Outback

Then I noticed all pictures. Opening the door, I walked in to see the pictures on each wall, the small pictures on the table, and then the one on the mantelpiece. Picking it up, it was him and a cute little blonde girl. I would have guessed she was five years old at the time and she was utterly adorable. His face was lit up with a grin. The life and joy in his eyes evident to see. The man in the photo was nothing like the man living with us now.

"What are you doing?" a voice boomed.

I whirled around to see Mark in the doorway. It was the first time I'd seen anything from him and he was... furious. My hand started to shake as I looked at the picture. "Is this your daughter, Mark?"

"What. Are. You. Doing?" he growled, "Why are you in my cabin? Why are you holding that picture?" He strode slowly towards me before he stopped barely a pace away. He towered over me. Broad shoulders. His biceps flexed in his tight shirt. He held out his hand. My hand shook as I placed the frame in his hand. When he looked at the picture, his face softened immediately. His eyes shimmered. He ran his fingers down the glass front. What I didn't expect were the tears that fell down his cheeks before he kissed the picture, clutching it to his chest as he turned away from me.

Without thinking, I rested a hand on his shoulder. "Mark..."

I was surprised he didn't shake me off. Instead, he just sagged. "Sorry for yelling at you," he whispered, "Please just go."

I ran past him and out the door, all the way back home. But I now understood everything. Bounding inside, Mum appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. "Cathy?" I stopped and burst into tears. I barely knew the man at all but... seeing that change when he held the picture. Mum embraced me, holding me tightly. "You went snooping, didn't you?"

"I... didn't mean to. I was going to ask him for a drink with Dad and I." I sniffed. "His door was unlocked, I thought he might have been taking a nap. That's when I saw all the..."

She shushed me. "I don't want to know. It must come from him."

"I ruined it, Mum."

Mum sighed. "So leave him alone," she said softly, "We can't force this. We're not psychiatrists, but he was making slow progress. We'll just have to wait a bit longer before that slight bit of trust is restored."

"I'm sorry."

"I think you need to apologise to him rather than me, Cathy. Go see him in the morning, invite him for breakfast."

*****

Mark

I woke up with a stonking hangover, clutching the photo frame, the empty bottle on the floor. I had vague memories of what happened the day before, but as I sat up, I had more important matters, like hailing the porcelain god. It was while doing that I remembered finding Cathy in my cabin. Wiping my mouth after washing it clean, I glanced into the mirror. "Shit," I muttered, "Shit, shit, fuck, shit."

I had two choices. I'd either just pack my shit and go or... I finally tell someone what happened. I liked Bill and Ely. And, at heart, I could understand Cathy's curiosity. And I hadn't been blind. She was a pretty young woman. Probably scared the shit out of her the previous afternoon. It was just the shock of finding her in my cabin, holding that picture, then figuring it out rather easily. I'm sure my cabin looked like a shrine to my daughter. In a way, it was. She'd never be dead to me, but... I might be dead to her in return.

There was a light knock at the door that broke my reverie, opening it to see Cathy standing there. Her eyes widened as I realised I stood in nothing but my underwear. "Um... er...." I almost smiled at the way her tongue was tied. I could only assume that she approved of what she saw as her cheeks turned a glorious red, though she didn't look away. Guess that made me feel better. "Mark, I'm sorry," she said, "And do you want to come for breakfast?"

"You're sorry?"

"For invading your personal space. And asking questions I don't need to know the answers to. I shouldn't have entered. I'm sorry."

I almost smiled at the how she seemed almost desperate to apologise. "Give me five minutes. Okay?"

I noticed the slight smile. "Okay."

Throwing on some clothes, I stood in the living room and looked at the photo frame. Cathy had figured it out. I hadn't confirmed it, but it was obvious the photo was of myself and my daughter. Sighing again, I grabbed the photo, keeping it hidden at my back as I joined Cathy outside. We walked back to the farm in silence before I stopped her a short distance away.

"You don't need to apologise," I said.

"I do. I shouldn't..."

I held up a hand. "I know your parents are curious. They've been patient with me. But I'm not sure how to tell everything." I met her eyes. "Cathy, they destroyed my life. All of them."

She took my hand, giving it a squeeze. "Will you feel better getting it all of your chest?"

"I don't know. I'm embarrassed. I'm angry. I'm in... agony. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I just..." I sighed. Admitting that I spent half of each day wanting to die probably wasn't a good idea. The fact the only thing that kept me going was somehow seeing my daughter again was keeping me alive.

She squeezed my hand again and led me to the farmstead. Ely was pleased to see me, giving me a hug. I'll admit, I'd grown to like receiving a hug from her. Couldn't remember the last time Cheryl, the woman who birthed me, had shown an ounce of affection to me. I could count on one hand how many times John had shown me anything. Shit, I think Kelly was the one who I was closest to, and she was the only thing I regretted from that day, if only slightly, was what I called her. She'd simply been in my firing line at the time.

We took a seat at the kitchen table, Ely serving up some bacon, sausages, eggs and hash browns. We ate in silence, washing it all down with coffee or tea, before I asked the three to meet me in the living room. As they disappeared, I took a few minutes to gather my thoughts before heading out to join them.

Sitting down in the spare chair, I took the photo frame from my back and looked at it. With a sigh, I turned it and offered it to Bill and Ely. She took it and, within seconds, I could see her tears. "You do smile," she whispered.

"Katherine 'Katie' Sally Samuels was born... five years, nine months and twenty-three days ago. She is my daughter. The last time I saw her was the Sunday night before I headed north from Sydney. I worked as a civil engineer, focusing primarily on building or fixing roads. When I returned home on the Friday night, I walked into an empty house with no fiancée, no daughter and a note from the fiancée stating she'd left with my daughter and that I'd never find her. She insinuated that she'd been having an affair.

Before I continue, I guess I'll have to explain my background. The people I once called my parents are well to do. In fact, they're obscenely rich. Arrogant, pompous arseholes. Pardon my French."

"Swear all you want, son," Bill said.

I managed a smirk. Probably the closest to a full blown grin in months. "So, anyway, arseholes. John, the man who was my father, made his money as the partner at a law firm. Made big bikkies doing whatever the hell he did. Never cared. Cheryl, the women who pushed me out of her... er... Anyway, she's a doctor. Successful practice. Makes tonnes of money herself. So myself and the two so-called siblings grew up in luxury in the eastern suburbs of Sydney, surrounded by the sort of wankers who believe their shit doesn't stink.

I'm sure John, if we lived in the UK, would no doubt hope for some sort of peerage, call himself Lord John Samuels. Arrogant wanker. Then there's my one-time brother, Brian. He's just a massive prick. Never liked him. That feeling was returned. The only person in that household growing up I could tolerate was my sister, Kelly. No, tolerate is wrong. I liked my sister. And despite everything, I think she liked me in return.

I grew up surrounded by pretentious tossers my entire life. School? God, it was awful. Hated every minute of it. They tried to force me into activities that 'rich people' do. Me? Rugby league, all the way. My father threw a shit fit when I told him I wanted to play that. 'No son of mine will play a working man's game'. As I said, absolute tosser. Never supported me, but a friend of mine did help me out, so I still played.

That was just the start. Expectations was to get great grades then head to university to become a lawyer, a doctor, someone in finance that makes millions. I don't know, it never interested me. I've always been good with my hands. I excelled at the technical subjects at school. Working with tools. Wood. Metal. Technical drawing. Nailed them the entire way through. Took up a college course or two in addition to that. I knew I wanted to get into engineering, and you don't always need a university degree. Or, at least, you can do it part-time while working.

Again, John and Cheryl didn't approve of that at all. If I didn't do what they approved, they'd basically cut me off. So I left home at the first opportunity. Graduated high school, with good grades, and got myself a job. Started out at the very bottom, worked my arse off, but slowly made my way up the chain while studying.

At the same time, I met Sally. We met at a pub one night. Hit it off immediately. By the time I was 20, I owned our little apartment and Sally had given birth to Katie. Everything seemed rosy. We were making our way in life but it was on our terms. Always believed we were a team.

John and Cheryl hated that. Slowly but surely, they wormed their way into our lives. I knew Sally was going to have her head turned but..." I sighed and shook my head. "Never to the extent of what happened."

I took a couple of minutes to get further thoughts in order. I glanced to see Ely clutching the photo to her chest. "She slowly started to change as I knew John and Cheryl were in her ear. Led to a few arguments, but in the end, I thought she loved me and that she could see we didn't need all the bling and bullshit. John and Cheryl? Hardly a happy marriage. Fairly sure Cheryl was and probably still is having an affair or affairs. Brian was already divorced. Kelly... who fucking knows, to be honest. New boyfriend every six months. It's why I called her what I did.

So, anyway, back to what I was saying. I get home to find an empty apartment, no daughter. After reading the letter, I didn't give a shit about Sally. I'd had an inkling she was doing me dirty, but I was working hard to support the family, so just put it down to a bit of unwarranted suspicion." I trailed off and shook my head. "What I learned in the next few hours though..."

Bill stood up and disappeared for a minute, returning with an open beer. I thanked him, sucking down at least half the bottle. Putting it down, I looked at my hands to see they were shaking. I curled them into fists and took a deep breath.

"I called some of my old friends. They were all told what she was doing. None of them had the guts to inform me what was going on. She didn't tell them I was abusive or threatening her. She was simply leaving with my daughter. I couldn't believe what I heard. Told them all to fuck off in the end. Some friends.

I then went to see the family. I honestly still can't believe what I was told. John and Cheryl had introduced her to who she fled with a year earlier. A fucking year! Said I was an unfit provider, that this new fellow could provide Sally and Katie with the life they deserved. I knew what they meant. He was some rich cocksucker they'd met, and I just knew they did all this as some sort of sick payback for not following their whims.

John never told me his name nor where they'd gone. By the time I was done with him, he was unconscious and I told the immediate family exactly what I thought of them. Haven't seen nor heard from them since. I did spend a night in the cells as the coppers were waiting for me at home. I was rather surprised that I wasn't charged. Would have happily spent some time in the slammer. I'd been waiting to clock that son of a bitch for years.

Anyway, after that, I had to get out of Sydney. I had no partner. No daughter. No family. No friends. So I sold my apartment, sold anything that I didn't need, quit my job then hit the road as soon as I was able to. And that's how I ended up here."

I finally looked up. Ely was in tears. Cathy was practically sobbing. Even Bill didn't have dry eyes. "I'm still looking for her. Police have been pretty much useless. Call them every week to be told no news. I'm left thinking they just don't care or that I'm responsible for what happened. I hired a PI to at least do some digging for me, but so far, not a peep. He's not hopeful. I'm not either. But I won't give up. My daughter is out there somewhere. She was five years old at the time. She's old enough to remember me when she grows up. But I have no doubt that bitch is in her ear. 'Daddy didn't love you'. All that sort of manipulation. I know my little girl, though. She knew daddy loved her. Would always and will always love her. No matter the distance."

I sipped at the beer.

"I spend each day going between two major thoughts. The first is that I just want to die and end the pain. What's the point in going on? I've lost absolutely everything, though the only thing that actually mattered was my daughter. For my own flesh and blood to rip that from me... Evil doesn't even really begin to describe it. The second is that there is always hope, no matter what. It's only that hope which stops me from topping myself."

"If you die, you'll never see her again," Cathy whispered.

"I'm hopeful but a realist, Cathy. The world is a big place. Where could they have gone? Anywhere, to be honest. I think it's a reasonable assumption they'd likely go to an English speaking country, but that still leaves a lot of the world to go."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. "Your own parents," Bill finally muttered, shaking his head.

"Never fit their plans. Thing is, I was a good kid growing up. Mostly. Good grades. Rarely in trouble at school despite the fact I hated where they sent me. Showed my older brother who was boss a few times, but other than that, I did what I wanted and never expected much from them except the sort of parental support and guidance one would expect when pursuing their own dreams. But because I refused to go along with their plan." I chuckled bitterly. "I know for a fact they never actually approved of Sally. So getting her out of my life is almost like a two for one deal. I won't say they doted on Katie but... It makes sense to me but it doesn't. I'm not really sure. Whatever the case, John and Cheryl mean nothing to me now. I consider myself a twenty-five-year-old orphan." I stood up and sighed. "I need some air."

I stood alone on the veranda and took in the view. Sun was already over the horizon. It was going to be another stinking hot day. Not a cloud in the sky. The insects were already chirping, but apart from that, there was near silence. I'd grown to enjoy it. Far different to the city where there was always something going on.

Feeling a presence next to me, I glanced to see Cathy. She glanced at me in return and turned me to face her before she hugged me, resting her head against my chest. Guess she was five-five at best. And, as I already knew, rather cute. No, I can be honest, she was gorgeous. Figured she was twenty or twenty-one at most. I hugged her tightly in return, closing my eyes and just enjoying the feeling of being held again.

"Want to cry?" she asked softly.

"I'm all cried out, Cathy. Now I'm just... empty. Can't even make myself angry. Sorry I yelled at you yesterday. It was just... I didn't feel ready to share..."

"But this morning?"

"You figured it out. I don't take you for a gossip, but I knew it would probably slip out. So I had to just bite the bullet."

"How do you feel?"

"Like complete and utter shit. But... It's better than feeling nothing." I leaned back. "So... what do you think?"

"I know you have endless love for your daughter, and that's the only thing that matters. All those other people? Not worth your time." She took my hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. "You now have us, Mark, if you're willing to stay a while longer."

"Just shared all of that. I'm not going to do that to then just piss off somewhere else. As I said, your parents are good folk. Remind me of the parents of some friends I had. Sort of parents that actually love and care for their kids instead of using them as some sort of fuck trophies." She giggled at that term. "Actually, I should say thank you."

"For what?"

"Wasn't the right way to do it, but it was the kick up the arse I needed. I've been wallowing in self-pity for months."

"Understandable considering the circumstances."

"I want nothing more than to see my daughter again. But... while I'll live in hope, and hope something does come up, there's that part of my brain that says not to forget her, but just somehow get on with life. So I'll live, I won't forget, but... I need to somehow pick up the pieces and just carry on."

Ely and Bill appeared. Ely also gave me a long hug. "You're a good man, and I know you would have been a wonderful father," she whispered.

That got to me, and I released a few more tears. "You've hugged me more since I arrived than a lifetime from..." She shushed me and hugged me tighter. "Thanks," I finally said.

I'd carried that around for months. Finally getting it off my chest was liberating in one way. Bill, Ely and Cathy had only heard my side, but I like to think they believed me. Considering I'd been nothing more than a zombie since I arrived, it was obvious the kicking I'd taken. But I felt better. At least a little better, about life after that.

The next couple of weeks, I noticed a few differences in myself but also the others. While I wouldn't say I smiled, I felt lighter. Still couldn't bring myself to laugh. I couldn't remember the last time that sound escaped me. What I did notice was Cathy coming to collect me for breakfast every morning. I was looking at her in a new light. She seemed to give a shit about me for some reason. After everything I'd been through, I was finding it difficult to take her at face value. Ely greeted me every morning with a hug. The time I hugged her back and gently squeezed, she started to cry. When I asked why, she told me not to worry.

Bill and I sweltered in the summer heat. I'd missed shearing season, Bill explaining it only happened once a year, in the spring, but if I was up to it, I could give it a go the next season. So it was moving the cattle and sheep around from paddock to paddock and general maintenance. I'd find myself away from the farm from time to time, quite happy to camp away. Cathy had given me a few horseback lessons, and to be honest, I felt like a real cowboy as I headed a few kilometres away to assess the fences and general conditions.

"Mark, in all the time you've been here, have you gone out into town? Apart from shopping, that is?" Cathy asked one Friday night over dinner. I shook my head. "Would you like to join some friends and I at the RSL on Saturday?"

I met her eyes and the hopeful look in hers surprised me. "I guess I've barely left the farm at all, to be honest. Sure, I'd love to."

"Good! It's a date!" Ely burst into laughter as Cathy started to blush, looking away. I chuckled, which caught everyone by surprise. Cathy stared at me before I looked at her and smiled. Hurt my cheeks. Couldn't remember the last time I smiled.

I was quickly hugged by mother and daughter. "He smiles," Ely whispered.

"And laughs," Cathy added softly.

I'll admit, I was feeling a little nervous the next afternoon. Missed plenty of nails hammering away, enough that Bill took the hammer from me and told me to bugger off back to my cabin, otherwise I'd end up hurting myself, him or both of us. "Get ready for your date!" he called out as I walked to my ute, before hearing him laugh away to himself.