Online Hookup

Who am I?

I asked myself this as I took another photo in an angle that supports the narrative I wish to be told. I take 10 and send one, and hope that he's not repulsed by anything and stops spending his time with me. I do enjoy his company even if it feels like he's a sugar daddy stopping by when needing his fixing, then running off to be somebody, I guess. Don't we all want to be somebody I think as I snap another photo.

He chimes in to remind me he is broke; I am not really sure why beyond the need to "string me along" and let me know 'hey I haven't forgotten about you, but premium isn't my thing' or as I say take me out on a real date for once, but I guess that's a premium now. Whatever. At this point I do not expect him to ever take me out on the town to show me off, but it's nearly a game to see how many excuses a person can have when they don't want to pay for what they asked for. Like BRO, you asked me to go on a date with you, then when I was ready you said I can't pay for it and won't let you pay so let's not go and you can send me a photo instead.

Like then don't waste my time and make me think you care more than you do on the other side of the screen. But I also get that they want to stay relevant enough that I don't block them. However, what else is there to gain, you get to see me typing so when you look at the photo you have you can imagine you are actually talking to me, and no "money" is spent but the deed is done. Like what happened to walking the park, going to an event downtown, going for a drive down a scenic road, I don't need 5-star dining. I can feed myself, thank you very much.

Now does knowing this make me feel a certain way or think differently, umm that I am not entirely sure about as I can go about it a couple of ways and I can make it awkward if I want too, but I am not sure I want to make it awkward, as I sent it, so now I have to live with that.

To help you understand where all this emotion for something so simple comes from, I was never the one to show and tell or show, it was not my style. I am a private person, and intimacy has always been a side of me that was for me and my person, my love whatever you want to call them in person only. As that was a moment for us, when we wanted a moment of passion, or just to get fk'd, as we all have needs. But in this day in age, I get looked at like a prude who needs to unbutton the blouse a little and stop not showing what you got to anyone who wants to gaze upon you. Then I feel like I need to hide all over again. Yet, when I open up, I know it is for me and I felt that power and I felt that I let go of a barrier all by myself. I did it. So why. Why do I feel like I need to go back and change my mind and not show them a private moment? Maybe that is the shy side of me fighting with the flaming side of me. Battling demons, I wish to not see so instead I feel emotionally.

I liked to show myself to you, but in the end all I feel is used and abused for many nights to come on repeat until a new one comes along. To steal your mind, your lust, your need to please, all that will be for someone else, and I will be tossed to the side like last year's model. Or is that the insecurities I keep.

Talking to you has made me think of sex and my body in a way I have never seen before, and how the power of words really can turn on or off someone so fast. So, you have to learn and adapt to keep them attached, hand and shaft, the pace that wins every time, for some just the tip at first then whole slow and steady yet nice and messy, others, quick and dirty and down to the balls. Whichever you choose, it will show in the end.

There are so many possibilities, of whom they could be and who I want them to be, but to the online hook up that lasted a few weeks I still see you typing from time to time. I won't know if you will say something or use what you have but it's like it's your way of telling me you are thinking of me this time. Do you reread the banter, or make your own dialog? As I too get curious about how you use me in your alone time.

An online hookup, would you dare to try again or move on to someone new? Stay tuned, as I too can grow bored and impatient, if left waiting too long.