Out West Ch. 06: Kansas Nights

It took us a few weeks to arrange things, and as Martha's journal makes clear, there were a few problems. But what she does not tell the reader is that without her organisational ability there would have been no journey at all.

That leads me to point up one of the stranger features of the Journal, which if ignored, would lead to a negative verdict on her. Her portrayal of herself is relentlessly self-critical, with a tendency to dwell on the negative. That's not because that was who she was, it is rather the product of the use she made of writing it. That Journal, which I saw her write most nights, was where she poured out her insecurities and frustrations. What she achieved - and our love for her - are her true memorials. The Journal, which will be her monument in history, needs that caveat adding; and it can be added only by those who knew her. For me, as for Emma, this is an act of daughterly piety. She liked to be called "Mama", and she was that in all but a biological sense.

The Journal's other main feature is that like its author, it proceeds in a zig-zag fashion. Her conversations were often like a wheel with lots of spokes but no hub. She would start on a tangent, before moving at an angle to another, and her Journal partook of the same characteristics as her conversation. If you want chronology, you'll get it, but only by providing it yourself. She looked at life as a series of interlocking challenges, and whichever was upmost in her mind at the time, would be dealt with first. She dealt with her lovers that way, and it made life fun - but was not for the faint-hearted. I have, in writing her story - for this is really her story, though I am there as witness and participant - tried to accommodate her unique style and the reader's convenience.

If you end by thinking she was the most remarkable women you ever met, my job is done. In her own eyes she was "all warts", I have tried to paint her "warts and all". You, dear reader, will make your own mind up.

Martha was able to arrange the lease of the farm to Mary and Benjamin thanks to the invaluable help of Mr Smithers. He had an agent in St Charles, who was the very model of efficiency. Martha was sure that Jacob would have wanted to help freed slaves. Indeed, she was fierce about it. She spoke more and more of her husband. It gave some small sense of the losses which haunted this land. Whatever principles had triumphed, and however much progress had been achieved, brave men on both sides had been lost. The women and children left to grieve got cold comfort. But, as it transpired, thinking about Jacob presaged an unexpected development - at least unexpected by the rest of us. But that was Martha - life was never dull or conventional.

Martha arranged for us to travel to the City of Kansas. She called us together for what she called a "planning meeting", but which was, as usual, Martha telling us what we would be doing.

"We're going out West, an' we haven't got the right protection, you know that, right Kate? I ain't asking these two tenderfoots 'cos they don't know nuthin'."

That, I thought, was Martha, tell it straight. She was to tact and diplomacy what the later Attila the Hun was to the Roman Empire!

"I been thinkin' and I doubt even if we could find a scout to join us, it'd work. One guy and four gals is a recipe for disaster."

Kate agreed, asking if that meant our journey was off?

"Nope, 's not my direction of travel Kate. Give me ten!"

We looked at each other as she left the room. Martha had been "rooting through stuff", Emma told us, but she had refused to say why or for what purpose. I suspected we were about to find out.

Emma, who had been casting flirtatious glances at me the whole while, came over and hugged me.

"It'll be okay Pix, honest. Martha will find us a way."

So saying, she looked over at Kate. I sensed the tension - again. Although Kate was my maid and lover, she had been spending more time "helping" Martha, which Emma was happy with, although she was Martha's "other half". Emma was happy because she had begun to spend time with me; Kate was not happy for that very reason. Martha seemed genuinely torn, loving Emma, but for some reason I could not work out, trying to distance herself from her by wooing Kate. Kate was puzzled, Emma seemed oblivious, and me, well I was beginning to get ideas.

"Ready gals!" It was Martha's voice, but deeper.

With that, the door opened and a tall man with a stetson came in. He wore one of those long coats over his trousers, and his right hand had pulled the coat back to expose a handgun.

"Howdy, ladies! Jacob Anderson at your service!"

"Martha? Really!"

Emma's words expressed our joint amazement. The "man" was Martha.

"I'm going to be your protection! Can handle a gun better 'n most men, and this way will be able to protect you."

"My, don't you look rowdy and unruly, I could go for a man like you!"

Kate, forward as ever, came over and kissed "Jacob". (To avoid the irritating inverted commas in future I shall leave them off, but the reader will understand that whenever I mention Jacob, they are there, just as Martha was).

Jacob looked pleased, but glanced over, almost apologetically at Emma.

"Thank you Ma'am! You okay with this Emma?"

"Sure, sure," she said in tones which could hardly have fooled Jacob.

"Well then, Emma, you an' I will be partners, and Kate and Pixie, well we'll work out stories on the way."

I remember telling Kate later that it seemed an unlikely labelling. Emma was only just older than me, and younger than Kate. The cover story seemed feeble to me.

So it was as Jacob that Martha led our pilgrimage West on a cool early Autumn morning. Mary and Jacob and Elijah and Eliza bade us a fond farewell, and we set off on the way. I will let Martha's journal tell the next part of the tale, even if she does begin in the middle - well I did warn you all.

[Martha's Journal]

I had seen some riverboats on the Mississippi, but a Missouri riverboat was a different sort. But, of course, I knew that the Missouri was a different sort of animal to the Mississippi. I had even heard tell that people argued about which part was the Mississippi's real headwaters whether it might be more right to say what we call the Missouri over what came out of Minnesota. Truth is, all that was beyond me, and I didn't care much, but it was interesting to think about while the boat was slowly making its way up one of the arguments in question.

Mississippi riverboats was bigger, this one (it didn't have an official name cause they sink so often) was about two-thirds of one which Jacob and I had once ridden on down to his family's place. They had not been happy to see either of us; but his family's fate was in his hands now, so they was polite.

I remembered the trip; it was a torture, and I was never so happy to be home as when we were back at the house. I swore I would never set foot on another; yet here I was.

"So, Pixie, you about settled in?" I heard Emma ask in the next room as I watched Kate unpack in ours.

It still felt very strange, but it made sense. Pixie had queried my plan, saying it made little sense. I'd bridled a bit - prissy lil' Miss she could be. But on reflection, she had a point. The ages and characters didn't work if Emma was my wife - besides, how'd she be free to meet a man who'd give her a kiddo if she were mine?

So we had decided on the train down to the City of Kansas to change our arrangements. Kate was to pose as my second wife, with Pixie being our adopted daughter, an orphan from England who was looking for any surviving family. Emma was my only child from a mama who had passed in her birthing. As the patriarch of the family, I would be able to go places no woman would be able to, namely saloons, and given how much men gossip, we should be able to learn more by buyin' drinks than by asking questions. People who ask questions tend to attract the wrong kind of answers.

"Why don't you go stretch your legs and say hello to our daughters,"

Kate could plainly see how our sleeping arrangements made me uncomfortable. I did enjoy Kate's company, no doubt, but I still loved my Emma with all my heart, although I was startin' to steel myself for givin' her up someday. It was not an easy thing, not no how. But she had the right to birth a child, an' no way I could give her that. Kate was good in bed and lovin', so I'd take my pleasure there. As for Pixie, well she seemed to be in all our lives and yet not partnered. She was always like that. A flame to so many moths. A deep one. I'd see her sometime a thinkin'. Sure, she could chatter like a whole bunch of crickets, but lots of it was camouflage. Not sure any of us rightly knew what she was a thinkin'.

So, following Kate's suggestion, I got up and made my way to the door and cabin up the hall.

I knocked softly and spoke even and as low as I could.

"You girls decent?"

It had been hard to remember at first, to talk low like a man, well as low as a six-foot woman could talk.

While I stood there awaiting an answer, I thought back to the first time I tried and how I got to this door.

It was gettin' on the train a couple mornings before.

Isaac had been surprised when he saw us, even more, when Ben and Mary and the young' uns had asked for their money back for their tickets. At first, he was goin' 'ta give them some grief; but I wouldn't allow it.

I think my getup had thrown him. He had seen me enough times in working clothes, not too unlike these, after all, he had known Jacob, so seein' me in those hand-me-downs was not unlikely, after all it would have been a waste to throw 'um away. But now, dressed in decent men's clothing and being addressed as Pa by both Emma and little Pixie, had thrown him. Add to it that both with their hair down like unmarried women, with Emma looking as near a slut as she could work it (just to torture me, was it?), and little Pixie lookin' like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, but she'd like to give it a chance, I was more conflicted and divided than the State of Virginia had been.

He was about to object until I stopped him cold.

"Hey there, conductor, I believe your name is Isaac; young Charlie told me about you."

I reached out my hand, and he took it surprised, then felt the twenty-dollar gold coin I passed him. He took it and smiled brightly.

"Pleasure to see you again, Jacob! It has been a long time, and who is this?"

So asking, he turned to Kate, not assuming anything; he was no fool.

"Well, this here is my wife Kate, and this is my eldest daughter Emma, and that there is Cynthia, but we just call her Pixie causin' she so small."

Kate shook his hand, he politely kissed Emma's, and she blushed. Little Pixie curtsied so cutely I wanted to vomit. That girl, there was just somethin' about her! Young Charlie were a man's man, but even he gave her the eye. Mind, in that buckskin jacket and with those wide breeches pretendin' to be a skirt, happen he thought Pixie was a young fella of the sort he liked; she was flat enough to pass as a man - just sounded nuthin' like one!

Now that was done, I had some hard business to do.

"Now Isaac, there be some deliveries to Jacobson's dry goods in a few days in my name. I would much prefer you leave them here for my property man here to pick up. I am doin' some investing in the farm, and there don't seem no reason to have to go all the way to Marion to get what has to go right by my farm, now do you?"

I gave him a hard look, now to turn the knife.

"That Jacobson boy knows all about it, so he was perfectly fine with not havin' to backtrack all this way."

Isaac was a good man, but if he knew what was in those packages, he might not be willing to do what I asked, so I had to ensure Ben got what I ordered for him. He would have four rifles and four pistols, with enough cartridges to hold off the army for days.

"I'll see to it myself," Isaac said. I knew he would if I mentioned the Jacobson boy; besides, it meant getting troublesome cargo off his hands quicker. "Who be picking it up?"

"Ben probably, it is for the farm, and he bein' our caretaker, it be his job." I fixed Isaac with a stare, "That won't be a difficulty, will it?"

"No, no, that is fine. I know Ben by sight; it will be as easy as pie." Isaac was relieved in who was receiving the goods, which was a relief to me.

I had noticed the look that Isaac was givin' Ben; I thought it best to give him a warnin'. So I got close and whispered, "Isaac, I understand your interest there, but I suspect that Mary might have somethin' to say about it." We both glanced at Mary, "I suspect you will end up a might... short." He had swallowed hard then nodded.

And that was our farewell from my Eden with Jacob. But I was takin' him with me as we went out across the great mid-western plain,

The trip to the City of Kansas was uneventful, and we arrived earlier than we expected. Our rooms at the in Cotes House were the best rooms they had, all suites, big beds with spring mattresses!

"Ooh, may we bathe Papa?"

Pixie and Emma asked me together in a sickly-sweet way that made me know 'twas planned.

"I don't see why not," I said as we entered the lobby.

It was fancy, not as grand as Saint Louis, certainly not New York, but for a glorified cow town or a body fresh from the prairie, it must have seemed a palace. The rooms were fresh and clean, new wallpaper, and I thought it awful gaudy. The rooms was adjacent to each other; I tipped the desk for a tub for the girls and a lake of hot water.

Pretty soon, I could hear the sounds of bathing and laughin' from the other room. Kate excused herself to join them. It would look bad for me to wash with 'em, so I just used the washbasin to clean myself as best I could. The noises from the bathroom tortured me. It was like the downsides of bein' a man and none of the upsides.

Supper was pleasant enough when all of a sudden, a tall brunette I never seen before, came up and nearly lifted poor Kate from the table chair and all.

"Mary Catherine!" the Amazon screamed; I have felt a rather large woman before, but although I was a mite taller, this woman was broader in every way, from bust to bottom.

"Elizabeth!" Kate responded with equal vigor; it caught a great deal of the rest of the patrons.

"Old, friends, that's all, mind your own." I told 'em.

As I stood to greet the woman holding Kate clear of the floor, I held out my hand to shake hers and extract Kate from her grasp. Her reaction could best be called -- cold.

"Ma... Jacob Anderson, at your service," I caught myself, then thrust my hand out and waited to be answered.

I had no intentions of putting it down until the woman responded; it was then on her. The woman was not happy to see me, and her smile was painted on, that is until Kate whispered in her ear, then she brightened right-up.

"Well, I am certainly glad to meet any man who managed to land Kate, as my old friend Mary Catherine seems to want to be known here." Her hand came out honest this time, but gentile and all, but with a decent grip. The moment was a mite awkward. Especially with Emma sitin' right there.

"Well, thankya' I feel blessed." I shook and looked square at Kate. "You want time to get acquainted again?"

"Yes, that would be lovely; how about I treat you all to an evening at the opera? One of my troupes is performing tonight, and the other... well, the other is working on their routines." She added, and I noticed Kate was blushin', but she covered it up right quick.

"Oh, that would be lovely," responded Pixie before anyone could stop her, "it has been dreadfully boring...."

"Hush now, we don't want to be no bother..." Kate had frozen Pixie with a stare, which caused me to wonder if she was as friendly with this woman as I thought.

"No bother at all, we have a few extra seats, certainly enough," Elizabeth responded with a huge smile and without dropping a stitch, "I will have them at your tickets delivered to your room."

With a smile, she turned to Kate, Emma, and Pixie, "Would you ladies like to see the rehearsal? We have one in an hour, and I would love your opinion?"

And for a second time, "Yes, please miss." Pixie near shouted. That girl had no stops; I was sure now.

"It's settled then. Stop by the Cotes Opera house after supper, and we will give you a tour...." Elizabeth smiled sweetly at me, something akin to a cat and canary smile sorta way, then she was gone.

"What was that about?" I asked Kate; she would not meet my eye?

"I don't know... Jacob," she said, "she probably just being friendly." She smiled, but it was a strained smile.

I frowned. "Alright, but you keep an eye on them, I don't want to no trouble" suddenly, I had a strange feeling, "that woman smells like trouble."

Elizabeth was true to her word. When we got back to our lodgings we found a package with tickets an all that. Emma and Pixie were beside themselves as they rushed out to find something suitable, if possible, to at least make themselves presentable. What gave me a fright was Kate's smile as they went shopping and going to the tour; it looked forced.

"You keep yourself; we will go shoppin' and be back for the show." Kate kissed me on the cheek, and then I was gone, left to my lonesome.

I took a walk; it did not take me long to see the elephant; the town weren't that big. Then a nap, then just waited. I thought them back in a couple hours; then it was getting on to dinner time; finally, I walked over to the opera house in a huff. The place was locked; I banged on the door till some young thing came out, dressed in little to nothing, which caused me to look up and down the street to see that she wasn't seen, although she did not seem much concerned. I could see her body clearly through the whisp of fabric; it was a nice body.

"Can I help ya' mister?" She asked lookin' me up and down, hand on her hip and a smirk on her lips.

"I am looking for Kate and my girls; you seen 'um?" I asked.

I was put off my purpose by this slip of a girl, finding it hard to stay focused as her cover weren't covering, and her nips were making their presence known. "They were guests of Miss Elisbeth and have not come back...."

She smiled now, from ear to ear now.

"Oh, well honey, they are fine, they did some shopping, and now are having a tour and doing some fun things, why don't you run back to your rooms, and they will be along shortly."

Before I could raise a word, she closed the door, and I heard the lock. I was left to stand a fool, or I could get back to our rooms and wait. I went back to our rooms with my tail between my legs.

[Here Martha's journal has a gap - two pages are missing, looks like they were torn out, so I will fill the gap].

Kate had seemed a little phased by seeing Elizabeth. She explained to me that they had both worked at Mrs Flannery's Hotel for Ladies and feared that she might make a fuss, seeing her seemingly married to a man, but she'd been able to reassure her. I could sense the tension.

Kate and Emma were still playing their strange version of erotic musical chairs. Kate wanted me still and did not like the developing closeness between myself and Emma; but she did want Martha, and the cross-dressing seemed to have intensified her desire. It was not that Emma was jealous of Kate with Jacob, her tension derived from Kate wanting me for herself. And me? I was Pixie in the middle, wanting to please, as ever, but not knowing how to square the circle.

Dressing for the evening was, as it transpired, a help.

Kate and I loved clothes, and so, it turned out, did Emma. Elizabeth explained our roles in the evening's entertainment and suggested we found appropriate outfits. Tall and commanding, she radiated authority and Emma and I both agreed. Kate seemed amused.