On Vacation - An X-Change Novella Ch. 02

"Touché. But I wasn't asking because of what I am or am not looking for. I was trying to get an idea of what you're like."

"What are you looking for?"

"Rick, you're avoiding the question."

"For good reason Peri. I'm a happy guy. The women in my life, yes more than one, are happy, but it takes a particular type of woman to accept my lifestyle."

"One who is only in Seattle every six months?"

"Possibly. Look, do you really want to discuss this before we have even ordered?"

I knew I was smiling, and I could see he was smiling. I indicated that he should pour me another glass of wine. "I'll have the scallops."

We began to watch the sun slip into the bay.

"Rick, do you have a harem?"

"I have what I refer to as an inner circle. Currently, I'm semi regularly seeing three women. They are all intelligent, successful, and live on their own. The youngest is 44. I have found out the hard way that this doesn't work with younger woman. Personally, I don't think a woman gets truly beautiful till she reaches her 40's."

"So, why did you ask me out?"

"Inner circle. I date outside the circle but not a great deal. The circle has been as large as five. Alas, some leave. It works for six months, but not seven. They meet someone. I miss a birthday because I went down to Sonoma for the NASCAR race. For the most part we treat each other well. I've held someone's hand when they're waking up after surgery. I introduce them to a prospective client. Vacations, weekend trips, invites to exclusive parties. So, I'm proactive in maintaining a level of participation."

"Am I auditioning for the inner circle?"

"Every first date is an audition...both ways. So, how am I doing?"

"I'll tell you after dinner."

From that point through desert we just made small talk. A few jokes, some quick stories. I was sipping a cognac when I looked at him and said "Rick, right now, right at this moment, I feel very good, very warm. I kind of wish you had booked a room here."

"You do now? I kind of wish I had thought of that." He reached into his jacket pocket and threw down an electronic key card.

"You are a man with an abundance of confidence. Aren't you?"

"I'm a man with an abundance of hope." He stood up and gave me his hand. I pulled myself up and kissed him quick but hard. "Not the greatest first kiss, but there's more where that came from."

We floated to his room with our arms around each other. As soon as the door closed we embraced. He must have showered prior to picking me up because he smelled slightly of Dial soap, but strongly of a sandalwood cologne. We sashayed towards the bed. He disentangled himself from my arms and removed his jacket and placed it on the back of a chair. I used those moments to sit on the bed and roll off my pantyhose. When I finished, he sat next to me and we continued our make out session. He was a real good kisser.

I began to unbutton his shirt and caress his chest. When I completed my task, he removed his shirt and I took mine off as well. I sat in my skirt and lace bralette. He wordlessly stared at me and warmly sighed. I took advantage of the delay to standup, unzip and drop my skirt. We were standing and once again embraced. His hands roamed all over my body, both outside and inside my underthings. He was still in his pants. Abby's most interested moment was at hand. I sat back on the bed and undid his belt. I did a quick trace of a solid penis, but I could not yet tell size. I undid his slacks unzipped them and let them fall to the floor. I stroke him through his underwear and looked up and made eye contact. He had a determined but affectionate expression on his face. I pulled his cock from his briefs.

It was large, larger than any of the men that I had been with. I couldn't tell a measurement. I was too close and didn't trust my perception. It also had a wider girth, but nothing like Abby's exaggeration. "Nine. Actually, eight and three quarters, so I've been told."

"Someone in the circle actually brought out a tape measure?"

"One of the younger ladies, a few years ago. I suspect that it hasn't changed much since."

"Well, it's really quite beautiful. You must be proud."

"Thanks, it is what it is. I guess I'm fortunate. But Peri, I can only guess at your age, but you are beyond captivating. We're both fortunate."

I began to plant small kisses on his dick. I rubbed his scrotum with my hand and opened my mouth to slide him in. I instantly knew that I could never take it all, but I fit in what I could. "That's lovely Peri darling, but why don't we both get more comfortable."

He laid down next to me as I removed my bralette and panties. He immediately began to fondle me all over. I stroked him with two hands. We were all over each other, grinding and moving till we settled into a 69 with me on top. I hadn't yet tried his amazing cock, but he knew what he was doing with his lips and tongue. Within minutes I was gushing. "Peri darling, I think we're now both ready." I turned myself around and slowly sank my soaked vagina onto his monster. Since we coupled so gradually, there was no pain, only an overwhelming sensation of fullness. I started up and down rhythm, moving roughly one to two inches. I was no expert from the female point of view, but with the other men, the erogenous sensation was concentrated in my clitoris and then inside with my G spot. With Rick's hugeness, it was like my entire pussy was an erogenous zone. It was such a different perception that when I climaxed, I arched my back and came silently with my mouth open wide. I continued the rhythm until Rick flipped me onto my back while keeping his dick deep within me. I then received a lesson in "knows how to use it." He changed rhythms and then changed them again. He adjusted the angle. He switched the length of his stroke. Each change was better than the last. I lost count on how many time I came until he buried himself as deep as he could go and I could feel him tremble.

He turned me again so I was on top, so when we separated, he became the wet spot. I waited till I thought his sensitivity had died down enough and then I crawled down his body and began to lick him clean. My god, he even tasted better than the other guys. When I was done, I moved back up his body to embrace him, but despite what I had just done, he grabbed my face and passionately kissed me.

"You should consider that the application fee for my membership to the inner circle."

"Oh. So this isn't wham bam, thank you man?"

I was quiet for a couple of minutes.

"Rick, are you in love with any of the inner circle?"

"I have very warm feelings of affection for them. I respect them. I admire them."

"Do any of them love you?"

"Love would break the inner circle. Love would require more commitment than I am willing to give or accept. We're happy. We're content. If those feelings go up or down, then the circle loses a member. It sounds harsh but it's been working. Who knows, maybe as I grow older I will start wanting something else. Then the circle is free to accept that or reject that."

"Rick, I'm leaving in another three weeks. Obviously, I don't know your plans are with the other three ladies. I won't be back for six months. Honestly, I'm really not a candidate for the inner circle, but if you have an outer circle, I would like to do this again."

"We can do it again right now."

Abby really enjoyed hearing the details of the evening twice. Once over drinks, a second time over Peri, naked. During Peri's visit, Rick and she hooked up two more times, and they continue to see each other when Peri is in town.

The psyche is an amazing self-correcting rationale. When I returned, I got a call from Rick within a week to setup a tennis game. When we got together, although I had Peri's memories, I just didn't go there. Of the things that Peter should not know about Rick, I almost exclusively had thoughts about his lifestyle, than anything remotely sexual. After tennis, while we were sitting in the clubhouse, he said "Peter, I'm guessing that Abby told you I took your cousin Peri out a few times last month."

"Yes, she told me. Since it was more than once I bet you enjoyed each other's company. She's a really terrific lady."

"I'll say. I'm looking forward to hearing from her when she gets back in town."

When Peri comes to town, she and Abby have calmed down some. Abby prefers one night stands or weekends away, both with Peri close by but only once or twice the month. Abby and I have settled into one date night a week, but we do take more trips together than we used to.

So...Jason...

Perhaps in too great of detail, but that's my story. We both have chosen to have alternate personalities. We both refer to them in the third person. Through them, we both have done things we would have never expected to do. We have their memories. It is up to us to figure out how to process those memories. I can tell you from my own experience that these memories do not have to control us, embarrass us, or hurt us.

Of course, once X-Change expands publically, I'm going to have to deal with Rick as he is a smart person and will figure it out. I think he will understand but who knows with the way of the flesh.

Jason, today is not the day to figure things out. Today, you start the process of getting comfortable in your own skin. But tomorrow, next week, or next month, if you need a little help or a lot of help, I hope by listening to me today will convince you that our comparable experiences is an opportunity for understanding. Now, I'm going to release you. If you go through your phone, I have added my contact information. Call me if you would like to talk. In the meantime, we would like to see you back here in ten days for a checkup both physically and mentally. Any questions? Any thoughts?"

"Dr. Jacobs, thanks for sharing. At the very least it stopped me from dwelling on memories that I would rather not think about right now. I can see how some of our experiences are connected. You've given me a lot to think about, but I wasn't deflecting when I said I just want to go home. I want to lie on my couch and zone out with the TV on. And I actually can't wait to go back to work tomorrow."

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I was already a few minutes late for my 10AM appointment with Dr. Jacobs, but I was still trying to talk myself into taking the next few steps into the lobby. I had taken the entire day off to come here, which considering the hours I had been putting in lately, better not be a problem. It was over three weeks since I was last here after being changed back. They had been sending me texts and leaving me voice mails for almost two weeks, trying to get me back in. I hadn't been ready and I still wasn't sure that I was now. I thought that I was finally sufficiently motivated to come back, but now that I was here, I had become very apprehensive. I poured myself a mental double shot of Buffalo Trace, shot it and slammed the glass down on the counter of my mental bar. I walked up to the reception desk.

"Jason Dixon for Dr. Jacobs."

"Good morning Mr. Dixon. Go on to the greeting room that you first met Dr. Jacobs in. Down the hall on the right. Wait there and they will be with you shortly."

"Thanks, I remember the way."

I found the room and sat down in the same spot on the couch that I had almost two months ago. Again, I stared at the Space Needle. I had made a decision the last time I had sat here and I had the classic thought, if I knew then what I know now.

The door opened. "Rebecca? Uh, Dr. Fleming? I thought I was meeting with Dr. Jacobs."

"I wanted to talk to you first. If he's needed, I will call him in." She sat across from me and took her time looking me over."

"Jason, you don't look well. What's been going on?"

"I'm just tired. I've been working some long hours. In fact, today is the first day off I have had since coming back. I've been working the weekends as well."

"Do you have work to do or are you finding work to do?"

"Bit of both. Coding is the most enjoyable thing in my life right now. I'm good at it, my boss likes me, and I don't have to think too deeply about things."

"Ok Jason, let's start with your boss. Tell me about the invite you received, subject: Attitude."

"How the hell do you know about that?"

"Jason, your participation in our process is considered medical research. Remember, you gave us your phone while you were in Hawaii, and access to its files. The documents you signed continues that access while there is a research need. We have not yet released you from our research. We can examine your work emails. Why was that meeting needed and what was discussed?"

"My boss told me that people had been complaining about me being blunt with them."

"Are your colleagues correct?"

"I'm doing my job. Maybe I haven't been very friendly, but I'm doing twice the workload of anyone else. I asked my boss if he rather me code at my current pace and be a bit brusque, or go all kumbaya but get less done. It was a quick meeting. I told him I would try to lighten up a bit."

"It sounds like you're trying to escape into your work. Have you tried other forms of escape like alcohol or marijuana?

"That first Friday after I got back I went out drinking with some people from work. Not a good experience. It brought up thoughts that I wasn't ready to deal with. I've been 100% sober ever since."

"So, exactly why don't you want to think about what happened? Are your memories painful? Embarrassing? Distasteful?"

"No. Nothing like that. They're just overwhelming. I'm not strong enough yet. I just want to code. Coding makes sense. Coding works the way it's supposed to, and when it doesn't it's just a matter of searching for the problem and fixing the code."

"It sounds like you can't find your problem, so you can't fix your code. So Jason, Dr. Jacobs told you his story as a way to build up trust through similar experiences. He then offered to help you if you have any problems and even gave you his number. Instead of reaching out you've been ignoring our calls and texts. You tried drinking, and your coding passion has you barely treading water. Why haven't you reached out?"

I turned away from her. My head was burning and I was almost hyperventilating. I got up and walked to the window. I turned from the Space Needle back towards her. I tried not to raise my voice but I failed.

"Why the hell should I think that you can help me! You did this to me! Why didn't Dr. Jacobs tell me some of that crap before I went through with it? I think I would have liked to know. It could have changed my decision or perhaps be better prepared!"

"Ok Jason, sit down. We have a long way to go.

Do you know that Dr. Jacobs has transitioned more than anyone else? We do have a rotation of staff who transition as part of our research. I believe he told you that it was my idea. Roughly 25% of the volunteers go through it only once. No one else has gone through the process more than three times. Very few of 'the curious' come back and try it again."

"I'm not one of 'the curious'. I was helping out a friend."

"And you think that means you're not 'curious'? Of course you were. You convinced yourself that it was the only reason, but in reality, deep down, you were curious. So are all the people who believe they're doing someone a favor or just part of an agreement. Sorry Jason, you wanted to walk in those three inch heels.

We told you that the process could be an intense experience. We also told you that we were still doing research. A great deal of what Dr. Jacobs told you is normally inappropriate for someone who was in your position pre-transition. We have offered our help before and after your transition in case you had any issues. Whatever is wrong with you is not on us, even so I wish you would let us try to fix it."

All the air seemed to leave my body. I couldn't hold my head up and had it sag into my arms. For the first time since I was ten years old, I began to cry. Rebecca came to sit down next to me and put her arms around me and rocked me like a child. She was silent until I had calmed down.

"Jason, you have been putting off coming in for a couple of weeks. Why did you finally show up?"

"Something happened a few days ago. Something that made me realize that maybe I couldn't deal with everything by myself."

"You tried a different form of escape, didn't you?"

"I have a friend, her name is Angela. She was once my girlfriend, for at most five or six weeks. We just weren't right for each other. She liked different things. We just didn't get along well as a couple."

"But you became friends?"

"Sort of. We were always really good in bed. After we broke up, she called me about a month later and invited me over to her place for a drink. She suggested that we become fuck-buddies. If we were each going through a dry spell, we could call the other up and get together for sex, no strings. She had worked out a system where we could check in. If either of us were seeing someone and didn't want to screw it up, we could let the other know, no hurt, no problems. It worked out well. Sometimes she was busy, sometimes I was, and sometimes we spent the weekend in bed.

She called me last week. She came over the next day. At first, I was real excited. Knowing things from the other side, I was hoping to really show her a great time. I'm sorry Rebecca, there's no way to tell this story without being graphic. I had her panties off and my tongue up her slit within thirty seconds of her coming into my apartment. She had her first orgasm within a couple of minutes. She came several times and I would have gladly kept at it if she didn't finally shout out "Enough!" She was breathing real heavy, but once that calmed down she took off all her clothes and helped me out of mine. She laid back in the bed and beckoned me to her.

As soon as I kissed her I knew there was something wrong. She tried helping out both with her hands and mouth but it was hopeless. After a while, we realized it just wasn't going to happen. She asked if I was stressed out about anything, and I mentioned that I was working some long hours. She told me that I had always been a fantastic lover and that included what I had done for her that night. She told me to find a way to work less, find a dispensary, and try to relax. She said she would check on me in a week or two."

"I am sorry that it took something like that to motivate you into finally coming in. I have permission to discuss with you some Doctor Patient confidentiality. The reason why Peter and Peri have the record is because both of them have the same anchor. They both love Abby. Not hurting her, making her happy is their main focus. Most of the curious didn't have anchors, but they didn't need them. They didn't go through anything they couldn't handle and when they switched back they were fine. Peter and Peri went through some things that most of us would label difficult. Infidelity, sexuality, trust, friendship. Abby got them through it all.

You don't have an anchor Jason. Dr. Jacobs and I can only try to fill that role as best as we can."

"I do have an anchor Rebecca."

"Of course you do Jaci. But you have slammed that door shut. You would rather be lost in your precious code."

"I can't. I'm not strong enough. I control the code so I'm safe within it."

"Safe? You're in pain every waking minute. You're not safe you're hiding."

"Rebecca, I know what you want but I'm just not strong enough."

"Really? What is it that I want? It's not what I want, it is what you want. I only want the pain to stop. I want you to come out of hiding. I can't make you do anything that you don't want to do."

"Rebecca, I'm really lost. I need your help."

"I'll try. Can you please tell me, of the entire time in Hawaii, what was the very worst moment for you?"