried her best to reassure her daughter after her initial hesitancy.

"Really? It won't bother you?" Emily asked, motioning toward the pack of cigarettes in her hand.

"No, don't worry about it. I know it's something you need right now, and you'll quit soon. I trust you, it's fine."

And with that Emily's face lit up with another smile and she slid open the sliding glass door, plopping down on one of the two chairs sitting on the patio. Danielle followed suit, taking the chair opposite her daughter, and making sure to completely shut the door behind them.

"This is weird," remarked Emily as she shook out a cork-filtered cigarette from her already half spent pack.

"What's weird?" Asked Danielle.

"Smoking in front of my mom," Emily replied, placing the cigarette between the full lips that had been her birthright.

Danielle didn't really know how to respond to that so instead she tried her best not to stare as her 18-year-old daughter, her little angel, flicked a match with one-time precision and held the flame up to the tip of her cigarette like someone who had done it hundreds of times--a thought that sent a shudder of unease through Danielle's consciousness.

She puffed a few clouds out of the side of her mouth before flicking the match into the darkness and taking several powerful pulls on the cigarette, eventually swallowing the smoke greedily. Danielle noted how her entire body seemed to relax as she held the much-needed nicotine inside her for several moments. Finally, as if she was letting go of a part of herself that she didn't want to lose, Emily pursed her lips and exhaled a strong, thick stream of smoke into the night air.