All Comments on 'Paramedic Pt. 02'

Story is developing well. Love the vibes!

You are doing a great job developing this story and characters, especially for a first writing attempt. My only suggestion would be to use a proofreader to correct some of the minor errors which occasionally make reading a bit difficult.

Keep up the great work!

Really good. I'm interested in where Jared's beliefs came from. Is he part American Indian? He seems to have similar beliefs to them about nature and such and yet he said the words from the sign of the cross after praying. I'd like for Liam to ask him about it. I wonder where this power he has comes from. It almost seems supernatural. I wonder what he thinks the dream meant. Are the bear and the eagle hiim and Liam? Liam seems really sweet. I thought the scene at the restaurant was very funny. I only would recommend putting the translation in parenthesis after the stuff written in another language. It makes it better for the reader to know what they are saying. Overall, good chapter.

Interesting choice. I like the supernatural theme. What is he? An angel? They both seem good for each other and good together. Though Liam doesn't seem phased by all that speech about life's chosen path stuff Jared made. I would think that's a bit spiritual or weird if someone randomly came out with all that to me

A little proofreading would also help it to flow better.

Hmm, as much as I feel like you've developed Jared, I don't get that same feeling of development in Liam. He seems worlds younger than Jared, and I don't get a feel for him. As a medic myself (I put myself through college that way) most of the guys I worked with either had hero complexes or were serious adrenaline junkies - those were the ones who couldn't wait for the next 4-alarm and who knew all the 10-codes backwards. Jared, with his powers, fits into the hero category. I don't get a feeling for where Liam fits, and since he has an attack of conscience in this chapter, I question if he'd remain a medic. I see him going to work in a nice nursing home where he could build relationships with all his patients. Am I wrong?

Regarding the overall story... I'm going to make a comment/suggestion that I rarely make, but it's about Point of View .You've written this in 3rd person, but it's very guarded. It's not an omniscient 3rd person that sees everything because we don't get the reactions to Jared's use of his gifts, we don't get scenes without Jared in them... what we really get is a 3rd person narrator that is kind of sitting back, detached, on Jared's shoulder. Even your attempts to leap off his shoulder don't go very far away. Like the ER nurse, who's pretty much only there to tell us Jared & Liam are two hot guys... which we already know. Consider.... Just *consider*... changing this story over to 1st person Point Of View. I know it would be a bit of work. A good editor could help you. But if the story were told as "I" with "I" being Jared, it would be much more intimate, and would draw your reader that much closer into what was going on. That ER nurse, for instance. She'd either get axed from the story all together, or Jared would end up commenting to *Liam* about her, "Yeah, that's (whatever her name is)... She hits on all the medics." Which would be a conversation starter.

BTW, I still found your dialogue stilted. I'd really recommend reading it out loud, or getting a program that will read it to you. I use Dragon and it's awesome. It'll even type for you if you're tired.

Ditto Cannd's comment on foreign language. If you're going to use it, put the translation in the piece somewhere for the reader. Personally? I thought the restaurant scene was contrived. These two guys are together all day. they literally live together for their shift - however long that is. My partner does twelve hours at a turn. That's not counting the time he's there showering if he's been puked, pissed, shat, bled, or spit on. The females of our household do not allow anonymous biohazard materials in the household washing machine. So if he has to dump laundry because he had no time to do it during his shift, that's even more time he's stuck at the station. My point is that if these two guys were going to have a heart-to-heart about their sexuality (because let's be honest, they didn't talk beans about Liam's emotionality in that restaurant) it would've happened while they were working and alone together.

Finally, Jared has (blue) balls of steel not to take advantage of his partner in his delicate condition. While the gooey romantic in me liked that, the lecherous slut didn't believe two hot dudes who've been prowling around each other mostly bare-assed would ever not fuck through their feelings and deal with the repercussions when morning rolled around. So that scene needs a little punching up, or down, or... whew. Balls of steel I tell you.

Good job, my friend. Keep at it. Writing is like meditating. You won't know you're doing it right until you look at the clock and realize you lost an hour and you feel fantastic. Be Well ~ Tux

WELL DONE VERY INTRESTING TALE OF LOVE . IT MAKES A REFRESHING CHANGE WELL DONE YOU . BIG J

Whilst i enjoy how you are developing your characters and the story, i would certainly recommend you check your different languages. I am a fluent french speaker but couldn't understand what the french sentences meant. I got the words but not the meaning.

You my friend are one of a kind! I have never read any story containing the level of spiritual involvement. I am really enjoying reading this so far and just wanted to tell you how happy I am to have found such a unique story :)