Orchestrated Payback

~*~*~*~*~

"Thanks, team," I tapped my baton on the music stand to gather attention, "So this week is the culmination of Rach-May-ninoff or whatever the stupid publicists decided to stupidly advertise Rachmaninoff month with and it's the stunning second piano concerto and the Symphonic Dances opus 45 this week. Um, most of you know Catherina Castellano is unable to be with us, but we will make do with local Simon Fordham who I think most of you have worked alongside before. Simon will be with us tomorrow afternoon and Friday to polish the concerto, but we will focus on the opus 45 today. Let's take it from the top, shall we?"

It was a great rehearsal. It was not new music per se for most of the orchestra, but I had my interpretation of it. I dreaded Simon turning up the following day. After the rehearsal I had some media work, mainly radio, promoting the final Rachmaninoff concert of the month. It was almost a sold-out show, but Donnie insisted I do some further promotion.

"So, Katie, why Rach-May-ninoff?" the announcer prodded as an opening question.

I told her of my love for all things romantic era and how Rachmaninoff had always spoken to me.

"When I took up this position, I suggested a Rach month to sort of honour my idol if you like and pay homage to the composer whose work I most like to explore."

"Excellent, and I believe you will be working with local Simon Fordham this week too on the piano concerto?"

"Sadly, we had arranged for Catherina Castellano to be our soloist, but she became unwell and was unable to travel. I do hope we can work with her later in the year."

"You and Simon were contemporaries at the conservatorium, I believe?"

"Yeah, he was ahead of me and pulled a nasty prank in a recital."

"So, you'll be repaying him this weekend?"

"No, not at all. People are coming to hear the Rachmaninoff second piano concerto and that's what they'll hear." I laughed forcedly, wishing I didn't have to talk at all about Simon Fordham.

~*~*~*~*~

"Katie, wait up!" Simon caught me as we broke for lunch. I had not even noticed he was in the rehearsal space as we rehearsed the symphonic dances, "That was something else. I really am glad I get to work alongside you this week."

"Hmmm," I replied simply as I reached for a tub of salad at the cafeteria.

"I heard you on the radio last night and had to laugh. You know I smiled when I realised that I get to open the concerto at the piano and there's no way you can prank me back."

"Yeah, well I'm not really into payback."

"You prefer grudges?"

I placed my tray at a table and looked at Simon. I could not make out if he was still teasing me or not after all this time.

"I'm too old for tricks, Simon. What you see is what you get and I'm here to make music, that's all. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd prefer to eat alone."

Simon got the hint, and I could see him joining Lucy and Mark at their table. I knew if I had sat there, they would have invited Simon to join us. This was not a grudge. I seriously doubted Simon's ability to bring the concerto to life. He had always majored in Mozart and other classical era composers at the conservatorium, and when I heard him attempt Chopin in a recital, I felt he lacked the lyricism required to portray the composer adequately.

To say I was shocked at the rehearsal would be an understatement. Perhaps if I'd bothered to read some of the reviews of his performances over the previous year I might not have been as surprised, but Simon interpreted the concerto with grace and beauty.

"Are you sure you're right with the tempo at the start of the third?" I asked Simon as I gathered my belongings together at the end of the rehearsal.

"Honestly, you're the Rach specialist and I'm willing to follow your lead."

"Yeah, but, I'm willing to listen to your requests. I'm not a total dictator!"

"Hmm..." Simon was smirking at me, "Coming to the pub? Lucy arranged for Nigel, Mark and her to catch up, a mini conservatorium reunion if you like."

Lucy was again my lift, so I hesitantly agreed, despite being able to catch a tram home if needed.

Simon insisted on grabbing the first round and Lucy commented on the perceived chemistry between Simon and me during rehearsal.

"Bull shit!" I exclaimed, "Hell will freeze over before anything like that happens!"

"Like what happens?" Simon placed drinks in front of us.

"Nothing. So how long have you been back home?" I asked.

"End of last year. I came back from Europe four and a bit years ago and toured until the end of last year but decided to take this year off and take on some students and focus on my composing."

I offered to buy the second round of drinks, but Simon excused himself and said he needed to get home for Celeste. I made nothing of it, but Nigel was very surprised telling us all that that was very un-Simon-like behaviour.

After the rehearsal on Friday Lucy and Mark had told me they needed to head out to a party, and I had already planned to catch the tram home.

"C'mon maestro, you owe me a beer from the other night." Simon held the door for me as we exited.

"I'm not sure what I hate more, maestro or primadonna." I grinned.

I was surprised there were no colleagues in the pub, and it was just the two of us.

"I'll stick with Katie then. So, New York, hey? I'm surprised you weren't snatched up."

"I was."

"I mean personally..."

"Yeah, I was," I sipped my beer and regretted coming to have a drink with Simon. "What about Europe?"

"It had its ups and downs. I discovered why so many people like romanticism."

"I did wonder when Donnie said he'd engaged you. I thought you were a Mozart and Beethoven nut."

"Still am, but I discovered what romance was all about."

I simply sipped my beer and let Simon talk.

"I got married."

"Congratulations," I offered.

"It didn't last."

"Shit happens."

"Did it happen to you too?"

"You could say that."

We both sat in silence for a while. I finished my beer and stood to leave. At least we were even on drinks now and I wondered if we might have, at least, partially thawed the atmosphere.

"I'm sorry I ever thought to switch pieces on you, but the laugh was on me. I have a recording of you playing the Bruch; it's superb and my favourite interpretation ever."

"Nah, it's almost 15 years. I've almost forgotten about it."

"I was almost failed you know. Thanks for stepping in for me."

"I didn't. I was asked what I thought they should do with you and I told them I'd rather see you graduate than hang around for another year."

"Ouch! Of course, that was when we realised that I hadn't made up the first-year subject I failed because I was too cocky. So, I still hung around for a few months."

"I tried not to notice."

"I noticed you not noticing, don't worry."

"I need to go."

"Thanks for the beer, Katie. I really mean it when I say I'm loving working with you."

"Yeah, it's not as bad as I thought it might be," I smirked as I grabbed my satchel leaving Simon smiling.

I put my headphones in on the trip home but did not play anything through them. It stopped people from trying to talk to me. I thought about the timid me who arrived at the conservatorium and how Simon's prank ended up giving me a voice and showing people what my real capabilities were. I hardly played the violin anymore, but I did still sometimes bring it out and fiddle to pass time.

That night I did and found myself playing the opening bars to the Bruch Violin Concerto, the piece Simon had substituted, not realising I had studied it for my final year of school and played it at my leaving recital upon completing my secondary education.

~*~*~*~*~

The concert was a resounding success. We received a standing ovation and Simon and I were given flowers as recognition of our performances in the final Rachmaninoff concert of the series.

"You looked so goddammed sexy up there!"

"I beg your pardon?" I could not believe what Simon whispered to me as we took our final bows, "I'm not a fucking sex object for you or anyone else for that matter."

"I didn't, I mean, you're brilliant. You're so accomplished and amazing and gorgeous and, can we grab a bite to eat, and I just, I just need to spend more time with you. I'm writing a violin concerto based on you."

"Are you serious? Fucking hell. No. I don't know what vibes I've given off, but if you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman, the world's population would die. I've worked fucking hard to make it in this world and I don't know what you might have heard, but I have never slept with a fucking soloist or member of my orchestra and I'm not about to fucking do so. Fuck me." And I slammed the door to my dressing room behind me, before opening it again and telling him "And I'd call you a cunt, but you lack the fucking warmth and depth."

The atmosphere of elation from the end of the month dissipated and I threw the bouquet at the newly closed door. I was angry, furious even that Simon had just assumed I would jump at the opportunity to be in his presence. I sat on the couch and sobbed as I remembered Martin and realised how much I missed him.

There was a tap at the door several minutes later. Lucy took one look at me and rushed over to hug me. "Martin?" she asked.

"No, Simon."

"Simon?" she broke the hug and held me at arm's length, "What's Simon got to do with things?"

"He asked me out at the end of the concert. But don't worry, I think he knows where he stands."

"You didn't?"

"Oh yeah, he got Katie-sprayed."

"I wish I'd been a fly on the wall."

"No, you don't. It probably wasn't my finest hour."

"It's pretty clear he likes you; I mean the way he just gazed at you at drinks the other night."

"No, he didn't, did he?"

"I think I made it pretty clear that I'm not interested."

"Why? Because of a silly prank?"

"I mean, I hardly know him, but I suppose he doesn't seem as cocky as he was 15 years ago."

"Um, I think you've probably both changed a little in 15 years. Give him a chance."

"Thanks, Luc, you're amazing. And hey, happy maternity leave! That was your last concert."

Simon must have left pretty much straight away as he was not hanging around when Lucy and I departed my dressing room. I could not bring myself to text him to apologise and I figured that as he was not looking for work as a performer there would be few places our paths would cross.

~*~*~*~*~

At our June family lunch not only did we meet the delightful Yui, but Juliet and Vlad shared that they were expecting their first child in February. It was such a joyous time, but I did wonder if I was as fulfilled as I pretended to be. Lucy was weeks off giving birth herself and rehearsals had been different without her there.

Nigel tried to take Lucy's place as my chief cheerleader and ear when I needed to complain, but it was not the same. After our final concert before a month off over Winter, he did get me to open up after dropping me home and managed to get me to admit that I was perhaps not as content in my private life as I was in my professional one.

"Well, it was pretty clear Simon Fordham had googly eyes for you last month."

"Yeah, I fucked that one up. I told him where to go and was possibly a little too hard on him."

"Ya think?"

"Did Lucy tell you?"

"He did. We caught up last week."

"Shit. He must hate me."

"Yeah, no... I think he's liked you for over 15 years, but fortunately, he's matured a bit in that time too. I did like you telling him he lacked the warmth and depth of a cunt! I must remember that one."

"Was he really upset?"

"Does it matter? You made it pretty clear where he stands."

"Fuck. I should never have agreed to Rach-May-ninoff. I knew it would make me emotionally unstable and just think of Martin all the time."

"I get that you miss him, and remember, I met him when I visited you, but was he really the saviour you paint him as? Was he as perfect as your memories portray?"

"Get out!" I screamed, "Don't you ever, ever, speak of Martin like that again."

"Fuck a bloody duck, Katherine, he was a fucking narcissist, and everything had to revolve around him, when it was going to start revolving around you, he couldn't cope."

"You don't understand, it wasn't like that. Just get the fuck out."

Crying myself to sleep I wondered exactly where I had gone wrong.

Nigel called again the Sunday afternoon and brought a bottle of gin as an apology. We sat and talked and both of us apologised for our outburst the night before. Surprisingly, Toby also called in when Nigel was there, and I filled my baby brother in on what had happened.

"Did you ever have any counselling, Kit, like after Martin?"

"You mean therapy? I was in the States, remember, isn't everyone in therapy?" I sounded almost sarcastic.

"Yeah, therapy, counselling, whatever. It might help. I know you never tried."

I wondered if Toby was onto something and briefly mentioned it to Lucy when I called in to visit one afternoon.

"Mark still sees someone after his sister died and he says it helps. I could get a recommendation for you if you like?"

~*~*~*~*~

The second half of the year was busy with a mini-tour up north with the orchestra and a guest conducting gig in Perth as part of their Promenade series. I also took the advice of my friends and saw a therapist to talk through my relationship with Martin. Therapy was challenging, but it did help me bring about some form of closure.

Lucy and Mark asked me to be a 'Guide Parent' to baby Gus and we held a beautiful naming ceremony in September where we planted a tree and offered him lots of advice. Mark was already playing plenty of wind music to the baby, thus hoping he would take up a wind instrument and Lucy was busy introducing him to string music, but he loved his 'Uncle' Nigel tapping rhythms on his tummy which always made him giggle and made us all believe he was set to become a percussionist like his other 'Guide Parent.'

Seeing the new love Lucy and Mark had created in their new family saw me talk about my hopes and aspirations with my therapist. She suggested I try online dating, but that ended disastrously when I could never swipe the way to agree with anyone on the site.

"You're too choosy, Katie!" Lucy told me over coffee one Monday morning, "I mean, look at him, he's not that bad looking and it says he's a barman, so he'd keep similar hours."

"Yeah, but..." and I proceeded to again argue my way out of agreeing to meet the not so terribly looking barman.

I found myself thinking more and more about Simon, but I was too scared to reach out.

~*~*~*~*~

The Summer Youth Orchestra organisers took very little to encourage me to work with the state's young people in January whilst the Symphony took another break. In October when we had been arranging a program, one of the organisers suggested 'Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini' again by Rachmaninoff suggesting a young pianist he had seen perform at a piano exam that month and who blew him away.

"She's amazing. Such poise and talent for a 17-year-old."

"Who's her teacher?" I asked as I scribbled notes in the book I carried everywhere.

"Not sure, but her interpretation of Chopin was well beyond her years."

"Can I ring and ask her?"

"Sounds wonderful. So, Paganini Rhapsody, Ravels' orchestration of Mussorgsky's Pictures from an Exhibition' and Saint-Saëns 'Danse Macabre.' That's doable for 16--18-year-olds in 2 weeks, no?"

"Sounds great. I'll contact the soloist- what's her name?"

"Margot something-or-other. I'll email you the details."

I loved working with youth orchestras. Although not all instrumentalists at Summer Camp would go on to have a professional career as a musician, it gave me a chance to show what performing with an orchestra was like professionally for two weeks. This year's concert had already been booked to be telecast live on the radio which I knew would give the musicians a buzz.

"Hi, is that Margot? Hi Margot, it's Katie Ainsworth here from the Symphony Orchestra. I'm conducting the senior Youth Orchestra at this year's Summer School and your name has been given to me by a colleague as someone who might be our soloist for Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a theme --" I was cut off with an almost shriek down the phone, "That's great! Perhaps I could meet with you in early January, and we can finalise some things. Who's your teacher?"

I should have known. Simon Fordham. I laughed to myself as I realised there was no way I could move in musical circles and not come across Simon. I had mentioned my treatment of Simon in therapy, reflecting on the hurdles I had faced as a female conductor in a predominantly male world. It had been cathartic talking about the situation and made me realise I owed Simon a rather large apology.

I started typing texts over and over for days and days before settling on a simple self-deprecating message that I hoped would make him laugh.

'New phone, who dis?' was the brief reply. I had started to reply when the follow-up came through.

'That was mean, sorry K, how did you hear about Margot?'

'Her examiner is on the Youth Orchestra board and he was raving about her Chopin interpretation, so I thought why not take a punt.'

'You made her day! Margot's Maddy's best friend so all I've heard for weeks is Katie this and Katie that.'

'Sorry! Can we perhaps meet for a drink or dinner or something?'

'You and me, or you Margot and me?'

This was harder than I had planned.

'I was thinking about you and me. I need to apologise in person for being such a bitch.'

'No, you don't, but I'd like to catch up. Are you free tonight?'

I knew I was, but I was not prepared for things to happen so soon.

'Not really. How about lunch tomorrow?'

'Perfect. Where shall we meet?'

'I'm just doing paperwork at the office. How about the Italian place a block from there? I think it's called Mama Rosaria's or something.'

'I know the one. See you, what 12.30?'

'Yep. See you then.'

A guest conductor was working with the orchestra that week giving me time to plan some of my side projects including Youth Orchestra. In my head, I told myself the meeting with Simon was simply part of this.

"New dress, Katherine?" Donnie asked as I arrived the following morning.

"No, not overly. It's getting warm so I thought I'd dust it off."

"I should take you to lunch then seeing you're all dressed up." Donnie's smile indicated he doubted my reply.

"I'm actually meeting someone already, professionally that is, of course."

Donnie remained smiling and whistled as he tapped away at his computer.

"Have fun and don't hurry back." Donnie again smiled as I put on a new coat of lipstick and grabbed my handbag shortly before 12.30.

"I hope you haven't been waiting long." I greeted Simon who was already seated when I arrived.

"I was early so, it's all good. You look great."

"Thanks. So do you." I had to admit he did. His polo shirt showed off his muscular arms, the purple colour bringing out his blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Margot's so excited. She's got it down pat already. She's a natural, better than I ever was at her age."

"She seemed lovely on the phone."

"She is. She's often at our place. Her mother died a few years back from cancer and her dad's not coping that well. Shit, how's your mum?"

"She's great! She had a PET back in May that was clear so she's in remission. She even made it to a concert last week."

"That's fantastic news, it really is."

"Thanks. How's Celeste?"

"So-so. She's not any better, but she has an amazing outlook on things."

"And an amazing brother to care for her too."

"Why, was that a compliment Dr Ainsworth?"

I simply smiled as I looked at the menu. The waiter brought our drinks before Simon asked me about America.