All Comments on 'On Another World Ch. 01'

I just read your story. I found it very interesting and intriguing. I look forward to much more of the story. It reminds me a book by Robert Heinlein that I think is called "Glory Road". Keep up the good work!

Wow love this story can't wait for more

i find this story interesting for several different reasons..lol

First the BDSM undertone, Second is its a quite interesting concept for a sci-fi story. It will be interesting how You combined both seamlessly as You have in the first chapter. Looking forward to future chapters, pls keep up the excellent work. And thank You for posting the story.

donna

I'm very interested to see what you do with this. It's an intresting concept, and if done well it could be very interesting. (Yes, it seems interesting is the theme of this feedback) As far as construction and editing - nice job. Thanks for posting this, it'll be a pleasure to look for the next chapter.

This has superp potential. There is not much more to say since this only the first chapter. As you continue to write and the plot and information of this story start to come together or become fuller. Then we will give you a better criticism. Till then good luck and do not keep us waiting for to long. :D

I have to say this is the type of story i really like. Science fiction, sex, med-evil theme, and magic. Look forward to more!

Have read this three times now and am anxious to see where this goes. Awesome initial setup and great imagery. Thanks

i enjoyed it very much

Reminiscent of Edgar Rice Burroughs, John Norman and Alan Burt Akers (Dray Prescot). I'm looking forward to further development of the world.

Overall, your writing is good, but one nitpick I have though is your use of the more archaic elements of Early Modern English - what some people call Shakesperean English. Done properly, this could add something to the story, and develop a unique voice for a character or characters. But to be done right, it needs to be grammatically correct. Don't get me wrong, I liked the story, but you made several basic errors.

First off, the use of thou/thee. Like the use of 'tu' in French, or 'du' in German, one only uses this form with people you are intimate with family and close friends. One would never use it with someone of superior social standing, such as slave to Master.

Secondly, thou is the nominative form, used as the subject of a sentence or clause (thou art beautiful, thou must not go, etc.) Thee is the objective form, used as direct or indirect object (I love thee, I give it to thee etc.). Thy is the genitive, indicating possession, (thy sword) but thine is used before vowels (thine eyes). Thine is also the possessive noun (it is thine).

You have a similar problem with the use of my/mine. My is used before consonants and mine before vowels or h. (my dog, mine arm).

There are a few problems with conjugation too. Most verbs in the second person singular take the ending st or est. Thou goest, thou strikest, thou runest. There are irregular conjugations of course, thou art, thou dost, thou hast.

The 'th' ending for verbs is strictly for the third person, i.e. he doth, she goeth etc.

One sentence that pops out as a particularly good example is this:

She smiled and said. "I know, Master. As part of the binding, I can feel what thou feelst, but not anywhere as near as strongly as thee can feel what I doth."

This should be (leaving aside the fact that a slave shouldn't use thou to her master):

She smiled and said. "I know, Master. As part of the binding, I can feel what thou feelst, but not anywhere as near as strongly as thou canst feel what I do."

Anyway, that's enough nitpicking for now. If you want to talk about this any further, feel free to send me a private message.

Aidan

As a fan of ERB since childhood , and of the Gor books for many years, I hope that you continue this series. What a great start. Please do not get us hooked and then abandon the story , as far too many authors do on this site. Thanks for a great read.

Please continue this story I do not know how many stories I have read that are never finished and it is up setting that happens

What a great story, please find time to continue

I just can’t take the old world language haphazardly interjected into the text. It’s slows reading and trips you up as you go causing you to reread sections.

Oh and the story is boring. For an apparent force of one, and being THE ONE, the great saviour of the world he just sucks his winey ass.

Fuck. Kill Kahn and save the world.... so Kahn is right in front of him on a horse. Our guy has 2 cont 1911 automatics. Shoot the horse to immobilise Kahn then shoot Kahn. But nope.

Our guy had a small force and knew Kahn was coming. AMBUSH AMBUSH AMBUSH. Our guy said he wanted gorilla warfare.

The WHOLE job is to kill Kahn.

What a joke.

STORY WAS NEVER FINISH