Old Wounds Ch. 04

"Ma!" I called up the stairs, "headed out, I'll be home before too long!"

"Sounds good!" She called back, "I'm making spaghetti for dinner so we'll celebrate you coming home then!"

I did feel bad for skipping out on her so quick, on top of not telling her I was home. In all honesty I could have said something to her, but I'd called Kyle and told him not to tell anyone, he took it literally, and I must have not been in the headspace to let him know he could at least tell my parents. But Mom was understanding so I knew she wasn't too worried about me heading out, though I assumed there would be a slew of questions when I got back.

We already had our boots and coats on, so without any further fanfare we headed out to the barn to fire up the ole girl, if she was willing that is. She was loyal, that's for sure, so I wasn't too worried about it.

A few minutes later saw the old truck clunking to life and Allison and I waiting for her to warm up. I wasn't sure where we were gonna go, but I figured the creek was out of question since there was at least two feet of snow currently on the ground, and I didn't feel like having to use the winch, so I just planned on pointing her in a general direction and seeing where we wound up.

The two of us rode in silence for the first few minutes, her with her mind brewing and planning and me just waiting her out. Women always seemed to be better at this sort of thing anyways. I figured she'd speak first once she collected herself. I definitely didn't have to wait long to find out.

"Ok, so," she began. "We've got two ways to play this as I see it."

"Hit me Kiddo," I said with a smile.

"You either just go balls to the walls rushing in there and tell her today, like now, before she has a chance to even consider saying yes to Connor," she started.

"Please tell me your 'or' is better than that," I laughed.

"Maybe? The 'or' is you take her out to dinner tomorrow night. I'll try to stall her from thinking about Connor until then. We're having a party tonight so she shouldn't be thinking about it today, I'll just have to worry about tomorrow. You can tell her then. Hopefully she's secretly head over heels for you and everything goes great and it's happily ever after!" She babbled like an excited teenager, making me wonder how she found time to breathe through all that.

"Y'all throwin' me a party?" I asked with a grin, knowing she just spilled the beans.

"Shit! Fuck! You didn't hear anything Matt!" She sputtered. "You better act surprised or so help me God you and Katie will NOT have children," she added with a laugh.

"Understood understood," I said as I held up my hands defensively.

I weighed option two in my head, running over the pros and cons, and I didn't really see another option.

"Well, option two definitely is better," I began. "But I'm not so sure about tomorrow. I'm still scared shitless."

"Matt you don't have a choice," she said sadly. "I wish we could take the time to let you do this right, but we're working with what we've got here."

"I know, I know," I conceded. "It still scares the shit out of me. Like, what if she doesn't feel the same? What happens then?"

"You're scared of telling her how you feel, even though it will eat you alive until you do?" She grinned.

"Kiddo I've been shot at, hell I've been SHOT, and even then I've never been as scared as I am right now even THINKING about her saying no, but even with all that, I know I have to. I know I have to tell her how I feel. I know I have to tell her she's my whole world, that I can't sleep at night without dreaming of her, that I can't go a day without thinking about her," I sighed, my voice wavering slightly towards the end.

"You do love her," Allison said after a brief moment of silence.

"I've had my whole life to know her, and the last six months since I woke up to know I love her," I said as sincerely as I could.

By that point, we'd made it through town and were nearing the lake. I knew Mother Superior would be cold anywhere near it with the winds, but in that moment I knew I needed to hear her waves crashing off the black rocks along the shore. It had always been my calming place, where I went to think on the few occasions my brain had coherent thoughts.

Neither of us said anything else as I parked my truck along the road that ran a hundred feet or so from the shore. I didn't say anything as I got out and started walking towards the icy water, and I didn't say anything as I stood there, letting the icy mist and breeze wash over my being, surrounding me in a cloud of tranquility.

I was so lost in my own thoughts I didn't hear her crunching through the snow to stand by my side. I didn't notice her appear next to me, and I barely noticed her slip her hand into mine.

"I'm so scared, so excited, and so ready all at the same time," I laughed nervously.

"Hell, you'd think you were getting ready to propose or something," Allison laughed. "You're just telling her how you feel. You can do it."

"I hope you're right kiddo," I sighed as I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a sideways hug.

I knew I was over exaggerating this. People ask people out all the time. I wasn't even doing that. I was just telling her how I felt about her, and leaving the rest up to fate. I could do this. I guess when you live in blindness for so long, the love you were ignoring seems so much stronger. I just hoped she felt the same way...

**

I wasn't entirely sure what all I'd thought about while standing there, staring at the white capped waves of the freezing Mother Superior. I know I thought about how lucky I was to live in this place, how the beauty of nature was still largely untouched by the poisoned hand of civilization, how the drastic four seasons gave an extremeness to this place that most others lacked, how I knew I wanted to raise my kids here how I was raised, hunting, fishing, and enjoying everything nature had to offer.

That thought, the last part, led me to thinking of my childhood and how wonderful it had been to grow up where we did. Where everyone knew everyone. Away from the crime of cities where we children could run and play for miles all through the woods and never worry about someone hurting us. I thought about making my way through the trees over to Katie's house, acquiring her, then exploring for miles until we finally wound up either in town, where we'd borrow a phone to call home and have someone come get us, or to a buddies house where we'd play with them as well, with their parents driving us home at the end of the day.

I thought about the games we made up. The forts we built. The fish we caught in the creek. For kids who were born right around the turn of the century, who had access to video games and tv readily available to us as kids, we sure did neglect all that and instead used nature as our own video games. It made me sad that most kids growing up in my generation never knew that side of life.

From catching bluegill in the creek to building our "town" in the vast forest surrounding us, I was hard pressed to remember a memory where Katie wasn't right there by my side. Us kids ran wild, got dirty, and played rough, but she was right there with us every time.

Those thoughts led me to think about Katie proper. I couldn't remember a time she wasn't right by my side. I thought about the way she'd laugh every time I did something stupid. I thought about chasing her around the yards and through the trees, never quite being able to catch her. I wondered if that symbolized something to do with the rest of our lives. I wondered if I'd ever catch her.

I thought about catching her. I imagined what my life would be like if she felt the same way. I thought about building a relationship with her, and eventually a life. I wondered what it would look like. How many kids we'd have, what our house would look like. I knew I was getting ahead of myself, but with a girl as special as her, a guy couldn't help but wonder.

Finally I'd thought about what took me so long to see her as anything other than my best friend. My rock. The constant driving force in my life, and see her as possibly the love of my life. I questioned how I'd never imagined myself holding her, kissing her, loving her with everything I had.

I could have stood there all day thinking. I'd been numb to the cold. Numb to the rest of the world. The only thing that existed was me, my thoughts, and the white capped waves of the freezing Mother Superior. That and the icy hand of Allison that suddenly brought me out of my head when she stuck her hand under my shirt because saying my name wasn't getting my attention, so when I felt the cold of her skin and the desire for warmth in her eyes, I'd turned us back around and headed for the truck.

**

We drove in silence back towards my house where she could get her car, and then I'd head off to Katie's to go see her. It was nearing eleven, so I figured I'd be right on the border of being home too long without seeing her, and I definitely didn't want her mad at me.

I knew she'd understand why I didn't say anything about getting home early this morning, but I wasn't so sure what she'd say about me not going right over there to see her and instead going for a drive with her sister. I knew I couldn't tell her, and I also knew that if she did find out I couldn't tell her WHY I went on the drive, not yet at least. As far as I knew, she didn't know I was even home yet, so I should be safe, but I made a mental note to tell Mom and Kyle to keep their mouth's shut about it.

I knew they would, and I knew Kyle wouldn't question it, but I wasn't so sure about Mom not asking questions. I couldn't tell her why yet either. Knowing her, and the way her mind worked, she'd think there was something going on between me and Allison, since that would explain her showing up mad upon finding out I was home. How did she know I was home anyways?

"Hey wait a sec," I started, breaking the silence in the truck. "How did you even know I was home?"

"I didn't actually," she replied.

"Then why did you show up all pissed off?" I asked.

"Once again, I was not mad at you in any way," she clarified. "I was just mad at Katie."

"Ok but that explains nothing," I chuckled. "If you didn't know I was home, why'd you come by?"

"I was bringing over some brownie pans my mom borrowed from your mom," she explained. "I was mad then, but not outwardly. Once I saw your boots by the door and knew you were home, the situation became real and I started to get upset."

"Ok that makes sense," I allowed. "I'll still have to tell mom to not say anything to Katie about our little drive. You know how she is. I don't want her to give anything away."

"Shit yea I didn't even think about that. Hopefully she didn't find it strange enough to start the rumor mill right away."

"God I hope not," I laughed.

We weren't too far away now. I reached up on the dash and grabbed my pack of smokes, pushing the cigarette lighter in until it clicked while I grabbed one and hung it from my lips. Tossing the pack back up on the dash I reached down, grabbed the red hot lighter, and lit the smoke, taking a long drag.

"Allison I don't know if I can wait until tomorrow," I said as I exhaled.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"It's already eating me up inside. I don't know if I can go through all of tonight pretending everything is ok and there's nothing going on." I sighed.

"Then tell her now," she said with a smile.

"Like now as in as soon as I go over there?" I asked nervously.

"I think it might work out better that way actually," she grinned. "If she feels the same way, there will be nothing more romantic than her man going off to war, coming home, and professing his love for her the second he sees her."

"Fuck," I sighed again.

"Look, it's either now, stew in it all night and wait until tomorrow, assume you don't burst first, or never. Your call Romeo." She she laughed.

"Fuck it," I exhaled another drag, flicking the cigarette butt out the window as I rolled up my driveway. "Let's do this thing."

**

I was a bundle of nerves as I made the short drive up the road to Katie's house. I rehearsed the lines over and over. I knew what I was going to say. I was going to lay it all out there. Fuck I was nervous.

When I'd gotten home I told Kyle to "keep your whore mouth shut" and he just laughed and went about his day. When I'd told Mom, she was surprisingly understanding, yet still questioning.

"Why am I not supposed to say anything? Is there something going on with you and Allison?" She asked.

"I told her you'd say exactly that," I laughed. "But no, nothings going on. We just had to work something out."

"Work what out?" She asked again.

"You'll know soon enough," I chuckled.

"Something with Katie?"

"Ma I said I'll tell you soon enough I just need to work everything out."

"So you're planning something?"

"Ma!" I exclaimed.

"What? I just wanna know," she smiled. "Is it something big?"

"Ma quit with the damn twenty question!" I retorted a little louder than I wanted. I NEVER cursed in front of my mother, so she knew well enough that if I did, I meant what I said.

"Fine fine I'll drop it. I want to know soon though."

"You will," I assured her.

No matter what I did, or what I tried to think of, I couldn't shake the nerves. Oh well. It didn't matter. I'd gotten this far, and I was going to finish it out. It would kill me if I didn't.

I rolled the truck up her driveway, shut it off, and put it in gear so it wouldn't roll and went to hop out. Before my boots even touched the snow I heard the front door swing open.

"MATT!"

I turned to the sound of rapidly crunching snow and saw my best friend running towards me. My beautiful, love of my life best friend. She looked like perfection personified.

My mind was racing with everything I wanted to say as she approached, not slowing down. She got nearer to me and opened her arms for a hug, launching herself into me.

My lips found hers with every ounce of passion I could pour into them. I decided fuck words. I was never eloquently spoken anyways. Why tell her when I could show her.

She didn't kiss me back at first. I wasn't sure if it was because she didn't feel the same way, or was just surprised, and I started to panic, but I'd be damned if I was going to be the one to break the kiss.

After a split second she kissed me back. HARD. It felt like she poured her entire soul into the lip lock. Katie's mouth parted slightly and I let mine do the same. Our passion only deepened the kiss as our tongues began to battle gently, her hands holding onto my head for dear life, and mine clasped firmly to her hips and lower back.

We kissed for what felt like hours, but I'm sure it was only a minute or two. Neither of us wanted to part, yet both of us feeling the urge to breathe. I gave her one last push of passion and pulled my head back to look at her. In that moment I saw nothing but love in that beautiful woman's eyes.

"I love you Katie."

**

She didn't say anything right away. I didn't think she could even if she wanted to. She looked at me with unbridled love as a tear made its way down her cheek.

"I love you Katie," I said again. "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out, but I know now."

"You've been my best friend my entire life," I began once again once I saw she still was speechless. "I can't think of a time you weren't by my side in the past and I don't want to think about one in the future."

"I'm sorry if this is too much, too soon," I continued. "I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way. I just couldn't live anymore without letting you know what you truly meant to me."

She still didn't say anything, and I still wasn't sure she could find words. Instead, she kissed me once more with even more passion than the last one. I figured it was her way of telling me how she felt without having to use the words she couldn't find, just as I had when I first kissed her.

"It's 'bout time," she said simply as she broke the kiss.

"'Bout time for what?" I asked, knowing where she was going with it.

"Did you finally realize I've been head over heels in love with you since we were twelve?" She asked with a smile on her face, clearly not caring what the answer was.

"I started to notice my feelings right around when I left," I explained. "Wait. You've been in love with me since we were twelve?" I added, dumbfounded by the news.

"Why do you think it was so hard for me when you disappeared?" She asked, a brief look of sorrow and hurt flashing on her beautiful face.

"You'll never have to go through that again Katie," I promised as I kissed her again. "I'm never leaving again."

"You say that, but then Uncle Sam calls and you're right back on a plane across the world," she sighed, taking a step back. "I'm not going to complain though. I'll enjoy it while it lasts. You're like my rainbow. You only come around every now and again, so I have to love you while you're here."

"I'm not going to leave again Katie," I promised once more, trying to look as sincere as possible.

"I've heard it before Matt." She sighed. Suddenly making me worried. "You'll get whisked away and forget I'm even here."

"No, Katie, you're not hearing my words. I'm not leaving again," I promised once more.

"Matt-" she began, but I cut her off.

"Katie listen to me. I'm not re-upping. I've already told them that. I'm here for a month. Flying back, signing the discharge papers, then I'm done. I'm back here. I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. I me-" she cut me off with another scorching kiss.

"You're serious?" She asked in disbelief.

"As a heart attack," I assured her. "I loved the Army, and thought I'd be in for a long time, but the thought of being away from you for even a day is enough to break my heart, so I'm done. I'm getting out."

"I love you Matt," she finally said in turn, kissing me once more.

We kissed like it was our lifeline. We kissed like it was going out of style. We didn't care that we were still standing in her driveway. We didn't care that her front door was still open. We didn't care that unbeknownst to us, her dad had stepped out and was watching the whole thing.

Sure it wasn't the fairy tale get together everyone dreams of. It wasn't something out of a story book. It was frantic kissing and hurried conversation and explanations. For some, we may have ruined the moment, for us, it was absolutely perfect.

**

While the whole world seemed a little bit warmer, it didn't take us long to realize we didn't want to be standing out in the freezing cold any longer, so with another quick kiss, Katie grabbed my hand and quite literally drug me towards her house.

We stepped inside and I turned to close the door behind me, blocking the cold from further creeping into the warm house. I had barely turned around in time to see Katie's mother rushing towards me, clearly intending to wrap me up in a hug.

"Matt!" She exclaimed, "I'm so happy you're home. It worries us all sick when you're gone!"

"I'm happy I'm home to Mamma," I began. I'd been calling her 'Mamma' since we were little since she'd essentially been a surrogate mother to me considering how often I was over at their house as a kid. It definitely let to some laughs when she and my actual mother were in the same room and I called out to one of them and they'd both turn. "Luckily I won't be leaving anymore. This contract is pretty much up and I'm not re-signing."

"I'm so happy to hear that!" She said as she hugged me again. "Welcome home, for good this time."

"There's something else you'll be happy about," Katie's Dad said from behind us.

I hadn't even seen him there when I first walked in the house so I moved towards him to shake his hand in greeting.