All Comments on 'Out of Focus Pt. 04'

I'm glad I waited to read all the chapters at one sitting. You have a great imagination to come up with all the different scenarios. In the end the true evil was destroyed and everyone else had a happy ending. This actually is a testament to the chaos theory, briefly stated means anything is possible anytime. Sort of like trying to predict the weather, which most of the time is a best case scenario.

Keep up the good work.

Five Stars Plus

Great reading, thanks!

... you did save this story with a strong finish.

I applaud you in being brave enough to put some supernatural elements in an LW story. It gives it a certain freshness.

While I am as guilty of this as you, I would suggest that you do not keep the erotic elements under wraps. That is what this site is for after all. I am still learning that lesson.

He grew...and I like that in a story. But it seemed like baby steps for 2.5 chapters...then suddenly he was spider man. But this is petty carping.

It engaged my interest and was well written. Thank you for your work.

I won't because in the end, all it would basically say is " Yes, I liked the story!" You did a good job with this. I eagerly awaited each chapter, and was pleased that there was little (to no) delay in posting. My inclination to pick apart plot holes, or character descriptions, just isn't important here. If there were flaws, they were more than made up for, with an engaging story, with solid continuity, and a few lessons in time-travel that make the main characters better people in the end. What more could the readers on this site ask for? You should be proud, and I thank you for this contribution!

I thought you'd gone back one time too many but in the end it worked. Nice story with an ending that really needed neither BTB or RAAC nor really any amount of cheating.

Or don't I want to know?? ))

Good story.

Observations:

1) I couldn't help but notice that the stones didn't seem to help their original owners.

2) It was a bit strange that they still had them when they went back in time.

For example, if Alicia had gone to Kenya again, wouldn't she have already been wearing the exact stone the woman gave to her in Kenya in the other existence?

Reconciliation at all costs

It's code for 'I'm a sad little man who can't conceive of any story ending without violence or punishment directed at a woman'

It's a pretty common complaint in this section apparently.

Fun read. Add sex and it would be 5 stars.

A unique and fun little story. Posting it in different sections was a mistake tho.

I liked this for it's originality and creativity. Multiple timelines where true love wins in the end. Thanks for posting.

protag was a worthless spineless piece of dog shit, but then again you made that completely clear in the opening paragraph or two of part one, so while I still comment on it I cant hold it to much against a story line.

In the end all I will really say it this, decently told story, entertaining enough to get me to come back to for parts 3 and 4, though with some downsides... the 2nd *twist* at the end was broadcast from a mile away with the 2nd stone, and the first incest *twist* basically being the forgiving reason for the sisters behavior over a more than decade long marriage doesnt hold any water.... while traumatic events can warp people, and ongoing traumatic events can do it even more.... there has to be a bent in their minds to start down whatever warped path they took... and the simple fact that you left out anything of evil manipulative bitch even without daddy *behind* her kind of throws that part of it all down the drain.

4/5 for decently written good tale with some rather glaring holes and plot devices pulled from an unlubed donkey -1 for above mentioned things

series rating 3/5

The one person that needed to be burned at this stage did get burned.

Francine did not need burned for things that she had not done and would not do in this timeline.

At this stage she was only a victim of her father, she had not become pregnant and married to Lou, she did not and could not cheat on Lou.

Why hold her responsible for things that would never happen ?

The story was good in that the protagonist grew a set. He went from a total wimp to someone a bit more assertive and capable of making decisions. Granted he was given a number of do overs to get it right.

The bad, the story started out a little too slow, the chapters were too short and the plot needed more development.

Great stuff, Flav. I'm not usually a fan of time travel, in fact it gives me a headache from hell to contemplate. Damn "Terminator" movies ruined it for me, along with a theoretical physics class I took in college.

My professor told the class at large, "There is no such thing as a self-perpetuating time loop, even if time travel were possible."

That said, this was very well done. The Asshole father got burned big time, just as he deserved. Convoluted plot all around. Well thought out and well written. Great job!

5 Solid Stars for each Part.

Most writers have an idea where they are headed when they begin a new story. Sometimes the story actually heads that direction, but often stories veer off course and head in another direction. And this might happen several times. Each time the writer has to scrap hard fought pages because they don't fit the new direction.

No doubt Flavian has experienced this with his own stories. But scrap pages? I don't think so. He just keeps them and resets the story line to the beginning. Every change in direction is still there and integral to the story!

Kidding aside, the story was imaginative and fun to read. Thanks for the effort.

rj

My only comment is be careful,your characters speak like they are uneducated people trying to sound educated,using words that don't really fit and it makes it sound stilted and pretensious. You don't need to do that, keep it simple and straight forward and it will work better.

@njlauren

Have you ever been to Atlanta, GA? Most notably the "high society" there? Trust me on this one. Flav nailed them to a T. LOL

Good story, should have been in the sci fi section.

I really liked this one. Not knowing where each of the 'jumps' would land him certainly added to the story.

good one for the hero

The series, as stated, is a slow start, but does gain momentum. Unexpected twists with the time aspect. A very different read. I really enjoyed the ride. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for sharing.

Now that was a diferent, but fun read...Good twists and turns

the TV show was much better

Little hard to follow but a good tale.

... was a lot of fun! Thanks for the read.

Yer following a well oiled formula - Thanks for writing. 3+

That was worth the effort that the author put into writing it! Our sincere thanks to him.

By the way, IMHO we have here an alternate universe tale and not a time travel tale.

The best stories have a slight element of the need to suspend belief in order to enjoy them. This story had that. If you can suspend belief a wonderful story will unfold that is suspenseful, entertaining, thought provoking and a sense of justice. The best story tellers here do this but sometimes we criticize them for having an unbelievable story. If HDK just confronted his wife as soon as he suspected something, the story would be over and we would not have had the wonderful gems that teach and entertains through parables. Think of them as cautionary tales. So the recipe for a great story may not be realism, realism, realism. Maybe the recipe looks more like; fantastic premise, realism, and a dash of fantasy as a spice. If realism is all we care to read about then we should all be reading a newspaper (not that those things are full of truth!)

Thanks for the read, and thank all of the fine authors that attempt to entertain us with a dash of the fantastic!

I agree with starmanfive's comments, realism with fantasy can yield a very good story.

A fun and engaging read. Well done.

I got so tired of the jumping around and one bullshit from another it could not hold my interest

I'm guessing that this story was inspired by Richard laymons bodyrides maybe lol

I'm liking your stories, I truly am, but your writing style is too clever by half. Quit trying to impress us (your encouraging readers) with complicated time jumps/shifts/dodges/feints/etc. Maybe I'm one of the stupid ones (my wife would say so) I don't mind a shift in time perspective - occasionally - BUT NOT AS THE DEFINING PURPOSE OF THE STORY! Enough already. Just tell us the tale.

TWILIGHT ZONE.

all the great LW tales are a thing of the past,,rare to have new read worthy posted in past couple years.

the newbe wanna be writers don't do it for me.

only about 10 mol great tale spinners on the site and thay haven't sbmiitted much over past few years.

2 star cause it posted in LW instead of sci fi.

left something to be desired. For instance: What happened to the two little girls who appeared in the first iteration but were gone in the final? I'd have liked the story more if the protagonist had grown balls in the first place and hadn't had to rely on magic to get him out of trouble.

I took the necessary step of NOT reading the first chapter.

It was amazing how much that enhanced my enjoyment of this story. Granted, you needed necessary tidbits: that he was shat upon by his boss, his wife and his co workers. that he rescued the magic African man with the bracelet.

However, armed with that knowledge, a good deal of tedium and pain was removed from the story (sorry).

So...take that for what it is worth.

You are a good author. You touch on new stories with imagination. That is the important thing. Here is a hint: if you KNOW that the first chapter is slow and tedious...maybe you change it before hand. Just saying.

Generally I am surprised at my stories being slow, tedious and awful until the commentariat tells me so. So I have an excuse ;-)

but usually its with a little outside influence, TK U MLJ LV NV

.

nailed it

KICKS SO MUCH ASS! For the person who couldn't follow the time line, the two little girls don't exist anymore because they put an end to the incest before Francine got pregnant.

The basic problem with the possibility of traveling backwards in time.

Is that the any traveler who successfully manipulates their timeline, now has to make any further time travel impossible.

In order that the next traveler into the past does not change the course of history again.

Ok....so he finally grew a set of balls, and got his life in order. There remains one really conspicuous fault though, he made no effort there at the end to save the guy who made all his do-overs possible. What kind of shithead would fail to save someone he literally owed his life to?

A bit scary to think someone would really be that passive that they'd let everyone get by with walking all over them... but I know, they do exist.

Nice to see him figure out there are things worth not taking crap.

One of the best stories I've read on this site! I was completely engrossed by the characters, the time travel, the twists and turns, and the ultimate ending. Wish I could have given it six stars...who says I can't; six it is !!

BDEarth

to much going back in time you had it going good until you went back in time again you made a 2 part submission into 4 part and made it drag out to much

Yes, I was thinking the same thing, that he should look up Mookie and try to help him out.

Wow, I definitely didn't remember the final twist with the father!

I definitely don't agree with the comments putting this down, I wish I could change my earlier 4 stars to 5!

Complex, convoluted but ultimately pointless.

I read the whole thing but it doesn't seem a good use of my time.

Out of focus probably sums it up.

Not pointless - just shows t sometimes takes a few tries to get it right p-

Boy, what a story. I usually don't care for sci-fi stories, but you made this one work. How many of us wish for "do-overs" regarding some aspect of our lives. I found this story well-written and very interesting with one hell of a twist at the end. I have to admit that I never saw that coming. Thanks for a very creative and entertaining story.

You were right, Started slow, But man, It was a page turner, Thanks for sharing

Very good story and well written. I used to pass by Ft. Snelling ten times a week on and out the Mendota Bridge. It still had one hundred year old Officer's quarters. Cheers!

Put this pile of s*** in the correct category.

Tho the timelords have some strict rules about changing the future from the past because there are so many variable timelines.

A really great story, well written and well developed characters - loved it.

You're a good story teller. Most people can write well. Only a few can tell good stories. Please keep creating and sharing your stories with us.

I had a lot of fun reading this story. Brave concept wonderfully executed.

Lou needs to find Mookie, wherever he is, and help him avoid having to borrow money from the gang.

Shades of John Carter of Barsoom...and the incomparable Princess Deja Thoris. (I think that was her name...been a while :) ).

Thanks for the effort.

lot's of enjoyable twists and turns.

I only just found this story.

And I'm glad I did!

And I love my grits

...a little time travel, and we figure out how to get the girl we were supposed to have, instead!

He sure did a lot of jumping around. I guess this is probably the "best" or "happiest" ending you could reach. But I really liked where the original ending was heading with him about to be rich and the rest of the idiots about to have their boats sunk. In this world I guess I like chaos better than Disney.

A few little plot holes, but willing suspension of disbelief rode right over them 'till I finished the tale and thought back on it. Good stuff, well done, 5*

This is one of if not the best stories I've ever seen on this site! There is sure is a lot of crap on this site, but this story is most definitely NOT crap.

Dude, you really are one goofy fuck !! A good writer nonetheless but goofy.

Well written, well edited and goofy !!!

I kind of enjoyed it :-)

Really enjoyed this one. Thank you

In writing this story the author performed one supper juggling act to keep all the parts and variations straight.

This 4 part story is Brilliant! Really well written and original story line. It's builds up slowly, but each chapter reveals another dark secret of the puzzle thar finishes with a surprised conclusion. *****!!!!!!

Enjoyed it. Been reading here for a year or so, and never found a story quite like this one. Good job!

I wonder how it would have if he escaped fom the first two hit men, and then proceeded to hammer daddy, Francine and her lover.

Tha way you avoid two additional time twists. One suspenion of disbelief into speculative fiction (SF) takes a big leap for the readers; but really now! Three of them!

Have you ever noticed that the best SF only makes one "what-if", and then the rest of the story follows logically in our reality, but with the one hook. Read H.G. Wells, "The Time Machine". One twist--time travel is possible, and the it all flows nicely. Recall that the theory of evolution was still brand new in in 1895 wheh Wells published it, so the evolution of mankind into two species over 800,000 years is quite plausible.

One hook, and then the rest flow along.

This was good for me, as I am a speculative fiction fan (encompases both Sci-Fi and Fantasy); but some readers may think it roo confusing and too hard to supend disbelief three times.

If Chelsea and Grace would have been naturals at playing "dueling banjos"?

Sorry, couldn't resist!

This really fits together well, changing the same scenarios going back in time. Great piece of work, 5*

Well, that was certainly different! In a good way. Thanks.

Well done....

you know that some of the Anonies have too many brain cells in one place...I'm really glad you allow us be entertained by their words of wisdom...

bill......5sssss

Well-written, well-paced and a happy ending!! What more could you ask for! Thank you!

Loved every minute of reading this story ... Good job.

I’m also glad I took the time to read all chapters in a single sitting. The story flowed smoothly and left me wondering how Louis would continue to evolve.

How often do we think back on moments from our past and wished for or wondered how a different action or response would have changed our lives? This was an imaginative walk in the world of “What If.”

For those readers who enjoyed the theme of being able to change life’s impact on reality try to find the book “REPLAY” by Ken Grimwood. Not sure if you drew inspiration from his story but I’m sure he would enjoy reading this tale of imagination.

After all the rock rubbing we get to where we wanted to be all along. A happy ending with all the questions answered. I enjoyed it.

I loved your comment:

"After all the rock rubbing we get to where we wanted to be all along. A happy ending..."

simply brilliant lol

Both creative and well written. Vastly better than most of the dreck that passes for writing here...all four parts deserve 5s

turned a good story into a silly fairy tale. I regret reading it.

Yes it was a fairytale but stories such as this are designed to allow us to relax and enjoy a few moments, without the constant pressure and worry of life’s realities.

As such it works well. It’s well written, the grammar is good and the spelling fine.

IF I'D WANTED A FAIRY TALE I'D GO TO THE DISNEY SITE (OR SOMETHING).

RUBBING STONES, BACK AND FORTH, I TRIED TO STICK WITH IT BUT I GAVE UP!

I kept thinking the whole thing will wind down with Louis jumping around thanks to his magic stone and having a great life and wife and then at the very end wind up back in the plane which goes down int he storm.

Hey sometimes I'm dark.

I do love time travel stories and this is, of a sort, a time travel and personal growth story. Enjoyed the hell out of it.

5 stars... enjoyed the idea of going back to progressively earlier times. well written story.

gamblnluck

...but great well written story. Thank you for your work, really enjoyed your stories so please write more😀

Part 1 seemed very slow, seemed to meander without purpose. After that, it’s truly excellent. The story concept is a nice twist on do-overs, the characters have some depth, and it’s very well written. The guest room scene.... I certainly didn’t see that coming! Great job of misdirection. Very enjoyable.

Left me a lot more confused than my first time through. Getting older I guess.

Still one of my favorites.

Strange...bordering on actually weird, but very good!

Don't know how I missed this one but I loved it. I could have stood for another part to draw out the events of this last chapter, but I'm just being greedy. 5* for the series!

To many retries to find the right path. Too long and so far out.

A fun story to read.

Crazy, but very entertaining story. Would have loved for him to run into Mookie again.

Wild story. Entertaining for sure