Now That I Think About It

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After eight weeks I came home with a return trip planned four weeks later. With my disability and what NYU was paying, I'd already banked close to a year's take-home and all I was doing was sitting around thinking, with wires growing out of my skull of course. Nancy would hook up some monitors which hung from my neck and dangled onto my chest. I could see the red warning light if my brain activity spiked.

It was good to see my friends and family again. After they leave, I seemed to think back to every time I'd interacted with them. Almost always that ended with me dozing off. Sometimes I'd stop talking in the middle of a sentence and start snoring. Yep, I was a real party animal.

Televised football kept me entertained. This year's Bronco team is something else. With Russell at the helm, they don't even have enough wins to qualify for a college bowl game. Walmart is going to have to build another super center to pay for his extended contract.

Someone gave me a gift of 'The complete catalog of Van Gogh'. After memorizing it I could name off his known works in chronological order. Whoopie shit, right? Hey, it kept me from remembering all of the times I wore white socks or the kids puked on me.

While Nancy was gone shopping one day, Dave from across the street dropped in to see me. We chatted at length and he told me all about the block parties I'd missed. Apparently, Tim and Doreen didn't renew their lease and moved. That got me thinking about all of the people who ever attended the parties I'd been to. I rattled off names and Dave confirmed whether they were still around. Out of the twelve houses, fourteen families had left over the last four years. Talk about turnover.

Dave left and I mulled over those who'd moved. I wasn't liking some of the things I recalled. Although I had no proof, I was deeply concerned, sad, and angry. At some point I fell asleep.

Nancy was aghast when I rattled off the names of those no longer in our neighborhood.

"Why do you torture yourself digging up meaningless things like that? Think about your family and the good times we've shared!"

That's not what I did though. I spent some time thinking about all of our neighbors since we'd moved in. Thankfully Nancy's conduct around those who remained passed the husband sniff test. Not so much on one guy who'd moved away. I fell into a deep depression imagining Nancy with our ex-neighbor. The only way I could divert my attention was to think about the women I'd had sex with in college before I met Nancy. But then I'd think about the things Nancy and I'd done as young lovers. I was losing my will to live as her betrayal ruined everything.

I was scheduled to return to New York and felt it was time to uncover the truth. When we reached the airport on Sunday, with Nancy driving, I gave her something to dwell upon while I was gone.

"Hun, think about this. Tell me who you danced with the most at the block parties" as I got out at the airport departure drop-off.

Nancy's eyes were moist as she yelled "I LOVE YOU RYAN! THE KIDS LOVE YOU RYAN!"

Walking away I put up my left hand and waved limping along without looking back immediately. It will be interesting to hear what Nancy has to say the next time I see her. After entering the terminal, I saw Nancy still parked with her head on the steering wheel. The walls are closing in on her. I don't think Nancy has been faithful throughout our marriage. The walls are closing in on me too as I don't know what to do.

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This trip started out differently as I was given a kitten to care for. Their research indicated that cats could detect when I start to overload and they 'make bread' on you to divert your attention. Cats, frogs, geckos, hell it didn't matter to me. Find something that works.

I named him Vincent. We seemed to bond instantly. Twice on Monday Vincent jumped up on my lap, made bread, and then buried his head under my chin. We dozed off. Maybe they're onto something.

Tuesday evening, two days after I gave Nancy her homework, she called. We covered the normal greetings then talked about the kids. And then it got quiet.

"Ryan, I don't know how to go about this so I'll just start. Please let me finish as I may break down if you stop me. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"I have not been a good wife. I mean I wasn't a good wife until it finally dawned on me what I had to lose if I continued cheating on you. I got carried away at one of the block parties. Mark Fredericks kept feeding me spiked drinks and slow dancing led to meeting him in a bathroom. I won't blame it on the booze as I knew what I was doing. It was quick and the naughtiness of it made it exciting. The sex itself was nothing remarkable. I love sex. You love sex. This was sex so I enjoyed it. I bought that stupid blue and yellow dress and yes, I wore it when I snuck off to be with Mark again. And it was with Mark that I wore that sundress and danced with him too many times. The affair lasted for a few months until Mark took a job offer and moved. I thought he'd miss me but he said I was just an easy piece of ass. That's why I was so pissed off that August night. I couldn't tell his wife without you finding out so I prayed for forgiveness and vowed to be the best wife I could be for you. A few months later we found out I was pregnant with Sarah. Mark couldn't possibly be the father so you can dismiss that thought. She's your baby girl. Same with Daniel. He's your son."

Her voice was cracking near the end and when she finished, she cried painfully. It confirmed my suspicions but I was at a loss for words.

"Ryan, do you hate me?"

"No, I'd pieced together the likely guy and dates. If you didn't love me, why did you marry me?"

"I DO love you. I DID when you proposed. I DID when we got married, and I still do. I've tried to analyze why I did what I did and the best I can do to shift the blame is to say that after Daniel was born, I realized I wasn't ready to be a mother. I'm so sorry Ryan. I never meant to hurt you. I never thought about the pain you'd feel if you ever found out. Please don't leave us. Daniel and Sarah love you. And although my actions don't mirror my words, I love you more now than I ever have."

"Nancy, I have to go now. I'm really tired. Goodnight."

"I LOVE YOU RYAN! DO YOU HEAR ME?"

The nurse on duty noticed my irregular numbers and sedated me. Vincent made bread and snuggled.

When my demeanor changed on Wednesday, I was referred to another counselor and spilled my guts. She became a regular stop every day she worked, which was Monday through Friday. Vincent was with me seven days a week coming to my rescue with his uncanny ability to detect my stress.

I was too spent to get raging mad. In reality Nancy was no longer pure as the driven snow. I felt like a failure. The counselor summed it up for me.

"Ryan, you may never recover from your brain injury. Right now, you can't take care of yourself. You need to be monitored to make sure you don't hurt yourself. Your depression is under control but teetering on taking you down into a dark place. Any man would feel the same as you do if he found out his wife had an affair. You doubt your masculinity. You doubt your self-worth. It's natural. That being said, she seems willing to accept you as you are. Unless you believe you are capable of finding someone else to take you in and care for you, your options are limited. You have your children, a place to call home, and a wife who now appears to have committed herself to you and your marriage."

"Basically, you're asking me to decide if I'm better with her or without her?"

"Exactly, and I think it should be obvious to you."

When Nancy visited, we had a joint session with my counselors. Rehearsed or not, Nancy really appears to have decided to devote herself to our marriage. Even when pressed on whether she was prepared to care for me she responded 'In sickness or in health'.

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Epilogue:

I returned home earlier than expected as NYU had what they needed. I'm scheduled to return every six months for a week-long check-up.

My kids immediately took to Vincent. He took it in stride. He does have an attitude.

The neighborhood parties aren't a lot of fun for me so I declined after a few. Nancy said if I wasn't going then she wasn't going.

Nancy surprised me when she said she contacted Mark's wife and confessed their affair. When Mark called to raise hell with Nancy, I took the phone from her and warned him that I knew where he lived and wasn't afraid to do highly illegal things to his body. He never called again.

Our sex life is robust and I'm guessing I get more blowjobs than the average married man.

As far as harnessing my improved brain, not much has changed. I still can't stop the meaningless searches for insignificant things. Vincent presses my reset button when needed.

Nancy hauls my ass around as I'd be a threat to fall asleep at the wheel or simply zone out. She got rid of the phone holder.

Do I love Nancy? Yes, but probably not as much as I would if I'd never found out. But I did, and since I didn't reject her, I've been rewarded with a doting wife.

I'm suffering for my sanity and the thoughts of ending my plight are tempting. Then my kids include me in whatever it is they are up to and those thoughts pass. For better worse I'm in this for the long haul.

Well Vincent just jumped onto my lap and is making bread. I guess I've overdone it again. Now he's burrowing his head into my neck. We're going to take a nap.

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Now lighten up........

"Front desk, may I help you?"

"Well, I hope so. This is Dave Brown in the penthouse suite. My wife is threatening to jump out of the window."

"Sir, that sounds like a personal problem."

"Yes, um, I agree, but, uh, the window is kind of stuck and won't open wide enough. Would you send maintenance up?"