On the Therapist's Couch

NOTE: Gender terms boy/girl are used to infer gender of adults eighteen or older. All scenes and characters are inferred to be eighteen years or older.

On The Therapist's Couch

If you sit on a therapist's couch, it's evident something is bothering you, even if you are not sure what it is. Sometimes you do know what it is, and you need help straightening things out in your mind. Actually, the therapist is simply a facilitator letting you speak and say things that you might find uncomfortable telling people you know. And as you speak, you hear yourself and things can become clearer in your own mind, hopefully leading to some resolution within yourself. I went to see Daniel and the first session was rather flat, clinical and antiseptic so I was not sure I really wanted to go back.

Regardless of these sentiments, I trudged back in for a second session and opened up to him what was going on in my life, in my head. Daniel's office was nicely appointed as I sat on a big, expensive dark brown leather couch. There was a matching leather armchair to the right with a fine burled wood end table in between, on which a nice lamp sat. On the walls were actually real paintings, not cheap cheesy wall pictures seen in most professional and medical offices. Daniel was sitting in a smaller, different style chair, a chair like one from the end of a dining room set, with greenish leather on the carved wooden arms, fastened with old style iron grommets.

"Does your wife know you have these thoughts?" Daniel asked when I told him of my desire to have sex with other men.

"No, she has no idea," of which I was certain that she did not know.

"How often do you masturbate?" Daniel asked.

"Quite often," I replied. Why does he want to know this, I thought, somewhat embarrassed telling someone about my masturbation habits.

"Daily?" he asked. "More than once a day?"

"All of the above," I sheepishly replied, not looking at him.

"Do you consider your masturbation habits obsessive, compulsive or excessive?" he asked.

"Everyone has their own 'normal'," I replied.

"Does the pornography you view revolve around gay porn?" he asked, not asking IF I viewed pornography, but WAS the pornography I viewed, GAY porn.

"Yes," was my curt answer. It was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable discussing this with him. It was uncomfortable because masturbation behind your wife's back is such a hidden, private endeavor.

"When was the last time you had sex with another man?" Daniel inquired, not asking IF I had ever had sex with another man but WHEN on the assumption that I had, rather than giving me the benefit of doubt. Now my comfort level was bordering on freaking out.

"I'm not ready to tell you that," was my reply, wanting to move on.

"OK. Did you enjoy having sex with another man?" he asked.

"Daniel, I'm not comfortable answering that right now."

"Understood. Did you feel guilt or shame seeing your wife after having sex with another man?" he asked, again insinuating that I had been having gay sex with men outside of my marriage to Katie. Isn't a therapist supposed to ask questions that are not leading to assumptions of my guilt? I felt like I was on the witness stand at a trial.

"Katie has no idea what I've done. She thinks the world of me," not answering his question about if I felt guilt around Katie, but yet admitting to some degree what he was assuming by saying "she has no idea what I've done."

"How old were you when you first had a physical sexual encounter with another person?" Daniel asked. I simply and quietly flashed him the number using my hands.

"I see. Was this other person a female or a male?"

"Another male," I replied.

"Older or younger than you?"

"He was older, lived the next block over," I admitted. The demons of my past were rearing their scary heads. That's why I was here in the therapist's office, right?

"Was it mutual masturbation or more?" Daniel asked.

"He was very assertive towards me. Almost a bully. He let me look at his Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Then he was abusive. He told me to suck his cock. I was scared. He told me he would tell everyone I was a queer if I didn't. At the same time, I was very hard looking at all the naked women in the magazines," remembering all this and telling it to Daniel was making me hard.

"How many times did you have sexual encounters with this person?"

"This went on for almost two years. He'd tell me to come over when no one was home at his place. Sometimes it would be months between episodes, other times it would be more than once in a week. If it was a long time between episodes, I would get hard just walking over to his house, knowing what we were going to be doing with each other. It was scary yet very exciting. We'd always look at the girlie magazines and masturbate. When he brought out a new magazine I'd not seen before, it was very, very exciting."

"Would you both ejaculate? Did he ever ejaculate in your mouth?" Daniel asked. These questions were making me squirm yet also making me hard.

"At first, even though he made me suck his cock from the very first time, we'd jack off to ejaculation all over ourselves. It was about the third time together he held my head over his cock, and he ejaculated in my mouth. He told me I really was a queer for allowing me to take his semen in my mouth. I gagged on it and spit it out. Then he touched my penis and masturbated me over him, cumming on him, almost like a reward. This was in the summer so we had a lot of free time. I'm thinking that summer we got together at least a dozen times. While it was me doing all the sucking, he'd have us take our clothes off and be naked with each other. I liked being naked with him. We were so hard seeing each other naked and touching each other's cocks."

"One day early on in our encounters he pulled out a bra and panties and told me to be a good girl and put these on. He told me good girls swallow when he came in my mouth. It got to the point that it was a given that every time he made me suck his cock he would ejaculate in my mouth. Putting on panties and a bra was intoxicating being naked there touching his cock, sucking his cock. It got to the point I looked forward to wearing the bra and panties while sucking his cock. It got to the point where I looked forward to sucking his cock and would swallow his semen without being forced to or being told to anymore. I'm not sure where he got the bra and panties, he was an only child, and I don't think they were his mother's. Sometimes he would put lipstick on me, he said I was pretty." As I told Daniel all this, I was hard as stone, I wanted to 'whip it out' and jack off in front of him.

"When did things stop with this other guy?" Daniel asked, shifting in his chair. I could not be sure, but I was fairly certain he had an erection after hearing all this from me.

"He moved away," was all I said.

"How did it make you feel when he moved away? Did you feel sad that these encounters ended?"

"I'm not sure exactly what I felt. It was a naughty little secret that I carried with me, so while there was a void with the physical sexual encounters ending, there might have been a little relief that I could move on. When you are that age, I don't think you dwell on this type of secret," my own cock was still hard telling him all this.

"What about with girls? How was your interaction with girls?" Daniel went on.

"I loved girls. They were all so pretty and it made me feel crazy being around them. I knew what a pretty girl looked like from the Playboy magazines, even though I had never seen one naked in the flesh. I was clueless on how to get a girl; most girls ignored me. I was very skinny and teased by both boys and girls that I was too pretty to be a boy. All the prettiest girls ignored me; they all went for the assertive types."

"The assertive types like the guy who made you suck his cock?"

"Yes, like Johnny," I said the name of my sexual tormentor. "Girls loved the macho asshole types. I did not know how to act around girls, I had no idea what I should be doing. Luckily, I had a group of friends, and I could blend in with them and some girls started being nice to me."

"When did you first have sexual intercourse with a girl? How long after Johnny moved away?"

"There was this girl, " I told Daniel. "She had a boyfriend, but he was always a jerk to her. I was always nice to her, and we started dating. Her old boyfriend said something to me about it but did not make a scene over it. Eventually I had sex with this girl. It was awkward but it felt great. I loved her naked body and her beautiful breasts. It was well over two years after Johnny moved away. Everything I did with him I tried to bury in my mind. Before Johnny moved away, he gave the oldest of his girlie magazines. I masturbated a lot to girlie magazines before I dated that girl."

And with that, our session that day ended. Katie was nice to me when I got home, I had not told her why I was seeing a therapist. Her family was big into therapy, so it was simply something people did to "keep their lives on track". Uncharacteristically, we had sex that night in bed, she initiated it. Of late, I would not often push for sex as she was rarely in the mood anymore. Of course, when we did have sex all I thought about was gay sex. Touching Katie's body and beautiful little titties was wonderful, her sweet little pussy tasted divine but when my penis was inside her, only by thinking about gay sex could I stay hard. Only with me imagining having a myriad of homosexual acts with other men could I ejaculate inside her. Some of these homosexual thoughts were fantasies, others were me remembering gay sex that I had with other men.

The therapy session the next week started off slow, I found it hard to open up, but eventually I did. Daniel had asked about Katie, how long I had been married and about my mother and father while growing up in the first session. This next session he went straight to the point.

"Would you like to tell me the history of your sexual encounters with other males after Johnny?" he asked.

Wow, to be honest with him, it was going to take a while. I told him how I had sex with other guys ever since I was eighteen. I loved girls, that I never really felt or identified as gay but if I did not have a girlfriend, I would masturbate a lot. In between girlfriends I would always find guys to have sex with. It was easy back then with the gay chat lines to find a guy, even if I had to drive way across town. Later, I lived with a straight roommate and he had stacks and stacks of Playboy and other magazines piled in his room and spilling out of his closet. It was never spoken, but it was never a problem for me to borrow and take a bunch of my favorite ones, the ones which I knew from the cover of a particular issue, which particular magazine had the girls who really turned me on the most.

There was a lot of masturbation going on with both me and my roommate though we never, ever masturbated in each other's presence. I'd masturbate a lot being single. In some of the Penthouse magazines there were letters from readers about sexual exploits, occasionally there would be a letter about guy-on-guy sex. Those letters would turn me on the most and I learned by the magazine cover, which ones had the guy-on-guy sex letters, they were always my favorite to read and masturbate to. Sometimes my roommate would spend the night at his girlfriend's place, and I'd bring a guy over or I'd go out and hook up with a guy. In the years before I met Katie, I told Daniel that there were dozens upon dozens of encounters that I had with other guys.

During this period, I told Daniel that I went out and bought panties and lingerie for myself to wear when I hooked up with another guy, it just felt natural to do this. I remember buying panties at a lingerie shop telling the female clerk the panties "were for my girlfriend", to which I'm sure she wasn't believing. I'd buy lingerie sets at big department stores. One hook up I remember vividly was when I wore a complete bustier, pantie and stocking set under my guy cloths and hooking up with a guy at his apartment. After sneaking into his place while his brother was asleep, we had a hungry gay encounter with me in that wonderful bright white bridal lingerie. Being in panties and lingerie with another guy always gave me a special sense of femininity and heightened my pangs of feeling and acting gay.

Even after moving in with Katie while we were engaged, I would hook up with guys wearing lingerie. After we were married, I went quite a few years with no gay sex and sex with Katie was actually fairly often and exciting. Then it seemed I would masturbate more often, whenever I could, even though I had a pretty, petite, lovely wife. I told Daniel about how my crossdressing blossomed when Katie would spend occasional weekends with her folks in another part of the state when I had to stay back and work. Needless to say, I told him, when dressed in high heels, a dress, wig and makeup, sex with other men was becoming more common place.

"This is an observation," Daniel said. "With all these many encounters with other men, they seem to be all different men. Were there no steady relationships with the same man?"

"Not really," I offered. "There was another married guy I saw two or three times, but it was just clinical sex, no emotion or relationship. Almost like my solo masturbation but with another guy. I think it's called a 'jerk off buddy." I was waiting for Daniel to say the cliched therapist statement "very interesting", but he didn't. He then made another comment.

"Your numerous same sex connections with other males appears to almost be like an extension of your compulsive masturbation." Daniel observed. "Whether it's solo masturbation or anonymous gay hookups, it seems one is interchangeable with the other, but it doesn't matter which is which."

"Perhaps," I replied meekly.

"I'm going to ask a few more questions, then that is probably it for our time this week," Danial went on. "First, describe what goes on in your mind when you masturbate."

"Well," I started. "I have this incredible naughty arousal thinking about being gay. The thought of being naked with another guy, the thought of sucking cock, the thought of kissing him, the visual images of cock, the sight of semen, guys kissing, images of guys sucking cock or guys getting fucked really turn me on and make me very hard when I masturbate. Smooth naked twinks with no body hair and shaved genitals is my favorite porn to watch when I masturbate. I often think about past sexual encounters I have had with other men while I'm masturbating."

"Images of women don't excite you anymore?" he asked.

"Oh no. Naked women really do excite me. They always have. Beautiful chicks with long hair and perfect little breasts are so hot. Bikinis, string bikinis, panties, lingerie, bras, women in dresses, girls topless in jeans, sexy scantily clad women, uber sexy classy women really turn me on. I don't know why but seeing all of this with sexy women and in their sexy clothing makes me feel every bit as gay as men do," I was getting hard just relating this.

"You talk about kissing men, yet you have not indicated any romantic involvement with other men, only sexual activity. Tell me about this," Daniel inquired.

"Kissing another man has always made me as worked up and horny as any other thing I have done with a man. It's a horny obsessive passionate urge that when I kiss a man, it heightens my sense of naughty homosexuality. Like you are not supposed to kiss another man yet it feels so good, so right, so wonderfully exciting," my erection ached hard in my pants as I said all this.

"Have you ever thought about what it would be like having a romantic relationship with another man," Daniel went on.

"It's one on my biggest fantasies," I admitted. "You have no idea how big."

"Oh really?" Daniel remarked, acting very surprised.

"I had an encounter with a guy that was hotter than all the rest. I still am kicking myself for not getting his number."

"That is quite a bit of information. We'll have to pick this up next week," Daniel commented.

With that I adjusted my quite noticeable stiff erection in my pants with Daniel surely seeing it and I went home. I masturbated that night at home after Katie went to bed. Unlike the week before, this evening she was a bit disinterested in my state of mind. Well, actually, no, she just had no idea what was going on in my mind, all the turmoil I felt telling Daniel about my quite expansive sexual double life. When I feel out of sorts or something bothers me, I tend to masturbate excessively, more excessively than my usual excessive masturbation. In the morning after Katie went to work, I called into work taking the morning off. I took a hot bath and shaved my legs and under my arms. I dug out my 'drag bag' from hiding and put on high heels, silky pink panties and a silver spaghetti strap cocktail dress. With a long brunette wig and lipstick, I felt sexy, hot, horny.

If it would have been a weekend night with Katie at her folks like she does once or twice times a month I would have gone to a gay bar where I'd get hit on for sure. But it was a weekday morning and I had to settle for jacking off to gay porn on the laptop. Between that morning and my next session with Daniel I masturbated at least once a day, most days more. Even with a pleasant sex romp with Katie on Saturday morning (where my homosexual thoughts were over the top horny and Katie remarked "how very frisky" as I was after fucking the daylights out of her), I masturbated Saturday night after she went to bed and again Sunday morning while she was at the gym. Yeah, going to therapy was really rocking my boat as I confronted all my demons and misdeeds in Daniels's office.

"Let's see where we left off last time," Daniel said as we began the next forty-five-minute session. "You talked about kissing another man and have fantasies of a romantic relationship with another man. You told me about a man that you wished was more than a one-time encounter," Wow, he had a great memory of exactly where we left off or took good notes or was fascinated with the closet homosexual who was spilling the beans in his office.

"Before we get started on that, you told me what went on in your mind when you masturbated, I also meant to ask you what your feelings were when you had sex in the flesh with another man."

"It's exciting having sex with another man. Being naked with a guy, seeing and touching his hard cock, kissing him makes me go crazy. The obsessive horny sensation of sucking cock is a feeling I can't get enough of. I love the taste of cock, the scent of cock, the feeling of sucking a guy's cock. I love the naughty nastiness of being that guy who sucks another guy's cock. It's obsessive sucking another guy's cock, having my face in another guy's genitals, licking his balls, licking his cock, sucking his cock, pleasuring him like a girl is supposed to do. Kissing another guy makes me feel just as gay as sucking his cock. Some guys don't like to kiss, and only like to play with each other's cocks. I've learned to be more selective," I told him, again with quite an erection in my pants while telling him this.

"Selective?" Daniel asked.

"I've found that the more feminine I am with a guy the more likely he will be passionate with me and respond to my affectionate femininity as we kiss. Many married men would never think of having sex with another man but sex with a crossdresser excites them no end. For a married man having a femme crossdressing male suck their cock, it is very exciting, especially if their wives have lost interest in sex."

"That's something I wanted to ask, is about your crossdressing during homosexual encounters. What does that make you feel like?"