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"Alright Bobby, this is the perfect opportunity. Let's go over and talk to them. I think her friend in the red dress is actually really cute. I'll go talk to her friend and give you two some alone time together okay?" Dave explained to Bobby.
Bobby's head was reeling a bit. This had to be the perfect moment to introduce himself. It was as if the stars had all aligned and created this opportunity for them to meet. His palms started to sweat a bit and he wiped them on his pants as he nervously agreed to what Dave had proposed. He must have practiced what he would say to her when he approached her a hundred times, but he suddenly couldn't remember any of the lines he had practiced.
Okay. Bobby started to talk to himself. He could do this. It wasn't going to be hard. All he had to do was introduce himself as someone who was in the same class as her and say whatever felt natural. He gave Dave a nod and they both decided to walk over to them.
The short walk over to where they were sitting seemed to be a mile long, and the short moments seemed to last an eternity. He tried to appear calm and collected but inwardly he was freaking out. He felt like those cartoon characters that were sweating an ocean of bullets. Oh god, he thought, hopefully his nervousness wasn't too obvious.
As they walked up to them, Dave was the one that spoke first. Bobby silently thanked him in his head. He wasn't ready to speak just yet. This girl seemed to take his breath away, and all she was doing was sitting there. As they approached, Bobby noticed that the girl in the red dress squeezed her friend's arm to wordlessly signal that guys were approaching them
"Hi. Were friends of James and Gemma. My name is Dave and this is my friend Bobby. May I ask who you lovely ladies are?" Dave asked, trying his best to be suave and smooth.
The girl in the red dress smiled. Her smile seemed genuinely sweet and disarming. Bobby liked her already. "Hi there. My name is Jackie and this here is my friend April. It's nice to meet you guys." Bobby could visibly see April stop and focus on us. All the while, Bobby was praying that he wouldn't mess this up like he usually did.
- COMMENTS
Distant_Dreamsabout 7 years agoAuthorI know that I jumped the gun a bit with publishing the first part of the story
I found an editor that is willing to help me out and he has also brought up these concerns as well.
I am trying my best to get longer posts and publish a more polished end product. Thanks for the feedback and hopefully the next post will come soon!
- D.D.
GrandPaMabout 7 years agoStopping this at the beginning of their introduction is a horrible place to leave your readers hanging. You should, at the very least, have let them say a proper hello.
There's my main complain. You have drawn us a picture of some interesting characters and set the stage, but drew the curtain far too quickly. If you were looking for your audience to want more, well done, but perhaps too frustratingly slowly. Reading a story broken up into such short pieces as this is kind of like watching a video of an action/fight scene lit only by slowly blinking strobe lights. There's a lot happening but we only get too-short glimpses of it. So, in short, MORE please - and in bigger chunks! In truth, your chapters don't need the separation they provide - at all.
