Out in the Black Ch. 20

I got twitchy when she didn't message back right away after the first few. Reminding myself that I wasn't the center of everybody's universe, I recognized that she was probably working, the project that had taken her to the Ring keeping her busy. So I tried to stay occupied, waiting for my comms to let me know I had an incoming message. Once they did, I'd like to say I finished whatever task I'd set myself to, but I really did not. As soon as I confirmed the vid was from Kells, I was off to the room at a pace just under a jog.

When I opened the recording and saw how short it was, my hopes fell so hard I'm surprised they didn't punch a hole through the hull and vent us all into space. Guess that would have fixed my whole journaling problem.

Pushing play, I found myself staring at a more serious Kells than I'd ever seen before. "Rusty," she began somberly, "I - I don't know how to say this." She paused and inhaled. Exhaled. Inhaled again. "It sounds like love, you dope." Her face broke into a huge grin and she shook her head before ending the vid. I had to play it through twice more before I was convinced I'd heard her correctly.

Once my confusion faded, I realized I was seriously fucking angry. I had poured my innermost thoughts and feelings into more than a dozen messages over the last two days and this was her response? Fuck that.

I was just reaching for the controls of the big terminal on the wall when my comms dinged again. Seeing that the incoming message was from Kells, I nearly deleted it unwatched. My curiosity got the better of me, though, and I sank down onto the edge of the bed to open the vid.

"You know I was just fucking with you, right? Of course I'm going to actually address what you sent me. Hang on." Kells settled into a more comfortable position in her chair and then did just that, sometimes allowing two or three messages to pass without comment before pausing to make an observation or analysis that tied them together. The theme continued to be that she thought I was sickeningly in love with the captain, but at least she took the time to work me through her reasoning. I didn't know that I agreed with her, but I could see where she was coming from. And maybe part of me was afraid to agree with her because I wanted it so damn much.

The thing about me and Kells was that she somehow was very good at calling me on my bullshit without pushing me away. I don't know where she learned that skill, but however it happened, the process needed to be licensed and sold. The more I repeated my concerns, the more she stripped them down and showed me the bullshit parts they were made up of. "Think of your relationship like an engine," she insisted more than once. "It might limp along for a while if you aren't giving it the right care, but eventually it's going to quit on you. You have to pay attention to it, make sure you're feeding it prime fuel - the fuel is your emotions, Rusty. In case you didn't pick up on that." I muttered a curse and made an obscene gesture at the screen. "Of course, you also need to make sure to keep all the parts lubricated, if you get my meaning." I groaned and cut the vid in the middle of her laughter.

No matter what Matt and Doc Walsh felt about my chances, I was not optimistic that my shit would get figured. Look, I'd been an emotional wasteland for cycles: basically my entire adult life and, in some ways, a good portion of my adolescence. I'd been close to some of my fellow Strays, and sure, I'd imagined myself in love at one point in time. But then had come the knife. And the transport ship. With no education or money, getting back to the Ring - to the people I considered family - was not going to happen without a hell of a lot more luck than I'd ever had. So I was forced to make my own way around strangers where emotions were a weakness that could be exploited. One I couldn't afford.

"I just can't," I complained a handful of days later. "I understand what you're saying, and I can follow your reasoning, but there's this giant disconnect between where all that ends up and what you describe as being in love. I think I'm just fucking broken, Kells. I'm too damaged to be what he needs. To be the man Matt deserves." The buttons on the console blurred and I blinked back the burn in my eyes. This was it, the message I'd been trying to work up the courage to send. The words were out there now and, despite the terrified despair I felt at what they might mean, there was a part of me that sat easier. I had survived a lot of shit in my life to become the man I was. Until this thing with Matt, I'd been fine being me. Settled in my skin. Learning to love him the way he should be loved had weighed on me, got me trying to be someone other than myself. It was hard work, especially for something doomed to fail. Yeah, putting that burden down was a relief.

The thought of what this would do to me and the captain, though, that knocked the wind out of me. Even if I couldn't love him, I cared about him and did not want to hurt him. I hated the idea of splitting up, too. Imagining going back to sleeping alone - never again to catch that moment right when Matt woke up and smiled at me - turned up the dial on the tears. Wasn't no way I could blink fast enough to keep them back then.

A noise from above snapped my head up. Moments later, the captain's voice carried through the open hatch and down the ladder. Fuck me. If I couldn't get myself under control before he made his way into the room, I'd have to deal with explaining why I was covered in tears and snot. I didn't think I had it in me to lie to him right then, but telling the truth - that I was fundamentally wrong and would never be able to love him - that was impossible. So I ran.

After washing up in the head, I took my sorry ass to the gym. As long as I could remember, I'd been using physical activity to deal with stress. If I was angry or unhappy or unable to fuck away the irritation after one of my episodes, I'd work myself into a sweat and push my body to the very edge of its limits. With only enough energy to rinse off and crawl into bed before passing out, I'd lose myself to sleep and generally feel at least a little less awful the next day. Unfortunately, I was still under restricted activity. As tempting as it was to ignore Doc's rules and go full out, I knew - I knew - I would hate myself for it when she busted my ass next time I was in. But it sucked. Being adult about this was balls.

My comms beeped when I was contemplating another set of bicep curls. My weak side was already past the burn and into complete fatigue, but I still felt like shit and I didn't know what else to do. So I was thankful for the distraction, even if it was Kells telling me I was an idiot or something like that. Even worse, she could be agreeing with me. Fuck, what if she was agreeing with me?

"I'm calling again in two minutes, asshole. Pick up." What? Kells looked pissed. I didn't understand how she planned to actually call me in a manner I could answer, but I'd quickly learned not to underestimate what my friend could accomplish with strength of will alone. I grabbed a towel and wiped my face as I waited. Sure enough, my comms rang insistently a couple seconds later.

"How?" I answered, because I have no manners. There wasn't a vid feed, which I was fine with considering that I was red and sweaty and still overflowing with feelings.

"Called in a favor or two." Of course she did. "Don't worry about it."

"I need some advice," Kells continued.

"What?" That was not at all what I'd expected. The anger she'd displayed in her vid seemed to have evaporated.

"Advice. I figure you owe me since I've been listening to your bullshit for tendays." She had a point.

"Hit me."

"If only," she muttered and I rolled my eyes. "I, well, I kind of met someone."

"How? When?" I wondered why this was the first I'd heard of it.

"Rusty, the rest of the system doesn't come to a halt for your angst." Ouch. "This person is, in a word, incredible. Smart, funny, and so unbelievably hot."

"Uh huh. And you need my advice why?"

"You've got me on this whole evaluating feelings kick and I'm pretty sure I could really be into this person. Like, a lot. I'm more interested than I've been with anyone in cycles."

"Still not understanding the problem," I grumbled, trying not to take it personally that she liked this stranger more than me. I had Matt. At least for the moment.

"Don't get sulky. I like you plenty fine." Damn Kells and her ability to read me. "I don't know if I'm at a place in my life where I want to start a serious relationship. I love my job, but it takes me all over the system. This other person is pretty settled in a single location. I don't know how well being separated for quarters at a time would work. But I'm worried that I'll regret it if I don't take this chance."

"Do you love them?"

"No. I don't know them well enough yet. But from the time I've spent with them, I feel like I could get there. Easily. We get along really well, and our conversations are always active and interesting. We agree on the important stuff, though they challenge me enough to keep me on my toes. And have I mentioned that they are super fucking hot?"

"Yeah. You might have said something about that."

"Good. Because I can't emphasize that enough. So. Fucking. Hot."

"I got it," I growled. Kells laughed.

"Okay. So, make with the advice, my friend."

"Go for it," I responded without hesitation. "When I think about how I almost missed out on being with Matt, how I would have if it wasn't for you, it scares the hell out of me. He's the best thing in my life and my petty bullshit came so close to keeping me from knowing that."

"But you guys are on the same ship. You get to see each other all the time. It's not the same for me."

"I know, but I think it's still important to try. You and your mystery person might be able to make the distance thing work. Or one of you might be willing to make a change. I gotta tell you, if for some reason I had to leave the Marzi to be with Matt - or even stop flying altogether - I wouldn't have to think twice."

"But you love working on your girl!" Kells protested.

"Not as much as him." The words were out before I even realized what I'd said.

"Rusty."

"Wait." I was finding it hard to breathe. The panic was hitting hard as I played back that last part in my head.

"Rusty," Kells repeated with emphasis. "Say that again."

"No, but..." I trailed off, whatever objection I'd been reaching for not coming to me.

"I think you have your answer." Shit.