One More Year Ch. 10

"Thanks." I let out a deep breath. "I'll try not to think that then."

"Melissa actually said she wanted to ask you and Ellie to come to the movies with us next week. Sara and John, too. Without Eric, of course. Or Jess. They're on her 'shit-list'."

"Oh, that'd be great." Ellie said. "Would John be okay, being there with Jay and no Eric?"

"Yeah, John hates Eric. Oh shit," Louis blushed. "I probably shouldn't have said that. Too many cocktails."

Ellie and I exchanged a glance, but neither of us pressed the issue. Although I suspect she really wanted to. Louis clearly didn't like to gossip, and he was just trying to be helpful. Hearing that Melissa was willing to throw down with one of her closest friends to be nice to me - that was kind of great. I wasn't sure I'd say yes to the movies, but it was nice to know the offer existed.

Louis got a call from his mom, who was ready to pick him up. Whatever she'd been doing had been nearby, so it wasn't long until he was handing us the money for his drinks. He got up, and turned to Ellie. "Take care of him."

"I always do." She grinned.

"I'm right here, you know."

He laughed. "Sorry, Jay. Take care of yourself too."

"I'll try."

He nodded. "Bye, guys." We waved, and he headed out to the parking lot.

"Well..." Once he was out of earshot, Ellie leaned back in her chair and gave me a scandalised look. "What do you think this underlying group drama is? It all seems very stressful."

"Who knows?" I shrugged, and grinned. "Remember how infiltrating this group was your plan?"

"No idea what you're talking about." She smirked. "What do you want to do now?"

I sighed. "I don't know."

"Should we go home?"

"I don't think I can drive right now." I considered my drink. We'd had quite a few already. I took another sip.

"We can get an Uber."

"I'm a bit worried about leaving my car here, though."

"Hold on, I have a plan." She took out her phone and began tapping away. "Jamie can drive us back."

"Does he have a driver's licence?"

"Yeah, he got it last week. It's what made me think of him." An amused grin lit up her face. "His parents weren't expecting him to pass, so they were caught off-guard, and he didn't get a car. He might not for a while. He'll probably be happy enough to get a chance to drive. Plus, we can buy him a virgin cocktail or something to say thanks."'

"Okay," I said. "Good plan."

She put her phone down. "Okay. Jamie's on his way. Let's get another round."

She managed to signal the waiter, who went off to get our drinks, along with one for Jamie - who, Ellie assured me, would be along soon.

"So, John hates Eric, and Melissa's on your side." Ellie said.

"Let's not talk about them right now please."

"Okay, fine. We should go to the movies with them next week though."

"I guess."

Ellie sighed. "You worry me."

"Why?" I tilted my head, frowning.

"Because you agreed to do something after I'd only mentioned it once."

I laughed. "Well, I'm fine."

"Are you?"

I took a deep breath. "Probably not, but I'm trying not to think about it."

"That's... healthy."

"Well, whatever it is, I don't want to talk about it in front of Jamie, please."

"Right." She sat up straighter. "You could tell him you know. I think he's got a gay uncle."

"It sounds like you're trying to set me up."

"I mean, if he looks anything like Jamie..." She made a growling noise.

I rolled my eyes. "Why is Jamie free today, anyway? Doesn't he hang out with Ryan and Drew? Ryan has a car, doesn't he?"

"It's still the whole Megan thing. He did what we said, and took her side. So now they're fighting, or they don't like him any more, or something. Maybe. Boy drama is secret drama."

I laughed. "It sounds like things aren't going well with her anyway."

Ellie just shrugged.

Jamie showed up a few minutes later - we could see him in the parking lot - and our drinks had arrived by the time he'd gotten inside. Ellie was right about his willingness to drive, but he also seemed to want to hang out with us. She grilled him on his relationship, and he mostly joked it off, but it seemed fairly clear things weren't going well with his girlfriend or his friends. We ordered a few more drinks each, and spent the rest of the afternoon there. When we were done he took us home, and walked back to his place.

***

Jamie, at Ellie's insistence, agreed to be our designated driver twice more that week. I wasn't consulted, somehow, in a deal that involved my car. But he had driven quite well that day, so I didn't really mind. It got me through that week without having to talk about Eric, which I was grateful for - the only time I saw Ellie again was when Jamie was around, and she respected my request not to bring it up around him. She'd occasionally text me about my 'unhealthy response', but it was easier to shut the conversation down in that format.

Weirdly, I ended up texting Louis a lot that week. We'd messaged back and forth to settle on a day to meet up for buying those materials for the project, and after that he'd just kept the conversation going with me. He kept asking how I was, but he seemed happy to avoid the topic of Eric. It came up once, but I'd just told Louis I didn't want to talk about it, and he'd let the matter drop pretty quickly.

If only it had been as easy not to think about it. I'd had to be honest to myself about reality - even if I was trying to think my way out of my feelings. I'd been slightly ashamed when I'd gotten back into my room that day, slightly tipsy, and had to deal with the debris of my earlier outburst. It felt really sacrilegious to have damaged a book, especially one that nice - regardless of who had given it to me.

I had gotten my overwhelming rage more under control, but anger still dominated my emotions. Hating Eric just felt so much easier to cling to. I didn't want to sit around feeling sad that it was over. What I wanted was to rewrite history, in a way. I wanted everything that had happened between us to be some sort of betrayal. That way it wouldn't hurt so much. It was all a trick, or a cruel joke that he'd played on me for his own malicious purposes.

I analysed every off-beat moment we'd had together, reading into his behaviour to try and find some dark motivation behind it. I managed to admit to myself at one point that maybe Ellie was right - I probably wasn't finding the healthiest way to cope. But I was stuck - it was a spiral of thoughts that didn't have a clear way out.

Eric, for his part, remained aloof - probably a good call, given how I might have reacted if he'd messaged me. At the end of the day, I didn't understand what had even happened, and he was probably the last person who could give me a good explanation. I had my theories about it being Jessica's fault - the kiss, and who knows what she could have done on that stupid church camp. But somehow, I was having trouble buying it.

Maybe that was just because I had trouble imagining him not being with a guy. The way we were together - I just couldn't believe that he could feel that way about me, respond to me that way physically, and still feel the same way with girls. But without the theory that it was Jess behind it all, the dark thought that crept into my mind was that maybe it was me - maybe I wasn't worth it.

I found myself dreading meeting up with Louis the following Saturday, even briefly entertaining the thought - as I turned my car into his driveway - of immediately turning around, heading back home and rescheduling again. But I hadn't even had time to consider before he'd popped out his front door, clearly having already seen me on the approach.

"We don't have to do this today, if you don't want to." He climbed into the passenger seat.

Confronted with the actual idea, it suddenly seemed very childish. Even worse if I had actually cancelled on him at the last minute like that, and he had seen me pull up to his house and then just turn around and leave.

I shrugged. "Have to get it done at some point."

"You'll cheer up when you're thinking about the project. You really got into the designing and the building. Your face lit up."

I laughed. "What a creative way of calling me a nerd."

"Sorry." He grinned ruefully.

We settled into silence as I pulled out of the driveway and headed off. It would take a little while to get to the mall we were going to. After a few minutes, what I was dreading had happened - his tone got serious.

"So, I... uh." He cleared his throat. "I need to tell you something."

"Yes?"

"Sorry, I know you really don't want to talk about..." He sighed. "Eric."

"No." I gritted my teeth.

"But I just thought that maybe you deserved more information. It's what I would want, given-" he paused. "I just thought it might be a good idea for you to know more."

"Okay. I'm listening." My curiosity probably showed in my tone, and he seemed to relax - sitting back further in his seat, his posture loosening.

"Okay. Where to start." He took a deep breath. "Eric's dad is back in town. I don't know if Eric ever told you, but his dad is-"

"A pastor," I said, tight-lipped. Eric's name was still causing a reaction in me, which I kind of resented, and it wasn't lost on me that this camp was a religious thing that linked back to his dad's influence somehow.

"Exactly. Yeah," Louis continued. "He's not a very nice guy. He kind of... I don't know... He likes to exert control and make people live the way he thinks they should live. Eric's mom almost had to get a restraining order, when they were getting divorced."

"Oh, god." I wasn't quite sure how to process that, but it fit with what Eric had told me. A near restraining order seemed a bit more serious, though. A vague, hopeful glimmer sprung up in my mind - of Eric as some sort of tragic figure that needed to be rescued from his dragon of a father. I quickly snuffed it out. Eric wasn't mine to save. Not any more. After the way he'd handled everything, I wasn't even sure I wanted him back.

"I'm not saying this to excuse Eric's behaviour - his dad definitely doesn't know he's into guys. But he has an effect on the way Eric acts - when he can bother to be around. It may be the reason that Eric suddenly feels like he's not... I don't know... 'going down the right path' or whatever."

Something about the quote - Eric's exact words - struck me. "Have you talked to him?"

"No. Not since, you know."

I nodded. "But then how do you know it's because his dad is here?"

"Oh," he said, with a wan smile. "You're not the first guy he's done this to."

"Oh." I said. And then it hit me. "OH!"

Louis blushed, and shrugged. "Yeah, I suspected he hadn't told you. It's what I meant when I said the whole thing with Melissa and John wasn't exactly about you."

"Wow." I felt suddenly off balance. I clung to the steering wheel, glad there wasn't a lot of traffic. "Right."

"I hope it's okay that I didn't tell you. I didn't know if he had or not, and I felt like it wasn't really my place."

"He should have told me." I sighed. "And you were probably right not to."

"Thanks."

"So he did the same thing to you?"

"Yeah," Louis sighed, rubbing his neck. "I don't think we were as serious as the two of you - It had only been like a couple of weeks, anyway, and we hadn't really done anything. Melissa had to deal with the fallout - even though she was more his friend than mine, at the time - and John actually ended up punching him."

"Oh, wow."

"Yeah, it wasn't all bad though. I'd come out to John recently, and he'd gotten really weird about it, and I thought we were done being friends because of it. But then he did that, and though I didn't approve we were... kind of... better." He chuckled, and looked away. "So I guess it worked out well."

"Yeah..." I didn't want to pry, but I had about a thousand questions. "So, you stayed friends with Eric after that?"

"Oh, yeah. We avoided each other for a while - his dad was still around, so I basically didn't exist. But then, when Mr. Christiansen left, Melissa made Eric apologise."

"Of course she did."

"Yeah," Louis laughed. "He wanted to get back together, but I just wasn't there any more, you know?"

"Right." I could imagine feeling the same way. But it was much harder to see myself ever being friends with him again.

"And then he found someone else, so it became a moot point." Louis said softly.

"Me?"

"Yeah."

I didn't know what to say to that, but fortunately I didn't have to respond immediately - at some point we'd arrived at the mall. So we got out and made our way to the craft store. The conversation moved on - mostly to topics of what materials would make the best miniature medieval catapults for the project.

He had a targeted approach, whereas I just went around throwing anything vaguely interesting into the cart. I bought a lot of other items as well. There were some electronics project kits I thought I'd be interested in doing, and one or two gifts for Dot and Des that I thought might be fun bribes for the little monsters, when I needed them. Because all the things I wanted to buy had made up the majority of the cost, I just ended up paying for everything - mostly for convenience.

"I could have paid for some of it." Louis said as we made our way out.

"Yeah, but I didn't want to have to split everything up, and halve the cost, and ugh." I shook my head. "Too much calculation. No maths - we're on holiday now. This is the first Saturday in two months where we haven't had those classes."

"Hard to argue with that." He grinned. "Should we get lunch?"

"Yeah, sure."

We made our way to the food court. He paid for my order - insisting, because I'd paid at the craft store - and we ate in relative silence. I was pretty comfortable around Louis at this point, so I wasn't talking incessantly to fill the time. It felt pretty natural to just sit casually at the edge of the food court, watching the crowd mill by.

I was just watching two guys walking along, holding hands, and I was about to mention it to Louis when I noticed that he was looking behind me, with an odd expression on his face. I turned without thinking, tracing the direction of his gaze.

"Jay-" Louis began in a stunted voice, but if he said anything else I didn't hear it.

Eric was there, hands in his pockets, shuffling along a course that would bring him directly next to us. He looked so different that for a second I wondered if it was actually him. Walking alongside him was a man who was obviously his father. I didn't need the tab-collar as a hint - barring the greying temples and the bitter lines around his mouth, he looked almost exactly like Eric. It was like seeing the ghost of a depressing future.

Eric's eyes drifted across the mall, and came to rest on me. His gaze didn't linger for very long, but it was clear that he saw me. His body language - already so stiff and strange - shut down even further. He sort of shrunk in on himself. His gaze moved coolly on from me, as if he hadn't seen us sitting here, and he just walked right past us. It kind of felt like being punched in the stomach. I froze in my seat. Louis' face went slightly red, and he clenched his fists.

"Jay," he said softly.

"I need to go." I got up, binned the empty packaging from lunch, and grabbed the bag of our day's purchases.

"Yeah, okay." Louis got up and began following me.

I walked quite quickly, and Louis was rushing slightly to keep the same pace. When I saw the entrance to the parking lot I sped up, ignoring Louis as he paused awkwardly by the ticket machines. By the time he'd caught up again I'd already thrown the shopping in the back of my car and climbed into the driver's seat.

"Jay..."

I didn't answer, and I had just started crying - the confines of my car at least felt like a safe enough place for that. The last thing I wanted to do was to just burst into tears in the middle of the mall. I didn't want to cry in front of Louis, either - it seemed slightly unfair somehow to make him see me like this. He must have had his own things going on, and his own feelings about all this Eric stuff. It really didn't make sense, or seem fair, that he had to comfort the guy his friend had fooled around with and then ditched.

"Sorry." I said, mopping at my eyes, and trying to contain myself. "I'm fine. Really."

"Stop being so-" he said, cutting himself off in exasperation. "Just come here."

He grabbed me in a tight hug, and held me as all my efforts to reign in my emotions failed. I just wept uncontrollably into his shoulder, probably getting tears - and hopefully not snot - all over his shirt. Luckily, I was past the point of being self-conscious. I hadn't cried about the breakup, and it was surprising how much of a relief it was, even though I hadn't wanted Louis to see it. Eventually the overwhelming tide of my sobbing receded - that, or I was just running out of breath. I pulled back slightly, and Louis let me go.

"Better?" He tilted his head to the side.

"Yes, sorry. Thanks." I grabbed some tissues from the glove compartment and began to mop at my face.

"We need to pay for parking. Give me the ticket, and I'll go do it." He gave me a cautious smile. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded, handing him the ticket. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

He paused while opening his door. "You know, you're an amazing guy, Jay. You'll move past this. It's fresh right now, but soon, it just won't be. And you'll be okay. Even if it doesn't seem that way right now."

"I just..." I shook my head. "I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time. Or what I'm supposed to think. About anything."

He gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Don't worry. You'll figure it out."

I nodded, and swallowed. "Thanks."

"Okay." He smiled, and opened the door. "I'll be right back."

"Okay."

He got out and closed the door, and marched off towards the entrance of the mall. I sniffed, and grabbed some tissues from the compartment underneath the armrest. Wiping my face with them, I sighed. I guess my anger at Eric hadn't been as solid as I thought. Seeing him up close like that, it had become impossible to pretend to myself that I didn't miss him already. I was going to have to find a new way to deal with it all. The embarrassment that Louis had seen me crying like that was fading, and I was just really grateful I had him as a friend.