Obsession

"Minah... are you..."

"Please don't tell anyone," she begged. "I'm so ashamed. I don't know who else to talk to, Cecily. I just can't... I didn't mean..."

"Is he hurting you?"

She stopped, eyes wide.

"No," she gasped. "No, he's... no."

"But you—"

"He would never. How could you... Cecily, he wouldn't... he would never hit me."

"I know," I said hurriedly. "I just... the way you..."

She started laughing, a musical tinkle as she shook her head.

"No, no. I didn't... I can see why you'd think that. He's not. He loves me, Cecily."

I nodded, but I wasn't quite sure if I believed her.

**

Two weeks before the wedding, Minah and Axel had everyone in the bridal party over to their place for dinner. I didn't know if rumours of my strange behaviour had spread to everyone or if I was just particularly withdrawn that night, but I found myself sitting next to Axel on the couch as the party went on without us.

There was a forcefield of misery on that couch. The joy from the party hit the air around us and stuck our glass shield before trickling to the ground, like a bird on a window, like blood on a wall, dribbling down and down till it hit the floor with a splat. Axel's eyes were focused forward, watching Minah. My eyes were focused forward, watching anything but Axel. Every so often, Minah glanced in our direction, something foreign and unreadable in her warm eyes.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked.

"Yep."

I kept my head straight but flicked my eyes toward him. He didn't move, just continued watching Minah.

"Are you sure?"

His Adam's apple bobbed just slightly as he swallowed.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

I turned my head toward him. "There's a scratch on your neck."

That got his attention. He took his eyes off Minah and reached up to touch the faint line that ran from just below his ear to the collar of his sweater. As soon as his hand moved, I saw Minah glance over again, her shoulders tense.

"Here?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Happened when I was getting a haircut. Guy slipped."

I stared at him, unblinking. "Oh."

Axel met my eyes.

he's lying

There was something lurking beneath the blue irises that made me shiver. Something cold. Something not quite balanced. Something familiar.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes."

My fingers moved on my thigh of their own accord. Tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap.

Axel's fingers echoed the movement, almost unconsciously, and a prickling sense of uncertainty crept up my spine.

"Something's different," I said.

"What?"

"Something's wrong. What's wrong?"

He said nothing, but something was. That lurking little something beneath his eyes surfaced for a fraction of an instant and it wasn't guilt or anger or danger. It was something familiar, something hurt, something threatening to become unhinged.

takes one to know one doesn't it

"Axel, if something—"

"Drop it."

"But you—"

"You're mistaken."

"Yes, but that's not—"

"Cecily." His voice was barely a whisper. "I'm getting married next month."

he knows

"I'm happy for you."

"Me too."

he knows he knows he knows he

"Okay, well, I'm glad you're okay."

He didn't say anything and I stood up, said goodbye to Minah, and left.

Except for in my memories, I didn't see him again until the wedding.

**

Everyone knew I was crazy. I was only there because it would have been rude to uninvite me to the wedding, to replace me as a bridesmaid, to tell crazy Cecily that she couldn't be there because she made people uncomfortable with her staring and her tapping and the sick desire written across her face.

They pretended they didn't know, but I knew they knew. I knew they were faking it. I knew they were just being polite when they said hello and hugged me, that they were listening to my thoughts and knew how fucked up I was. I pretended with them, acted like nothing was wrong. I was the perfect bridesmaid, attentive and demure. I oohed and awed and teared up at all the right moments. I hugged the right people, held the flowers, built a wall in my mind that I thought would block my fantasies from everyone.

I pictured it; bricks upon stone upon concrete, built up, up, up, rising into the clouds and buried beneath the dirt. It was attacked by invaders but held strong, battered by rain and thunder and wind. Where that came from, I didn't know, nobody knew. No one could tell me, nobody knows where the wind comes from or where the wind goes, but my wall kept it out, kept them all out.

After nearly spilling wine all over Minah's wedding dress and making the waiter look at me like I was unstable—which I was, but that was beside the fucking point—I cleaned up my dress as best I could. Natasha dashed into the bathroom as I was drying the fabric beneath the hand dryer.

"Minah and Axel are about to give a speech," she blabbered. "They're just waiting on you. Are you good?"

Good? No. I was not good. Not in any sense of the word. I was not good mentally, good ethically, feeling good, morally good, any sort of fucking good.

"Yeah, I'm good." The stain on the skirt of my dress was almost unnoticeable, just an inked shadow sprayed atop my thigh.

"It cleaned out pretty well."

Natasha sounded like she was being friendly, but it was fake. I knew it was fake. I could tell she hated me, could tell she knew how wrong it was for me to be there, that she could see my thoughts and knew what had startled me so badly.

I nodded at her, reinforced the wall, and stared straight ahead as I walked back to my seat. Minah and Axel were sitting in their spots, Axel leaning towards her, his lips brushing against her ear as he whispered something. She was giggling and blushing, manicured fingers pressed to her lips.

I didn't look at them. I did, but I didn't. I went back to my chair, took a sip of the wine glass that had magically reappeared and been refilled, and waited.

Moments later, the ear-splitting tinkle of knives on glass clanged through the hall as Minah and Axel stood. They made all the appropriate gestures—embarrassed waves, playfully begrudging submission, a lingering and loving kiss that elicited cheers and sighs—before stepping to the microphone on the podium set up just beside the table.

Axel stood silently beside Minah as she spoke. She was eloquent and sweet, thanking her parents for paying for the wedding, Axel's parents for their support, all the out-of-town guests who had travelled oh-so-far just to celebrate the fact that they would be having government-sanctioned sex with each other for the rest of their beautiful, perfect lives.

And then she told them what I did.

"...the best wedding party we could possibly ask for. I have to give a special thanks to one of my bridesmaids. Not that you aren't all completely amazing, but, well... Cecily, can you stand up for a sec?"

Me?

Oh, God. She was going to tell everyone. She knew, she had heard me, and she was going to tell everyone in the room that I was in love with Axel and that I touched myself to the thoughts and sounds of them fucking and that I was obsessed I was a creep I was gross and creepy and weird and wrong and—

"Cecily?"

I stared at her for a moment, stricken with nerves. Minah smiled gently and gestured for me to stand. I staggered to my feet, shoulders tense, ready to bolt the moment she revealed my secrets to everyone.

"If you don't know my best friend Cecily Larch, you are doing yourself a disservice. Cecily is the sweetest, kindest, most caring person I know. She's brilliant and creative and an incredibly talented poet." Minah beamed at me from where she stood. "And if it weren't for Cecily, none of us would be here today. Cecily, thank you for introducing me to the love of my life. You brought me and Axel together and I am so grateful for it. Everyone, please raise your glass to my beautiful bridesmaid Cecily."

I jerked a hand into the air and waved awkwardly at the other guests. Heat was rising through me, redness that started in my bones and seared my muscles and stained my skin.

supposed to go hug her now you have to go hug minah now move your fucking legs

Minah opened her arms as I scurried toward her, wrapping them around me as flashbulbs popped around us, strobing lights catching memories like mice in traps. She hugged me, turning her head so she could speak in my ear.

"Thank you so much. Love you to pieces."

"You too," I choked, trying to pretend the emotions eating me from the inside out were happiness and joy instead of terror and obsession.

"I owe you everything." Axel's voice was quiet, flat, but not emotionless.

I tilted my neck up, up, up to look in his eyes.

"I'm happy for you both," I whispered.

It would have been weird if I hugged Minah and not Axel. I forced myself not to linger, forced myself to hold still, to keep from trembling, to look normal act normal be normal for five fucking seconds, Cecily, everybody's watching.

They kindly pretended I wasn't a freak. No one called out my strangeness, no one accused me of loving Axel, no one described my sick fantasies, and I sat back down with a racing heart and sweating palms and the scorching feel of Axel's arms burning around my body.

Minah kept talking. She talked and talked and talked. What she actually said was a mystery. I could think of nothing but Axel, nothing but his body, nothing but the ache of having to witness him love somebody else. Her words were the soundtrack to the cracking of my heart, the festering of those weeds in my mind, the way they rotted and started breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.

Rain. Her words were rain. I couldn't make out what the words were, as mysterious as an incantation, an alien language, jumbled nonsense that didn't matter. It was the sound of her words that mattered, the music behind them, something almost cleansing and healing and...

And it was going to be okay.

For a moment, just a moment, a beautiful, clear, sane moment, I thought it was going to be okay. It came from nowhere and went nowhere, the wind again, battering down the wall I'd built because it wasn't needed.

He loved her. She loved him. What more could I want for a man I loved and my best friend? They were happy, and I was... I wasn't happy, but I would be, one day. It was like the fog lifted, like the world grew bright, like the dandelions were cut down and cleared and I could breathe, I could think, I wasn't Crazy Cecily, I was just... me.

No one could read my fucking mind. What kind of paranoid bullshit...

I glanced at Minah. Axel stood beside her, his hand resting on the podium, and the gold ring around his finger glinted as he tapped his fingers.

Tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap.

My jaw twitched as I echoed the taps. I couldn't stop myself from doing it, couldn't control my fingers.

Tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap.

The moment of clarity fogged back up, not quite as thick as before, but no longer crystal clear. When Minah stopped speaking, I clapped politely along with everyone. The jingle of knives against glasses rang through the hall, Axel pulled Minah's face to his, and I excused myself from the table again.

**

Minah found me in the coatroom.

Her voice floated among the hanging garments, twirling between them like wind through the trees.

"Cecily?"

I held my breath, hoping she wouldn't look behind the second-last row of coats, praying she wouldn't see me sitting on the ground in the corner with tears in my eyes. There were a thousand reasons I didn't want to be discovered and only most of them were because of my feelings for Axel. A few of them were because it was Minah's wedding day and she shouldn't have to deal with a crying bridesmaid.

It was supposed to be her day.

When she appeared at the end of the row of coats, I thought perhaps her eyes would gloss over me. Maybe I could pass as a pile of rags in the corner, a sad, forgotten lump of fabric, invisible and intangible, worth more as a simple pile of rags than it would be with myself included.

"What are you... are you crying?"

"No." I wiped my cheeks furiously as Minah started down the row, the skirt of her dress trailing behind her.

"Cecily, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You lie," she said kindly.

Before I knew what was happening, she was floating to the ground beside me, skirt billowing around her legs as she settled on the ground.

"Minah! Your dress."

"It's only a dress," she said, and took my hand. "Why are you crying?"

because you married the only man i've ever wanted ever loved ever thought about and i can't have him and this is painful minah it fucking hurts it would be easier to just die it would be enough to just

"Cecily?"

if you can fucking hear me minah why do i have to say it outloud

She stared at me, silent, unreactive. My face turned red.

crazy fucking cecily

"It's your wedding day," I croaked. "Don't worry about this."

"You're my best friend," she whispered. "Please tell me. Is it... you don't, you know..."

she knows

"...don't be mad, but is it because you... you're lonely?"

"Yes," I breathed. "Of course. I just... I wish I had someone like... I mean, not like Axel, obviously, but... I wish I had what you two have."

good cover cecily that didn't sound suspicious at all you fucking moron

She pretended to accept my words as truth and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I know it must be hard."

"Please don't be," I said. "It's your wedding day and I'm so... happy for you. I just needed a moment."

"Let me take the moment with you. I could use a break from the chaos."

She sat with me for a moment and then a moment more, her closeness comforting. I rested my head against her shoulder as we sat on the floor of that coatroom, listening to her breathe, telling myself that if I couldn't have him, at least it was Minah who did.

"I'm going to set you up," she said suddenly.

"Huh?"

I straightened up, turning my head to look at Minah. She grinned, eyes sparkling as she took my hand.

"On a date. I know the perfect person."

She did know the perfect person, but I doubted she would set me up with her husband. Still, I squeezed her hand, smiled, and said I'd like that.

**

The man she set me up with was exactly like Axel, if Axel had been the exact opposite of himself in every way.

Where Axel had eyes of ice, Blaine's were warm and hazel. Axel's hair was the darkest shade of red that could still be called ginger; Blaine's seemed to be spun from sunbeams and gold. Axel was tall, broody, dark; Blaine was broad, chipper, and opinionated.

Blaine was everything I thought was my type during the pre-Axel part of my life. Post-Axel, he was acceptable.

My feelings for Blaine were hard to put into words. I couldn't say I loved him. What I knew as love was reserved for Axel. That feeling wasn't love either, not really, not normal love, but I didn't know what love was. I couldn't know what love was.

Still, Blaine was there. He was attractive enough, seemed kind enough, was good enough in bed that I couldn't really complain. Minah introduced us two weeks after her wedding. They worked together before Minah opened her studio, teaching different workout classes at the same gym. Minah taught yoga; Blaine did all manner of classes related to strength training.

We met for dinner at a bar not too far from my basement suite. I was supposed to meet him at 7:30 but walked in the bar closer to 8.

"Sorry I'm late," I said.

Blaine smiled at me from across the table.

"No worries. Got caught up at work?"

no i just didn't want to come

"Yeah, something like that."

"It happens. Hope you don't mind but I ordered a drink while I was waiting."

"Not at all." I flagged the waitress down. "Let me catch up to you."

He laughed, a bright, easy sound.

"That's the kind of thing I like to hear."

We ate and talked. Well, Blaine talked. I listened, drifting in and out on the topics until he frowned and knocked on the table.

"Hey, if you're not into this date, that's cool, but—"

"I am," I said quickly. My face turned red and I tapped my fingers on the table. "I just... sorry. It was a long day. I feel like I must be boring you."

"You're a little quiet. Just makes me want to know what's going on inside that head of yours."

He grinned, teeth almost twinkling from the charm he was trying to exude. I bit my lip, smiling, and Blaine must have thought the charm worked.

Really, it just made me certain that Blaine couldn't read my thoughts and therefore really might be the perfect man for me.

We drank some more and I talked a bit, telling him about my writing and my job and how that was all I really had going on. We talked about movies and TV shows. I asked him about books but Blaine said he didn't really read much. And we drank more, and more, and more, until hours had passed and we were stumbling out of the bar together.

"So, uh..." Blaine said.

I had an arm around his shoulder, both of us leaning against the other to keep from tumbling on the sidewalk.

"Over there," I said.

"Huh?"

"I live there." I gestured in the general direction of my place.

"You asking me to come back to your place?"

"No, I'm telling you to come back to my place."

We both laughed hysterically and staggered down the sidewalk.

He followed me in, lips crushing against mine as soon as the basement door swung shut behind us. Before I could even turn the lights on, he was fumbling with my jacket, pushing it down my arms and I was pulling at the hem of his shirt.

"Fuck, you're eager," he murmured as I gave up on his shirt and started unbuckling his belt.

"Is that a complaint?"

The response was a hand suddenly gripping my breast, squeezing painfully hard as I gasped against his mouth.

We stumbled through the dark basement to my bed, clothes shedding here and there as we undressed each other. He reached for the light when we crossed into the bedroom, but I grabbed his wrist.

"I like the dark," I murmured.

He chuckled, his hands finding the band of my bra and unhooking it.

"Little bit of a freak, Cecily?"

"You don't know the half of it."

He laughed again and kissed me, grabbed my tits, and pushed his hardening cock against my pelvis.

I let him grab me, let him fondle my breasts and suck on my nipples and push me to my knees in front of him. Pulling his boxers down, I took his cock in my mouth and let him grab my hair, let him control the speed of my head. He started slowly, respectfully slowly, but as I continued, he moved my head faster and harder until he was practically humping my face, his cock buried in the back of my throat.

He came without warning, grunting as he shot a load of cum down my throat. My nose dripped and eyes watered, but I swallowed all of it as he panted above me.

"Fuck, you're good," he mumbled.

I was mildly disappointed. I had been hoping to fuck him, hoping he'd take my mind off Axel, hoping against hope that he would fuck me so good I'd forget about my obsession. The disappointment faded when Blaine helped me up, kissed me heatedly, and pushed me onto my back on the bed.

He yanked my jeans and panties off before crawling between my legs. I could barely make out the outline of his body, but even in the dark I could picture the grin on his face as he put his palms on my thighs, spread my legs, and dipped his head down between my legs.

His tongue was talented, I had to give him that. He licked up and down my pussy, dipping his tongue into my dripping hole before flicking it against my clit. I gasped as he started ravishing my clit, moaning and squirming as something other than my own hand touched me there.