Passion of Erika Christensen Ch. 03

"I guess," Erika fumed. Shut up, she ordered her inner voice. This movie isn't about lesbians, never mind that kiss and all the other overtones. It's about the school shooting in which Busy's character and I were involved, the event that brought us together and its effects on us as well as the rest of our community. I'm supposed to be discussing those effects with her, trying to get information from her about the shooting so Detective van Zandt can know whether or not she was involved. I'm sure she wasn't, but the fact that she knew the perpetrator and walked away uninjured when so many others died...

She grimaced and continued the scene, keeping her own emotions at bay and throwing herself into her role as she always did. Even when Busy exploded with rage, calling her character a "fucking stupid drama queen," Erika reacted as she was supposed to, gesturing in apology and speaking her lines. The meaner her co-star got, the sunnier she tried to be. At the scene's climax, Busy stormed off and she fell to her knees, choking back a sob. "Cut!" Paul Ryan yelled. Erika waited for the camera to click off before looking up in expectation. The director of her latest movie stared back at her for a moment, deep in thought, then nodded. "Print. That was perfect."

Erika smiled. "Really?" She and Busy had been struggling with a lot of their scenes.

"Yes," Paul nodded. "Great reaction to the kiss, Erika. Shock, curiosity, revulsion but keeping the friendship. The audience will love that. And Busy, you're doing well too. If you're planning on putting half the effort into the delivery of your Dawson's Creek lines that you're doing here..." He grinned. "I think you'll give that show the ratings boost it needs."

"Thanks," Busy said, walking back towards Erika from offstage. "So we gonna shoot another scene now or..."

"You two deserve a break," Paul said. "Take an hour, then report to the hospital set. We'll get set up for the morgue scene. I hope you two are ready for that, it's very important. Again, good job on the kiss." He turned away to confer with some of the techs.

Busy sat down beside Erika but did not look at her. She was silent for a moment, then sighed. "Thank God we got that over with, huh?"

Erika blinked. "You mean the kiss?" She'd thought Busy had liked it as much as she had, but from the look on her co-star's face...

"Yeah. We didn't rehearse it. I was worried."

Erika nodded, recalling the conversation Ryan had had with them about the scene their first day of shooting. It was the first lesbian kiss in a movie for both actresses, and Ryan had been concerned they wouldn't want to do it. Busy had given him a long argument about how it seemed gratuitous and unnecessary to the plot. Ryan had countered that it showed how close their characters were getting while still showing the distance between them. It was a good buildup for the later scenes where Busy's character would talk Erika's out of suicide and then later cry at graduation with Deanna running to comfort her as the credits started to crawl. Erika had stayed silent during the discussion. She'd had her own angst about the kiss she didn't want to air.

I've thought about kissing girls for a long time, she mused. I read about it growing up and it intrigued me. As I went through my teenage years, I fantasized about it every now and then. I never could get up the courage to actually try it, though. No one ever asked me. Then, of course, it's supposed to be wrong. I've never thought it was wrong, but I was still scared. Would I like kissing a girl? Would I want to go further? Would she want to? I can do it with guys, that's easy, but with girls... That's why I agreed when Busy proposed we not rehearse the kiss, only our lines. We'd do it for the camera and hopefully get it right then, not worry about it any more than that. I thought this arrangement would preserve the feelings I was supposed to have about the kiss onscreen too. But now...

Erika smiled, looking at Busy. She's pretty, Erika thought, and she's been a good friend despite the differences between us. We have different backgrounds, different careers. She likes the WB's teenage soap operas, especially the really popular one she just got a recurring role in. I prefer the more intriguing down to earth supernatural dramas like Buffy and Felicity, the shows the station is starting to take off the air. Busy's also more uptight than I am, and a bit of a bitch. But I've still become as much friends with her as I have with any of my previous co-stars. So maybe...

"You did good," she told Busy. "I liked it."

Busy gaped. "You..." She shut her mouth, looking away. "That's very nice, Erika."

Erika reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. "Didn't you like it?"

Busy turned back to her and glared. Erika frowned, then dropped her eyes. Busy leaned in and adjusted the bandanna covering the supposed scar on her forehead, and she looked back up. The other girl wore a confused expression. "I have a boyfriend, okay?" she said. "We were acting, that's all it was. Don't think that..."

"I don't," Erika interrupted her with a sigh. "You're not into me, are you?"

"I'm into guys, Erika!" Busy insisted, laughing. She shook her head, looking Erika up and down. "You are pretty, and talented. You're a good friend. But I don't like girls, okay? Kissing you felt... weird."

Erika smiled. "I like weird."

Busy gaped at her, then rolled her eyes. "Well then, more power to you. I'm just glad we got it done."

This film is driving her nuts, Erika mused. Me too. 18-hour shooting days, tight budget, serious committment expected. But it's all worth it. This movie has so much meaning, so many great messages and themes. It's an independent film about a controversial subject, so it's not going to get much distribution, but it's still going to be very good. Too bad its release will probably be delayed thanks to what happened last week. Stupid terrorists. Stupider idiots who indulge in the sort of censorship the terrorists do their dirty deeds in part to promote. I really hope we get those bastards good and fast. The victims deserve nothing less. Then we'll be able to get back to our lives and put out all the good movies that are being pushed back thanks to the event. We need to do that, instead of spending a lot of time whining about the event and why it happened. It happened, nothing can change that. Let's go get the bastards and move on. She sighed, wondering if she was having such thoughts because of the ending of her current film.

"See you in a while," Busy said, standing up. "I gotta hit the restroom."

"See you," Erika said, looking away. I'm really going nuts right now, she thought. And all because of this film. I'm really putting myself into this role, giving it so much of my own pain, and I'm afraid it won't be liked or seen when it should be. Then of course there's all the flack people have been giving me about the character. You shouldn't do this role, they say. Deanna has mental problems, and talks to psychiatrists. What the heck is wrong with that? I'm showing people what real-life shooting victims go through by playing Deanna. Post-traumatic stress disorder is not a myth, it's very real and very serious. And psychiatrists can help people with it and similar problems- the victims I talked to about this movie showed me how. This role is an incredible challenge to me, and important too. I have to play it. I have to show the critics I can do more than just a wholesome schoolgirl or a drug addict, and show the fans that I'm not the sort of bland blonde It Girl some think I am. That, and of course by being in this film I can show people I'm not all about Scientology. So many people think I am, just because of my upbringing. They need to see that I support other values too, that I'm really more into acting, charity, and rebellion than any religious stuff. Yeah, I'm moral, don't get me wrong, but...

It's your swinging, Erika told herself with a sigh. You got into it to work out your personal problems with loneliness, but you haven't been able to do it in so long. You got afraid you were getting too much into it, decided to cut back. You also told your family a little about what you'd been doing, tried to alleviate any possible problems that might result if they discovered it. They cautioned you, made you feel guilty even though they didn't say to stop doing it. Then you got this role, and so many people started grumbling about it. On top of that, there's the film's schedule, and the delays, and... I just can't relax with all this. It needs to go well. It has to. If it doesn't...

Shut up, she told her inner voice. This movie is great! Once it comes out, the fans and critics will see it and like it. Even the people in Columbine to whom it's dedicated will like it, hopefully. You won't have to worry so much, you'll be proud of what you did. And who cares if your religion's more traditional followers are giving you flack about the person you are? They don't know what's true for you, they never really can no matter how much they say. You have to find and live your own destiny, you've always known that. You're doing what's meaningful to you, what's fun and right. You should stop worrying, like Isaac keeps telling you. Just live your life. Relax, grow, and be happy. Your life hasn't been that bad, you really should be able to. But I can't, she sighed, looking at the ground.

A voice caught her attention. "What's the matter?"

Erika looked up to see her other co-star in the film standing beside her. Victor Garber was frowning, though he was well-dressed and patrician as always. Victor's become a good friend to me, Erika recalled. Prior to this film we never saw each other in anything, but we bonded quickly once we started working together. We got close for our roles, as we had to be- he's Detective van Zandt. He's also been involved in acting for a long time, and given me a lot of advice on it. He's big on building relationships and working hard on characterization, like me. We both like to go for diversity and challenge. He's also been telling me about this spy show he has that's coming out this fall. It sounds great. JJ Abrams, one of my favorite WB writers, created it. Victor's going to star in it, and lots of other good actors too. I'm surprised they're not delaying its premiere because of what happened last week, but I'm glad. I can hardly wait to sit down and watch.

"It's nothing," she told Victor with a shrug. "Just thinking about my life."

Victor nodded in understanding. "There's a lot going on, isn't there? Listen, Erika, I heard you and Busy talking just now and I..." He paused. "I probably don't need to be saying this, but you have nothing to worry about. It's okay if you like kissing girls."

Erika grinned. He thinks I'm thinking about that, she chuckled to herself. Was I? No, I guess I was trying not to. I wonder why. I liked it so much, but... "I know it's okay," she said. "I don't have a problem with it. I've just never done it before, and it felt good, so..." She waved her hand. "Busy said it was just acting- she's right. I shouldn't get into it. This film will be over soon."

"Right, and if you get caught up in a moment, you'll get in trouble. The mission is what matters, Erika. You can't let anything distract you. Right now our mission is to finish this film."

"Yeah," she agreed. Then she sighed, emotion coming back into her mind. "Still, though..." Talk to him, Erika told herself. You and Victor have discussed Hollywood life a lot, and dating in particular. He's been active on the acting and dating scenes for years, never scored that big in either, but his experience has been beneficial to you. He's become as much a source of wisdom as your usual confessors who you're cut off from right now thanks to this film. You have to get your feelings out, and he's here. Talk to him. "Victor, can I tell you about something private?"

"Of course," he said, looking around and nodding when he saw no one was paying them much attention. "What is it?"

"Well, you know how I'm breaking out in the public eye right now, but my career's still pretty slow?" Victor nodded, and Erika continued. "It was causing me frustration, and, well, until this film, I was getting out that frustration by dating a lot of different guys. I got into some pretty serious relationships. I'm trying to keep it secret for obvious reasons."

Victor frowned. "I see." He sat down and looked at Erika, his expression distant but interested.

"I've stopped dating for a while because of this film," Erika went on. "And now, given what I just did... it's got me curious. I've never kissed a girl before. I've thought about it a lot, and read about it, and seen movies, but... no one's ever asked me, and I haven't been able to get up the nerve to try. I didn't know if I'd like it or not. Now I know I do, and... I'm just not sure what to do next."

Victor thought about her words for a second before replying. "My advice is to forget it. We have a film to finish."

"I know, but afterwards..." Erika sighed. "I have a few friends I could talk to about this, but I'm not sure any of them would understand. I grew up mostly alone, and I don't really have any regular girlfriends." I could talk to Isaac about this, she thought, or Dean, or one of the other people I usually chat with about sex, but would they really be able to get what I'm feeling? I don't know.

Victor nodded again. "I see. Well, what about someone in your family or..." He frowned, looking away. Then he turned back to Erika. "You'd want to talk to someone who felt like you do right now at an age close to what you are now, right? Someone who has experience with similar feelings and might be able to shed some insights?"

"Yeah." Erika frowned. "I don't really know any lesbians, though, or bisexuals." Except Kelly, she added to herself. But I'm not sure I want to go to her about this. We have too many issues between us right now with this film, and the fact that her career and John's are still in turmoil. John might be a problem too. They both would probably be willing to talk to me about this, but would I want to listen? No, I think not.

"Well, you know Geena Davis..."

Erika blinked, turning back to Victor. "Geena?" She had acted in a small recurring role on a TV show starring Geena Davis last spring. Geena had been a brief acting mentor to her. She has the sort of career I want, Erika remembered, not too big but popular and always memorable. Most of her projects bomb, but she never lets it bother her that much. She concentrates on enjoying what she gets and doing it well as long as she can. She was a real inspiration to me, still is. She also gave me a lot of good career advice, like Victor has. But I never thought she was...

"You didn't know, did you?" Victor asked, reading her face.

"No," Erika said. "I knew Geena was in a lot of sexy movies back in the '80s, but..."

"She grew up in Sweden. They're a lot more liberal over there." Victor frowned. "I'm sorry to be telling you this. It was a surprise to me too. I dated her briefly after she divorced Jeff Goldblum and she told me. I was shocked at first, but then... well, it's not a big deal."

Geena's been married three times, Erika thought, and has stayed good friends with her exes. She's long been active in acting and modeling, and her character on our TV drama was supposed to have been a swinging single once upon a time. Geena often flashes more skin on the red carpet and in media appearances than many women do in the privacy of their own homes. I should have read the signs. But I didn't think she was bisexual. I guess she was keeping it secret, hiding like all celebrity swingers have to. And of course we never really talked about sex or dating that much offscreen. I didn't know her well outside the job.

"If you talked to her about your feelings, she might be able to give you the advice you're looking for. I know you respect her. If you'd prefer someone closer to your age, I can introduce you to Merrin or Jennifer."

Erika blinked again. Is he saying the female leads on his show Alias are...? No, she shook her head. I don't know them. I don't want to discuss this with people I don't know. She grimaced and made a decision. "Victor, thanks, but..." Erika waved her hand. "It's like you said. I can't think about this right now. We have a film to finish. Priorities."

Victor nodded. "I was only trying to help. If you ever want to talk more, I'm here."

I know you are, Erika thought. And I know you'll keep this conversation secret, as will I. You're a good nonsexual friend to me, Victor, like Isaac. If either of you were twenty years younger... She smiled. "Thank you. Let's get back to our film, Detective." With that, Erika stood up and started walking towards the hospital set.

***

October 2003. London, England.

Alicia shook her head. "You're setting the mood again, right? Telling me all that instead of just..."

Erika rolled her eyes. "It's not all about the sex, Alicia. If you don't get the emotions right first, and pay attention to the small details..."

"I know!" the redhead interrupted. "Cut to the important part, okay? What happened next?"

Erika grinned, guessing the problem. She began to rub Alicia's body as she spoke, alternating caresses across her thighs and stomach with tweaks of her hard nipples. "I finished filming Homeroom. Busy and I stayed friends, but we never talked about the kiss again. Victor and I discussed my feelings about it more, but no progress was made. I kept things inside, until the movie was done. I did still think about other girls, though. Then, after the filming was over, I talked to Isaac about what to do next, and Dean, and they both gave me the same advice as always. 'Do what seems right to you, believe in yourself, blah blah blah.' They offered to introduce me to women they knew who were into the same things I thought I was, but..." Alicia gasped as Erika pressed a spot just above her clit, and Erika laughed. "Same problem as before. I didn't know the women in question, and wasn't sure I wanted to talk to them about something like this."

Alicia nodded, brushing Erika's hands away with a smile. "So..."

Erika kissed the other girl, then resumed her story. "I decided to try Victor's suggestion out."

***

October 2001. Los Angeles, CA.

Geena Davis blinked, staring at Erika. "Victor told you that I'm..." The tall brunette frowned. She picked up her wine glass and took a sip.

Sitting across from her mentor in the restaurant, her blonde curls still styled short from the end of Homeroom, Erika grimaced in reply. I should have expected her to be this shocked, she thought. The lifestyle is never an easy subject, even in a place this empty on an evening this quiet. That, and Geena recently married an Iranian. I didn't even know she was dating one until she told me just now. Did she give up the lifestyle because of him? Maybe. I better try to calm her down.

"Relax," Erika said. "He just thought I needed someone to talk to about my feelings, and that you'd be good."

Geena took another drink, then put down her glass. "I'm old enough to be your mother, Erika."

"But you're not my mother. I can't talk to my mother about this." Erika gasped, realizing what Geena thought she had in mind. "Geena, whoa. I'm not expecting you to do it with me or anything like that. I'm not even sure if I'm really into sex with other women. I just want advice from someone I trust. Someone who understands, who isn't a man, who's gone through it. I understand if you're no longer in the lifestyle because of your new husband. I just..."

Geena interrupted her with a wave. "The lifestyle is how Reza and I met," she said, choking off a laugh. "Of course I'm still into it."

"Oh." Erika blushed.

Geena blushed back, pausing and then speaking again. "Erika, you'll have to forgive me. You caught me by surprise. I didn't know you were in the lifestyle. I also haven't been with anyone your age since I was your age and... I guess I forgot how it felt, first starting out. I'm not sure what to say to you."