Occultation

I told her this, once, and she was silent for quite some time before she delicately changed the subject with a strangely husky voice.

She'd tell me about parties or events she was going to, and started sending me selfies beforehand so she could have a reliable opinion on her choice of outfit. Not that she needed it, she always looked fantastic - tall, graceful, and wonderfully glamorous.

So to pay her back I started sending her snaps from the yachts, or when I was on the beach.

She yelled at me over those, laughing, telling me that it was unfair of me to gloat.

"So come visit then," I challenged her, one early summer Sunday evening.

"So make me," she retorted, amused.

And I sent her a photo of a bottle of champagne, and, laughing, she told me she'd think about it.

She must have - for a total of maybe three minutes - because when we said goodbye that evening, she said she'd see me the next weekend.

I didn't sleep much that night, for many reasons.

.:.

My phone rang, and I fumbled it up from my bedside table. "Jamie's body. Hello."

"Are you seriously still in bed?"

"Fee. Hi. Yeah. Sorry, late night. Got invested in a book."

"My God. What happened to you?"

"Maturity," I grumbled, and she laughed.

"Well. I'm here."

"Here? Where's here?"

"In Cape Town. At my parents' place. And... Jamie, I was wondering..."

"What?"

"I wanted to go walk along Noordhoek beach. So I was curious whether... whether I could twist your arm to escort me?"

"Give me five minutes to put on my human suit."

She laughed again. "I love how you're always up for adventure."

"With you? Always. You're my partner in crime."

"Mm. Flatterer. Pick you up in... call it half an hour, and we can drive the long way around?"

"Sounds awesome. I'll slap some fresh paint on and be waiting out front."

"See you now, lover."

She hung up, and I stared at my phone, bemused by her choice of words. Then, laughing, I shook my head. She'd always delighted in pushing my buttons.

Twenty minutes later I clambered into the front of her rental Audi, and reached over to give her a hug.

"Got your hat and sunscreen?" she said, smiling.

"And water and snacks and a towel."

"Good man. Off we go then."

We climbed out of the city bowl, and descended down the Atlantic side of the mountain on the long, scenic coastal roads past Camps Bay and around into the deep, hippie South. I lounged back into the passenger seat, listening with half an ear to the radio and glancing over often at my friend.

She'd chosen a low-cut peach strapless vest and a billowing white skirt of what looked like coarse-weave linen - good for airflow in what was promising to be a rather warm morning. The straps of her blue bikini top stood out against her skin, and were tied off in a messy bow behind her neck.

"Enjoying the view?" she asked, giving me an amused glance.

"Absolutely," I said, with a lecherous leer.

"Mhmm."

She flushed slightly, and I grinned widely at her.

"Stop it," she laughed.

"No."

"You're distracting me," she protested.

"That's your fault, not mine. For the record, that outfit really suits you. You look fantastic."

"Thanks, Jamie. That... that means a lot, coming from you."

.:.

We parked in one of Felicity's friend's parents's aunt's uncle's sister's brother's driveways. To be honest, I lost track of the complicated explanation of how she knew the old man who waved and smiled at her, but whatever tenuous connection she had meant that we were close to the beach despite the huge number of cars already hunting parking in the area.

She picked up a straw hat from the back seat and perched it on her head, then gave me an almost shy smile as she stepped up to my side.

"Jamie? Thank you. It's really... nice to be here with you," she said, softly.

"Thanks for bringing me."

"You're welcome. Come on, let's get going. It will be nice and cool down by the water."

"How far do you want to walk?"

"Remember the old shipwreck? About halfway? I'd like to see if we can get there before it gets too hot or windy."

"Never been there, but it sounds good to me."

She took my hand and held it as we walked down to the beach. I took her sandals for her and stowed them in my small running backpack, and then we set off towards the distant southern hills, sticking to the intertidal zone where the sand was cool and firm underfoot.

A gentle offshore breeze slowly built, and her skirt billowed around her shapely legs as we walked. I tried not to watch her too closely, but I had to admit that she'd been born with a beachgoer's physique - and with graceful curves to her posture that I could not help but desire.

She really was a stunningly beautiful woman.

And my heart gave a sad lurch.

I forced the sadness down and away, focussed on being light and present and with her.

"You're very quiet," she said, glancing at me.

"It's... it's just nice to be here with you. Just walking. Just... listening to the waves, and the wind. Knowing that you're... spending this time on me and me alone."

She clamped her hat in her hand as a brief gust tugged at it. The waves and the horizon behind her framed her body and answering smile perfectly.

"I like having this time to spend," she said. "I like... I've always liked doing these simple things with you. I like that you... that you appreciate it. That... you value it."

"How could I not?"

"Sometimes you've made me wonder about that."

"I was young and stupid and unaware of how... of how rare and special a friendship like what we had was."

"Mm. You keep saying things that imply the past tense."

"Sorry. I'm still lodged firmly in apology mode."

"Apology accepted. Now stop," she said, amused. "Be present."

"Yes, mistress."

"And stop that too."

"Yes, mistress."

She laughed, and elbowed me gently in the ribs.

We settled into a moderate gait, climbing and descending over the gentle undulations in the shore, dodging the occasional larger wave that raced up over the sand.

"It's been years since I was last here," I said.

"Why?"

"Too cold and exposed to swim, and nobody to walk or run with. The mountain's closer and a better workout, one of the main routes up starts about a kilometre from my door, and these days I'm mostly in the bay itself rather than on the beach."

"This is my chapel," she said, softly. "There's no other place like it. So I like to come back here whenever I can. Pity it's not safe to come alone."

"Well. Any time you want to, you just let me know."

She glanced up at me. "I may take you up on that, Jamie."

"You should. I'd love to walk more with you. It's just such a shame you're not based down here any more."

"Are you allergic to Johannesburg?" she asked, somewhat tartly.

I took a few steps, and sighed. "Probably unfairly, yes. Lots of family Christmases up there. I just have memories of it being dusty and hot."

"Mm. Maybe you should come visit and get over your prejudices."

"I'll... see what I can do. Perhaps next month? I'm due some leave anyway."

"That would be nice."

She moved in closer, and linked her arm through mine, and I knew that I was forgiven for whatever boneheaded thing I'd just said or done.

I sighed quietly.

So did she.

.:.

We sat, staring out at the dark blue water, watching the rollers crash onto the rocks and spend themselves on the shore. I'd wrapped my towel around her shoulders to keep the growing breeze off her; I knew from past experience how quickly she could go from okay to freezing.

I was acutely conscious of her beside me; acutely aware of the gentle pressure of her hip and thigh against mine, of the way she'd occasionally lean in against me as we talked.

And what was most maddening was that I was sure that it was innocent on her part. But the constant close proximity to her had my mind freewheeling like a crack-addled hamster that had got into the caffeine pills.

Strange fantasises kept crossing my mind. I felt a strong urge to put my hand on her thigh, to lean in. When our eyes met I had to fight down the desire to kiss her. She'd sometimes lean her cheek against me, and it was almost all I could do not to put my arm around her shoulders or waist.

And I was struggling constantly not to try to snatch looks at her moderate but perfect cleavage.

But I could not square any to these urges with our reality; and I suspected that any such action on my part would firstly earn me an agonising punch to the stomach or worse, and secondly terminate our friendship with near-immediate effect.

So I kept my answers light, my responses well within the normal zone of at worst 'slightly flirty'.

Meanwhile, my inner chimpanzee shrieked and gibbered and shook the bars of his cage.

Fee also seemed ill at ease. She kept crossing and recrossing her legs. She kept fiddling with the fabric of her skirt, winding and unwinding it in her fingers. And she was more flushed than she should be given the chill breeze. She spent a lot of time watching me, rather than the waves. Even when I wasn't talking. And, occasionally, when laughing, she'd forget herself and gently touch my knee.

She was probably just tired and happy, and felt that she could relax around me. That was my self-preserving deduction, and I clung to it like it were a talisman of protection.

"We should go soon," she said softly, at last. "I've got to get to another... engagement."

"That's... a shame."

"Yeah. It is. This is the longest and best stretch of uninterrupted time that I've ever had with you. Well. While I was awake, that is."

"True. We did snore the prior one away."

She sighed. "You know something, Jamie? I miss the simplicity of this when I'm not here. I miss being able to just reach out to you and know you're there. That you'll drop everything at a moment's notice and come along for whatever mad scheme I'm embarking on. Nobody else is as spontaneous with me as you are."

I leaned forward, wrapped my arms around my knees. "Life is a lot less fun without you around, Fee. I've got nobody who will dance with me any more."

She grinned. "That's because you're so bad at it."

"Oh. Ouch. You wound me, madam."

She laughed, leaned in, and I shivered as she planted a gentle kiss on my shoulder.

"Come," she said, softly. "Lets go."

She stood, and offered me her hand. She leaned back and pulled me to my feet, but as I started to let go she simply knotted her fingers in between mine, trapping me.

And I was content to hold her hand as we turned our backs on the sea and walked away.

She drove me home, and dropped me outside my building. She hopped out as well, came round the car, and gave me a long, lingering hug goodbye.

"Thank you for the walk," she whispered.

"Be well, Fee."

"See you... later, Jamie."

I stood there like an abandoned pet, fighting the urge to run after her as she drove away.

.:.

I'd expected to maybe get an sms or Whatsapp message from her or something, but when she phoned me that evening I could immediately tell that she was down.

"Fee? Hey, gorgeous."

"Hey, lover."

"What's up?"

"Jamie... I'm... I'm parked outside. Can I... come up?"

"Why are you even asking? Of course you can. I'll come down and let you in. Bring your car round to the gates."

"Thanks, Jamie. God, I'm so glad I have you."

"See you now."

I grabbed my windbreaker and my sneakers and sprinted down the stairs to the basement of the building. I could see the bright white headlights of her car at the powered gate; I tagged her in with my access card and loped round to a vacant visitor's bay near the stairwell. She parked up, and squeezed out between the car and the adjacent wall. She rummaged briefly in the boot, and emerged with a bottle of red.

"Spoils of defeat," she said softly. "I thought I'd ask if you wanted to share it with me."

And then she just came to me and leaned in against me, shuddering, and I wrapped my arms tightly around her and held her for a breath, for two.

"Fee?"

"Yes."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm... tired and sad. I just... just needed to be around you for a bit. For one blessed evening of peace before I head back to reality."

"Come on then. Lets get out of this cold."

She was wan and completely out of sorts; I hovered closer than I normally would, and as the lift shuddered upwards she leaned in against me with a sigh. I put my arm around her and kept it there as we made our way down the narrow corridor to my flat's door. I let her in and she said nothing as I got her settled at my kitchen counter, but she managed a small, grateful smile as I poured her a glass of the red she'd brought.

"So talk to me," I said softly, as I poured my own glass.

"A close friend announced her engagement today. And... I guess... I just got overtaken by a bit of jealousy is all."

"You're not the jealous type," I said. "That's... really abnormal for you."

"Life has changed me, I guess."

"Now that's a crime."

"Are you saying I'm not allowed to feel things?"

I flinched at the note in her voice.

"No, Fee," I said, staring at her. "That's not what I meant at all."

"Sorry," she said, after a moment. She shook her head and sighed. "I... it's just... been a rough day."

I leaned forward, peered upwards at her, doing my wide-eyed-labrador-retriever impression.

She snorted, but couldn't help but smile briefly.

"So talk me through it," I said. "I'm here, and you've got my captive attention."

"Mm."

"I can't help if you don't ask for it."

"I don't want help. I... have to work through it by myself. It's just... I'm... feeling like... stuff is passing me by."

"Stuff?"

"Life. I spend so much time working, focussed on chasing one of my dreams... that I have nobody to share it with. And... and that's starting to hurt."

"You have me," I said, softly.

"You know what I mean, Jamie. You're a thousand kilometres away. You might as well be on the moon."

She sighed.

"Watching Emily tonight... I felt glad for her. But... I felt bitter for myself. Does that make me a bad person?"

"No. Not at all. It's human. We all want to belong."

"You don't seem to..."

"I'm just far worse at expressing myself, Fee. Just because I can't articulate it doesn't mean I don't feel it... deeply. If I didn't have you I'd be completely alone. So I'm... enormously thankful that I get to have you in my life, such as it is."

She took a long draught of her wine. "It's criminal to drink this like I am doing," she said, gasping a breath, "But right now I don't care. Right now it's about... surviving this."

"This?"

"This... speedbump."

"The bed is yours if you want to stay here tonight."

"I... I do. I'd... like that."

"Ok then, that's settled. Are you hungry?"

"A bit," she confessed. "Wasn't... very hungry at the event. Just... nauseated, really. Everything lost its savour all of a sudden."

"Right. I'll get right on that then. My personal mission for tonight is to ensure you come out of it tip top."

"You always take such good care of me, Jamie," she said.

And she sounded so sad as she said it that my own facade nearly broke.

I dug deep.

"You're my bestie, and you're welcome," I said lightly, smiling over my shoulder at her. "I... like having you to take care of."

"I should kidnap you and take you back up north with me," she sighed.

.:.

She slowly unwound. Slowly the shadow of sadness dissipated. She began to tease me, which was usually a sign that she was feeling good about life. She devoured her helping of the chicken and pepperdew pasta that I made for us, and took seconds with a happy little groan. Then she curled up on my couch under a grey fleece throw. She watched me, inscrutable as an owl as I cleaned up after us.

"You're very well domesticated," she said at one point. "Most guys I've had dinner with would leave the mess for the morning at best."

"I like having everything ready. To me there is literally nothing worse than having to wash a pan before I can make hangover bacon. Or, even worse, having to rinse a mug when all I want is a coffee. If I put in the effort now, tomorrow is easy."

She grinned. "Is that what we're eating tomorrow? Hangover bacon?"

"Guilty as charged, I'm afraid."

"I should move in."

I laughed at that. "You'd kill me within a week."

"Perhaps," she said, with a smile. "But you'd love it before I got to murder."

"Uh huh."

I finished wiping down the surfaces and washed my hands. Then I retired to my corner of the couch and leaned back with a sigh. I stretched out my legs, and she leaned forward to throw some of the throw over me. Her dress rode up and I flushed and glanced away from the glimpse I was given of the negligible amount of sheer black lace she was wearing under it.

"Don't mind me," she said, softly, as she tugged everything back into place.

"I really don't," I responded, laughing softly.

"Typical boy, trying to sneak a look up my dress."

"Guilty as charged, I'm afraid."

"Mm. I hope you got a good look at least."

"Just a small one."

"Uh huh."

She shifted her legs onto mine and leaned her head against the backrest, watching me. "How come you're single, Jamie? What's the real reason? Scared of commitment?"

I eyed her, sipped my wine, sighed.

"What is it?" I felt her foot shifting as she drew idle circles with it.

"Relationships are... hard for me, Fee. The ones I've been in always felt like I was giving... way more than I was getting. Maybe it's just the type of women I was interested in... back then. But... they always devolved to this point where I'd rather be alone, cold and wet in the mountains somewhere than around them. There was always just too much drama, too much needless conflict about what seemed like utterly insignificant stuff. That's... not a good space to be in."

"Fair enough. You want someone you can talk to."

"Someone like... well, like you... would be nice, yes."

"Are my clones in short supply, then?" she said. She shifted slightly, leaned back further.

"I've never met anyone else quite like you, that's for sure. Life's short on goddesses these days."

She grinned, then drank her wine.

"So. My turn. Why is someone as beautiful and lovely as you alone?"

She coughed into her wine, spluttered for breath. She laughed when she could, and stretched over to put her glass down on the floor. "That's the first time someone's used that adjective on me. Beautiful, huh?"

"Stunningly so," I said, meeting her gaze. "You're tall, dashing, glamorous, intelligent, witty... and with those eyes, I'm surprised there aren't corpses of heartbroken men stacked up to the ceiling outside your door."

"Oh, Jamie," she said, with a strangely lopsided grin. "You're such an innocent sometimes. And, anyway, as if I'd want to step over bodies every morning. Eeuw."

I grinned at her.

"I've... wanted someone for a long time," she said softly, after a while. "But... they are... let's call it... unavailable. Emotionally at least. So... I guess I've walled that bit of me off and... tried to move on."

"I'm sorry. That must have been really difficult to have to do."

"It was. And it... still is. I see him occasionally, he seems well though so I... try not to perturb things. I take what I can without hurting him and then leave him. But... oh, it's hard. It's always hard to say goodbye to him."

"Have you ever thought of just telling him?"

"I dunno. It would probably scare him off. And... he's never been very quick on the uptake. Even for a guy. He's the least perceptive intelligent person I've ever met, at times."

"He sounds like a complete idiot."

"Oh... he can be a bit dense, sometimes. But... you know what they say. The heart knows what it wants. I can't help how I feel about him. And... I hear guys are just really bad at picking up signals. Anyway. It is what it is. I've learned to... live with what I can get."