Painting in Color

Then Cat woke up real early one morning and surprised me. Fortunately it was only the painting of Dani that she seen.

We'd talked about it when we started designing the house. So spring of Dani's sophomore year we put in the swimming pool. Our neighborhood was pretty spread out and with some expensive homes in it. It wasn't a combination that lent itself to many kids. But Dani found a few, and a couple of them turned into very special friends.

Dani stayed with Julie at different times, just to give Cat and I some special us time. Cat and I kept a standing date night going all throughout Dani's high school years. Dani and I had lunch maybe once a week, during her school lunch period. Cat and I even had two separate vacations in those three years. So hopefully I didn't short either of my girls quality time.

After the pool went in, the backyard turned into quite a mecca for young teenage girls. Of course that always attracts young teenage boys. So Dani's social aspect was on the rise. Again it was expressed of just how special Dani really was. In her selection of friends and all their time at our house. We never had any trouble. I really had little problem approving of any of them. But if I even 'looked' like I did, they weren't asked over again. Then they just seemed to disappear from the picture of Dani's life.

The mecca of the pool led to one of my better acclaimed painting. I never understood that, it was a quick total break from my usual style. Mostly my paintings depended on my technique in drawing and painting of an almost photo realism. This painting was quick bold brush strokes, bright vivid colors. You could recognized only a few of the kids in the painting. Most were just shape and form, color. Dani said it was special because you could feel the sun and the heat, the care free summer day. The motion and frenzy of the party and the pool, and their youth. Must be true, that's what other people have said about it too.

In late July before her junior year, we got her that first car. It wasn't much, just a used Honda. A point A to point B type of car, just like hundreds of others that drive down the road every day in Any town America.

Both of us and Dani got a rude case of culture shock. To Dani, a car...a car that was Dani's...just. Did. Not. Compute. The light years between those two thoughts made it impossible to fathom. Cars were other people's, not Dani's.

She wasn't Denise anymore. But Dani still had that hidden inner core of the girl and her paper sack of clothes in her. Her own car... just was not in her universe. It was so far out, that she thought we were making fun of her. She actually got mad at us. I mean, stomp her foot, run off toward her room crying, mad at us. But she didn't make it there to her room.

She turned, headed back toward us, tears and joy on her face. Only to stop, her face fall to a stunned blank. Turn and head for her room again. Walking not running, only to turn again. Stand, staring at us, with a kaleidoscope of emotions flickering across her face.

I think that in that afternoon, in that small slice of time. Denise died and Dani became complete, and she never looked back again.

Her grades in school took off. She never got valedictorian or anything like that. Her early year made that impossible. But her junior and senior years were high honor roll at 4.0 GPA. Her sophomore year came close at 3.68.

The crown of her high school years was the way that everyone got behind her. When we started deciding and choosing her career and college choices. Again it was shown just how very special Dani was.

Her high school guidance counselor, art teacher, math teacher all wrote special letters of recommendation for her, even the principal. The lawyer Colleen that had stayed and become friends with us and Dani. Plus the judge that she'd introduced us too, wrote letters. Amanda the child care social worker, that still wanted to come live with us, wrote a letter, Julie did too.

We didn't ask them to, they approached us. All wanting to add to her college application files. Her art teacher and I are the ones who first came up with the career path for her, Architecture. Her math teacher and guidance counselor both highly agreed with that choice. Dani did too.

Her guidance counselor came up with her first choice in universities. Cornell University in Ithaca, New York. It was ranked one of the best in the nation in architecture, art, and planning. We applied for several colleges, of course, but this was her first choice. She got it too, and with a full ride scholarship.

Again Dani proved just how very special she is. She's learned from those examples of women that I wanted her too. A lot from Julie, she can be so very much like Julie at times. Tall, proud, dynamic, but in more than just appearance. Also organized, intelligent, a salesman, and a people person. She can become someone's confidant in a matter of minutes.

She proved that in our first visit to Cornell University. I don't know what they call it, a student interview or university's presentation, or both. But in our talks with the scholarship representative. Dani somehow found out that she'd just beaten out a young man for her full ride scholarship, by a very small margin. He only got a partial and might not be able to attend Cornell, he's listed as a hardship case.

It only took a silence glance between Dani and I, and she knew that she had my approval. She talk, wheedled, and convinced that scholarship representative to reverse their standings. He got the full ride and she the partial. She knew that with the money that I'd put away she didn't need the full ride to get into college. That he did, and she remembered enough of Denise to know just where he was at. She is just that special.

Dani.

It was in the early summer just after I graduated high school. I could hear Cat banging around in the kitchen. I had a cup of coffee in my hands and I was watching Jake in his studio. Just leaning against the door frame, I was behind Jake and I knew that he didn't know that I was there. So I did one of my favorite things, just watch him.

He didn't need me like he did in that old apartment. Changing his canvas' in and out of his easel. So he could reach the top or the bottom. He'd put in a platform lift on the floor that he could raise and lower. That he could roll his chair up on and lock it down. With a electric winch and side shift, on the easel, and the floor lift he could reach anywhere on any size canvas he wanted to, just by moving levers.

He didn't need me, and that was good. Because I'd be leaving for college in the fall, and that was good too. So I watch him, sad and pensive. Knowing that I'll soon be leaving the most beautiful part of my life behind. Knowing too, that I had to leave, I just had too.

He's painting on a commissioned portrait right now. Moving into a new direction for his art. He's becoming well known in the art world, at least starting too. He also is becoming known as a prolific artist. In the last three plus years, he's done over two hundred major paintings. Countless drawings, studies, pre-work ups and all the necessary leading work. Some of the major works are getting international recognition. Plus he's still doing all his engineering work.

One art critic called him the soul painter. The critic wrote of the Amazon Indians who wouldn't let the white men take their picture with a camera. Because they thought it captured part of their soul. He said that's what Jake did in his painting, captured part of the subjects soul, and it looked out through the eyes of Jake's paintings. He was right, it started with Dennis, and just got better as he went along.

How could it not get better, it's Jake. He's just this amazing man, nobody's like Jake. He never got soft and pudgy like most do in a wheel chair. He looks like he could just stand up and power through anything. Except for his legs. He's got this whole raft of exercises he does every day. He looks like he should be on a weight bench power lifting.

Strong back, powerful shoulders, arms made of steel cables with a six pack too. Dark hair almost black with a soft wave to it. I love the way it lays on his neck, and little bits that flow over his ears, small locks that fall on his strong forehead. It's getting a few silver hairs at the temples, and that just adds to its beauty.

He's seen me, just turned and smiled at me. With those flashing sky blue eyes. Then went back to painting.

That's part of what I love the best about him. Those sky blue eyes that can look right into your soul, and show his soul staring right back at yours. That's why I have to be careful, why I've had to learn to wear a mask in my eyes. That's why I have to leave, I have too.

Because I love him. How can I not?

Jake is my everything. Jake is my friend. Jake is my protector. Jake is my provider. Jake is my savior. Jake is my safe haven. Jake is my teacher, my guide, and my conscience. Jake is my...friend.

Jake is...not my lover.

And he can never be...

Because even as he is my everything. I love her too. Cat...I would never hurt her. She has been my mother, my sister, and my friend. She has been the star that I want to follow. She's slept in my bed when I've hurt in my soul. Held me when I've cried, hugged me when I'm sad. Laughed at my joys, cried when I did at my sorrows, and then she let me into her life. All of it...into every part of it, and because she is...

My sister in love.

She loves him too. She is his wife. She was his wife before he got cancer, was his wife during, his wife after. She was his wife when he divorced her. She was his wife after he did too. She was his wife enough to let him go when he needed to. She was his wife while he was gone from her. She was his wife while she build the house that he wanted, just the way he designed it, because it was his.

She was his wife while she waited for him, when she cried at night for him to come back to her. She was his wife while she waited...for him. Because he is the breath in her lungs and the blood in her veins.

For all those reasons I would never hurt either of them. So I have to leave.

I have too, because it's tearing me apart! Loving someone I can never have. Loving someone in a way that I shouldn't. Living with that mask in my eyes, hiding how I feel. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred sixty five days a year and never being able to let go!

Because my worst nightmare is the knife in her heart if she ever found out how I feel. Then the loss of the two people that I love most in this world, when she throws me out of their lives. So I watch him at times when no one can see my eyes...

"He's quite a man isn't he?"

Cat's voice slides into my consciousness. My heart hammers into my chest, I didn't hear her coming up to me! I've spun to look at her, into her eyes. I realize that I don't have the mask in mine!

Her head tilts to look at me, puzzled. As I try to hurriedly school my face and mask my eyes. Hoping that my nightmare won't come true. That she can't read from my face what I've been thinking, feeling. In vain...

"Oh...god, you're in love with him...aren't you?"

As the panic slams into me, I'm terrified. It's coming true, she going to kick me out!!

Instead she wraps me into a tight hug.

"Oh sweetie, how can you not be. I'm not mad that you. You're a young girl and Jake is your whole world. It's almost a fact of nature that you'd have to be in love with him. Besides he's Jake isn't he, beautiful loving Jake. The best of all possible men is our Jake, isn't he. How can we not help but be in love with him. Come, let's go into the front room and I'll tell you about Robert Shelton."

??? Robert Shelton whose that?

She grabs my hand and starts physically pulling me toward the front room. Part way there she changes her mind.

"No, let's go visit your wise Aunt Julie instead."

"Bye Jake, we'll be back. We're off to lunch with Julie."

We make a bend in our path toward the front room. Still pulling me like a puppy on a leash, and with another heading change toward the front door. A quick grab for her keys and cell phone, into the car and off we go.

First she calls Julie and arranges to meet her at Jeremy's on the Mall. It's a deli right close to Julie's store. She convinces Julie that it's so very important and she just 'had' to meet us there, right now.

Then she starts chatting with me. Chatting about when she first met Jake, how she first knew that she loved him. She's happy, so happy to be sharing these memories with me. I'm so confused and off balance, it's like she's happy that I'm in love with her husband!

Julie looks puzzled, already waiting for us at a table.

"Julie, remember me telling you about Robert Shelton?"

Julie throws her head back in a quick sharp laugh. Then in a knowing smile, she's nodding her head. Cat laughs too, then looks back at me.

"Dani your going to have to be very patient and understanding with us and what we're going to talk about with you. Also you have to promise to listen to us and to realize that we're NOT making fun or devaluing you feelings. When a woman feels she's 'in love with a man', she is, and it's real. Until SHE decides it's not or comes to understand that it's something different."

Now the puzzlement on Julie's face is even more pronounced. Almost as extreme as the tilt of her head. As Cat continues...

"But only you can know that, okay. Understand too that I'm NOT mad at you. Actually I been kind of expecting it for a while now. But you fooled me, and I didn't see it coming. You must have been covering up, and hiding your feelings so very well. Remember Dani we love you."

A light starts dawning in Julie's eyes. But when Cat leans over and whispers in her ear, nodding the smile really blossoms on Julie's face.

"Dani, when I was almost the exact age that you are. I was 'in love' with an older man, a neighbor of my folks. He was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. His name was Robert Shelton. But he was married, with two children. She never loved him, and neither did his children. They disrespected him, and she nagged him continually."

"They made his life miserable, and I cried at night for him. My dreams were all of confessing to him of my undying love, swooning into his arms. Him kissing my face and carrying me off to... I don't know where, my dreams never went that far. After his many kisses on my face...my dreams never went any farther in that direction either. But I dreamed, oh how I dreamed."

"But I never said anything to him, he was married and you don't do things like that. Then in the fall I went to college, and I cried because I missed him and knew that I would never see him again. After a while I didn't cry so much, but I still hurt. I didn't see him when I came back for Christmas. When I went back to school I didn't cry any more, and hurt a little less. I saw him when I came back for spring break."

"He had a bald spot on the back of his head, and his hair was thinning. He wasn't as tall as I remembered, his shoulders weren't as broad. He had a pudgy muffin top over his belt that I'd never seen before. His wife adored him and his children ran to meet him when he came home from work."

"I realized that I had never been 'in love' with Robert Shelton. I'd been 'in love' with being 'in love' and my 'in love' had somehow fastened onto Robert Shelton and made of that the dream that I wanted it to be."

"But when I'd left that first fall, my heart hurt just as much as it would have as if he'd been my everlasting love. Because I'd been 'in love' that fall and it was just as real as it could be. That fall it WAS as real as it could be."

"So that's my 'in love' story. So I'm going to go to the little girls room and then disappear for a little while, and let your wise Aunt Julie tell you hers. Because every woman has one, just in her secret heart."

Cat got up and left. Julie leaned across the table, reached out and held both of my hands in hers. Then said something that shocked me to my core.

"Welcome to the I'm in love with Jake club." Then smiled at me.

"Yeah honey, there's even a club for all the many hundreds or so members of us."

Then she's laughing.

"Oh, you should see your face right now sweetie. No, there's no I'm in love with Jake club. At least not a formal one, but there is a bunch of members. Of which I'm one."

"No Dani, no one's going to come sneaking around to steal Jake away from Cat. For two very good reasons. One is we don't quite love him in that way. Two, we never could steal him away from Cat, no one could. I'm going to be a little crude here to get my point across."

"Dani, I could strip off naked, sneak up to Jake and knock him down. Spin around and land on my back so he fell on top of my naked body... What do you think Jake would do? He'd get up, give me a hand up. Dust off my naked flesh, apologize for falling on me, and ask if I'm hurt."

"He wouldn't think of doing anything else, because I'm not Cat. I know of this five foot tall, fire redhead, with hair down to her ass. Who could do the same thing and get the same result, because she's not Cat either. She looks a lot like Cat, but she's not Cat."

"Yet we've both seen that kind of half smile she can give him. With just a little sparkle in her eyes and he's ready to go, because she's Cat. It only works for her. For that reason no one could steal Jake from Cat. Because she has his heart, and with Jake his heart is his word, his deed, and his bond, forever."

"Dani, you lived next door to him for four years, while he was suppose to be single. Did you ever see a woman around there? I know that you didn't. I've been around him for a lot longer than you have and I've never seen Jake look at another woman. In. That. Way."

"Sure he's a man he'll look at tits and ass, he'll admire a beautiful woman. But only for her beauty. Do you know just how very attractive that is to most women? To have a really hot man be so in love with her that he doesn't see other women as potential fuck buddies, just her?"

"That's one of the reasons that I said that there's an 'in love with Jake club'."

"There's a old Greek myth of an ancient cynic philosopher, Diogenes of Sinope. Who in around 375 b.c.e. wandered the city of Athens with a lantern, 'looking for an honest man'. Well he would have found one in our Jake."

"Just look at yourself Dani. How long were you and Jake working on that painting of Dennis? Three months, maybe four, because that's when you first started becoming friends. Just that short period of time being friends. Yet when your world fell apart and you needed him."

"He was there, and he gave you what you needed. He gave to you just as if you were his first born daughter. Because Dani that's what you are to him, his first born daughter. I know that you don't really see that in your heart of hearts yet. But you will, and that's when you'll start to be really happy.

"These aren't the reasons that most women are in the 'in love with Jake club'."

"Here I'll be crude again to get my point understood. If I didn't know Cat, or had never met Jake before. If I just met him as a guy in a bar. He walked up to me and said, 'want to fuck?'. I'd say 'sure' and follow him anywhere, and I think that most women would too."

"See Dani, Jake has what I call a very high degree of sexual charisma. He's hot, but looking at him you can't see why. He's not like those men on the covers of romance novels. Broad hairless chest, heavily muscled body, sharply chiseled features, model beauty with a woman swooning in their arms."

"Jake was an almost perfect height, right at six foot. Just the right weight for that height. Just broad shouldered enough for his body type. In short nothing special, from a football field away. But up close...he's panty wetting hot, you just don't know why he is."