Now That I Think About It

If you're looking for a classic BTB story...leave now. 'Nuff said.

Tony Arata: "Looking back, on the memory of, the dance we shared, 'neath the stars above. For a moment, all the world was right, but how could I have known, that you'd ever say goodbye?"

= = = =

My wife Nancy had just picked me up from work as my car was in the shop and not expected to be ready until tomorrow. It was supposed to be ready today. Let's just say that I had my patience tested today. I'm negative.

We have a two-year-old daughter Sarah and her older by almost two years brother Daniel. Both are in daycare and we'll swing by to pick them up on our way home.

I work in the accounting department for an online retailor. We buy overproduced (think wasn't selling) furniture and home furnishings. When this stuff was in stores people would look at it and say to themselves 'No way am I putting that crap in my house!'

So, we run late night television commercials with a well-endowed barefoot cutie bouncing around wearing loose fitting shorts, skin tight shirt, and no bra. The air conditioning is turned way up. Just like that the shit sells.

Nancy works part time out of our rented house. We have little chance of saving up for a down payment until she goes back to work full time, and even then, only if there's no daycare to pay for.

Ours is a fairly boring story. Met near the end of our college days, dated, became exclusive, and shortly after graduation married. You still there? Like I said, boring.

Probably like most marriages ours has not always been rainbows and unicorns. After Daniel was born Nancy was on an emotional rollercoaster until she found out she was pregnant with Sarah. It was a pretty stressful fifteen months.

I travel a couple of times each quarter usually for three days and two nights. Negotiating contracts to acquire more crap is what I do. Doing the heavy lifting is my job but the salesman who recruited the business gets the bonus check. Sucks to be low on the totem pole.

Ours is an older subdivision with lots of small three-bedroom two bath brick ranch style houses built fifty years ago. We're on a cul-de-sac and the families in ours and the cul-de-sac across the street get together a handful of times each year. Most of the parties are in the spring and summer when it's pleasant enough outside to enjoy it. We're mostly younger so the music is loud and the booze disappears quickly. We get a babysitter so we can enjoy ourselves.

+ + + +

Whoever thought that a cell phone holder at eye level was a good idea can go to hell. Yes, it's hands free but it is dangerously distracting and it blocks your vision too!

"Pay attention to the road and not your cell phone!" I admonished Nancy as we left the parking lot.

"Women can multi-task better than men."

"There is no such thing as multi-tasking. If you are trying to do two things at once you're doing a shitty job on both. Giving less than one hundred percent on any task means you aren't completely focused on that task and may miss something that affects your decision-making process or the outcome. Whatever is happening on your phone can wait."

Nothing. No attempt to respond. My cell phone buzzed with an incoming call. As I started my conversation, I saw Nancy looking at her phone, again.

I can't remember who I was talking with. I don't remember a car accident. I've lost two days of my life and am sporting big honking casts on my right arm and leg. I'm wearing a sling after some kind of surgery to my right shoulder. My eyes flutter all the time and I'm having the most bizarre dreams recalling events that happened years ago. I can only stay awake for about two hours before my mind goes blank and I doze off.

What I do know is that Nancy has apologized about a million times. She's been cited for running a stop sign two blocks from daycare. It wasn't a four-way stop and the car with the right-of-way struck us mostly in the tail half of our car, on the passenger side. I say mostly because I managed to get mutilated in the process. Remarkably Nancy only has frayed nerves and tremendous remorse. Her phone was strapped in so no damage there, whew!

+ + + +

"How do you feel this morning, Ryan?" from the attending nurse.

"Well Janice, it's like how I felt when my bike hit that curb unexpectedly and I went flying."

"Wow, you remembered my name. I think the doctor is going to remove the bandages from your face today. Just be forewarned that you are completely black and blue. You've still got dental reconstruction to go through as well. So, when did you hit that curb?"

My eyelids seemed to blink rapidly "August 11, 2005. It was a Thursday."

"You remember the date? That must have been a very traumatic experience. You were what, about eleven at the time?"

"Eleven? Wow! Actually, I hadn't thought about it since forever until you asked. My memory usually isn't that good."

"Interesting. Here's Dr. Williams now."

"Good morning Mr. Jensen. How's our patient doing nurse?"

"I'd say very well. His memory seems excellent."

"How so?"

I chimed in "I remembered a bike accident I had seventeen years ago. Weird huh?"

Williams seemed unfazed "Trauma can sometimes cause that. You took quite a blow to your head and face in this crash. How good is your memory normally?"

"Iffy at best I guess."

"So, you can't remember what you wore last Sunday?"

"Jeans, yellow polo shirt, black socks, sneakers, and a ballcap" was my quick response.

"Janice, that was your day off. What did you wear?"

After staring at the wall "I haven't a clue."

Williams continued "Alright then Ryan. Seems like your memory IS really good right now. Can you remember TWO Sundays ago?"

"Went golfing. Tan shorts, cream colored collared golf shirt, white socks. Highlight of the round was a birdie on the first hole. I chased that second birdie around for seventeen more holes but never caught up to it."

Janice chuckled "That's funny. I golf too."

"We're going to keep you at least an extra day to run some more tests. This is highly unusual and if it's what I think it is, astronomically rare" from Williams.

My eyelids fluttered "You mean like that total solar eclipse that started on November 14th, 2012 and ended on the 13th?"

"Don't you mean 13th to 14th?" from Janice.

"Actually no. It started on the 14th in Australia and crossed over the International date line ending a day earlier near South America."

"How do you know this?" again from Janice.

"I really don't know. My mind goes blank and then I know what to say. I guess it's been buried in my brain and I never realized it."

Dr. Williams left but returned a little bit later with a few of his associates and several new pieces of gear. They attached probes all over my head and then hummed and whispered as they took in the sights.

Williams spoke "Ryan, after consulting with the other doctors we think that you have Hyperthymesia. That's the ability which allows people to remember nearly every event of their life with great precision. Hyperthymesia is extremely rare, with research identifying less than one hundred people with the ability. That's worldwide ever identified dead or alive. Studies on Hyperthymesia are ongoing, as scientists attempt to understand how the brain processes memories. We'd like to caution you that you'll probably need to be sedated occasionally if your brain can't find a calm place. This has been thrust on you while others grew up with the ability. Learning how to live with it is currently your biggest concern."

"Is this why I get tired so easily?"

"We think so. Your brain is working tirelessly until it saps all of your strength. Try diverting your thoughts to birds or music or animals. Anything to put your brain to sleep so to speak."

My head felt heavy and then I blurted "May 4th 2003. Our family canary escaped. Never saw it again."

I must have dozed off without hearing their response. I was alone when I awoke. My facial bandages had been removed.

+ + + +

It was dark outside when my door pushed slightly open, just enough for Nancy to peek and then come in.

"Hey Nancy, whacha think?" as she saw my plum-colored face and Frankenstein stitches for the first time.

"If I didn't recognize your voice I wouldn't have known it was you. How you feeling? Does your face hurt?"

"No pain, but that's probably due to the drugs. Otherwise really good although I get tired quickly. I'm having some really bizarre dreams. Remembering people and places that I'd long since forgot. Did you know we first met on Tuesday September 16th, 2014. It was at a campus party. I was smitten but you didn't notice at the time."

"Wow, and you still remember. So, if I didn't notice you then, when did I show an interest in you?"

After a short pause "Wednesday October 15th. It was a political science lecture. Truth be told, I was stalking you as I wasn't a student in that class. I offered to buy you an ice cream cone and you agreed. The rest, as they say, is history."

"Do you have a facial tic? Your face seems to be twitching."

"I guess. It happens almost all of the time. Before I forget. Get rid of that phone holder. What if Sarah and Daniel had been in the car?"

That brought tears.

We chatted for a bit but then I must have fallen asleep. Nancy was gone when the nurse woke me for my next round of shots. They all wear baby blue medical scrubs. In the emergency room I was in with my bicycle crash they wore light green scrubs.

The next morning Nancy was allowed in after the medical community did their thing.

"That's a nice dress. Must be new."

"Yeah, we had some clubhouse script from when we cashed in the couples golf. Use it or lose it so I bought this last weekend."

I felt my eyelids moving again "It reminds me of that blue and yellow dress from a few years ago."

"Why are your eyes blinking?"

"Haven't a clue. I don't think you ever wore that dress for me."

"What dress?"

"The blue and yellow dress. You wore it to run errands on June 14th 2019. That was a Friday?"

Nancy looked at me like I had a third eye.

"You're making that up. No way you can remember that."

I was blinking again "Well you brought pizza home after running those errands. Then you took a shower while Daniel and I ate. Oh, and you did a load of wash instead of waiting for Saturday to do the wash like you normally do."

Shocked best describes the look I was getting.

"Is this some kind of joke?"

"Well, the sawbones think I might have something called Hyperthymesia. That's where you remember details from every day of your life. There are less than a hundred known cases worldwide so he's calling in some specialists. July 19th, May 10th, April 19th, and August 2nd."

"Huh? What are those dates?"

"That's when you wore that blue and yellow dress. They were all Fridays. Same ritual with the errands, pizza, shower, and laundry. Except the August one you were pissy all weekend. We stayed out of your way. Never saw that dress again."

"I've got to go talk with the doctor" from a clearly frightened Nancy who fled my room stat. I was mentally exhausted and dozed off.

+ + + +

"Hey doc, looks like you brought some reinforcements?" as Williams and friends entered the room.

"Good afternoon, Ryan. This is Dr. Anthony Price and Dr. Lisa Fredericks. Both are from New York University. They caught the first available flight to get here as fast as they could. We're just not sure how much longer your condition will persist."

Looking at the lady "We used to have a Lisa Fredericks in our neighborhood. You two don't look alike at all. I last saw her Saturday July 20th, 2019 at our block party."

"Interesting" from Lisa as she smiled.

"Good afternoon, Ryan" from Price.

"Nice to meet you sir. Gotta tell you this is really bizarre. I think about something and then my eyes roll back and viola I've dug up some meaningless garbage."

Lisa was eager "So if I ask you about a particular date, you can tell me about that day?"

"Don't know until we try, right?"

Price continued "Okay, March 30th, 2018."

I felt my eyes doing that dance "Wore gray sweats at home watching the Rockies play the Diamondbacks. Close game but the Rocs lost."

Williams was busy with his phone and then said "He's correct."

"Remarkable. How about, say, January 24th, 2021" from Lisa.

"Formal dinner. Wore suit coat and slacks with white button up shirt. No tie. Got home in time to see Blues beat the Avalanche. We'd beaten them two days prior in overtime."

And again, Williams confirmed what I'd said, at least about the Avs. For the next few days, they poked and prodded my memory. I could only take about an hour at a time before needing a little siesta.

Nancy dropped by a few times every day but didn't stay long. If I had to classify her body language, she looked nervous. My friends and relatives seemed to stay longer. None of our neighbors dropped by. Nancy finally hung around late one afternoon.

"How's it going Ryan?"

"Tired. Guess this memory thing is for real. How you doing?"

"Getting along. The kids really miss you."

"Yeah, well I miss them too but this face of mine would scare the shit out of them. I do enjoy their phone calls. Got enough money in checking to do the bills?"

"Probably. Will your company still deposit your payroll check?"

"They should. I'm taking my accrued vacation and sick leave so were good for another month. Until I can keep my heart rate down, they're not going to release me. I guess my brain gets all wrapped in something and my stress level skyrockets. They settle me down with drugs."

"Any change in your abilities to recall things?"

My eyes were vibrating "If anything it's getting more refined. I'm getting better at sequencing dates. Last time I saw you wear that sweatshirt was Thursday February 3rd earlier this year. You were shoveling snow."

Wringing her hands together "Do they think you'll forget how to remember things?"

"Your guess is as good as theirs. Friday December 11th, 2020. It was cold and you wore it to the Sports bar with me. Your folks watched the kids. I guess this is only the third time you've worn it, around me anyways."

Nancy was visibly shaken and she gathered her purse "This is crazy. I need some fresh air."

When Nancy returned twenty minutes later, she was subdued so I spoke "What did you have for dinner?"

"Pizza."

My eyes started rolling around and Nancy yelled at me "STOP IT! THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE! What happened on July 8th 2020?"

"Sarah was born."

"There. Think of pleasant things not things that have no meaning!" from Nancy.

We chatted but my eyes kept fluttering as I thought about Sarah and the things I'd done with her. I wanted to share those memories but knew that Nancy would get spooked and leave, so I didn't.

The nurse came in and said I was overdoing things so she gave me a sedative. A few seconds later I was sleeping. Nancy left while I was out.

+ + + +

After they discharged me, I was able to spend time with my kids. Even if I did look like a monster, it was still my soft voice and they adapted quickly. Using their doctor's kit I was stethoscoped relentlessly and Band-Aids were applied in copious amounts. I really do love my kids.

Nancy seems frightened to be around me. She won't let me watch television as I overload quickly. What few neighbors drop by are quickly shooed away by Nancy. With the lights out at night I perform adequately in the bedroom. Nancy reciprocates my oral skills. My right side being out of commission makes it difficult to perform other than flat on my back. Seems to work out well for both of us. Twice a night was making up for lost time. Nancy always made sure to let me know how much she loved me and wanted reassurances that I loved her too. Had I done something to make her think otherwise?

When I need a break, I close my eyes and wear noise cancelling headphones listening to ocean waves. White noise I think they call it. Eliminate the triggers and my brain seems content to just relax. I was getting better at shutting off the internal search engines by staring at my poster of Van Gogh's Starry Night. Don't know why it affects me that way. If Nancy finds me acting spastic, she forces a sedative down my throat. I'm starting to get depressed as there's no apparent end in sight. Nighttime only brings strange and troubling dreams.

With the proof provided by the hospital I was deemed fully disabled and my company's disability insurance took the place of my salary. Until this goes away, I'll never be able to work again, unless I can master it. The root cause was an accident so the policy paid double. With no taxes taken out it was more than my previous take-home pay. I wouldn't have ever signed up for the insurance if it wasn't for my kids. Caught a break there.

Little by little I was returning to normal. Teeth went in. Casts came off. Stitches came out. My previous appearance returned although I was weak as hell on my right side. A few times a week I'd go in for therapy. Sometime down the road I'll need a hip replacement. All because of a fucking phone holder.

I agreed to participate in an extensive study at New York University. They would pay for all of my expenses including Nancy and the kids staying with me. However, after discussing it with Nancy we decided that I would go alone while she and the kids would visit every other weekend. Her support network was here and not in New York. Made sense. NYU was content paying for them to join me twice a month.

Although funded by the university hospital, the setting was in one of the satellite buildings. I had my own suite complete with Starry Night posters in every room. Everyone seemed to be going out of their way to be nice to me. This must be how the elephant man felt with people staring and whispering.

Every morning they hook up almost two dozen sensors to my head and face. Try talking like a normal person when that happens. When nature calls some poor nurse is tasked with helping me out.

I was reunited with Drs. Price and Fredericks who immediately introduced me to dozens of people. I was an oddity and they were so giddy that they were practically foaming at the mouth with excitement.

By Nancy's first visit I was still unable to stay awake for more than three hours. However, I am getting better at searching my mental archives at a more leisurely pace. When I feel myself tensing up, I put the ocean waves on and study Van Gogh. I didn't need the poster any longer as I'd committed it to memory.

Kidding around with Nancy "Hey hon, I got to thinking. When I come home I'm going to order pizza every Friday night."

"Why would you do that?"

"Well, when you brought pizza home on Fridays, I always got a blowjob on Saturday night! Guys gotta have a plan, right?"

It certainly wasn't the reaction I thought I'd get. It looked like Nancy was going to faint. She eventually stammered "Well, we'll see."

"Aww, promise me you'll think about it!"

The hug I got was long and lingering. I guess this is taking a bigger toll on Nancy than I expected.

It was great to see my kids but I kept nodding off every few hours which spoiled it for me and them. The bouts of depression had escalated and this certainly wasn't going to help.

My daily routine now included a specialist who deals with depression and suicidal thoughts. When you can't imagine a normal life, you start dreading the next sunrise. l guess I've donated my organs to science, my brain anyway, even though I'm still alive. They have my brain activity on a display. A normal brain will flash electric trails like you'd see with static electricity. Mine look like a lightning storm with practically all of my lobes getting in on the action. To get back to normal I need a ground fault detection system to shut things down. If that doesn't happen, I could literally burn out and be left in a permanent mental fog.