On the Therapist's Couch

Katie hung out with Leslie as a close friend, but we rarely socialized together as two couples. Leslie's influence was that of a very close friend with very strong opinions of most everything in the world, including sex and marriage. Her take was that the longer you are married the more you need to "step outside the box" in the bedroom with your husband to keep him happy and keep the marriage lively. Her opinion was if you keep hubby happy in the bedroom, he'll more likely be a better husband in all parts of marriage. She was a much more a "new age" thinker than Katie's still rather conservative mindset. Katie thought the world of Leslie, it was as tight of a girlfriend bond as there ever was. Eventually Katie bought into Leslie's suggestion of asking me what would be more exciting to do in bed and for me to pick out a sex toy that might spice things up.

This whole new bent in our relationship very much took me by surprise. I seemed to masturbate more lately and now was getting top shelf gay sex on the side with Rick. I did not push for sex all the time with Katie like I did earlier in our marriage. I'm sure in 'girlfriend talks' Katie relayed to Leslie my interest in marital sex was rather flat. Honestly, it shocked and scared me that this was happening as I had been floating along with the status quo of masturbation, gay sex with Rick and occasional sex with Katie.

Naturally, after Katie sparked this new interest in sex, I bought her more lingerie (like she needed any more with all I had bought her through the years, much of which I was often wore myself behind her back in years past). It was a different type of guilt I felt now; guilt that I did not deserve this special attention she was plying me with, while I was masturbating and having clandestine gay sex. Knowing it was in the best interest of our marriage and would certainly be an exciting augmentation to my seemingly insatiable libido, I played along.

Deep down, I wanted Katie to peg me with a strap-on or at least a dildo but was afraid it would reveal the true nature of my homosexual desires. Deep down, I wanted her to put me in panties and lingerie and play with me but knew that would not be the best idea for now. What I did bring into the bedroom was a stiff, graduated anal bead string. Small, hard clear pink silicone beads at the end getting bigger up the string.

That day in bed, Katie was amused poking the lubed anal toy up my butt and how it sent me off in a spastic world of desire, pre cum gushing out the tip of my penis as she probed the toy in me and played with my penis. If she had gone on much longer, I would have ejaculated a geyser of semen all over myself. Sensing this, she climbed on top of me as my stiffness filled her still tight pussy. Katie rode me like a cowgirl but with all the prior stimulation I did not last long and ejaculated wildly up into her. Katie's own arousal and agitation was unsatisfied as she continued to grind her pussy onto my spent penis as I reached up and played with her lovely little titties.

Wanting to repay her for her kindness, I pulled her up onto my face as she then ground her cum laden pussy onto my eager mouth and tongue. I'm not sure it registered with her that I was licking my own semen out of her pussy, surely it was, as I can't ever remember her in a more agitated state grinding her pussy into my face. The taste of her pussy was divine, even more so as I lapped the tanginess of my own semen, it made the eagerness of licking her sweetness so lovingly erotic. Finally, she stiffened and moaned in shuddering climax, the likes of a climax I would be hard pressed to recall her ever cumming so hard and heated.

As she climbed off and snuggled next to me, we reveled in the amazement of the event with her purring and being lovey dovey. We dozed off in our loving daze for a short while in unhurried post coital bliss, with no urgency to do anything else but enjoy the moment. Unlike most sex romps with Katie in the past few years where it was 'fuck, cum, then hurry out of bed' to mundane activities, we stayed snuggled in our rekindled intimate connection. She was lovely in her nakedness with the light pink string bikini panties she had been wearing lying next to me on the bed.

The taste and scent of her pussy on my lips and face with the remembrance of how hot it was licking my cum from her pussy stirred my ever-active libido. I lifted the panties in my hand, admiring them. I then began fondling her lovely naked breasts with the soft silky light pink panties, stirring a renewed arousal in both of us. We kissed madly like we had not done in years as I continued to caress her sweet little titties with the panties. In a fit of desire, I rose over Katie and pressed my penis into her breasts and the panties draped over them, titty fucking my lovely wife through the panties.

What I really wanted to do was put the panties on and then titty fuck her soft sweet little titties. Choosing not to, I did the next best thing that would not necessarily give away my true kinky desires. I hooked my erect penis through one of the openings of the panties. The panties hung from my cock as they draped over her titiies. As she reached up to rub the panties into my penis, we marveled at the sight and the sensation it was producing. Katie rubbing her panties into my penis was generating untold pleasure and delight. Having her panties on my penis with her participating rather than me masturbating with her panties behind her back was rather new to me. The incredible ache and hardness only increased as I pressed my pantie adorned penis back onto her lovely breasts, I humped madly fearing I might be losing my mind in stimulation. The thought of cumming all over her breasts and then licking it off was certainly part of my ever-aroused imagination.

Katie did not seem to mind my erotic tittie humping, as the scent of her pussy still on my face urged me to fall toward her pussy for another taste. I madly licked at her femininity from above as she resumed rubbing my penis with her panties, amused at what a sexual stir rubbing her panties on my penis had caused in me. Licking at her pussy while she rubbed my erect penis with her panties? OMG, my arousal was blasting off into sub orbital flight.

Laying back I pulled her over me, licking hungrily at her sex as she was then on top of me in a sixty-nine. While I could not fault her for not obscenely sucking my cock like a man would do, she did take me in her mouth and licked at my balls tickling them with a sweet feminine wetness. Actually, taking on the role of a husband, I pulled up and around and mounted my wife, my hands on her soft titties before kissing her hungrily, I was possessed with lust and desire. She clutched at me with her fingernails digging into my flesh as I humped madly into her.

After many horny long minutes of thrusting into Katie I spied the anal bead string laying on the bed and was beyond any level of false embarrassed modesty. I handed her the anal toy and pulled her hand towards my butt giving Katie a pretty good indication of what I wanted her to do. I slowed down to allow her to fidget the anal beads up my tender, still greased hole. Once the stiff toy started poking and tickling my anus, my eager fucking of my skinny little wife continued. The helter skelter poking of the anal beads up my butt coupled with the eroticism of how much I truly loved fucking my pretty wife, I bucked and humped into Katie with the ever-present fantasies of gay sex in my mind. With a loud moaning "uhhhhhnnnnn", I "cummed" powerfully into my wife as she urged me on poking the naughty toy up her hubby's butt.

As we collapsed into each other, the renewal of our sexual bond left us both quite sated. It had been many years since we had sex twice in one day let alone twice in little over an hour. We had fucked three times on the last day of our honeymoon, but that was years ago. A change came over our relationship as this reconnecting in the sack led to a warmer and loving, attentive, more joyful pleasant air in our lives.

I'm sure Katie reported back to Leslie the results of the bedroom fireworks and the change in our relationship. Leslie seemed friendly and pleased that her intent-ing had worked its magic, with a sly smirk when I saw her the first time after Katie and I began fucking again like teenagers. My masturbation habits dropped off the radar for the most part as I did not want to diminish my libido with Katie in bed by wasting my arousal jacking off behind her back. I put Rick on hold, to his dismay but not his surprise, I'm thinking he lost interest and found another boyfriend who was more available.

With all this positive change I was still somewhat troubled inside, afraid that some unknown spark would destroy the equilibrium that had settled into my life. Did my lifelong bouts of compulsive masturbation and closet homosexuality cause the of lack of flame in our sex life or did the lack of flame in our sex life pour gasoline onto the fire of my chronic masturbation and compulsive gay sex? Even though I could easily act like a flaming faggot in bed with another man, was I bisexual rather than gay because of my love for Katie?

Was all of this because I was molested as a younger male, made to suck cock in a bra and panties, masturbating and looking at girlie magazines? Was I simply a selfish creep that was ruled by my penis rather than my brain? Was it true that if you ever sucked cock and enjoyed it that it would stay with you all your life and the desire to suck cock would never leave you? It has been said cross dressing and homosexuality are closely related, was that true with me?

With all this still rumbling around in my head I decided to go back to therapy to clear my mind. It was a little over a year when I contacted Daniel about resuming therapy. Nothing urgent was bothering me, but I still felt something was unresolved inside. He was surprised and happy to hear from me as this first session back was a bit awkward with the usual "how ya doing, how have you been" talk. A year is a long time and people can easily change in that time; I know I must have. Daniel seemed changed as well. His hair was still short, he still wore the same glasses and was still handsome with the same casual, professional appearance. Something had changed, though it took a little while to register.

Rather than a white or light blue Oxford shirt, he was wearing a deep pink hued Oxford shirt. It was a man's shirt, looked expensive and had his initials, DKJ, embroidered in black on the pocket. I wondered if he wore it because he knew I was coming in. He had worn the bright lavender shirt the day I melted down at the last session. His sleeves were rolled up to the middle of his forearm and he had small silver bracelets on both wrists with a matching silver chain necklace on. When I saw him in therapy before, he never wore any jewelry, only a simple gold wedding band. Today, there was no wedding band. In some ways today felt like a role reversal; he seemed nervous and fidgety while I was calm and at ease. Once the talking started it was apparent why he seemed nervous.

"I want to apologize for snapping at you during our last session," Daniel told me.

"It was I that made a rude comment about you and your wife," I replied. "Then you put me in my place, as you should have, and it made the charade of my double life come crashing down on me. Isn't a good meltdown one of the benefits of therapy, to lay bare your emotions, so you can connect with what bothers you and move on?"

"You are being too kind," Daniel said. "After you left in tears that last session, it bothered me, but not for the reasons you might think. When you ended the therapy sessions, I was crushed. I wanted to contact you and apologize, but that would have been inappropriate. Again, it was not what you might think. I have client's breakdown and stop therapy, that is part of this profession. With you it was different. There are some underlying reasons why it affected me so strongly. I want to explain. Let's not consider this a session. I won't bill you. Let's consider this just a talk among friends. I have no more appointments for the remainder of the day. I might be doing more talking than you. I might be pouring out to you as you have done with me."

"O.....kay....?," I answered not expecting this or knowing where this might lead.

"I have a lot to say, so bear with me," Daniel said, sitting back, in the posture of a client not of a therapist. He fidgeted with a pencil as he spoke. "Dealing with patients with relationship issues, with sexual issues, with self-destructive behavior is my specialty in this profession. Therapists are human as well and these same areas that I treat can also affect us. When you first came in it took a while to get to know you and I thought I was observing a classic case of childhood molestation, based on what you told me about your experience with the male who molested you. Incidents like that can affect a person the entirety of their life and that may be the case with you," Daniel said.

"From what I know in my own research, and I am not a therapist, I feel what I did with Johnny influenced my cross dressing as well as my closeted homosexual behavior. By engaging at that age in clandestine homosexual acts with the additional element of women's lingerie, it may be fairly easy to pinpoint the cause of the behavior I did in adult life. Ridding myself of my demons and moving on in a positive manner is why I came to see you. Sorry to interrupt, go on," I said, pleased to demonstrate my grasp of my situation, yet still baffled by Daniel's apparent role reversal in our conversation.

"You are correct," he went on. "Bear with me. I have several confessions to make in our interaction with each other. In this profession there are a few cardinal sins. One is covered by the client/therapist agreement that we both signed that protects us with the explicit stipulation that therapist and client do not engage in any intimate or sexual activity with each other. That is the big one, a therapist can lose everything - loss of license, lawsuits, loss of revenue. That's why we are not in session today, not because I want to engage in intimate activity with you, I just want to talk to you person to person."

"The second cardinal sin is becoming emotionally attached to a client. Of that I am more than guilty. I fought it. I knew it was building inside me. Hearing your episodes, the nature of your sexuality, the way you described your feelings when you engaged in anonymous one-time sexual encounters and how you wished for a steady, intimate homosexual relationship with someone, that touched me. I felt that for you, not that I wanted to be your steady homosexual lover, but that I felt it for you that you so deserved a steady gay lover, rather than grasping with so many anonymous hook ups."

"Are YOU gay?" I asked trying not to be rude or defensive that he was so sensitive about my gay longings.

"I am not. That does not mean my feelings and sexuality are not conflicted as well. It might take me a while to explain everything to you." Daniel went on.

"Again, not to interrupt, but I have a confession that relates to what you just said. We have not spoken in over a year. In that time, I had a gay romance, a steady boyfriend for the first time in my life. It's over now, I think," I couldn't exactly tell what look he had on his face as I told him this.

"I am pleased for you, wherever it leads," he said after I told him about Rick. Daniel went on.

"I am emotionally attached to you, not necessarily because I am attracted to you, and I am, but because many of your experiences I share from the other perspective. I was sexually involved with a guy who was in lingerie. I was 25 and he was 18. I did not molest him, nor was I the aggressor. He was my roommate's little brother, and we all knew each other quite well. We teased him about being girly. He was visiting and he crawled into bed with me one morning after his brother went to work. Kenny, my roommate's brother, was wearing panties and a camisole and wearing lipstick and makeup. You are the first person I have ever told this to. This experience has been with me for many years. I don't consider myself gay or even bisexual, but I do admit I very much enjoyed this homosexual affair with this male. It was not a one-time romp in bed."

"Our liaison stretched over the span of about seven years. I was even dating my wife Candice during the last two years I was involved with Kenny. Everything you love about being feminine to another male, faggy, as you call it, that was Kenny. He was a mincing, femme, show off who loved being girly and gay for me. When we were in bed together, he said he knew why all the girls were after me. Like you, he was in the closet through all of this. In the convoluted world of sexuality, closet homosexual affairs are the most intriguing, the most magnetic, the strongest pull in the psyche of sexuality."

"I know this because I studied them in school, what little they really had studies on, and I experienced this in the flesh. You must know this very well. Kenny experienced with me what you wanted but never had, a steady relationship with another male to act out his feminine homosexuality. All guys masturbate, some more than others, I rarely did during this time as I had Kenny to service me and it felt great. I was getting lucky all the time with him, but I could tell no one. So, with girls, I was not so pushy with sex, and they threw themselves at me, Candice certainly did."

I was in some ways very surprised about Daniel's revelation, on another level I had always felt Daniel was very in tune with what I was telling him in therapy. There was a bit of awkward silence as we looked at each other. With Daniel revealing he knew what it was like to have sex with a feminine homosexual, that complicated things. As a therapist he would no longer be an impartial, unbiased, neutral observer, he would see things from my side of the fence.

With my much better relationship and improved sex life with Katie, I did not feel the urgency to masturbate or seek gay sex. I felt better about myself by being loyal and true to Katie, rather than if I strayed too far with too much masturbation or thoughts of seeking gay sex. I did not want my erratic wayward past to influence the much better today I had with Katie or to ruin all the tomorrows. In rummaging through all this in my mind, I knew this would more than likely be the last time I would come to Daniel for a session. Off hand, I made a comment based on how things struck me today.

"Did you wear that shirt because of me?" I asked.

"Yes." Daniel replied sheepishly.

"The lavender shirt on the day I melted down, also?"

"Guilty," he whispered.

"You don't have your wedding ring on. Is that something you want to talk about?" I asked, now feeling very much like I was the therapist.

"We're separated. Have been since shortly after the last time you were here. We've been seeing each other much more lately and we are getting back together," Daniel told me with a bit of bright sadness in his eyes.

"You said earlier there were several confessions you had for me. The other confession? Is that something you are able to tell me?" Again, I was the therapist asking Daniel to spill the beans.

I did not feel smug about this role reversal, but I did feel a sense of buoyancy that in my mind that I would not need therapy with Daniel anymore. I felt that I had put my life back on a positive track on my own, with not having been to therapy for over a year. Perhaps a big assist should go to Leslie for her influence on my relationship with Katie, and with me knowing how razor thin it was, the things that brought about positive change. Something like being kinder and more in tune with each other's sexual needs and emotional togetherness, based simply on improved bedroom activities, was something I knew could go south in a hurry with one misstep or one innocent misunderstanding. At least I felt no fear or negativity that I could maintain this equilibrium with Katie.