Official Choices Ch. 04

Hannah slid up into her lap and put her arms around her neck, "Just the fact you're trying, tells me I'm an idiot. I... I hate myself. For making you cry. I... It hurts. This trip."

"You need space." Lorelai said glumly, looking down. "You... Feel like you've forgotten who you are."

"No. I don't." Hannah shook her head, lifting Lorelai's face by the chin, "Cuz. You... You said loving me, loving a girl, never felt more right for you. You assumed I wasn't as sure. You're wrong. It's sweet you found me a guy, but I'm not interested at all. I know I like you and no one else. I know being with a girl feels better than a guy. I... I'm gay. Apparently."

Lorelai felt a tear slip down her cheek, "Then... Why...?"

"I don't get it either." Hannah shook her head, fighting back her own tears, "I... I just hate myself for it. It doesn't make sense. Mum and Dad have always been encouraging. For fuck's sake, they had a foursome with your parents to make the pair of us. Our parents aren't exactly regressive. Mum's proud of me for being gay. Dad... I don't think he cares either way. But I just... I do. I feel like it's wrong. And I don't know why, which means I hate myself even worse."

The blonde stared through blurry eyes as the tears streamed down both her cheeks, dripping off her chin as it spasmed. She couldn't stop them, even though she was trying. Her throat felt raw and raspy. It was hard to breathe.

Hannah leaned their foreheads together, "You deserve better than me."

Lorelai's hand stung as she slapped her girlfriend. She hadn't meant to do it. She hadn't even thought about it. It just... Happened. She stared in surprise as if her hand had betrayed her, and cringed, not daring to look at Hannah. "I... Sorry."

"First, ow. Second... The hell? What did I say?"

Lorelai's head snapped up, knocking into Hannah's and making them both groan. After they respositioned and rubbed at the affected places, Lorelai took a deep breath. "Fuck you, Hannah. Fuck you for stealing my girlfriend from me. And fuck you for saying she isn't good enough. Fuck you for looking down on the person I love most in this world. How dare you tell me that I'm dating trash? You are a fucking amazing woman, and I hate you for this. I love you. You're perfect for me. You don't get to tell me otherwise."

"Lor..." Hannah's bottom lip trembled.

She wrapped her arms around her waist, "Shut up and kiss me. Or shut up and go play with the guy. But we're not talking about this anymore. I can't do it. You'll get over yourself, eventually, and learn to trust my judgement. Because that's what couples do. Trust each other. So you need to just give up and trust me that you are worth it! That you are perfect just the way you fucking well are."

Hannah burst openly into tears, "Cuz..."

"I need a new pet name, too. So we can make out in public." Lorelai glared at her through her own tears.

"Who the fuck cares?" Hannah smiled, lip trembling and gave Lorelai the most timid peck to the lips of their dating life.

Lorelai pulled her back down and gave her a slightly firmer, but just as scared, kiss. Hannah's lips briefly parted as they came together, like she wanted more, but was too afraid.

"Can you tell everyone else to go? I wanna cry myself to sleep in your arms. Unless you're going to try and screw Chris, still."

Hannah gave a small laugh, "Cuz... Gay. Not bi. I should have found him cute. I would have. But... Not even a tingle, anymore. Honestly... The idea of a dick is a... Turnoff, now. Even Dad's or Teo's."

"Hug to sleep? Please?" Lorelai begged.

Hannah shouted loudly, voice echoing in the landscape, "Go without me!"

Then, the redhead helped Lorelai limp over and into to her tent, and onto the sleeping bag. Hannah zipped the tent closed, then she turned and as she faced Lorelai, she reached behind and undid her bikini top.

She slipped it over her arms and tossed it into a corner of the tent. She lay down beside Lorelai and patted her left breast, "Move over."

Lorelai sniffled and hugged her, positioning her head against her girlfriend and digging her fingernails into her back as she pulled in tight. "Th-thanks... Sorry. That I'm so clingy and -"

"You know, I can't return the slap from this angle." Hannah mused, "Which is kinda annoying. Because if you call my girlfriend a bitch, I'm going to get seriously ticked off with you."

"Hannah...?"

The redhead kissed the top of her head, "Yeah?"

"Why don't you want to marry me? Is it just because you're struggling with... Seeing things, different?" Lorelai whispered.

Hannah made a choked sound, "God, I fucked up. I really made you think it was over, didn't I? Oh, fuck me. Uhm... Lor... I wanted to get my head on straight... So that it would feel right. If I could not hate me, anymore, then I could be sure I wasn't going to hurt you."

She looked up a little, "Hannah?"

"I..."

Lorelai whispered even quieter, "Did... Did you want... To propose...?"

"Y..." Hannah took a deep breath and nodded, unable to get the word out.

She shoved her face into her girlfriend's chest as she burst into tears again. Then she laughed weakly, "Our Dads are going to be piiiissed. We haven't known each other long enough. Blah, blah, blah."

"Mum knows." Hannah whispered back, "She... She said she'd be okay with it. If we have a decent engagement. Like, six months or more like a year. She also wants you to move in, for some of it. Get to know her and Dad, some."

Lorelai sighed, "You know what'll suck? If we do get married... We'd get our own place... And we can't tease dad by him walking in on both of us. That was fun."

"Lor?"

She snuggled in, "Mmm?"

"Will you marry me?" Hannah asked, running a hand through Lorelai's hair.

She shook her head, "Not... Yet. Ask me when I'm not crying like a stupid bitch. I'm too emotional to trust myself... And well... You're scared you'll hate yourself for liking girls. I'm scared of becoming Mum."

"Oh."

Lorelai sighed, "Hannah, that wasn't a no. Seriously wasn't. But... We should do it right, shouldn't we?"

"I guess. Sorry."

She looked up at her, "Though... We haven't done anything else the right way, and it all seems to have worked out."

Hannah shook her head, "No, you're right. It was a shitty proposal. With shitty timing. I should at least get a ring. And do it with a date."

"And find out if I want to propose." Lorelai said with a playful growl.

Her girlfriend gave a small laugh, "Nah, ah. I'm the one who is going to propose, Lor. I called it."

"Fine. Suppose I'll just have to settle for being treated." Lorelai kissed her chest, "S'pose I can let you spoil me rotten, even if it is a hardship."

Hannah hugged her tightly, "Wanna fall asleep planning the wedding, anyways?"

"Mmm. Sucks you can't be our photographer. Guess we could get someone from Dad's work? Though that's probably out of budget." Lorelai frowned.

The redhead made an annoyed sound, "Eugh. I always... Hate having my photo taken. Can't relax, thinking about what they're doing. Ways to improve it, etc. But Uncle Teo's place have some wicked awesome cameras. Makes mine look cheap and nasty."

"Who would be your maid of honour?" Lorelai asked curiously, "I haven't met any of your friends yet. Well, Adi. But most of that day is an angry blur, now."

"Adi's my best friend." Hannah replied with a smile, "Our besties, dating. That's kinda hilarious, isn't it? So... Would you want Kirstie?"

Lorelai shrugged, "She'd probably kill me if I didn't. I don't have a whole heap of friends, just a couple close ones. Kirstie is just the obvious one, I guess... I... I'm not that excited by the idea of a wedding dress. Is that weird? I don't really like the look of long trains, and wedding dresses are just floofy and heavy. I like the thin, Hollywood-style, wedding dresses."

"You could always do a suit. Mmm... Your ass in a suit, that'd be nice and sexy." Hannah grinned.

Lorelai smiled slowly, "Hey... How embarrassed do you think your dad would be if we did a nudist wedding?"

"First, no. No way." Hannah said quickly, and then laughed, "But dad would be a special kind of tomato colour, I think. He'd do it, for me, but... Well... I think he'd be embarrassed. But then... I'm pretty sure he fucked your mum. It's really hard to think of my parents as swingers, or even close to it. They're just... It doesn't fit."

She snuggled in tighter, "I can just imagine dad's judgemental stare. He wouldn't say anything. But he wouldn't need to."

"God, Uncle Teo's judging stare." Hannah moaned, "It's the worst."

Lorelai kissed her chest gently, "Do you think he'd give it to us, if he came back and found us next to the fire... Doing stuff?"

"I still don't like me."

She nodded, "I know. I haven't tried to put my hand in your pants, have I? Or sucked those tempting titties. Haven't done anything at all. Even though make-up sex would kinda feel right in this sort of situation, wouldn't it?"

"Lor... Why do you like my pussy?" Hannah asked curiously.

She shrugged, "I have no idea. But I do. It isn't like a cunt is that pretty, objectively. I don't like the look of my own. And we both taste salty. I guess... I like it, because it makes you feel good. The excitement makes it into something pretty. Instinct, or something."

"Yours is adorable." Hannah said slowly, "And... Because I was the bitch... And I'm the one with hangups... We could still have make-up sex."

Lorelai shook her head, "I like being held, right now."

"Lemme rephrase that. I wanna fuck you, cuz." Hannah said nervously, "I really, really do. I want to show you that I still love you. Still know that you're the best in the world."

"And I wanna be held." Lorelai said with irritation, "I'm not in the mood, Hannah. I'm tired, and sad, and tired. I know, it's not really fair. But you get a pass to act spoiled later. Deal?"

Hannah kissed her lightly, "Deal. Go to sleep, cuz. I'm still gonna be here when you wake up."

"You better be." Lorelai said angrily.

Her girlfriend hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead, "Don't worry. I'm not about to sneak off and screw the guy. I only want you. Thinking of proposing, and everything."

"Not if I propose first." Lorelai mumbled tiredly.

---

Lorelai let out a confused sound as the world fuzzily came into focus around her. The tent was flapping in the wind, and she could smell smoke somewhere nearby. However, there was another sensation that had her complete attention, one she hadn't realised how desperate she was to feel again.

She let out something between a whimper and a moan, and shuddered. "F-fuck, Hannah. Oh, goddamn... Oh... Motherfuck... I'm..."

Her girlfriend popped her head up happily, her chin already shiny, "Morning, cuz! Or rather, night. Dad said I should wake you up for dinner. How you feeling?"

Her face fell, "Teased. Damn it. Everyone's outside waiting, aren't they?"

"Mmm. Yeah." Hannah shrugged, "We could... Keep going?"

Lorelai sat up on her elbows, "I really want to. And you know it. Sometimes, you make it really hard to be crazy about you, Hannah."

"Oh. So this was a crap idea, huh?" The redhead winced.

Lorelai rubbed her face and flopped onto her bed, which she instantly regretted as she smacked her head through the thin foam and onto the rough ground underneath it. "It... It was sweet. But you just... What's the girl equivalent of blue balls? Whatever the fuck that is. You teased me, Hannah, and I, apparently, am hornier than a Greek god."

"Wow. Hornier than Zeus, the god of fucking, cuz?" Hannah said as she scooted up beside her, wrapping one leg around Lorelai's middle. "I... I don't mind finishing. Really. Mum and Dad seem to be encouraging us. And ya Dad was always happy. I think they'll ignore us."

She brushed the tangled hair beside her idly, "I mind. I... Well, it's a bit hypocritical... But... I don't mind if dad catches us, but I do if it's your parents. Especially Celia. I... I feel like I'd disappointed her or some shit. Even though it probably wouldn't be. I just don't want to give her an excuse to think less of me."

Hannah kissed her cheek, "You care what mum thinks, a lot, don't you?"

"She's already more of a mum than I ever had." Lorelai said, wincing. "I... I don't want to lose that. Especially when I almost lost you."

The redhead nearly burst into tears, and buried her head into Lorelai's side, "Fuck! I'm such a... Fuck!"

"Hannah. I... I'm sorry I brought it up." Lorelai said softly, rolling onto her side and awkwardly feeling herself leak a little, "I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm not angry at you. I'm just happy to have you back. I love you. Completely."

"I'm so fucking stupid." Hannah whispered, refusing to look at her, "I didn't even think about how much I was hurting you."

"You needed space."

The redhead shook her head, "I don't think so. I changed my mind. I think what I really needed was... You. The more I'm with you, the more right it feels. I ran, when I should have stayed."

"Our parents are going to think we're crazy if we propose marriage, right?" Lorelai smiled as a left-field idea popped into her head.

Hannah nodded glumly, "Yeah, probably. But they'd still help. That's what they do. Always."

"Mmm. But..." Lorelai lowered her voice to a whisper, "What if we... Used it? Suggest marriage, and when they hesitate... Compromise. They help us get a place to rent. Just the two of us."

"Our own place?" Hannah looked up at her in surprise.

Lorelai kissed her quickly, tasting herself on her cousin's tongue. She shivered and looped her arms around her. Pulling her in close, even as she noted that Hannah was now wearing a t-shirt. Their legs intertwined as she cleaned every inch of her girlfriend's mouth.

"Should we start without you two?" Mateo called from outside.

Hannah flushed, pushing Lorelai back, "Uh..."

"Five minutes!" Lorelai called happily and nuzzled their noses together, before whispering, "Our own place."

The redhead swallowed, "You won't be able to tease Uncle Teo, anymore."

"Sure, I will. If we get a place, then I need a job. Interning at his work, to start with." Lorelai replied, "Whilst you and I do date weekends. I'm still looking forward to the one you planned. But I'm also looking to build a life. With you."

Hannah's eyes watered, "You know how to get to me, you know that, cuz?"

"Depends."

The redhead cocked her head, "Huh?"

"I have... Conditions." Lorelai said as if she wasn't just making everything up on the spot. "If we were to live together, playing at marriage, there would need to be some ground rules."

"So you have some rules to break?"

She giggled, "Pretty much. But anyways... First. I get to wake you up. Just like you just woke me up."

Hannah hesitated, and Lorelai glared, "Non-negotiable. You might find things difficult at the moment, but I don't care anymore. I am going to fuck my girlfriend."

"That's... Okay with me." Hannah whispered.

She relaxed a little, "Second, we have to have a date, every weekend. It can be at home, or out. Big or small. But we have to set it aside as a time for romance. No just getting caught up in life. And we'll take turns. Planning, paying, etcetera."

Hannah kissed her nose, "I can't wait, cuz. I get to dress you up, and you get to dress me down."

"Ssh." Lorelai growled, "I'm already fuckin' horny. Third, we have to do stuff with our parents, too. Like casual luncheons. Which means we don't just get to sneak off and fuck. Gotta act like a real family. I'm not growing apart from dad, right after finding him."

Hannah shrugged, "Sure. That sounds nice."

"Any conditions you want?" Lorelai ran out of ideas.

Her girlfriend frowned, "Mmm... No underwear. For sleeping. We can have cute nighties or whatever, but getting your panties off without waking you is a shitload of effort, and then you wake up the moment I kiss you."

"Deal." Lorelai grinned, "Goes both ways... Uh... Except at that time."

"Ooh. Yeah. Underwear, then." Hannah ran a hand through her hair, "Uhm... That's it, really. Because right now, I really wanna jump you to seal the deal, but getting strong vibes you're not up for that."

"Not with everyone listening." Lorelai sighed, "My ankle doesn't feel as bad. Maybe we can sneak off up the path somewhere, after dinner. Or strongly hint for everyone to give us some more space... Oh. Did you see that Chris guy, outside?"

Hannah shook her head, "Nah. I think he and Rin went back to their campsite."

Lorelai kissed her again, more firmly. She rolled Hannah onto her back, and pushed one hand down and inside her tracksuit pants and bikini bottoms. She found the wet slit she was looking for, dipped inside, making Hannah gasp into her.

Then she sat up, pulled her hand out and sucked her finger, "Mmm. Dinner time."

"Oh, you bitch." Hannah rolled her eyes as Lorelai started unzipping the tent.

Lorelai giggled, "You love me."

"More than anything." Hannah whispered, her voice cracked and full of emotion. Mostly regret.

The two of them emerged, only slightly dishevelled, to discover that Mateo had cooked dinner. Lorelai was getting the distinct impression that her dad was actually a better chef than he let on. He just let Celia take the limelight most of the time.

She smiled, and slipped her fingers through Hannah's and squeezed. Lorelai was still limping a little, as they found a seat. Which meant that she sat first, before pulling her girlfriend into her lap. The wall between them was broken, and she was making up for lost time by being possessive, whether or not like Hannah liked it.

Jonah smiled over at them. An uncertain expression, but one that said he was content, all the same. Probably rejoicing that his daughter wasn't going to keep coming on to him.

Lorelai grinned and kissed at the nape of Hannah's neck, making her shiver. "So what's for dinner, dad?"

Mateo held out a plate to them, "Chicken skewers, baked Potatoes. Sorry, mostly meat, tonight."

She picked up a skewer, and then glared as Hannah instantly bit the top. Lorelai shook her head and nibbled on it, feeling her stomach growl loudly that though her head might not feel hungry, it did.

"Uncle Jonah?"

He looked over in surprise, "Yes, Lorelai?"

"That offer... About me and Hannah..." She said hesitantly, "Um... How much would rent be?"

He blinked in surprise, "Rent?"

"I don't want to owe anything!" She said quickly and nervously, "I... I want to be able to-"

He shook his head, "We can work that out, if and when you feel like you can pay it. Don't worry too much about it. If you want a place of your own, then you have it. We're family. We're here for you."

"With Hannah." She smiled at her girlfriend who was busy stealing some more of her food, "I... I feel downright selfish, asking."

Celia shook her head, "Don't do that, sweetie. Your family has your back. We'll get you a cute little place, within walking distance. So that we can interrupt you on the weekends."

"Oh, wow." Lorelai said in surprise, "You've been... Looking... Haven't you? Even after I turned you down? And you don't have a problem with me and Hannah sharing?"

Her aunt laughed, "Of course. You wanted some time with your father, and as much as I love Teo, I also know that he can be infuriating. You would eventually get through the rose-tinted phase."

"Oh, don't worry about that. I know we're going to fight." Lorelai shook her head, "I get catty, too. But that doesn't mean I'd regret living with him, either. I just think that... With everything that's happened... I want Hannah all to myself, for a bit. Somewhere I can come home from work and just be us. No interruptions."

Mateo nodded, sitting down with his own plate, "That sounds like a good decision. It won't be entirely easy. Living with someone you care about is different than having roommates or living with family. Everyone has their annoying quirks. Learning to talk before, not after, things become a problem is key."