All Comments on 'Paradise: The Candidate Surrenders'

Loved it. I am hoping for a part two.

thank you for posting i really enjoyed it - more exploits in the initial paradise club please!

The story itself is good, but there is no description of the characters (blonde, brunette, skinny, voluptuous, etc.). This may be intentional and to be left to the readers' imagination, but for me, a little "filling out" of the characters would help

I have no interest in lesbians, but you write fairly well.

"I don't know what you are talking about. I've never heard of that place before," Alison replied indignantly. "I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that."

This makes no sense. If she never heard of it and doesn't know where it is or what kind of place it is, why would she instantly say she wouldn't be caught dead there? Just something to think about.

absolutely thirsty for the next story

Just like Kelly I can't wait till next time. Pappasleaze!

Could’ve been a first rate story if you’d slowed down the pace. The way things happened was unrealistic with its speed, nor was either character particularly likable. One came off as a predator, the other as worlds stupidest politician. I guess if that’s what you were after, well done, but what I read was a promising plot wasted. Sorry. Clearly others liked it. Just my opinion

Bravo! Excellent first story, and I'm very much looking forward to more. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Your writing style is really fresh and, as an unassuming reader, it was wonderful to see the relish with which you write!

As a bit of constructive, I'll mention just a couple of varied points.

There is potentially a bit of a pacing issue. You quickly introduce your characters and, after a short dialogue exchange, you have both characters outed and discussing a sex hideaway freely. When they arrive, the mental anticipation is drawn out over a couple of sentences, and sex begins from there.

Personal preference here: your story would be even more erotic if you teased the reader with suggestion. *Why* does your main character find the politician sexually arousing? What has she thought of doing? How does her anticipation translate into reality?

Give the reader time to be aroused by giving your characters time to be aroused. When you think you would like a reader to climax, make your characters climax.

There's been a couple of mentions about realism too. I'll just mention one example.

Not many people in the public eye would be so brash as to go to a sex club and allow themselves to be identifiable. Would the plot have benefited from having your politician try to disguise their sexual preferences? Could your main character have been incisive enough to figure this out through knowledge and perception? If your main character had intended to blackmail the politician with knowledge of the sex club, why did she even need to volunteer as part of the campaign?

Finally, the sex itself! Obviously, it's erotic, and it feels more natural when potentially your own preferences flow most freely. It was really heartwarming to read your passage about feet; that felt like a real bit of You and it was wonderful.

You do tend to 'tell' the reader that the characters are aroused. Show us. Why are their bodies beautiful? How wet is wet? Take your time to colour your descriptions with the senses so we can 'see' their bodies, 'feel' their reactions, 'taste' their sweetness, etc.

Keep writing! You have a wonderful mind and an engaging writing style. Give the reader more time to buy the story, learn about the characters, and feel the moment. Your writing definitely deserves it!

To the Anon who said: "I don't know what you're talking about...I wouldn't be seen dead in a place like that." made no sense. In fact, in context it made perfect sense and I'm sure that's what the author intended. It's the kind of slip people make when they let their guard down. Ali denied knowledge of The Paradise and then carelessly said something to show that she knew exactly what it was.

A good start to what may become a series, Rachel. You write very well and to encourage your efforts, it's five stars from me.

Lovely, straight forward tale. On to part 2